To want to be a stay home mum?

[wanttostayathome]

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

@Charlene1971

OP could you see about getting a job where you can work from home, and still be with DD? I know it would be hard, but it could be a good middle ground?

Most WFH jobs will still expect you to have childcare in place.

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@LoverOfAllThingsPurple

It still makes me angry how people expect mums to work and not miss the most important and non replaceable part of our kids lives.

Where to start with this:

a) So its OK to "expect" dads to work (and apparently as with this case to support an entire family single-handed on one salary) but not mums? Why? Who determined that mums are biologically more important than dads?
b) Why does working mean you miss "the most important and non-replaceable part" of your kids lives? Are you aware that working parents also see their kids? You do know that even with FT working parents the kids spent far more time with them than they do with their childminders?
c) Who "expects" mums to work?
d) Why is it so important for a mum to be on hand around the clock for a child but not a dad?
e) Who decided that the pre-school years are the most important part of your kids lives?
f) Your kids are away from you for 6+ hours a day once they go to school. Is that also taking away from the "most important and non-replaceable part" of their lives? Should they also be kept off school?[/quote]
All of this!!

It still makes me angry how people expect mums to work and not miss the most important and non replaceable part of our kids lives.

But you're not angry that people expect dads to work and miss the most important and non replaceable part of their kids lives?

How do you get to a mindset where you're angry that the default expectation of a fit and able adult of working age is that they will work?

It is not the case that this H wants to cut his working hours or was ever remotely interested in being a SAHD though.

Why do people keep going off on tangents?

If that were the case, this would be a very different discussion.

I will repeat -

He will not adapt his working hours
He will not be a SAHD

But also -

He will not financially support her to be at home FOR AN EXTRA YEAR.

So what does that mean for the OP? “Get back to work and quash your anxiety because I’m not changing.”

How is this fair?

Just shows the double standards among some people.

to be fair it's only a few posters who claim that the mother's desires trump everyone else's, and that just because she's had a baby, she dictates the family set up and that the child's father should just suck it up and finance everything until she feels 'ready' to negotiate and take his view into account.

I expect these posters are the same ones who a few years down the line whine that their husband has abdicated responsibility for everything home and child related, that he won't cook dinner or take the kids to brownies. His wants and needs are sidelined until it suits otherwise!

@paloma2

It is not the case that this H wants to cut his working hours or was ever remotely interested in being a SAHD though.

Why do people keep going off on tangents?

If that were the case, this would be a very different discussion.

I will repeat -

He will not adapt his working hours
He will not be a SAHD

But also -

He will not financially support her to be at home FOR AN EXTRA YEAR.

So what does that mean for the OP? “Get back to work and quash your anxiety because I’m not changing.”

How is this fair?

It's not "fair" insofar as one person doesn't get what they want.

But if the person on whom the financial burden falls does not want to do it, than that person's view holds more weight.

You presumably wouldn't say that a man who didn't want an additional child should be forced into having one because his wife wanted one (I hope!). The person saying 'no' has more say than the person saying 'yes'. Is it fair to the person disappointed? No. But is it fairer overall? Yes.

To put it bluntly, unless the finances are super tight, this type of man wants to have his cake and eat it.

This is how his mind works -

Oh she’s had the baby. I’ll just take a week off work then, shall I.

I can’t take too long off you understand. I’m the sole provider now, you see.

Can’t be doing with this sleepless nights malarkey. Luckily she can do all that as she’s on maternity.

Let me just check she’s still paying her way and they’re still paying her. Oh good.

Ok, her pay will run out soon. She’d better get back to work. I’m not funding her. Why should I? Having her at home now is no use to me now the kid is old enough to go in the nursery.

Sorry you’re stressed, darling. You’ll get over it. You’ll have to.

He will not financially support her to be at home FOR AN EXTRA YEAR.

Why should he though? Seriously?

And it's more than a year. She wants to stay off work until their child start school.

@paloma2

To put it bluntly, unless the finances are super tight, this type of man wants to have his cake and eat it.

This is how his mind works -

Oh she’s had the baby. I’ll just take a week off work then, shall I.

I can’t take too long off you understand. I’m the sole provider now, you see.

Can’t be doing with this sleepless nights malarkey. Luckily she can do all that as she’s on maternity.

Let me just check she’s still paying her way and they’re still paying her. Oh good.

Ok, her pay will run out soon. She’d better get back to work. I’m not funding her. Why should I? Having her at home now is no use to me now the kid is old enough to go in the nursery.

Sorry you’re stressed, darling. You’ll get over it. You’ll have to.

You're back to fabricating a whole story to support your viewpoint. You've created a whole narrative that just doesn't exist - unless you know this man you can't say he's thinking these thing. You're coming across as very strange!!

@paloma2 ok to get back to the OP: her DH is quite happy for her to take full ML. He's not questioning that. She's also said she's looking now to reduce to PT hours - so clearly he's not against that either. He just doesn't want her to stop earning completely. And who says it's 'just for another year'? she loses her right to go back to her old job (or one on equivalent salary) once she gives in her notice. Who says she'll be able to get a decent job after another year out of the workplace? And what if they want another child some time within the next 2 or 3 years? She'd have no maternity entitlement and presumably the 'extra year' would extend into quite a number of years. Which then has the whole knock on for pension, work progression, long term security. It's Very easy to think 'oh it's just another year off' but the reality is, that has long term consequences. I can completely understand why a husband who has been on an equal footing with his wife, both working, especially if (as in many cases now) they both have similar status and earning in the workplace, is anxious and unhappy about the idea of her giving all of that up. There will still be consequences financially and pension-wise to the wife going part time, of course, no way round that. But at least it's a) showing an understanding of real partnership, that you compromise rather than ignore your partners feelings and b) it's keeping that all important foot in the workplace.

Having lived through the last 20 months, how anyone can minimise the importance of working and providing for a family is quite staggering

@paloma2

To put it bluntly, unless the finances are super tight, this type of man wants to have his cake and eat it.

This is how his mind works -

Oh she’s had the baby. I’ll just take a week off work then, shall I.

I can’t take too long off you understand. I’m the sole provider now, you see.

Can’t be doing with this sleepless nights malarkey. Luckily she can do all that as she’s on maternity.

Let me just check she’s still paying her way and they’re still paying her. Oh good.

Ok, her pay will run out soon. She’d better get back to work. I’m not funding her. Why should I? Having her at home now is no use to me now the kid is old enough to go in the nursery.

Sorry you’re stressed, darling. You’ll get over it. You’ll have to.

@paloma2 this is pure conjecture on your part.

You just have no idea about the DH and his agenda or how he treats his OP. Or of this family's financial position. The majority of families in this country depend on both parents working. Its not such an outlandish suggestion that this family might need two incomes. I don't know why you've unilaterally decided he must be an abusive bastard because there's nothing in the OP to suggest this.

How is this fair?

Because the default is that adults work, and there is, or should be, no assumption or automatic right that someone else will take that responsibility over for them.

Having a SAHP is a lifestyle choice and a joint one. That means that nobody gets forced into either role if it's not what they want. Yes, it can mean one person doesn't get what they want, but that's the nature of joint decisions. Everyone involved has to be on board. Why is it fair only as long as it works to your wishes?

Are you not teaching your kids that you can't always get what you want? Especially when it requires other people's consent?

I don't know why you've unilaterally decided he must be an abusive bastard because there's nothing in the OP to suggest this.

The OP actually describes him as a wonderful guy. There is literally zero evidence that he's the character paloma has invented.

He will not financially support her to be at home FOR AN EXTRA YEAR.

Why should he though? Seriously?

Well why the hell would he not want to, if at all possible?

Most men have an instinct to provide for their families in these early years. Just as women have certain instincts after a baby. Men generally don’t see it as some kind of optional extra.

I mean fair enough if she’s telling him she’ll never work again. Or fair enough if it would mean they couldn’t afford their home or other dire finances. But otherwise, what kind of man would force his wife and child apart before they’re ready? I certainly wouldn’t. My husband would have worked through the night if it meant his baby was with me.

The OP actually describes him as a wonderful guy.

Oh fgs.

Most men have an instinct to provide for their families in these early years. Just as women have certain instincts after a baby. Men generally don’t see it as some kind of optional extra.

Do you have evidence to support this or is this just your opinion?

@paloma2

The OP actually describes him as a wonderful guy.

Oh fgs.

So you think she's lying?

Well why the hell would he not want to, if at all possible?

Why the hell would OP not want to work, if at all possible?

See how crap that argument is?

Most men have an instinct to provide for their families in these early years. Just as women have certain instincts after a baby. Men generally don’t see it as some kind of optional extra.

No man, or woman, is obliged to live by your own personal sexist standards.

No, not lying. Did you not read the poor woman’s posts. This is insane.

@paloma2

No, not lying. Did you not read the poor woman’s posts. This is insane.

I've read her posts. I'm not sure you have!!

Weird too, this assumption that the OP has a little unimportant job and can just take a year out with no consequence.

I (and in fact most couples I know) have fairly 'equal' work. Many couple meet at university or in the workplace. We're not in the dark ages where men had all the BIG important jobs, doctor, project manager, lawyer, and women were taking dictation or in the typing pool! The OP may well earn the same or similar to her DH. She may be as well qualified and as capable in the workplace. That may be mind blowing to some posters, but honestly, it's true, women can do really well at work too! I completely get why the OPs DH doesn't want her to just give all that up. Absolutely.

Nobody is obliged to do anything I want them to do. Nevertheless, most people do experience certain instincts after a baby. Ridiculous to pretend otherwise. If you never particularly experienced this yourself, fair enough, but that does not mean it doesn’t exist and everyone just goes through life like robots.

@paloma2

No, not lying. Did you not read the poor woman’s posts. This is insane.

You made up their financial situation, his character failings, the state of their relationship, their way of splitting finances and God knows what else, you ignored everything OP said that didn't fit your fictions, and then you come out with this?

@paloma2

Nobody is obliged to do anything I want them to do. Nevertheless, most people do experience certain instincts after a baby. Ridiculous to pretend otherwise. If you never particularly experienced this yourself, fair enough, but that does not mean it doesn’t exist and everyone just goes through life like robots.

People are not robots just because they don't agree with you or feel the way you do about things.

Your instincts do not give you a unilateral and deciding vote in how your family and your husband must live. You wanting something is not enough to run roughshod over what other people consent to in order to give it to you.

'My husband would have worked through the night if it meant his baby was with me.'

@paloma2 this is really a pointless discussion for you then isn't it? Because the bottom line is, you believe a mother had a god given right to be with her child until she feels 'ready' not to be. You hold you DH up as the gold standard of (male) parenting because he'd be willing to sacrifice his time with his child so that you can have as much time as you want.

Well, if that works for the two of you, great! But many of us value our dh's contribution to parenting as much more than just bringing in the bucks. I wanted our children to have a father who didn't have to work all hours and miss out on time with them just so I could have all the time with them. There's something quite weirdly possessive and controlling about that imo. It's definitely about meeting the mother's wants rather than putting the child at the centre