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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son changing with Mum at gym swimming

999 replies

tailspin21 · 28/10/2021 08:25

Firstly, I know IABU posting in this section when it's not technically but I could really use impartial opinions and I know this is one place I can get them!
So, the conundrum. DS is 8, coming up 9 years old. We go for a swimming lesson twice a week, the pool is attached to a local gym. The men's changing room is one side of the pool and the women's is the other, so they're not side by side. Hubby can't (or won't - different thread!) come with. I am very conscious that women are changing in there - there are cubicles and DS always gets changed in a cubicle, but not every woman does not should they have to. My question is how much longer before he really needs to be going into the men's? I'm becoming increasingly aware but what is the magical cut off?! On the one hand I don't want him making other women uncomfortable. On the other, as an 8 year old alone in the men's changing room he's vulnerable himself. Am I overthinking? When should he be making that move? He's not always the most sensible but is generally not completely daft!

OP posts:
CatJumperTwat · 28/10/2021 09:02

He's old enough to make girls feel uncomfortable with his presence, so he goes in the men's. That's true of boys with SN as well. Girls shouldn't have to sacrifice privacy and dignity to make up for a lack of accessible facilities.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/10/2021 09:04

@Holly60

Lord this is so sad. OP I would have no issue whatsoever with your little boy changing in the ladies. I am not concerned he will be ‘watching’ me as some posters seem to suggest. I would also avoid getting changed in front of him as I would not want to horrify him with an inadvertent flash of my sixty something body Grin.

As long as there are cubicles and your DS is comfortable I really don’t see a problem.

I’m pretty sure boys and girls get changed for PE in the same classroom all through primary school so I don’t think it’s really an issue for an 8 year old to be with his mum.

You won't have a problem with it, of course, but you're presumably an adult. What about an 8 year old girl who's in his class? At school they stay in their underwear, in a swimming pool changing room they're naked. Completely different.
PomegranateQueen · 28/10/2021 09:05

Have you got the option of changing pools? My son has just turned 8 (but looks much older) and there is no way I would send him alone into the mens, it's not safe. I changed pools to one that has family changing because the other pools facilities were inadequate.

userg5647 · 28/10/2021 09:05

And everyone talks about the privacy of girls, but my boys would be mortified to have to get changed in front of girls too!

SausageSizzle · 28/10/2021 09:06

I think it's pretty obvious what the OP is worried about. And it happens. It's rare but not unknown for young boys to be attacked in male toilets and changing spaces.

It's a risk the OP has to be aware of and guard against. Yes, it's probably time for the boy to move to the male changing-room, but I would also be worried like the OP.

Ugzbugz · 28/10/2021 09:07

My pool only has separate showers for men and women but tye overly changing cubicles are just a free for all but there is no communal are if you don't want to use a cubicle.

8 year old showering alone with other men..but then again last time I was there a woman was beating her 5 year old son Confused

SantasLittleHoHoHo · 28/10/2021 09:08

I've had an issue with this before and had to ask the woman to take her son out - because I was being made to feel uncomfortable, I think he was about 9/10. It wasn't a nice experience, and to be honest shouldn't have happened in a space dedicated to women!

The changing rooms are for women and girls - if there's no family facilities he would need to use the men's. It's not for other women to compromise on their safety / feelings when using a space intended just for them because you aren't comfortable sending your son to the male changing rooms. Ideally there would be family changing rooms, if not then use the space intended for him (male) or quickly towel off and onesie until home perhaps?

Blurryeyedbeast · 28/10/2021 09:09

I agree with this.
If there's no family room OP and you're uncomfortable I'd suggest same as a pp. He changes when he gets home (see if he can have a quick dry at side of pool, trunks on and throw something warm on him?) Or in the car?
Slightly more inconvenient if you've got a 2 hr bus ride home or something?

arethereanyleftatall · 28/10/2021 09:10

At our pool we have great big signs on the doors of changing rooms saying something like 'no males over 8 in here'. (Or better words!)
How do those of you who do take boys over 8 in to female spaces, explain to your boys when they they ask about the sign, and why it doesn't apply to them?

There needs to be;

  1. A girls changing room.
  2. A boys changing room.
  3. Unisex family changing rooms
  4. Disabled changing rooms.
Every time.
Blurryeyedbeast · 28/10/2021 09:10

@Blurryeyedbeast

I agree with this. If there's no family room OP and you're uncomfortable I'd suggest same as a pp. He changes when he gets home (see if he can have a quick dry at side of pool, trunks on and throw something warm on him?) Or in the car? Slightly more inconvenient if you've got a 2 hr bus ride home or something?
Sorry, quote fail. I was meant to quote the Pp who said shove a onesie straight on him and he gets changed at home.
NursieBernard · 28/10/2021 09:11

You need to speak to the gym/swimming pool about this and see if they offer an alternative. There is no way I would send my lone 8 year old boy into a male changing area.

MisterMeaner · 28/10/2021 09:11

My son is now 13 but when he was around 8-10 he started saying he didn't want to come into the ladies with me. I took this as a sign that he was old enough to assert boundaries, so the deal was that he could go in the men's on his own but that if he saw or heard ANYTHING that made him feel even a little bit uncomfortable, he was to yell for me. I hovered near the door whilst he was in there, prepared to burst in and rescue him.

Thankfully I never needed to go flying into the men's to rescue my child from a spider (or anything worse), but it set my mind at rest.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 28/10/2021 09:12

A pool I went to years ago during swimming lessons had the 'team' changing rooms (for when there was water polo or swimming galas) as a 'father and child' and 'mother and child' changing rooms.

MisterMeaner · 28/10/2021 09:12

Just to add, by "assert boundaries" I don't mean that he was old enough to fend off a predator - I meant that it wasn't fair to force him into the ladies if it made him uncomfortable.

dottiedodah · 28/10/2021 09:12

Our local pool has a family changing room .ATM if you are in a cubicle then that should be fine really. Th magic age of 8? Unless someone complains ,then I would just carry on FTB

girlmom21 · 28/10/2021 09:12

Does he have any friends at the class he could change with?

Personally I wouldn't have a problem if he was getting changed in a cubicle and waiting in there until you're ready, and then leaving the changing room with you.

Do the cubicles lead into the communal area or is it avoidable?

itsgettingwierd · 28/10/2021 09:13

I get what you're saying and I think it's great people are thinking about this from a woman's perspective.

Most pools now have changing villages and whilst I like them for not having to send children off alone and possibly being vulnerable it doesn't solve the issue of woman (or men) who want solo sex spaces.

A pool has been built near me recently and finally somewhere has this right.

They have a large changing village with separate rooms for family/ disabled.

Also they have two smaller single sex changing areas either side with a door to enter. These have communal and cubicle changing.

anon12345678901 · 28/10/2021 09:14

My son went in the male changing room alone at 10. I wait outside the door of it for him to come out. Before he used to go in the ladies in a cubicle.

Plotato · 28/10/2021 09:14

I've not worked in a school recently where boys and girls change together, even though it used to be the norm. Even though it causes all sorts of logistical issues, in the past 5 or 6 years schools I've worked in needed to come up with solutions because every year there were girls in Y5/6 who had entered puberty to the point of starting periods - expecting them to all still change together was just silly.

I appreciate it doesn't help the vulnerable issue, but I think lot of boys would cope changing alone better than their parents think. I've taught very disorganised boys, boys with various SN etc who you would not expect to manage but when left to it managed to sort themselves out after school swimming lessons (and no, friends weren't helping them - it was a huge rush and every man for himself). I see it with my own daughter and what she manages at nursery - children are often far more capable than their parents believe.

Holly60 · 28/10/2021 09:15

@arethereanyleftatall OP stated that he uses a cubicle already. I suppose that an 8 year old girl could be getting changed in the communal area but to be honest an 8 year old boy seeing her naked is probably no worse than loads of women (including me as a sixty-something) being able to see her naked.

Branleuse · 28/10/2021 09:15

I dont know why anyone woukd be bothered about an 8 or 9 year old boy getting changed in a cubicle. I think by 8 they would normally be starting to be getting changed in the mens, but because kids have differing levels of maturity and ability, i dont think people should enforce it. If cubicles available then its a rule for the sake of it. Its an 8 year old kid. Absolutely would still have mine getting changed in cubicle with me at 8. They have SEN which is none of anyone elses business to know.
I prefer sex segregated spaces, but when its peoples primary school children and they have literal cubicles, then no need for people tp be weird about it as long as the kid is behaving itself

ImUninsultable · 28/10/2021 09:17

I'm a single (female) parent to 2 boys.
When my oldest turned 8, I sent him into the men's.
When my youngest was fully able to dry and change all properly himself I sent him with his older brother into the men's. He's just turned 8 now so he would need to by this point but I did it earlier since his brother was with him.

Your son is too old to be going into the women's. If you're very concerned, give him a whistle and make sure she understand when it's to be used.

Youarethecurry · 28/10/2021 09:17

Isn't there a family changing room? I can't see that you're the only one to have this problem if there is single sex changing only. Surely a man taking his young daughters to the pool wouldn't be expected to bring them into the men's changing area? Why would the gym admit children when it's so obvious that this is going to present a problem?

Ozgirl75 · 28/10/2021 09:17

Can’t you just get a big wearable towel and he can get changed by the side of the pool?

At our pool (which is at school) the changing rooms are currently closed so DS just gets changed by the side under a big hooded towel which goes down to the floor. I wouldn’t send mine to a changing room with men either, no way! Equally they’re too old to go to the women’s (and don’t want to go in to the women’s in any event!).

HariboBrenshnio · 28/10/2021 09:18

There is just no way I'd be sending my 8 year old into the men's changing alone. Thankfully our pool has family changing but i'd do anything to avoid it ie, bring him changed in a onesie you can whip off and put back on to get sorted at home. Similarly with public toilets when we are out.

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