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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's weird to share a bed with your 14 year old daughter?

253 replies

shedofdread · 27/10/2021 11:36

I had a friend.

She was a single mum. Her daughter was bullied at school, so she took her out for homeschooling.

In conversation with her one day she mentioned that her and her daughter routinely shared a bed.

I'm sure it was nothing sexual and the girl is well cared for but AIBU to be a bit freaked out by it anyway?

OP posts:
PassTheDutchyUpYrLeftBackside · 27/10/2021 11:52

My DD would often sleep in my bed if DH was away.

I would sleep in with my oldest son up to aged 15 on the very rare occasions he was freaked out about something (he does have a double bed). I'd probably go back to my own bed once he was asleep.

Honestly, if I could have had a ten foot wide wide with all of us and the dogs in it, I would have !!!

Original poster
shedofdread · 27/10/2021 11:54

@TheUndoingProject

As an occasional thing I think it’s absolutely fine. In situations where it’s become routine, in my view it’s often the parent who wants comfort as much as the child and I don’t thank that’s very healthy/fair.
That's the reason it freaked me out!

I think it was for her mum's comfort as much as hers.

I think this girl is really going to struggle when she wants to do something else with her life.

OP posts:
danni0509 · 27/10/2021 11:54

@Fadingout

My dd is autistic. She’s nearly 12 and sleeps in with me now due to severe anxiety. It’s a king size bed and she uses the time with me to talk about how she feels and she sleeps well. I don’t see an issue with it.
There is no issue with it Flowers just the op not having any understanding of children with mental health conditions.
SapereAude · 27/10/2021 11:56

The only thing that's odd is you attaching a sexual meaning to it.

FourTeaFallOut · 27/10/2021 11:56

I think it was for her mum's comfort as much as hers.

Based on what? Also, back to your previous post, why do you think the fact that they live in the countryside to be relevant?

nordica · 27/10/2021 11:56

Depends which of them wants it. My mum made me share her bed for most of my childhood (even when my dad was around - he slept in another room) and still wants to do it if I visit now as an adult. It's definitely much more about her wanting comfort and I don't like sharing her bed.

Original poster
shedofdread · 27/10/2021 11:56

@CremeEggThief

YABU. It's none of your business.
You are entirely correct.

I chose to cut this woman out of my life.

I was just trying to get my head around why I felt it was so weird.

OP posts:
BiBabbles · 27/10/2021 12:00

It's unusual, but I wouldn't call it weird.

My mother did this when she had a big bed or one of those massive U-couches for many weeks at a time. I'd always assumed it was more an ease issue - it's easier with the more extreme temperatures to just set up one big space which may be why it was seen as normal - but for some like possibly my younger sister, it was a big comfort.

My teenagers haven't done this yet, but they all share rooms and I know my daughters (14 & 12) sometimes have nights where they want to sleep in the same bed together or make what I call a nest on the floor to sleep. I think some just prefer sleeping in close proximity to others.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 27/10/2021 12:05

This was posted the other day.
It wasn't weird then, it's not weird now.
What is weird is you thinking you have the right to comment on other people's sleeping arrangements.
Maybe get some therapy. Perhaps you have deep memories that warn you off normal parent-child relationships.

TuftyMarmoset · 27/10/2021 12:06

I actually agree it’s a bit odd to do it routinely and with the context of homeschooling I’d be a bit concerned about codependency (? Not sure if that is the right term)

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 27/10/2021 12:06

When dad went on night shifts I always slept with mum ,that continued until I was in my late teens and she's not even that nice. If it was just the two of us, it'll probably have been a lot more often.

When she comes over we share a bed for weeks on end. When I go over there it's the same.

Funnily enough I still managed to be independent, go away to uni and then move countries at 23. Hmm

Keyboardkaterina · 27/10/2021 12:08

You sound seriously creepy.

You’re sure there was ‘nothing sexual’ in it?

Wtaf. Imagine having a mind that worked that way.

RuthW · 27/10/2021 12:09

My dd and I shared a big bed until she went to uni. Her choice.

BurntO · 27/10/2021 12:12

I always got into bed with my mum at that age. I was really struggling with school and friendships and I used to talk it all through with her (don’t know how she had the patience to be honest as it was always the same thing!) I’d never sleep there but can see it would be easy too. Teenagers need their mums too.

MerryMarigold · 27/10/2021 12:13

I very frequently sleep with my 13yo daughter. She loves sharing a bed with someone! Last night I shared with my 15yo son (sleeping at parents place, DD was sharing with her cousin). There was nothing weird. I don't think even our legs touched. When he did a GCSE a year early he slept in my bed the night before as he couldn't sleep and came to me at 1am. He slept pretty quickly once in my bed. I think it's a comfort and security thing even when they are 15!

mountbattenbergcake · 27/10/2021 12:15

I'm torn. I shared a room with my mum and my brothers shared with my dad for years as we didn't have enough bedrooms. I really wanted my own room but I also got VERY used to having mum there (I had bad nightmares).

However, if this is driven by the dd then I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong with it. Where it starts to get tricky is if DD is scared to sleep alone like me, in which case it would be better to help her to sleep alone, ime.

Thefaceofboe · 27/10/2021 12:20

I often hop into bed with my mum for a cuddle and I’m 28... nothing sexual either Confused weird post

gogohm · 27/10/2021 12:29

My dd started sleeping in my bed after her dad left, she was 20 (has autism) generally I would expect it to be a short term thing though, was in our case

girlmom21 · 27/10/2021 12:29

I think it'd be quite comforting to bed-share if you're out in the country. It makes me feel safer to have someone in bed with me.

hapagirl · 27/10/2021 12:30

How sad you feel the need to comment / think about this in this way. My 15 year old DD suffers huge anxiety and had to change schools last year because of bullying. If I can ease her anxiety by sleeping with her at night (when she asks) I do. Any parent would??

Oftenithinkaboutit · 27/10/2021 12:31

How long ago did she mention this to you?

Summerfun54321 · 27/10/2021 12:34

What do you think us humans used to do before we had central heating?

penguinwithasuitcase · 27/10/2021 12:34

All those of you being biting and horrible to OP for having mentioned – in passing – that she didn't feel it was sexual can wind it in.

For plenty of people (me included) who have been sexually assaulted or abused, that is ABSOLUTELY our first thought in situations like this, and not because there's anything more 'wrong with' us than we've been through something completely heinous. We're not bad people or dirty-minded, we've been hurt.

That may not be the case for OP –I can't and won't speak for her – but all of your sneering and cruelty will make anyone reading this whose mind has been forced into thinking that way feel pretty crap.

Wise up next time.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 27/10/2021 12:34
  • You are entirely correct.

I chose to cut this woman out of my life.

I was just trying to get my head around why I felt it was so weird.*

So she's not your friend anymore. Are you looking for extra ammo to confirm that decision?

Ski4130 · 27/10/2021 12:34

‘I'm sure it was nothing sexual and the girl is well cared for but AIBU to be a bit freaked out by it anyway?‘

  1. It’s nothing sexual (weird your mind would even go there in my opinion!)
  1. The girl is well cared for.
  1. The fact you’re freaked out says way more about you than it does about them.

Here endeth your involvement.

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