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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son changing with Mum at gym swimming

999 replies

tailspin21 · 28/10/2021 08:25

Firstly, I know IABU posting in this section when it's not technically but I could really use impartial opinions and I know this is one place I can get them!
So, the conundrum. DS is 8, coming up 9 years old. We go for a swimming lesson twice a week, the pool is attached to a local gym. The men's changing room is one side of the pool and the women's is the other, so they're not side by side. Hubby can't (or won't - different thread!) come with. I am very conscious that women are changing in there - there are cubicles and DS always gets changed in a cubicle, but not every woman does not should they have to. My question is how much longer before he really needs to be going into the men's? I'm becoming increasingly aware but what is the magical cut off?! On the one hand I don't want him making other women uncomfortable. On the other, as an 8 year old alone in the men's changing room he's vulnerable himself. Am I overthinking? When should he be making that move? He's not always the most sensible but is generally not completely daft!

OP posts:
Brefugee · 28/10/2021 09:18

My son is of a similar age and there is no way would I let him go into a men’s changing room on his own.

why? do you think it's full of predators? and therefore it's ok to potentially make young girls uncomfortable? that's not a solution

My son is now 13 but when he was around 8-10 he started saying he didn't want to come into the ladies with me. I took this as a sign that he was old enough to assert boundaries

And if he'd encountered me or my DDs from when they were about 7-8 they would have asserted their boundaries by saying he wasn't to come into the girls' changing.

The answer is of course, either unisex with lockable cubicles (we have this where i live, they are not floor-to-ceiling there is no trouble) and/or a family changing room - also with a cubicle or two. And accessible changing rooms. Every time.

ImUninsultable · 28/10/2021 09:19

@Branleuse

Women will be standing naked in the communal area while this kid walks through. Young girls, possibly from his class in school, will be at those lesson and standing changing in the communal area. They deserted privacy and dignity and shouldn't have a male classmate walk into their space while they are changing. Plenty of girls in the lessons at our pool use the communal space to change as there are limited cubicles. They should not have to see a boy from their class walk past them in that situation.

He is old enough to change alone. He needs to go to the men's.

PurpleDaisies · 28/10/2021 09:20

Can’t he pair up with a friend from the swimming lesson to change?

KimmyKimdoo · 28/10/2021 09:20

Over 8s should not be in women’s changing rooms. I would definitely complain if I saw a boy clearly of that age or older in there. It’s totally unfair on little girls / preteens who feel uncomfortable, feel embarrassed to say anything and don’t have anywhere else to go. Him going into a cubicle doesn’t help anything?! He would still walk through seeing the girls undressed which is what may upset them. There are rarely enough cubicles for everyone that wants one anyone - so him using one isn’t guaranteed and if he did, he’d be taking up a space of a girl who perhaps wanted that privacy from him being in there.

There should always be a family room option, if there isn’t then it’s done to the boy’s parents to sort this out I’m afraid.

user1471530109 · 28/10/2021 09:20

OP, I only have dds so don't feel qualified to give an opinion (our swimming pool changing room is all mixed).

Our pool's covid restrictions meant DC lessons could go ahead if no changing. So kids arrived in their cossies then jumped out and into an oodie, or onsie etc and straight home. My dds still do this and then shower at home. So much quicker! Might solve your issue?

ColinTheKoala · 28/10/2021 09:21

Fortunately it's not a dilemma that we have locally anymore because the local leisure centre has a unisex village which I know some women don't like, but it's a lot easier when you have mums taking sons or dads taking daughters. You can either stand outside a cubicle or go in with them in some of the bigger ones.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 28/10/2021 09:21

Your unwillingness to allow your 8 year old son to change in the men’s doesn’t overuse the right of women and girls to change in a female only space.

It is your problem to deal with, not the girls or women. And just because some say they don’t have a problem with it doesn’t mean that those that do should have to put up with it.

Get your ds a onesie or something like a dry robe and he can shower and get dresses at home

ColinTheKoala · 28/10/2021 09:22

Agree that arriving ready to swim might solve the issue too. I don't like onesies but there are also those big "outdoor dressing gown" things which I've forgotten the name of but people wear them after outdoor swimming?

ColinTheKoala · 28/10/2021 09:23

Dry robe!

EnjoyingTheSilence · 28/10/2021 09:23

Also it’s not fair to him. He might not want to see naked women or be upset if there was no cubicle and he dropped his towel and was naked himself.

RacketeerRalph · 28/10/2021 09:24

I'd just shove a onesie on him pool side and get him changed at home. I'd be very concerned about him alone in a changing room.

I think it should be mandatory for all changing facilities to be cubical only. I don't want to change in front of others nor see others changing.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 28/10/2021 09:25

Yes, absolutely agree with this and agree that boys of this age shouldn’t be in the female changing rooms

Totally agree.

tootiredtospeak · 28/10/2021 09:25

He probably should but its crap there is no communal area. At our baths it's all communal so people have to go in a cubicle to change and really they should anyway. I would speak to the gym ask if there is anywhere you could go together there might be a disabled space you could access if unused

knittingaddict · 28/10/2021 09:25

I know this doesn't help the op, but I'm starting to really appreciate our local leisure centre. The changing rooms are used by everyone and tgere is no mens or womens. There are loads of single and double cubicles and no one gets changed in the open because there's no where to do that.

I take my grandsons swimming and there will be no need to worry as they get older. I wish all pools were like this.

PurpleDaisies · 28/10/2021 09:26

What disability does the boy have? I must have missed that.

KatharinaRosalie · 28/10/2021 09:26

your gym probably has rules and as others have said, the cut off is usually 8.
I have an 8-yo DS and he is certainly old enough not to be considered a baby and also old enough so he could make girls in their changing room uncomfortable. He goes to mens. Also for swimming classes, he has his friends from swimming class changing there at the same time, it's not just him alone with random adult men.

Ozgirl75 · 28/10/2021 09:26

My 8 year old would absolutely refuse to go into the women’s changing room in any event - he no more wants to see nude girls than they want to be seen!
Wearable towel is your simple solution.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/10/2021 09:26

8 is the cut off point. He should be in the men's already.

Are there not cubicles in there to give him privacy?

If you're not comfortable with the changing set-up at this pool, you need to find swimming lessons elsewhere. e.g. a company that uses a private pool (e.g. at a school) for their lessons, so there are only children getting change. Or one that has separate changing for classes.

Rules and social norms cannot function, if everyone believes themselves to be the exception.

ImUninsultable · 28/10/2021 09:27

@Holly60

An 8 year old girl should not have to stand naked in front of a boy from her class, which is what will end up happening in a local pool when women decide the rules dont apply to their son and he can go in because "he's only walking thought to go to a cubicle and it really doesn't matter".

Girls deserve privacy and dignity. An 8 year old should not be in the women's changing where his peers may be naked. It is not a space for him to be in.

HaveringWavering · 28/10/2021 09:28

I find it really really sad that so many people think that a men’s changing room in a swimming pool is “just not safe” for an eight year old boy whose Mum is outside. Do you really believe that there is a paedophile lurking round every corner, and that they would prey on a young boy in full view of other men? What a sad, paranoid perspective in society. I blame the Sun.

CandyFloss31 · 28/10/2021 09:29

I wouldn’t before 10. I have an 8yo and wouldn’t let him go in the men’s alone. If the pool challenged me, I’d be thinking of alternatives, like arriving in kit and leaving in dressing gown like during Covid times.

WellLarDeDar · 28/10/2021 09:29

I'd feel really uncomfortable with an 8 year old boy in the women's changing rooms. I would also feel uncomfortable with an 8 year old girl in the men's changing rooms. I think 8 is definitely old enough to change on their own.

FreeBritnee · 28/10/2021 09:30

@SantasLittleHoHoHo

I've had an issue with this before and had to ask the woman to take her son out - because I was being made to feel uncomfortable, I think he was about 9/10. It wasn't a nice experience, and to be honest shouldn't have happened in a space dedicated to women!

The changing rooms are for women and girls - if there's no family facilities he would need to use the men's. It's not for other women to compromise on their safety / feelings when using a space intended just for them because you aren't comfortable sending your son to the male changing rooms. Ideally there would be family changing rooms, if not then use the space intended for him (male) or quickly towel off and onesie until home perhaps?

You sound lovely.
Sirzy · 28/10/2021 09:30

Ds can’t change or anything alone. 7 was the cut off that I stopped taking him to change with me (or nipping into the ladies with me) and moved to the disabled facilties instead.

It’s about dignity for all parties and putting in sensible boundaries. It would be unfair on him for me to make him use the ladies and it would be unfair on everyone in the ladies to have him there.

WeeTattieBogle · 28/10/2021 09:31

@Holly60

Lord this is so sad. OP I would have no issue whatsoever with your little boy changing in the ladies. I am not concerned he will be ‘watching’ me as some posters seem to suggest. I would also avoid getting changed in front of him as I would not want to horrify him with an inadvertent flash of my sixty something body Grin.

As long as there are cubicles and your DS is comfortable I really don’t see a problem.

I’m pretty sure boys and girls get changed for PE in the same classroom all through primary school so I don’t think it’s really an issue for an 8 year old to be with his mum.

I’m of the same mind and what I’ll take away from this thread is the reply from one particular poster who has managed to make her point come across chillingly. It says way more about her than any 8 year old.