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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Son changing with Mum at gym swimming

999 replies

tailspin21 · 28/10/2021 08:25

Firstly, I know IABU posting in this section when it's not technically but I could really use impartial opinions and I know this is one place I can get them!
So, the conundrum. DS is 8, coming up 9 years old. We go for a swimming lesson twice a week, the pool is attached to a local gym. The men's changing room is one side of the pool and the women's is the other, so they're not side by side. Hubby can't (or won't - different thread!) come with. I am very conscious that women are changing in there - there are cubicles and DS always gets changed in a cubicle, but not every woman does not should they have to. My question is how much longer before he really needs to be going into the men's? I'm becoming increasingly aware but what is the magical cut off?! On the one hand I don't want him making other women uncomfortable. On the other, as an 8 year old alone in the men's changing room he's vulnerable himself. Am I overthinking? When should he be making that move? He's not always the most sensible but is generally not completely daft!

OP posts:

FreeBritnee · 28/10/2021 08:46

Sand issue here and for the moment he is with me In the women’s area. He’s very young for his age and his teachers are all in agreement that he has low level SEN though not enough to warrant another assessment. He is also very tall for his age. So I’m left in no mans land when I comes to his swimming lessons. It’s a real problem.

FreeBritnee · 28/10/2021 08:46

*Same

Frazzled2207 · 28/10/2021 08:49

My son is 8 and at swimming he recently insists on going into the men’s. Is a bit different though as it’s a kids swimming session- there are plenty of adults about but they’re all parents. I can see why you’re not keen but I think is a good opportunity to increase independence

arethereanyleftatall · 28/10/2021 08:49

Some young girls at 8 nearly 9 have started puberty. Can you imagine what it feels like for them (or indeed the girls who haven't started puberty) to be getting fully naked in the changing room with their male classmate able to look at them? (Because to get to a cubicle you normally have to walk through the open area).

So your starting point needs to be - he can't go in the girls changing room.

Then look at your options...

Adult Male takes him
Arrive beach ready, leave in onesie
Different pool with unisex changing room
Anything else which doesn't involve him being in the female space

delilabell · 28/10/2021 08:50

Our swimming pool is similar but has family changing rooms too so they might be an option? If they are full I still take ds into our changing rooms. He has additional needs and could not be let loose in a changing room by himself! I bundle him into a changing room to try and give others privacy.

ilovepuppies2019 · 28/10/2021 08:51

@logsonlogsoff

He’s still very young. DS didn’t go to the male section till he was almost 10. Our changing rooms had a ‘cut off’ of 10 I think but the kids had to be with parents so he wasn’t in their alone but with me and his sister. The other pool we used had a changing village style so it was t an issue there.

I would be very uncomfortable if a 10 year old boy entered a female changing space and I would have been uncomfortable at any age past 8. Many 10 year olds have entered puberty. I think that this age is past appropriate to be honest.

beingsunny · 28/10/2021 08:51

I started sending my DS in on his own at 8, he would take forever and I'd often have to send him back to collect his swimmers but they have to learn sometime. In the beginning I'd stand outside so was within talking distance, just leave him to it now, he turned 9 last month.

MatildaTheCat · 28/10/2021 08:53

@TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons

What about children with NDs? No way I'd let DS with ADHD get changed himself, just because of what he might do unsupervised.

That doesn’t mean he can continue to use the female facilities forever. I appreciate what you are saying but pools will have to provide a solution surely?

Our pool also has a family changing room but still a number of women do bring in their older looking boys which is uncomfortable for some people.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/10/2021 08:55

There are a few posters on here saying they have to take their ten year old boys in because of additional needs. Should they not be using the disabled changing rooms rather than the girls space?

Elephantsparade · 28/10/2021 08:55

Its very hard as a mum of boys to send your young boy into the mens alone. There are as many male victims of paedophiles as female as its basically the vulnerability and opportunity rather than the sex of the child that is the risk factor. Whilst the feminists on this board are very vocal about male violence to other men not being womens problem it is a mothers problem. I stopped swimming at my local pool because of this and found one with unisex changing booths as well as single sex rooms. My local pool has since had an upgrade. (My son has asd and wasnt ready at 8)
So you could lobby the pool for some family cubicles, arrive and leave in bathers or find a new pool.
I think 8 generally works because its clearly pre-puberty wheras by 9 some boys are beginning with puberty and getting quite big.

CakesOfVersailles · 28/10/2021 08:56

He is too old now to be in the women's. At my local pool he would have to be in the men's from his eighth birthday at the latest.

Even if he changes in the cubicle surely he walks through the changing area.

SausageSizzle · 28/10/2021 08:56

Is there a pool you can change to which has unisex/ family changing-rooms? Not having these would be a deal-breaker for me as most seem to have them round here.

I think 8/9 is young enough for your DS to be at risk by himself in the male changing rooms. If you have to send him in there, get him a personal safety device and teach him how to use it.

LindaLooky · 28/10/2021 08:56

That is a minefield isnt it. 8 seems too young to me but I'm not sure when id relax about that. Our council pool has unisex cubicles which I'm grateful for.

(Waits for thread about the dad not helping...)

TrickyD · 28/10/2021 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

FreeBritnee · 28/10/2021 08:56

@arethereanyleftatall
My priority is my sons safety. He can’t swim so I don’t fully trust him around water. If I send him off to the men’s changing room he will be posted out the other side of the pool where I have no access to him (we’re both allowed to be poolside). I also can’t just go and find other swimming lessons as we’ve sat on a waiting list for months to secure the ones we have. Covid has caused two local swimming lessons providers to cease trading.

If his presence caused a complaint I would happily work with the relevant authority to try and solve it. My partner is at work at the time of the lesson and unfortunately his grandfather died years ago. I don’t have access to another male adult so I’m doing the best I can.

Cascascascas · 28/10/2021 08:58

@tailspin21

He should be on his own in the mens period.

InTheLabyrinth · 28/10/2021 08:58

Another one saying 8 is the cutoff for not being in the ladies. Its either the men's or a family/unisex area for getting changed at that age (and yes, I have 2 boys, and no, they dont, and haven't come into the ladies changing or toilets since they were about 7).

emmathedilemma · 28/10/2021 08:58

My gym has age rules for this, I can't remember exactly what but over a certain age kids are meant to use a cubicle not the communal changing area and at an older age (I think it's 8 or 9) they use their own gender changing rooms.
Make it as easy for him as possible - trunks on under his clothes, trackies and hoody or onesie over the top, shoes that don't have a laces, and one of those big reuseable supermarket bags to chuck everything into.

FreeBritnee · 28/10/2021 08:59

@TrickyD

Tell him to say he identifies as female. No arguing with that, it seems.

HaveringWavering · 28/10/2021 08:59

OP, it’s a swimming lesson you say, so presumably there are other young boys there at the same time? Perhaps they are in the men’s changing rooms with their Dads? I really would not worry too much about his safety doing a quick change in a cubicle in what sounds like a private gym pool, in a room with other parents there. Yes, paedophiles exist but the chance of there being a random predator in this situation lying in wait in the changing room to prey on 8 year old boys is extremely small.

Do you let him go into public gents’ toilets in his own when out and about?

SausageSizzle · 28/10/2021 09:00

I'd definitely recommend giving him a personal alarm that he can set off if he feels uncomfortable or threatened.

Holly60 · 28/10/2021 09:01

Lord this is so sad. OP I would have no issue whatsoever with your little boy changing in the ladies. I am not concerned he will be ‘watching’ me as some posters seem to suggest. I would also avoid getting changed in front of him as I would not want to horrify him with an inadvertent flash of my sixty something body .

As long as there are cubicles and your DS is comfortable I really don’t see a problem.

I’m pretty sure boys and girls get changed for PE in the same classroom all through primary school so I don’t think it’s really an issue for an 8 year old to be with his mum.

HosannainExcelSheets · 28/10/2021 09:01

The kids all change in the classroom for PE all through primary at loads of schools. He's 8... Just keep doing what's right for you and if that's both changing in the ladies then do.

Out of interest, what do you think would happen to him if he changed alone in the men's side? Or is it just that he'd mess around and take ages.

userg5647 · 28/10/2021 09:02

My leisure club is 7, I've taken my 10 year old and let him change in the men's of course but haven't taken my 7 year old, I'm not comfortable letting him go in the men's on his own, 7 feels too young so will take him when he's older. The pool we have swimming lessons in has one of those unisex changing villages where it's all cubicles so that's fine.

Dinosauria · 28/10/2021 09:02

Say he ids as a girl, if grown men are welcomed into changing rooms I struggle to get upset about a young child changing in a cubicle.

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