Son changing with Mum at gym swimming

[tailspin21]

Firstly, I know IABU posting in this section when it's not technically but I could really use impartial opinions and I know this is one place I can get them!
So, the conundrum. DS is 8, coming up 9 years old. We go for a swimming lesson twice a week, the pool is attached to a local gym. The men's changing room is one side of the pool and the women's is the other, so they're not side by side. Hubby can't (or won't - different thread!) come with. I am very conscious that women are changing in there - there are cubicles and DS always gets changed in a cubicle, but not every woman does not should they have to. My question is how much longer before he really needs to be going into the men's? I'm becoming increasingly aware but what is the magical cut off?! On the one hand I don't want him making other women uncomfortable. On the other, as an 8 year old alone in the men's changing room he's vulnerable himself. Am I overthinking? When should he be making that move? He's not always the most sensible but is generally not completely daft!

Just like the feelings of a young boy are to be disregarded. It's very hard to find a solution best for all.

no stop it. Girls feelings ARE being disregarded here and it's all excused with "wah wah my boy". ALL we are asking for is that your solution doesn't involve putting girls in a position where they have to have a boy in their changing room.

How do you all still not get it? Or are you, as i suspect, all so wound up by your "how can those horrible harridans be so mean about my little cutiepie" that you simply won't bloody listen and engage?

NOBODY is asking you to put them in harm's way. But in doing that, you shouldn't expect girls to give up their privacy. Just flipping stop it.

They did WHAT??!!! And the club did nothing? (in response to my DDs giving up karate)

yes, the club did. They told the boys, and their parents, in no uncertain terms that it wasn't acceptable.

I have no idea if it stopped because my daughters flatly refused to go back. And wouldn't go anywhere else just in case (small town, the chances are a lot of the kids are at their school). The boys made comments at school, taunted them in the playground. Low level stuff that just put them off.

And now, as young women, they are FURIOUS that they didn't feel safe.

SINGLE SEX CHANGING AFTER AGE 8

BOYS SHOULD HAVE SOMEWHERE SAFE TO CHANGE

These aren't mutually exclusive, mothers of boys you'll have to campaign for it (just like many other groups have had to campaign for changes they want)

Genuinely is there anyone who disagrees with this??

@Journeyofthedragons ....all children/sexes need safe spaces ...

@Brefugee I think an eight year old boy requiring support and is with his mum and highly likely to be using a cubicle is being over sexualised by yourself. Maybe you are over thinking it all too much 🤔
The mum has a right to use female changing rooms with a dependent child. (I’m not talking any child one that is young and in need of support.
There sometimes is disabled facilities
but for young children they may want some normality so the option should be there to use the ladies changing rooms like they have in younger years especially with ASD the transition can take longer.

NOBODY is asking you to put them in harm's way. But in doing that, you shouldn't expect girls to give up their privacy. Just flipping stop it.

Boy mum here and I totally agree.
This is why our family have chosen to swim somewhere with family changing.
I'm not raising a son to feel entitled to stamp on girls' boundaries.

@Brefugee they should have at the very least suspended the boys for a period.... your daughter is right to be furious!!

They either start that transition in time to make sure they are ready by the age that the venue has set as a reasonable age or they use other facilties.

As said before disabled children are equally as deserving of privacy and dignity and it’s up to parents to facilitate that. If they aren’t ready to independently change by 8 then you us then disabled facilties or you go to places with a unisex change. You don’t create your own unisex change with no regard for others.

But many posters are asking them to be put in potential harm's way by saying they should go in the men's changing rooms, without any thought that they are only 8 (or possibly younger)

No. People are not saying that they must go into the males, they are saying that they must not go into the females.

Some posters are so tied up in fighting the patriarchy that they forget this is a primary aged child they're talking about. A little boy, not some hormone charged teen.

This little boy isn't the patriarchy, he's just a little boy who's mum doesn't feel comfortable allowing into a men's changing room alone.

How about a bit of perspective eh.

Your son should be changing in the men’s changing room. From age 8 children should get changed in the appropriate single sex space.

If you aren’t prepared to do that, move to one with family changing facilities.

@LolaSmiles

NOBODY is asking you to put them in harm's way. But in doing that, you shouldn't expect girls to give up their privacy. Just flipping stop it.

Boy mum here and I totally agree.
This is why our family have chosen to swim somewhere with family changing.
I'm not raising a son to feel entitled to stamp on girls' boundaries.

Totally agree too. Lone parent to a teen boy. He went in the men's from six, he felt uncomfortable changing in the women's with girls from his class! I would not have taken him in the women's at age eight for any reason, it's not fair on women and girls. I would have popped jogging bottoms and a tshirt on over his speedos if need be.

@KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods

Some posters are so tied up in fighting the patriarchy that they forget this is a primary aged child they're talking about. A little boy, not some hormone charged teen.

This little boy isn't the patriarchy, he's just a little boy who's mum doesn't feel comfortable allowing into a men's changing room alone.

How about a bit of perspective eh.

I’m a grownup. I can handle a pre-pubescent boy in the changing room. I might not love it, but I can deal.

I am objecting on behalf of the little girls who deserve to have their privacy respected and deserve to be taught that boundaries matter.

I do wonder how there are so many people on here who have no other option but to take their sons into womens’ facilities. Where are the fathers?
I’m.. something like 98

I am objecting on behalf of the little girls who deserve to have their privacy respected and deserve to be taught that boundaries matter

You do realise for the vast majority of primary school, boys and girls will be getting changed together for PE?

Good for you @DriftingBlue and I'm objecting on behalf of little boys who might feel vulnerable and uncomfortable alone with naked adult male strangers.

Most schools do not change for PE....another perk of covid is this practice has now stopped. PE is worn for the day. Progress at last!

I do wonder how there are so many people on here who have no other option but to take their sons into womens’ facilities. Where are the fathers?
They have done a bunk? 90%of lone parents are female.
As for “ take them somewhere with a changing village” that’s assuming there is anywhere in reach. I had no car for years and there were only 2 places we could get to on the bus. Not every kid had a dad, not every kids mum has a car. Just saying!

To be honest on reality there are no rules as the age is guidance. How likely are staff to challenge the age of a child if it doesn’t affect profits.
I get my daughter to use a cubicle and most others do.
Until suitable provisions are put in place and there is unisex cubicles boys with support needs need to be with their mothers aswel as girls get to.
It’s not like the boys are going in unsupervised.
Mother’s have the right to protect their children and they will do what they deem appropriate.
Feminists can go on about this as much as they like but the mother of the child can just alter the age or state non binary for that day, job done!

I think an eight year old boy requiring support and is with his mum and highly likely to be using a cubicle is being over sexualised by yourself. Maybe you are over thinking it all too much

aw, Instagram, again another one who isn't reading. Up to 8 is ok. After 8 find another solution. 8, 9, 10 etc year old girls have the right not to have boys in their spaces.

But many posters are asking them to be put in potential harm's way by saying they should go in the men's changing rooms, without any thought that they are only 8 (or possibly younger)

Point them out. Nobody is saying this. It is utterly ridiculous to spout this nonsense

@Brefugee I am multitasking so apologies if I have a detail wrong, I have kids to tend to.
The main or sometimes only caregiver to children is more frequently the mother who has to use female facilities so if she has a dependent child with needs she should carry on taking that child.
Which quite clearly she can as there is no law preventing it!

I would think the odds of my young DS being assaulted by an adult male stranger in a changing room or toilet unsupervised is significantly higher than the risk of him assaulting a woman or girl while with me in a changing room or toilet (or even not with me for that matter). I fully agree that women and girls need to be safe but demonising young boys and labelling them as potential predators and rapists before they leave junior school is just wrong. They are children who can't help being male and it's really unfair that they are made to carry responsibility for some adult men's behaviour. The system at our pool is ideal. All changing takes place in unisex cubicles. There are different sizes and you choose who you do/do not share with. No one needs to feel threatened or exposed. As I said in my previous post it's just weird that communal changing rooms still exist given the issues that exist around safety, privacy, gender etc.

@DrCoconut 👏well said!