Son changing with Mum at gym swimming

[tailspin21]

Firstly, I know IABU posting in this section when it's not technically but I could really use impartial opinions and I know this is one place I can get them!
So, the conundrum. DS is 8, coming up 9 years old. We go for a swimming lesson twice a week, the pool is attached to a local gym. The men's changing room is one side of the pool and the women's is the other, so they're not side by side. Hubby can't (or won't - different thread!) come with. I am very conscious that women are changing in there - there are cubicles and DS always gets changed in a cubicle, but not every woman does not should they have to. My question is how much longer before he really needs to be going into the men's? I'm becoming increasingly aware but what is the magical cut off?! On the one hand I don't want him making other women uncomfortable. On the other, as an 8 year old alone in the men's changing room he's vulnerable himself. Am I overthinking? When should he be making that move? He's not always the most sensible but is generally not completely daft!

I would decide based on how busy it is. If it's a busy pool with lots of other children swimming and dad's in the changing room with their kids throughout then I would be fine with it, however if it's a quiet swimming pool where he may be in there with just one other man then I would wait until around 10

l am glad to see this problem for mums of younger sons highlighted.
It personally wouldn't bother me at all as a woman and also single parent seeing an eight year old boy come in to changing room with his mum.
There is very little sympathy or understanding of how awkward it can be for women with young sons in situation like this Boys are vulnerable and need protection too. That's why l hated sending my sons into male toilets alone at young age . I work in a big supermarket and often get asked by women on their own if it's ok for their younger son to come in to female cubicles with them, it can cause a lot of anxiety for the parent, they don't like to feel they are making a fuss or feel that are upsetting others
Often the disabled toilets are locked and takes forever to obtain a key, so that is not practical.

Our swimming pool just redid their changing rooms and they are now unisex. I suspect all new pools will be built like this for all the reasons stated here.

@HaveringWavering my choices aren’t for my sons to use either the men’s or the women’s - I definitely don’t allow my boys into the women’s (and they would refuse to go anyway). As I mentioned, mine get changed under a towel by the side of the pool if there isn’t a family changing room.

Havering wavering, what is wrong with you?! Read my post. I was in the shower cubicle, not the toilet, and I specifically said an eyeful of water.

Your mind...🤢

I am disabled, but if there is a unisex disabled changing room, then please use that. The same goes for public toilets, if there are any unisex disabled loos around, and a DC needs to go, then please use the the disabled toilet, just be as quick as possible please!

Ours is 8 but they also have one family cubicle for this situation. It's actually a shared disabled changing space so not ideal, but that's their system

He needs to go in the men’s. DS used to go changed, so just took off outer layers quickly and put in a bag which he brought poolside. Then when we’d finished, quick dry, put on joggers, tshirt and then go into reception to finish off more fiddle bits, socks, shoes, dry hair etc. We practised at home so that he knew what he was doing by the time he was 8. Took no time at all.

[quote ImUninsultable]@HaveringWavering
I've never known a shower to pour urine instead of water. If you cup your hand under your shower, it fills with water.
What sort of shower do you have that you would have a hand full of piss if you cupped it under the running water?[/quote]
Ha ha she said it was the toilet block and that the kid peered into her cubicle. I missed the word “shower”. Thank goodness!

If the gym has a rule that there's no boys over 8 allowed and this is going to be disregarded then why not go in to the men's changing room with him? It's surely the same rule you would be breaking and you could still change in a cubicle? Also the swimming pool might have more incentive to suggest alternatives...

@TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons

What about children with NDs? No way I'd let DS with ADHD get changed himself, just because of what he might do unsupervised.

Same. DS has ADHD and anxiety and is also v small for his age. He's nearly 9 and fortunately our local pool had unisex changing. He also uses the ladies loos With me and doesn't seem to mind. We don't need / don't have the right to use disabled facilities, he's not registered as disabled (yet).

@HaveringWavering we all risk assess differently. You have assessed, presumably, that the risk from getting changed in the men’s is so small that you’re prepared to take that risk. Fine! Almost certainly your son would be fine.
I, on the other hand, have assessed that as it’s so easy to avoid even the small risk (by changing poolside) that I won’t send him to the men’s.
Both fine - we’re both making the choices that we think are right, based on the information available to us at that point.

But there IS a reason to expose them to this (in my view) extremely small, much less than 1% risk.

Don’t mistake my position on this matter, but you can’t just make up percentages to fit your argument.

But consider 100 men then at least one is a pedo, it’s quite high really.

@NewlyGranny

Havering wavering, what is wrong with you?! Read my post. I was in the shower cubicle, not the toilet, and I specifically said an eyeful of water.

Your mind...🤢

Fair cop, I skim read and saw the word toilet and put two and two together and made 20!

@Freddiefox

But there IS a reason to expose them to this (in my view) extremely small, much less than 1% risk.

Don’t mistake my position on this matter, but you can’t just make up percentages to fit your argument.

But consider 100 men then at least one is a pedo, it’s quite high really.

Where do you get that statistic?

@Moonface123

It doesnt matter if it wouldnt bother you. There will be 8 years old girls standing there naked. Should they have to see their classmate walk in and look at them? No.
There will be girls going through puberty whio already feel awkward, and my 8 year old is bigger than my 10 year old. He certainly doesnt look like a little boy.
There will be women who just dont want a boy watching them change.

All this, "oh I wouldnt care about your 8 year old" doesn't matter. There are women and girls who will. Girls probably moreso. They are in the room designated for them. They have nowhere else to go. They deserve privacy and dignity.

I am a single mum to 2 boys. My opinion is keep your 8 year old sons out of the women's changing room because it is for women and girls. Not boys.

Lord this is so sad. OP I would have no issue whatsoever with your little boy changing in tp⁰he ladies. I am not concerned he will be ‘watching’ me as some posters seem to suggest
Its not about you though.
It is during swinning lessons so that will mean there will be young girls there for a lesson as well who are likely to feel uncomfortable. Their feelings matter.

8 is still quite young...he is a vulnerable because of his age. I'd have no problem with a mum bringing her 8 year-old son into the changing room. No one would think it's ok for an 8 year old girl to be alone in a room with a load of unknown men so I have no idea why it would be ok for a boy? Anyway this is exactly why they should have family changing rooms.

My ds are 8 and 9. They go to swimming lessons at our local pool. If I take them they come into the female changing rooms, if dh take them then they go into the male changing rooms. We go all ready, in swim wear, dressing gowns and flip flops. When they come out they shower (all showers have cubicle doors) and then into a locked cubicle to get changed. I would not feel happy with my ds going into a male changing room unaccompanied. My ds don't go out on their own, so I couldn't imagine sending them to a swimming pool on their own. If there were no locked showers or cubicles I would probably take them home to shower.

I think 8 is the cut off generally. My DS is 9 and he'd now be really embarrassed going into the ladies changing room. Also you need to think that little girls his own age might not be comfortable with a boy in the girls changing room (I doubt a grown woman would care but some might). If we are out he'll also go into the men's toilet and I'll wait outside.

@TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons

What about children with NDs? No way I'd let DS with ADHD get changed himself, just because of what he might do unsupervised.

Mine is 7 - no he won’t go in the men’s - we go fully changed and ready. He’s in and out we get changed in a cubicle on the way out in the women’s. For me I’d like to see swimming pools confront this is that some 8 years olds can’t go in on their own.

@Ozgirl75

But you're changing poolside, and I'm sure discreetly to give your son as much privacy as possible. Just like how you would change at the beach really. That's a good solution.

But look at the number of women on here insisting that their boys will be going into the women's and if women are uncomfortable with it then that's their issue. It's totally wrong. No thought for young girls, no though for privacy and dignity for women.

I find it sad that so many posters are treating an 8 year old accompanied by his mum like a predator that would make girls uncomfortable while at the same time dismissing any risk to the boy being alone with strange adult men.

Shouldn't we be safeguarding children, whether they are female or male?

@arethereanyleftatall

At our pool we have great big signs on the doors of changing rooms saying something like 'no males over 8 in here'. (Or better words!) How do those of you who do take boys over 8 in to female spaces, explain to your boys when they they ask about the sign, and why it doesn't apply to them?

There needs to be;

1. A girls changing room.
2. A boys changing room.
3. Unisex family changing rooms
4. Disabled changing rooms.

Every time.

I completely agree with this, some places have some extremely lacking facilities!! The pool we have used in the past removed the unisex changing rooms to make a cafe 🤦🏻‍♀️ it was attached to a gym/spa type thing so they were only catering to their demographic of customers I suppose, but still! We use the nearest council one now and they have a male, female and family changing areas which is loads better!

But yes OP, at 8 it's probably about time he started using the mens, or as others have suggested a quick dry off poolside and a onsie just to get him home.... Be loads quicker that too!

It doesnt matter if it wouldnt bother you. There will be 8 years old girls standing there naked. Should they have to see their classmate walk in and look at them? No.

👏👏👏

Everytime he goes in there he is violating women's hard earned rights.