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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

With how my SIL reacts to this situation?

241 replies

Ihateeveryone56 · 27/10/2021 09:31

My brother, SIL and niece are all visiting my house for a few days. They go home tomorrow and I can not wait just because of how they pander and react to this situation!

I have a dog who is a rescue. She is 2 and half but trained. It’s taken a lot of hard work on my part and my dogs part to be trained and get to the point we are at. We still go to weekly classes and have constant training sessions. My niece is 5 coming up to 6 and she reacts to my dog very badly. My dog is a medium sized breed that comes up to roughly knee height. Every single time my niece comes into a room my dog is in/comes down the stairs/just sits in a room and my dog walks in she screams at the top of her lungs. I mean a really high pitched cut through your soul kind of scream. This in turn scares the crap out of my dog which makes her run away and in turn makes my niece scream louder (which I didn’t know was possible)!

I tell my niece to stop screaming because it’s not nice and there’s no reason too. She then demands to be picked up by her mom (SIL) and she does it straight away. Instead of sitting there and saying you’re being silly, she’s fine, there’s nothing wrong she panders to her picks her up and thus re- starts the cycle of screaming/picking up and not accepting my dog. This is my dog, my dogs home and not theirs. I’ve put up a stair gate for the last 2 days so I can stop my dog coming into the lounge but I feel like I shouldn’t have to do that? My niece will then stand the other side of the gate calling her a bad girl and a naughty dog when all she’s doing is lying there. I do tell her off for saying this but doesn’t seem to change a thing.

For context they own a terrier type dog who is a lot smaller than mine however that dog has actually bitten my niece on her cheek in the past but they still have the dog. My dog has never once bitten and is certainly not aggressive.

AIBU to be annoyed at the pandering to the behaviour she is showing? I have explained to my SIL and my brother if she stops screaming everytime the dog comes in then we have no issues but they still don’t correct her.

OP posts:
SirGawain · 27/10/2021 15:09

You do knwo that your dog cannot speak english don't you?
Of course it doesn't but animals are very quick to pick up on tone of voice and the mood of those around them.

WhitePhantom · 27/10/2021 15:14

Of course dogs understand basic English - my dog certainly understands words like good dog, walk, sit, stay, get the ball, wait, and various others.

When she was younger if she'd been naughty we'd say bad dog and she understood that too.

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/10/2021 15:36

@Poptart4

I'm terrified of dogs. I don't care how many owners insist that their dog is nice and nothing to be afraid of. They still scare me. I don't know why I'm this way. But I'm an adult so I can just avoid situations where I have to be around dogs.

Your niece is 5 so she can't help the way she reacts to her fear of your dog. Telling someone who is afraid that they are being silly really doesn't help Halloween Hmm

You and your brother should have sat her down on day 1 and brought the dog over to her, dad with dd and you holding the dog. Introduce her to him in a way that felt safe and let her rub him and see that he's a nice dog. Maybe let her tell him to sit and then give him a treat when he does it.... this is how my brother got my child used to his dog.

You can't criticise a mother for picking up a distressed and screaming child. That's a natural reaction.

Side note, its interesting how your focusing your annoyance on your SIL and not YOUR brother who is also the child's parent.

But the kid is hanging over the gate taunting the dog.. so clearly NOT terrified of the dog at all!

OP - I would kick em out, but positive reinforcement works on kids too - tell the kid each time she sees the dog and stays quiet, she gets a sweetie (or whatever else she likes best).

If parents don't want child filled up with sweeties, they can deal with it themselves or go home!

godmum56 · 27/10/2021 15:51

[quote TheGirlCat]**@godmum56* Subbaxeo* is right and you are wrong. You do not reward bad behaviour.[/quote]
you are assuming that the dog knows that it its behaving badly and is in a position to choose otherwise

Subbaxeo · 27/10/2021 16:24

@godmum56 dogs aren’t human! But they can associate things and if they associate being removed from its pack when it does a certain thing, it learns to stop. Look how many dogs sit for treats-they’re not being ‘good’, they’ve learnt it gets them food.

Theunamedcat · 27/10/2021 18:12

Why is everyone saying the niece needs to be introduced slowly to.tje dog its been there a year she has stayed multiple times she KNOWS the dog

PetriDisher · 27/10/2021 21:13

ChargingBuck Fair enough. I really meant none was particularly in the wrong in the immediate situation they're all in.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 27/10/2021 21:40

The poor girl is terrified of dogs because she has been previously bitten by a dog.

Your priority is the dog? Hmm

Nanny0gg · 27/10/2021 22:01

@ScaredOfDinosaurs

The poor girl is terrified of dogs because she has been previously bitten by a dog.

Your priority is the dog? Hmm

Yet the dog that did the biting is still in the family home.

And I bet she doesn't scream and tell that one off for no reason.

ddl1 · 27/10/2021 22:19

And I bet she doesn't scream and tell that one off for no reason.

Maybe she does! And in the case of that dog, there's a reason!

I wouldn't be surprised if that dog has since bitten her again, or tried to, or at least frightened her, and this is what is making her act in this way. Of course it is not fair for her to 'take it out' on your well-behaved dog; but frightened children are rarely able to be completely fair.

Youdoyoutoday · 27/10/2021 22:23

Just don't have them round again!

Blueeilidh · 27/10/2021 22:29

Sounds like everyone but the dog is being unreasonable.

Offmyfence · 27/10/2021 23:00

@ScaredOfDinosaurs

The poor girl is terrified of dogs because she has been previously bitten by a dog.

Your priority is the dog? Hmm

So her parents have kept their dog and taken her to a house with another dog?

Where are their priorities?

OP is justified in making her priority her dog!

TrashyPanda · 27/10/2021 23:58

[quote Subbaxeo]@godmum56 dogs aren’t human! But they can associate things and if they associate being removed from its pack when it does a certain thing, it learns to stop. Look how many dogs sit for treats-they’re not being ‘good’, they’ve learnt it gets them food.[/quote]
My younger dog would cry piteously if he was separated from me in the house. He’s a dog that needs reassurance and to be near me. Why would I deliberately upset him?

Older dog is not motivated by treats in the slightest.

Both dogs like to sit beside me, sit underneath my chair at the dining table and generally follow me around the house.

I’d happily put them on a lead in the house if someone was nervous, but no way would they go into a separate room.

This reminds me of the NSPCC advert about the child who learnt not to cry because nobody came to see him.

Original poster
Ihateeveryone56 · 28/10/2021 08:24

@ScaredOfDinosaurs

The poor girl is terrified of dogs because she has been previously bitten by a dog.

Your priority is the dog? Hmm

Well yes she is my priority why wouldn’t she be? I’ve put in some hard work to get my dog trained to a constant reliable standard and we now have a very strong bond. If there’s something scaring my dog in her own home then I will want to protect my dog especially when she’s been nothing but well behaved the entire time…
OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 28/10/2021 17:38

I felt myself get ragey reading that I couldn’t cope with it in person. The niece would be told to shut up up and save the screaming for an emergency and I’d point out to SIL that you can tell a lot about a person from how they treat animals and niece isn’t being very kind is she…

Moll2020 · 28/10/2021 17:52

Tell them it’s time to go home.

Repecka · 28/10/2021 17:52

If she had done it once or twice I would have just done what you done - explained the situation.
Beyond that I would have been very firm and told her to just stop and if she screamed so loudly again I would get very cross with her and she would be asked to leave.
I’d also have spoken to brother and told him to sort his child out.
She’s 5…old enough to understand.

Newwifeatnumber10 · 28/10/2021 17:55

Poor dog, horrible child and parents.

LettertoHermoine · 28/10/2021 17:56

They sound like muppets.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/10/2021 17:58

My daughter was scared of dogs after she was bitten. We don't see that person in their home anymore because l don't trust the dog. But in time she has become more confident with other dogs. I can understand the fear your niece is experiencing but also it's not fair on the dog. THIS dog hasn't hurt her.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/10/2021 18:00

But to add dogs sometimes have trouble reading toddler signals and if your dog is skittish that would worry me coupled with the screaming.

Fiveunder5 · 28/10/2021 18:02

This little girl is spoilt and her parents encourage her behaviour.
I am sorry but sit tight. Take your dear dog for long walks if you can and give her loads of hugs as you do love her/him. Sit tight and say a nice goodbye never to host them again. This will be a difficult experience for you as we want to have lovely reunion but that only happens in tv adverts Flowers

Mumontour85 · 28/10/2021 18:26

When I was a teenager we had a beautiful and lovely staffy terrier that my mums friends young DD was afraid of and used to terrorise. It used to wind me up so much (please bear in mind I was a rowdy little 15 year old at the time!), when I heard the mum shouting at my dog for nothing, I flipped and told her that this is a dogs house and not her kids, if she doesn't like the dog she can leave! My mum went mental at me for being rude, but twenty (odd!) years later I stand by that feeling.
It is simple to me - if your niece and SIL don't like your dog, find somewhere else to stay. Especially with a rescue god still being trained, it is the dogs house and needs to feel safe in it!

Vynalbob · 28/10/2021 18:28

u are fine, I completely agree....
but they maybe bad pet owners or even naff parents but its up to them....
Bit sad though as your niece is acting in a perfectly natural way after her experience but in pandering to her she will take this into adulthood.....
exasperating but cannot think of an answer.... maybe you can gift them a book on good parenting (joking obvs)... ish