To want to be a stay home mum?

[wanttostayathome]

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

And yes, you're all completely right that I shouldn't just expect DH to be on board with funding another year off for me.

This comment made me feel terribly sad. It's a year looking after your (plural) child, not painting your nails and eating violet creams. Of course there needs to be agreement between you both but that means understanding on both sides, not that he decides what happens and you comply. I'm also gobsmacked at the characterisation by some on here of one partner supporting another to care for their (joint) child as paying an allowance- urgh.

@paloma2

Nobody is obliged to do anything I want them to do. Nevertheless, most people do experience certain instincts after a baby. Ridiculous to pretend otherwise. If you never particularly experienced this yourself, fair enough, but that does not mean it doesn’t exist and everyone just goes through life like robots.

So you have no evidence that men have an instinct to provide financially for their children once they're born? I understand the impact of hormones on women once they've given birth and the implications of that but to suggest that biology tells us that men should go out and provide financially and women should stay at home to look after the child is, quite frankly, ridiculous.

“I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family”

What type of relationship is this where she doesn’t even feel able to approach this conversation with him! Hmmmm . Alarm bells right there.

Look how conditioned she is - “my POV isn’t the done thing.”

It’s either the H or MN that has done that to her. Christ on a bike!

“I SHOULD want to juggle..., “ This is what saddens me. Women who are conditioned to believe they “should” want a certain lifestyle, even when it goes against their instincts.

Very sad.

Most men have an instinct to provide for their families in these early years. Just as women have certain instincts after a baby. Men generally don’t see it as some kind of optional extra.

Do you have data to back up these assertions? Or are you just regurgitating traditional male and female templates?

Have you actually looked at the demographics of raising families in the UK nowadays? Particularly in big cities? You say men don't usually consider it an "optional extra" to support their entire families: many men physically cannot support their entire families.

“When I've tried to bring it up he always says that it'll feel different when I start back. The thought of it is filling me with anxiety though!”

Manipulative bastard.

Dh and I both had an instinct to nurture and raise our children - that's why we had them. Can't recall dh having a specific instinct to go and work all night so that I wouldn't have to...

My husband would have worked through the night if it meant his baby was with me.

Yeah, I probably would too. Because if I didn't, you'd be telling me I was a failure as a man and you wouldn't give a toss about how I felt about it because you think the decision should be yours alone.

Night shifts and no sleep sound less draining.

Is anyone on here an actual man? Unless you are, don’t spout about make instincts. Talk to a few men. I could put my husband on. He could tell you how he felt. I could put my brothers on and they’d tell you the same. Sorry if that doesn’t fit in with the textbook of PC, but it’s a real thing which has been experienced for millennia. We are human beings ffs!

@paloma2

“When I've tried to bring it up he always says that it'll feel different when I start back. The thought of it is filling me with anxiety though!”

Manipulative bastard.

Manipulative...

I've read a lot around this subject and I've never come across anything that suggests men have biological instinct to go out and work once they've fathered a child.......

@paloma2

“When I've tried to bring it up he always says that it'll feel different when I start back. The thought of it is filling me with anxiety though!”

Manipulative bastard.

Are you seriously saying that any man who expects his wife to pursue any economic activity whatsoever is a manipulative bastard?

Do you have sons? Are you bringing them up to believe they should support any woman they partner with to have as many children as she likes for as long as she likes?

What if they want to become the SAHP? What if they marry a woman who is a CEO? Or a leading academic? Or a film star? Would you discourage them from meeting a woman who wanted to work? What about your daughters? Do you teach them that their only goal in life is to marry a man who is wealthy enough to support them?

The mind boggles...

paloma2: "Is anyone on here an actual man? Unless you are, don’t spout about make instincts."

Also paloma2: "Most men have an instinct to provide for their families in these early years."

She's having us on, isn't she? This can't be real.

@paloma2

Is anyone on here an actual man? Unless you are, don’t spout about make instincts. Talk to a few men. I could put my husband on. He could tell you how he felt. I could put my brothers on and they’d tell you the same. Sorry if that doesn’t fit in with the textbook of PC, but it’s a real thing which has been experienced for millennia. We are human beings ffs!

Not a man but I'm a university academic who is VERY familiar with the research around this subject.

‘I've read a lot around this subject and I've never come across anything that suggests men have biological instinct to go out and work once they've fathered a child.......’

Well stop reading and go out in the real world.

@SpinsForGin

I've read a lot around this subject and I've never come across anything that suggests men have biological instinct to go out and work once they've fathered a child.......

An awful lot of them seem keen to fuck off, actually. We get threads on that all the time.

@paloma2

‘I've read a lot around this subject and I've never come across anything that suggests men have biological instinct to go out and work once they've fathered a child.......’

Well stop reading and go out in the real world.

What, the real world where bills need paying and grown ups work as the default?

@paloma2

‘I've read a lot around this subject and I've never come across anything that suggests men have biological instinct to go out and work once they've fathered a child.......’

Well stop reading and go out in the real world.

It's my job to understand, research and teach this topic. That's how I support my family.

My feet are firmly in the real world. I'm not sure the same could be said for you!

Why am I not surprised that paloma thinks women shouldn't read?

@DrSbaitso

An awful lot of them seem keen to fuck off, actually.

Quite.

@paloma2

Does your detailed knowledge of the male psyche cover this phenomenon or is this entirely a new thought to you?

Isn't OP better having some sort of insurance policy against this eventuality than just bullying, whinging and cajoling her husband into supporting her indefinitely?

@DrSbaitso

Why am I not surprised that paloma thinks women shouldn't read?

Well, we don't want women challenging those outdated ideas do we?🤷🏼‍♀️

If you have experienced something for yourself, it doesn’t matter what the text books say. You just get on with it. You only get one life. No point pontificating about ‘research’ when it comes to personal matters. When you meet a man, do you focus on that and be honest about how you actually feel, or do you both sit there ‘researching’ the literature about how you ‘should’ feel?

Oh no, I never read. Only have two postgrad degrees..

@paloma2

If you have experienced something for yourself, it doesn’t matter what the text books say. You just get on with it. You only get one life. No point pontificating about ‘research’ when it comes to personal matters. When you meet a man, do you focus on that and be honest about how you actually feel, or do you both sit there ‘researching’ the literature about how you ‘should’ feel?

Well I don't assume he's obliged to be my personal AGM, no matter how stressed or worried it makes him, just because I reeeeeeeeeaalllly want it.

Can you explain this:

paloma2: "Is anyone on here an actual man? Unless you are, don’t spout about male instincts."

Also paloma2: "Most men have an instinct to provide for their families in these early years."

@paloma2

Oh no, I never read. Only have two postgrad degrees..

Well stop reading and go out in the real world.

The starting point that men need to work outside the home and away from their children for as many hours as is possible to ensure that women can spend as much time as possible with their children is, I'm afraid, another classic line from the GUS playbook.

Nobody is denying that women and men experience parenting differently. But there appears to be a rigid expectation that a man must subjugate his needs to the needs of the woman (because she and the baby are interchangeable), or he's abusive and/or failing as a man. I truly hope you're not all raising your sons to believe this.