Son changing with Mum at gym swimming

[tailspin21]

Firstly, I know IABU posting in this section when it's not technically but I could really use impartial opinions and I know this is one place I can get them!
So, the conundrum. DS is 8, coming up 9 years old. We go for a swimming lesson twice a week, the pool is attached to a local gym. The men's changing room is one side of the pool and the women's is the other, so they're not side by side. Hubby can't (or won't - different thread!) come with. I am very conscious that women are changing in there - there are cubicles and DS always gets changed in a cubicle, but not every woman does not should they have to. My question is how much longer before he really needs to be going into the men's? I'm becoming increasingly aware but what is the magical cut off?! On the one hand I don't want him making other women uncomfortable. On the other, as an 8 year old alone in the men's changing room he's vulnerable himself. Am I overthinking? When should he be making that move? He's not always the most sensible but is generally not completely daft!

There's a big difference between a just-8 year old boy who still needs help washing and dressing, and a 10 year old sitting there sniggering. A grey area.

I was a very self conscious child and have always opted to use a cubicle to change even into adulthood. I also remember a child with celebal palsy with his mum in the ladies changing at the swimming pool and he would have been about nine. I never felt scared or uncomfortable I understood he needed support. I also remember feeling sad when he went to a special secondary school and not the same one as all of his friends.
I think boys with a parent are not really comparable to groups of unaccompanied boys.

17% of primary school teachers have witnessed sexual harassment in their school
ukfeminista.org.uk/resources/whats-the-problem/

Includes primary schools
www.everyonesinvited.uk/everyones-invited-challenge

22% of young girls aged 7–12 have experienced jokes of a sexual nature from boys.
publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm201617/cmselect/cmwomeq/91/9105.htm

And disabled children deserve dignity as well. The swimming pool has to legally provide changing facilities. I have taken 15 and 16-year-old boys swimming who can't be left by themselves. They deserved the dignity of not being expected to go in female changing rooms. I asked and got somewhere to change them. This idea that if you are disabled you should forego dignity is an awful concept.

@MovingForwardish

Sorry to butt in, but I need a bit of advice regarding changing rooms too...

DS (just 8) goes to lessons after school at a pool attached to a school, so just children swimming, never adults swimming or changing.

The last couple of years he's gone into the boys, but I've gone in with him - mainly because he'd just faff and take forever and for safety reasons.
Should I not be going in with him to a boys changing room?
To add to the confusion, there's a dad there every week that takes his daughter into the boys and helps her change! I feel so awful for her and always make sure DS is looking in opposite direction to her and hold up a towel to cover him etc.

I think you’re fine to go in the boys, and he’s fine to take his dd in too. You are doing the right thing IMO

@elliejjtiny
if you need the disabled cubicle ask on reception. its no-one elses business but yours.

Some posters are so tied up in fighting the patriarchy that they forget this is a primary aged child they're talking about. A little boy, not some hormone charged teen. This little boy isn't the patriarchy, he's just a little boy who's mum doesn't feel comfortable allowing into a men's changing room alone. How about a bit of perspective eh.

Well said!

@CatJumperTwat

What is going to happen is I'll continue to do what works for ALL my children, and the likes of you can fuck off.

And so can the little girls who will no longer want to go swimming. You're a peach.

Oh stop being so dramatic.

@julieca disabled facilities are quite limited and not always fit for purpose.
Often one cubicle per centre.
If you have another child too it’s not always ok to leave any unaccompanied.
Individual circumstances… I guess that’s why a lot of places just used discretion.

Can’t he go to the men’s and you stand outside the door? Then he waits for you outside the ladies? Yeah it takes longer because you’re not all changing at once but it worked well for us.

@TeaAndToastNameChange

Sirzy, I'm guessing you don't have a boy yourself?

I have a disabled boy. I appreciate that it’s not fair on anyone, including him, to take him into the ladies

Oh stop being so dramatic.

Stop being so ignorant.

This will be my last post. Instagram you are PURPOSELY not reading what I'm writing.

once more, just for you

I think the occasional child with additional needs with his mum is hardly a major threat to a young girl.

I HAVE NEVER SAID AN 8 YEAR OLD BOY IS DANGEROUS FOR YOUNG GIRLS - BUT THEY FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND BOYS.

I’m surprised by the replies. He’s 8, a little boy.
Would you all seriously be happy with your 8 year old changing in the men’s area by himself?

No chance. Mine was asking to do so by himself around 10.

Posted too soon: even then, we always invited a friend so they were together.

How many would let there nearly 9 year old daughters change with their dad's in the Male changing rooms, so they don't have to change alone in the ladies? (women are not immune from being paedophiles or whatever reason a boy of nearly 9 can't change in a men's changing room).

Maybe men don't want to be stared at by fascinated girls or the boys from their class may not feel comfortable.

Most primary schools have stopped joint changing for pe from year 3 onwards.

@arethereanyleftatall

There are a few posters on here saying they have to take their ten year old boys in because of additional needs. Should they not be using the disabled changing rooms rather than the girls space?

Leisure centres should all have disabled changing rooms, but some pools in gyms won’t. Disabled people use the general changing rooms with everyone else (or just don’t go - not many adults with severe disabilities join a gym as there isn’t much that’s accessible for them).

No way in hell would my DS be going into the mens alone and that goes for public loos as well. I will review it at 10 but he has ADD and potentially Dyspraxic so wouldnt even manage it anyway. Family cubicle for me and I think if women need privacy they generally find it. Pre kids I never minded at all if kids were with their mums in the changing rooms.

[quote Instagram]@julieca disabled facilities are quite limited and not always fit for purpose.
Often one cubicle per centre.
If you have another child too it’s not always ok to leave any unaccompanied.
Individual circumstances… I guess that’s why a lot of places just used discretion.[/quote]
I have been to places where there are no advertised disabled changing. I ask and they have always found somewhere. I have changed them in staff changing rooms. But they clearly needed help. It would be different I suspect if it was kids with a mum who was worried about them drying themselves properly.

@Capricornandproud he cant dress and undress himself? If not then sure ask for disabled space.

And the thing is the more people who push it back onto the leisure centres to sort, and if needed follow with a written complaint, the more chances of getting facilties that work for all.

Do any of you have small sons yourselves?

Yes coincidentally I have an 8-year old. He's almost 5ft tall, closer to a teenager than a small baby, and his presence would likely make teen and pre-teen girls uncomfortable in women's changing room. So I don't take him there.

@Sirzy Why would they bother? Easier to just nick the girls spaces. Especially as they don’t actually care about the girls or about the need for better facilities as long as they can do what they think best.

So how do non binary and trans children stand on this?