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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Where does everyone stand?

432 replies

pumkinbump · 27/10/2021 23:48

Posting here for traffic.

Married 7 years.

1 child age 6yrs.

Her - forever unemployed by choice. Cheated throughout marriage. DNA test needed on baby as didn't know who the father was. Left 8 months ago with be with someone else which was likely going on before the split. On benefits. Child is autistic so gets a mobility car which she has.

Him - full time worker. Paid for deposit on house. Paid every bill and mortgage payment for the duration of the relationship. Has their son 4/5 nights out of 7 as she doesn't want to. Pays her £100 a month despite this, plus extra for shoes, clothes etc.

He is terrified that she's going to claim half of the house in divorce.

Does anyone have any advice where he would stand on this?

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 14:14

@pumkinbump

You have a very warped view of the world. I hope you're okay.
Just listing all your own views throughout this thread OP

Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 14:15

@BoredZelda

I can imagine what would be said if this were about a man though. I've been on mumsnet long enough to know that.

Show me the post where the man has been the SAHD for the child with ASN. I’ve never seen that post.

Maybe not, but there have been many threads about husbands cheating in their marital homes, cheating before and during the marriage, display violence in a physical form. But obviously caring for a child with a disability gives a hard done by woman carte blanched to do all of these things and still have the husband thought of as a shit parent and nasty man.
OP posts:
ImprobablePuffin · 28/10/2021 14:15

@Clocktopus

And how many nights does your ex have the children per week?

I'm not sure what you mean or what you're getting at? Or how it's relevant? Hmm

I was responding to a poster about the expectation of getting a job when disabled children are in FT school.

Thanks for commenting back to me clock. I don't know what OP's comment means either 🤷‍♀️
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 28/10/2021 14:17

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

OP you said in the OP that she cheated on him and he felt he needed a DNA test. You did offer negative info about the wife before anyone said anything.

Getyour, OP said "I'm sure it would be impact any child, but especially a child with autism when he goes to stay with her and her new boyfriend after 8 months after the split" so it looks like the mother maybe took some time to introduce the child to her new boyfriend? But even if not that does not mean there was not the preparation and communication needed to meet the child's needs. Things can't stagnate and the mother does not have to stay in a marriage which is damaging for her (and possibly her partner too) in order to avoid changes.

I never suggested she should, the opposite infact. I hope you're right, it's not how I read the op, it's unclear but I hope you're right.

I've already said I think the only thing to be done is to formalise it.

Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 14:19

@ImprobablePuffin

OP if he doesn't want the car, doesn't want the DLA, is happy to pay the £100 maintenance then why bring any of that into this unless just to make her look bad?

This is purely about the house which will probably be split equally.

You really are just trying to find ways to be mean about the ex to bring in all the irrelevant stuff.

Because if I hadn't mentioned it, I'd have been asked, does she work, does he pay maintenance, is there dla involved? Who gets that etc.
OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 28/10/2021 14:20

@BoredZelda

All I said was it's possible. For me, it's possible. For this man it's clearly possible. You don't know that he can't get time off because you couldn't. And it's very shit that you couldn't and employers should be better.

It is rare. Very rare. Your situation and the one I am in now is not typical. I can only pretty much name my requirements because I am in a fairly senior position with the kind of experience that is hard to come by in my area in my profession and my employer knows that. Things would be different if I were stacking shelves at Tesco, which is the kind of job this woman would be looking at. I assume your job isn’t unskilled MW job either.

It's not MW but I am not high up whatsoever. I just have had understanding managers over the years I suppose. Bar one who I can think of.

Ime it's not rare but perhaps it's just the sector I work in.

I'm not for one second suggesting she should work, btw. I'm just saying the op is not necessarily lying about the dad being able to attend the appts.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 28/10/2021 14:25

Because if I hadn't mentioned it, I'd have been asked, does she work, does he pay maintenance, is there dla involved? Who gets that etc.

I think those are all valid points OP and this was useful info to share

Coyoacan · 28/10/2021 14:33

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

I am all for putting children first, but it is also important that the parent is well in themselves. Being the carer of a severely autistic child could end up becoming all consuming so, to my mind, any scrap of happiness the parent can get is worth a little bit of inconvenience to the child.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 28/10/2021 14:46

[quote Coyoacan]@Getyourarseofffthequattro

I am all for putting children first, but it is also important that the parent is well in themselves. Being the carer of a severely autistic child could end up becoming all consuming so, to my mind, any scrap of happiness the parent can get is worth a little bit of inconvenience to the child.[/quote]
Yes, I'm not sure why you're aiming that at me. I've never suggested otherwise.

Graphista · 28/10/2021 14:55

Tell me you’re the OW without telling me you’re the OW.

Grin

I'm also wondering if "he has the child 4/5 nights a week" means LITERALLY nights and not days/eve seeing as he works full time I can't see HOW he could be having the child 4-5 days and nights a week AND working full time

I used to do some divorce work years ago and would feel all sorry and aggrieved for my client then the particulars from the other side would arrive…

I'll bet! My ex through our divorce came out with soooo much bullshit which I was able to disprove with evidence EVERY time because the stuff he was claiming COULD be disproved (yea he wasn't/isn't the brightest Grin)

Defeatedbylife · 28/10/2021 15:01

Looking after a severly autistic child is Hard work,bloody emotionally, physically mentally Tough as it comes, believe me im living it.id never judge another parent in this situation, she may have cheated but God only knows what shes been through and how caring for her child has changed her.maybe shes wrongly sought out an out of marriage relationship but living circumstances with a disabled chilď make a fraught tense household and many couples do not last the journey as they are so impacted.

Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 15:01

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

OP you said in the OP that she cheated on him and he felt he needed a DNA test. You did offer negative info about the wife before anyone said anything.

Getyour, OP said "I'm sure it would be impact any child, but especially a child with autism when he goes to stay with her and her new boyfriend after 8 months after the split" so it looks like the mother maybe took some time to introduce the child to her new boyfriend? But even if not that does not mean there was not the preparation and communication needed to meet the child's needs. Things can't stagnate and the mother does not have to stay in a marriage which is damaging for her (and possibly her partner too) in order to avoid changes.

Actually I didn't. The man she was having an affair with wanted the DNA test.
OP posts:
Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 28/10/2021 15:05

Apologies OP. You said that a DNA test was needed without any prompting but I misunderstood who requested it.

Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 15:05

@MarleneDietrichsSmile

Unemployed through choice…. whilst looking after a severely SN child HmmConfused yeah right

Are you the new girlfriend of this man?

I think you and your BF will find she has a right to half, if they are/were married

So the guy better get a lawyer

As previously stated numerous times, no, I am not the new girlfriend. Unemployed through choice for the years before the baby, yes. After the baby? No.

He wouldn't be 'allowed' to have a new girlfriend even if he was ready to date. She has spies on the house, she knows when his male friend has popped over and what time he leaves. She turns up unannounced and lets herself in with a key.

OP posts:
Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 15:10

@Graphista

Tell me you’re the OW without telling me you’re the OW. Grin

I'm also wondering if "he has the child 4/5 nights a week" means LITERALLY nights and not days/eve seeing as he works full time I can't see HOW he could be having the child 4-5 days and nights a week AND working full time

I used to do some divorce work years ago and would feel all sorry and aggrieved for my client then the particulars from the other side would arrive…

I'll bet! My ex through our divorce came out with soooo much bullshit which I was able to disprove with evidence EVERY time because the stuff he was claiming COULD be disproved (yea he wasn't/isn't the brightest Grin)

Are you disputing the fact that the child stays at the father's house a minimum of 4 nights a week? The child is dropped off when the father finishes work, not just before it's time to go to bed. He will then give him his tea and bath before bed.
OP posts:
Clocktopus · 28/10/2021 15:16

She turns up unannounced and lets herself in with a key

Presumably because it's still also her house? Courtesy would be to ring ahead but she's not obliged to and she even has a right to live there if she so chooses. There is a legal route to prevent this, he would need to apply to the court for an Occupation Order which would prevent her from letting herself in. It's a fairly simply process and anyone who is a victim of domestic abuse can apply.

www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence

Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 15:18

[quote Clocktopus]She turns up unannounced and lets herself in with a key

Presumably because it's still also her house? Courtesy would be to ring ahead but she's not obliged to and she even has a right to live there if she so chooses. There is a legal route to prevent this, he would need to apply to the court for an Occupation Order which would prevent her from letting herself in. It's a fairly simply process and anyone who is a victim of domestic abuse can apply.

www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence[/quote]
Thanks for this, I will pass this information on.

OP posts:
littleburn · 28/10/2021 15:22

Are they both on the mortgage deeds? If that's the case then usually one of them will have to buy out the other. If they can't afford to do that then the house will need to be sold and the proceeds split. Sometimes you can get an order that the house will not be sold until the children are 18.

Obviously the way you present it has a particular slant, but a lot of women give up work to have children and are then risk being left high and dry financially if the marriage breaks down. The splitting of assets usually takes this into account - you may have put less in financially because you worked in the home, but that doesn't mean you're not entitled to the family home or to a financial share of the home, even if hubby was the one making the mortgage payments.

MoveAhoy · 28/10/2021 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 28/10/2021 15:25

They're married.
Courts don't penalise people based on their morals.

Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 15:33

@MoveAhoy

How do you know she turns up unannounced? I don't understand. Either you are him or you are his partner or you simply are a bystander who believes every word a stranger says...

So you are either lying or being simple.

I can't see anyway I can join in the character assassination of this woman based on 3rd party beliefs! Either you tell us how you know that the person standing at that school gate 70% of the time based on your own words is an irresponsible lout or you have to agree that we have no reason to believe any of the stories you have been fed.

Because he has told me. We are friends as I have said and I also know her as she was part of the friendship group for many years. Mutual friends also know everything. I am not his partner, nor is he a stranger about which I am posting hypothetical scenarios out of boredom.
OP posts:
Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 15:33

I am not sure about the deeds, I assume so though.

OP posts:
Frankii · 28/10/2021 15:38

Why on earth are you posting here OP? It doesn't seem to be any of your business. And random people on mumsnet could say anything.

He needs to do his own grown up work and talk to a solicitor.

knittingaddict · 28/10/2021 15:41

@littleburn

Are they both on the mortgage deeds? If that's the case then usually one of them will have to buy out the other. If they can't afford to do that then the house will need to be sold and the proceeds split. Sometimes you can get an order that the house will not be sold until the children are 18.

Obviously the way you present it has a particular slant, but a lot of women give up work to have children and are then risk being left high and dry financially if the marriage breaks down. The splitting of assets usually takes this into account - you may have put less in financially because you worked in the home, but that doesn't mean you're not entitled to the family home or to a financial share of the home, even if hubby was the one making the mortgage payments.

Just to be clear in case anyone else reads this. It doesn't matter whether married couples are on the deeds/mortgage or not. What they should definitely do asap is to register their home rights to prevent the ex selling the house. It is likely that the property will form part of the financial settlement and that is especially true if it's the family home.

All you need to do is fill in form HR1 and forward it to the land registry. It's a simple form and takes minutes to do.

Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 15:42

Yes he does. I am just trying to hep gather information for him, as friend of many years. I don't think that's a crime.

OP posts: