Page 13 | Where does everyone stand?

pumkinbump · 2021-10-27T22:48:42+00:00

Posting here for traffic. Married 7 years. 1 child age 6yrs. Her - forever unemployed by choice. Cheated throughout marriage. DNA test needed on baby as didn't know who the father was. Left 8 months ago with be with someone else which was likely going on before the split. On benefits. Child is autistic so gets a mobility car which she has. Him - full time worker. Paid for deposit on house. Paid every bill and mortgage payment for the duration of the relationship. Has their son 4/5 nights out of 7 as she doesn't want to. Pays her £100 a month despite this, plus extra for shoes, clothes etc. He is terrified that she's going to claim half of the house in divorce. Does anyone have any advice where he would stand on this? Thanks in advance.

whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 13:56

@pumkinbump
And I'm sure you're not suggesting that the mother never change her own life. And if you k ew anything about caring for this child, I'm sure you'd understand that change can happen f the child is properly prepared for it. I use social stories myself

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 28/10/2021 13:56

Most people aren't attacking. Most are trying to make sense or challenge assumptions the OP is making. Sadly there are a number of bullies on MN but in my experience, that's always been the case.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 28/10/2021 13:56

[quote whatisthisinhere]@pumkinbump
And I'm sure you're not suggesting that the mother never change her own life. And if you k ew anything about caring for this child, I'm sure you'd understand that change can happen f the child is properly prepared for it. I use social stories myself [/quote]
Yes!! It's the properly prepared for bit that's missing!!!

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 28/10/2021 13:57

If this was to get people on board with a character assassination, I'd have posted more about her cheating, bad behaviour and selfishness in the opening thread.

I think you actually have posted quite a lot of this. It's clear that you're angry with her and don't like her. I think some poster (me included) think that is making it hard for you to see both sides of this issue. There is always more than one side and personally I do say that when it is a man who is being caste as the problem too.

whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 13:58

@Getyourarseofffthequattro
Why why why is it relevant?
This is comical

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 28/10/2021 13:58

Yes!! It's the properly prepared for bit that's missing!!!

Did I miss something? How do we know that?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 28/10/2021 13:59

[quote whatisthisinhere]@Getyourarseofffthequattro
Why why why is it relevant?
This is comical [/quote]
I've already explained why it's relevant. Introducing a new person to a child is a massive big deal. It should be done sensitively. It doesn't seem like this was.

The decision was made based on the new relationship NOT on the wellbeing of the child.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 28/10/2021 14:00

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

Yes!! It's the properly prepared for bit that's missing!!!

Did I miss something? How do we know that?

She left to be with someone else... That is not a calm separation and a gradual introduction of someone new, is it?

whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 14:01

What this comes down to is this
Mother should not be allowed to have a new boyfriend, she must never have another dick again in her life
Daddy should not have to parent his child, how dare mother give him this golden opportunity to do so.
It's not fair that mother has benefits and car for her child
For some reason mother had to move out of the family home with her child, usually happens when a woman is escaping abuse awful enough for her to have to uproot her children

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 28/10/2021 14:01

If of course, she somehow did do that, then fine. I would say all this situation needs is to be formalised. So everyone knows where the stand and the child has a reliable routine.

I can only go on what op has said...

BoredZelda · 28/10/2021 14:02

He's happy for her to keep all dla money and car.

He shouldn’t be, it is against the terms and conditions of having the car.

Right, so how can you say how hard it is to get time off?

I can say, because I’ve had employers I had to leave because I couldn’t get time off. And that’s not even in some minimum wage job, which with no work experience is all this woman could get. I run support groups for parents in this exact situation and the most talked about issue is not being able to find work which offers the flexibility needed, or for those who work it is about having to deal with employers and colleagues who make it difficult to take time off.

Both I said. They do it together.

They go to every appointment together?

Do you honestly believe people like this dont exist?

Who knows? They only ever seem to exist in tabloid newspaper stories or on the internet, and almost exclusively are introduced to us by the saintly husbands new girlfriend.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 28/10/2021 14:02

I don't know @Getyourarseofffthequattro It's perfectly possible to leave for someone else and also the helpful communication/ preparation

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 28/10/2021 14:02

@whatisthisinhere

What this comes down to is this Mother should not be allowed to have a new boyfriend, she must never have another dick again in her life Daddy should not have to parent his child, how dare mother give him this golden opportunity to do so. It's not fair that mother has benefits and car for her child For some reason mother had to move out of the family home with her child, usually happens when a woman is escaping abuse awful enough for her to have to uproot her children

Nobody has said any of that!!

The opposite!!!! Can't you read?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 28/10/2021 14:02

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

I don't know *@Getyourarseofffthequattro* It's perfectly possible to leave for someone else and also the helpful communication/ preparation

Well I'm not sure how you prepare a child they're going to live with someone they don't know.... But maybe it's possible?

BoredZelda · 28/10/2021 14:04

If this was to get people on board with a character assassination, I'd have posted more about her cheating, bad behaviour and selfishness in the opening thread.

Don’t worry, you’ve alluded to this enough already for us to know just how bad this awful woman is.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 28/10/2021 14:04

@BoredZelda

He's happy for her to keep all dla money and car.

He shouldn’t be, it is against the terms and conditions of having the car.

Right, so how can you say how hard it is to get time off?

I can say, because I’ve had employers I had to leave because I couldn’t get time off. And that’s not even in some minimum wage job, which with no work experience is all this woman could get. I run support groups for parents in this exact situation and the most talked about issue is not being able to find work which offers the flexibility needed, or for those who work it is about having to deal with employers and colleagues who make it difficult to take time off.

Both I said. They do it together.

They go to every appointment together?

Do you honestly believe people like this dont exist?

Who knows? They only ever seem to exist in tabloid newspaper stories or on the internet, and almost exclusively are introduced to us by the saintly husbands new girlfriend.

All I said was it's possible. For me, it's possible. For this man it's clearly possible. You don't know that he can't get time off because you couldn't. And it's very shit that you couldn't and employers should be better.

Unfortunately I have met women like this. Not through my dp thankfully. They unfortunately do exist. Just like shitty horrible men exist. We don't even assume that to be false.

Original poster

pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 14:05

[quote whatisthisinhere]@pumkinbump
And I'm sure you're not suggesting that the mother never change her own life. And if you k ew anything about caring for this child, I'm sure you'd understand that change can happen f the child is properly prepared for it. I use social stories myself [/quote]
What kind of care do you think she put in place for her child to prepare him for this massive change when she was having an affair with this man behind her husband's back and left suddenly to be with him?

OP posts:

BoredZelda · 28/10/2021 14:06

I can imagine what would be said if this were about a man though. I've been on mumsnet long enough to know that.

Show me the post where the man has been the SAHD for the child with ASN. I’ve never seen that post.

Original poster

pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 14:06

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

If this was to get people on board with a character assassination, I'd have posted more about her cheating, bad behaviour and selfishness in the opening thread.

I think you actually have posted quite a lot of this. It's clear that you're angry with her and don't like her. I think some poster (me included) think that is making it hard for you to see both sides of this issue. There is always more than one side and personally I do say that when it is a man who is being caste as the problem too.

Yeah, I did bring stuff into it when people were saying what a shit father he was being and she was the Saint.

OP posts:

ImprobablePuffin · 28/10/2021 14:08

OP if he doesn't want the car, doesn't want the DLA, is happy to pay the £100 maintenance then why bring any of that into this unless just to make her look bad?

This is purely about the house which will probably be split equally.

You really are just trying to find ways to be mean about the ex to bring in all the irrelevant stuff.

Original poster

pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 14:09

@whatisthisinhere

What this comes down to is this Mother should not be allowed to have a new boyfriend, she must never have another dick again in her life Daddy should not have to parent his child, how dare mother give him this golden opportunity to do so. It's not fair that mother has benefits and car for her child For some reason mother had to move out of the family home with her child, usually happens when a woman is escaping abuse awful enough for her to have to uproot her children

You have a very warped view of the world. I hope you're okay.

OP posts:

BoredZelda · 28/10/2021 14:09

All I said was it's possible. For me, it's possible. For this man it's clearly possible. You don't know that he can't get time off because you couldn't. And it's very shit that you couldn't and employers should be better.

It is rare. Very rare. Your situation and the one I am in now is not typical. I can only pretty much name my requirements because I am in a fairly senior position with the kind of experience that is hard to come by in my area in my profession and my employer knows that. Things would be different if I were stacking shelves at Tesco, which is the kind of job this woman would be looking at. I assume your job isn’t unskilled MW job either.

Morph2lcfc · 28/10/2021 14:09

@pumkinbump

I notice nobody has commented on the fact that she was having and least one of her partners in the house while he was at work. I'd question how much care she was providing whilst she was entertaining.

You don’t get a choice on caring for a child with complex needs. Most parents of autistic child know that things can look calm now but at any point in time we are seconds away from total carnage. Keeping a child calm and regulated is no easy task

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 28/10/2021 14:10

OP you said in the OP that she cheated on him and he felt he needed a DNA test. You did offer negative info about the wife before anyone said anything.

Getyour, OP said "I'm sure it would be impact any child, but especially a child with autism when he goes to stay with her and her new boyfriend after 8 months after the split" so it looks like the mother maybe took some time to introduce the child to her new boyfriend? But even if not that does not mean there was not the preparation and communication needed to meet the child's needs. Things can't stagnate and the mother does not have to stay in a marriage which is damaging for her (and possibly her partner too) in order to avoid changes.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 28/10/2021 14:13

Unemployed through choice…. whilst looking after a severely SN child yeah right

Are you the new girlfriend of this man?

I think you and your BF will find she has a right to half, if they are/were married

So the guy better get a lawyer