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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son changing with Mum at gym swimming

999 replies

tailspin21 · 28/10/2021 08:25

Firstly, I know IABU posting in this section when it's not technically but I could really use impartial opinions and I know this is one place I can get them!
So, the conundrum. DS is 8, coming up 9 years old. We go for a swimming lesson twice a week, the pool is attached to a local gym. The men's changing room is one side of the pool and the women's is the other, so they're not side by side. Hubby can't (or won't - different thread!) come with. I am very conscious that women are changing in there - there are cubicles and DS always gets changed in a cubicle, but not every woman does not should they have to. My question is how much longer before he really needs to be going into the men's? I'm becoming increasingly aware but what is the magical cut off?! On the one hand I don't want him making other women uncomfortable. On the other, as an 8 year old alone in the men's changing room he's vulnerable himself. Am I overthinking? When should he be making that move? He's not always the most sensible but is generally not completely daft!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 28/10/2021 20:23

Those saying that a 8 year old should do and change unsupervised in the men's. Would you let your 8 year old daughter do that? Because my 8 year old DS is every bit as vulnerable in that situation as an 8 year old girl would be.

Amazed that you can’t see sending an eight year old girl into the men’s changing room alone is not even a little bit comparable.

TeaAndToastNameChange · 28/10/2021 20:25

Kowari - if you had taken your 9 year old son for a swim, had had your swim, and were in a rush to leave (to drop son at school afterwards/get to work/get to a party or whatever else..), and there was no one in the ladies changing area, but the men who you had just seen going in the mens gave you creepy vibes, what would you do? Would you let your 9 year old come in and change in the ladies with you? Or would you send him in the mens and hope you were wrong about the creepy vibes?

Thatsplentyjack · 28/10/2021 20:25

Amazed that you can’t see sending an eight year old girl into the men’s changing room alone is not even a little bit comparable.

Is it not?

PurpleDaisies · 28/10/2021 20:25

[quote Instagram]@PurpleDaisies not everyone can travel, limited public transport in rural areas, disabilities that prevent them from driving…[/quote]
Limited public transport in rural areas usually keeps you from going to any swimming pool. Bitter experience there.

None of those things should override a rule (assuming there is one) about children needing to use the correct sex changing room from age 8 or whatever.

Rety · 28/10/2021 20:26

I was around ten when I gave up some of my after school sports clubs as I hated that boys from my class were in the women's changing rooms where I had to get dressed and showered.
If they can't go in the men's room after 8 due to the parents finding that risky, they need to come up with alternatives such as many suggested on this thread.

PurpleDaisies · 28/10/2021 20:26

Is it not?

You honestly can’t see a difference? Honestly?

NoNayNever · 28/10/2021 20:28

There is a lot of hatred on here for mothers of boys, and the boys themselves.

Do you seriously think that not wanting a mixed sex changing room = "hatred"??

OffRoadFozzyBear · 28/10/2021 20:31

My gym has 3 changing rooms- male, female and family. The policy is that parents with children of the opposite sex should use the family changing room, regardless of age.

Occasionally someone ignores the rule. I complained a couple of years ago about a boy of about 9 being allowed to run around opening the shower doors. Thankfully the staff are now enforcing the rule again.

FarDownTheRiver · 28/10/2021 20:32

[quote Instagram]@FarDownTheRiver I just think the age of eight is too young for a more vulnerable than average boy to go in there alone and get changed. The news articles that document the rape/sexual assaults of children by adults in men’s changing rooms or toilets is highly disturbing!
I think if a mum wants to keep her child safe then she has that right.[/quote]
One day these boys will grow up and become men that people become scared to have their children around as a class. What impact does it have on a young boy that men as a class are so dangerous and predatory? Even girls in primary school are facing sexual abuse from boys the same age. I agree we need to keep children safe but not at the expense of each other.

Instagram · 28/10/2021 20:33

@PurpleDaisies some people could only access a local swimming pool, those on a low income may not be able to afford to travel too far, swimming alone can be costly for a family with a few children. Not everyone is privileged to be able to travel.

KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 28/10/2021 20:34

@TirednWorried

So there you have listed loads of ways your son could swim, but you don't like any of them. Well, here's the thing, it's not anyone else's job to find a solution

None of which are viable.

So he doesn't swim, until one of them is!

Yes sorry I'll make my son feel scared and vulnerable around naked male adult strangers. Or take my DDs in the men's changing room so they can feel vulnerable. Or win the lottery so I can afford to take them out of my area or afford to run a car. Or get over my abusive marriage quicker so I can find some random bloke to take him in. No. None of those things are going to happen.

What is going to happen is I'll continue to do what works for ALL my children, and the likes of you can fuck off.

julieca · 28/10/2021 20:36

Okay so instead some girls stop going swimming.

kowari · 28/10/2021 20:36

@TeaAndToastNameChange

Kowari - if you had taken your 9 year old son for a swim, had had your swim, and were in a rush to leave (to drop son at school afterwards/get to work/get to a party or whatever else..), and there was no one in the ladies changing area, but the men who you had just seen going in the mens gave you creepy vibes, what would you do? Would you let your 9 year old come in and change in the ladies with you? Or would you send him in the mens and hope you were wrong about the creepy vibes?
Not taken him to change in the women's. In fact he would have refused himself as he would have been too embarrassed at that age. He would have preferred to change poolside under a towel.
TeaAndToastNameChange · 28/10/2021 20:38

Kowari - so you'd rather he changed in public (under his towel) in front of everyone in the pool, than in an empty female changing room (again under his towel)?

Odd.

Thatsplentyjack · 28/10/2021 20:41

@PurpleDaisies

Is it not?

You honestly can’t see a difference? Honestly?

In terms of vulnerability? No.
Thatsplentyjack · 28/10/2021 20:42

Not taken him to change in the women's. In fact he would have refused himself as he would have been too embarrassed at that age. He would have preferred to change poolside under a towel.

Infront of everyone including the women and girls that would be in the changing rooms? That would be odd.

CatJumperTwat · 28/10/2021 20:43

What is going to happen is I'll continue to do what works for ALL my children, and the likes of you can fuck off.

And so can the little girls who will no longer want to go swimming. You're a peach.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 28/10/2021 20:43

Okay so instead some girls stop going swimming

I imagine that would be acceptable to some of the ‘my boy should be able to do as we want and be where we want, even in women’s Spaces and girls can can fuck off“ (as above) brigade here.

TattySlippers · 28/10/2021 20:43

No woman would welcome a man watching them get dressed in a communal changing room.

Girls, over the age of 8, don’t want boys, who are in their class at school, watching them get dressed either. Especially if they have hit puberty and the boys are sitting there grinning and sniggering at them.

Boys over 8 should be changing in the male changing room. Children with disabilities or ALN can be changed in the disabled facilities.

My DD was another who wanted to give up swimming at age 10 because two boys in her class at school were also in her swimming class. They always changed in the communal female changing room (no cubicles). Then the next day in school they would taunt her about her pink knickers or bra.

Her 8 year old brother used the male changing room. It was swimming lessons only so no “dodgy” men in there.

I spoke to the receptionist and asked what age should children be using the changing rooms for their sex. The answer was,”8”. The following week several large signs were placed in reception, on the changing room doors and in the pool area. “Over 7’s to use the changing room according to their sex”.

If your DD’s are uncomfortable with boys in the female space speak to the receptionist/lifeguard.

MovingForwardish · 28/10/2021 20:45

Sorry to butt in, but I need a bit of advice regarding changing rooms too...

DS (just 8) goes to lessons after school at a pool attached to a school, so just children swimming, never adults swimming or changing.

The last couple of years he's gone into the boys, but I've gone in with him - mainly because he'd just faff and take forever and for safety reasons.
Should I not be going in with him to a boys changing room?
To add to the confusion, there's a dad there every week that takes his daughter into the boys and helps her change! I feel so awful for her and always make sure DS is looking in opposite direction to her and hold up a towel to cover him etc.

elliejjtiny · 28/10/2021 20:45

This is partly why we don't use the local pool but pay £25 to exclusively hire the small hydrotherapy pool in the next town. I have a disabled 8 year-old who can't dress himself but doesn't look obviously disabled. If I take him in the women's changing room people complain and if I take him in the one disabled cubicle people complain then too.

elliejjtiny · 28/10/2021 20:46

As you can imagine we very rarely go swimming.

TeaAndToastNameChange · 28/10/2021 20:47

As you can imagine we very rarely go swimming.

SadSad

Thatsplentyjack · 28/10/2021 20:49

I imagine that would be acceptable to some of the ‘my boy should be able to do as we want and be where we want, even in women’s Spaces and girls can can fuck off“ (as above) brigade here.

Who said that? It's so dramatic! What people are saying is, they don't want to send their 8 year old child into a male changing room alone where he will be vulnerable. How about I be as dramatic as you. Fuck the little boys, who gives a shit if they get raped by an man in the male changing rooms while they are alone. Not my problem.

kowari · 28/10/2021 20:51

@TeaAndToastNameChange

Kowari - so you'd rather he changed in public (under his towel) in front of everyone in the pool, than in an empty female changing room (again under his towel)?

Odd.

He'd have been too embarrassed to potentially be seen going in the women's at the age of 9! He'd been using the men's for three years at that point. I actually don't know how I would stop him going in the men's in that situation, what do you tell a boy, that you don't like how those men look?