To want to be a stay home mum?

[wanttostayathome]

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

AGM? That should be ATM.

Lol. He couldn't actually be an AGM anyway, since I apparently have the only vote that counts.

Like I said before, it basically boils down to whether in your own lived experience, men and women are so poles apart that they want completely different roles in life. Or whether you believe that despite the obvious biological differences, there is more that unites rather than divides them.

My dh is great at his job. He was also great at changing nappies, playing games, dropping the kids off, having conversations with them.

Ditto for me.

I'm glad we've raised our daughter and sons to know this first hand. It avoids them growing up thinking there's something wrong with a man who doesn't see his mission in life as to single-handedly fund the family.

@paloma2

If you have experienced something for yourself, it doesn’t matter what the text books say. You just get on with it. You only get one life. No point pontificating about ‘research’ when it comes to personal matters. When you meet a man, do you focus on that and be honest about how you actually feel, or do you both sit there ‘researching’ the literature about how you ‘should’ feel?

I don't think you understand the purpose of research.

You made some very sweeping generalisations about men and how once they become a father then have an instinct to provide financially. I pointed out that there is no evidence of this.
That doesn't mean you can't discuss your views and values with a partner and decide that you want to raise your family in a particular way.

I am in the real world Thankyou very much.

Except for the time I’m wasting on MN which is a very dogmatic version of the real world.

@paloma2

Oh no, I never read. Only have two postgrad degrees..

Yet you think we should all ignore research......bizarre

As much fun as this is I will have to bow out for now..... ironically I'm off to deliver a lecture on women's career development. It shouldn't take me long if some of the views on this thread are anything to go by!

@paloma2

I am in the real world Thankyou very much.

Except for the time I’m wasting on MN which is a very dogmatic version of the real world.

Can you explain why you told us not to make comments about male instincts right after you made comments about male instincts?

@SpinsForGin

As much fun as this is I will have to bow out for now..... ironically I'm off to deliver a lecture on women's career development. It shouldn't take me long if some of the views on this thread are anything to go by!

Godspeed!

Don't read!

My husband wouldn’t have had kids if he didn’t feel he was ready to provide for them financially. You never know if your child will be born with additional needs and it’s not always possible rungs e two parents working, even if they want to. Anything can happen. And yes, call him old fashioned, but he believes children need their mums in the early years. That doesn’t mean he thinks they don’t also have an important relationship with him. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. But he has massive respect for mums and what they do. In his background, they make a big hoo haa of mothers. It’s GUS for sure, But so what? No harm in it. Better than, “Get back to work luv, your maternity has run out.”

Can you explain why you told us not to make comments about male instincts right after you made comments about male instincts?

I am talking about real life people. Not abstract research. Far be it from me to knock research. But this is adjacent to real life. But you don’t live in a thesis. You live with actual live humans.

@paloma2

Can you explain why you told us not to make comments about male instincts right after you made comments about male instincts?

I am talking about real life people. Not abstract research. Far be it from me to knock research. But this is adjacent to real life. But you don’t live in a thesis. You live with actual live humans.

This isn't answering the question.

My husband wouldn’t have had kids if he didn’t feel he was ready to provide for them financially.

But you would.

In my experience. the cultures that have "massive respect for mums" are a bit less keen on those mums who might want to work, or vote, or drive. But staying home and caring for children? Big thumbs up, they love that.

@SpinsForGin Where to start with you. Are you aware that I have worked full time since my children were very young? No you’re not. You know nothing about the mum who wrote the comment. Which also makes all of your guesses and assumptions from it irrelevant and incorrect too. Are you aware at all of the experience of working full time and having children at home, what’s the point of having children in the first place? If the parents aren’t going to see them? It’s between the parents who works and who stays at home with the kids. People don’t have children just to leave them in nursery to go off to work and by the time they go to school they are four years and above. So working full time is a lot easier by that point. How did you get any idea from my comment that that mums are more important than dads? And the earlier years are important as they are the time where kids develop their attachments and relationships. You do know it is a societal expectation that mums work as well as having children. Do your research, You do know that your comment full of assumptions and accusations is just overall ridiculous.

@DrSbaitso as previously stated, it’s up to the parents who goes to work and who stays at home. However, it is usually the mother due to the bonds that are developed when the child is born. However, I don’t speak for every family with children. Please don’t assume incorrect information from my comment.

@Hont1986

In my experience. the cultures that have "massive respect for mums" are a bit less keen on those mums who might want to work, or vote, or drive. But staying home and caring for children? Big thumbs up, they love that.

With bells on.

Out of sight, out of mind.

@Hont1986 don't they just...

Nobody is qualified to talk about instincts apart from the people who experience them.

Are you a man Dr S? If so, state your experiences by all means.

I am repeating what I have heard from my own husband and male relatives and other men in real life.

If there is a global study to suggest my husband is some great rarity of humanity, then I’m all ears. But as this does not seem to be forthcoming via MN, I will go on my direct experience of 46 years living on the planet.

My husband wouldn’t have had kids if he didn’t feel he was ready to provide for them financially.

But you would.

I know. I should have just cut him out completely and gone to a sperm bank. Who needs men anyway?

what’s the point of having children in the first place?

Ah, I've been waiting for this hoary old chestnut.

Congratulations, you win the wooden spoon for intolerance, bigotry and complete failure to support women.

@paloma2 clearly your set up works for you and your dh. Super.

But many couples nowadays want to raise their children in a way which doesn't pigeonhole each parent into a gendered role. They don't want their sons and daughters to soak up the belief that a woman's place is at home and that it's the man's duty to finance that. They want to raise children who see that there isn't one set 'correct' way of parenting and that many different set ups can lead to the ultimate goal of raising well adjusted human beings

@paloma2

Nobody is qualified to talk about instincts apart from the people who experience them.

Are you a man Dr S? If so, state your experiences by all means.

I am repeating what I have heard from my own husband and male relatives and other men in real life.

If there is a global study to suggest my husband is some great rarity of humanity, then I’m all ears. But as this does not seem to be forthcoming via MN, I will go on my direct experience of 46 years living on the planet.

Are you a man, Paloma? Apparently not.

why does your straw poll including your husband and a small scattering of like-minded relatives give you a comprehensive overview of how 50% of the population sees these matters?

I've met tons of men over the years with tons of different perspectives on this matter. Some (like yours) also don't want their womenfolk to work because it threatens their sense of masculinity. Some are workaholics who just get a buzz out of being successful and don't care too much about the money. Some are desperate for their womenfolk to earn as much money as possible so they can freeload and get drunk. Some genuinely want to share the load and want an equitable distribution of roles and responsibilities. Some want to work their balls off, some want to be part time. Some want to be flaky artists and sit around all day, some want to stay with their kids all day. There are as many different approaches to "being a man" as there are men.

Knowing some people with penises (who apparently all have fairly antidiluvian approaches to what having a penis means) doesn't give you a deep insight into the male condition.

I’m always going to think of BettyCarver now when I see that Duracell bunny!! It just keeps going on and on and on……

Nobody is qualified to talk about instincts apart from the people who experience them.

So why did you tell us what most men's instincts are?

@paloma2

My husband wouldn’t have had kids if he didn’t feel he was ready to provide for them financially.

But you would.

I know. I should have just cut him out completely and gone to a sperm bank. Who needs men anyway?

Only women who feel entitled to dictate how they should live and speak for their instincts, I guess.

But many couples nowadays want to raise their children in a way which doesn't pigeonhole each parent into a gendered role. They don't want their sons and daughters to soak up the belief that a woman's place is at home and that it's the man's duty to finance that. They want to raise children who see that there isn't one set 'correct' way of parenting and that many different set ups can lead to the ultimate goal of raising well adjusted human beings”

Well yes fine, Betty Carver, but I reckon most children don’t give a hoot. Children just want happy parents. That’s by far and away the main thing. Also what else do they have to compare to? Nothing. No child grows up and says, “Oh if only my mum had done x and my dad had done y job / hours.” You are their mum and dad - the only ones they have. Imo, whatever you do, as long as you’re doing your best and working well together as a couple, the child will know this. If one parent is miserable or resentful of the other, that’s when negative models may be internalised.

Also, SAHMs are hardly Old Mother Hubbard, pottering about in the pantry, fgs. SAHMs are not even ‘at home’ half the time. They’re out doing allsorts of amazing things.