Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it weird to keep her with me until 5?

391 replies

Whatwillyakkabetoday · 27/10/2021 09:17

Dd, is 3 and an August birthday. Is it unusual to keep her at home with me until she turns 5 and send her the September after she turns 5?
I’m a nursery teacher so do lots of activities at home etc.
She wouldn’t have any pre school etc until 5
Has anyone done this?

OP posts:
Thund3rMumma · 28/10/2021 22:08

I have an august baby and sent her to nursery just after she turned 3 and she thrived did better at adjusting than some of the older kids and went to reception just after turning 4 and now she's in year one doing excellent. You might find your child loves it and will do so much better than other children

AllOfMyLove · 28/10/2021 22:18

I’ve never posted here before, but I started reading this feed out of curiosity and then I jumped to just reading your posts. I really feel for you because we had something similar happen to us. My daughter is a summer born baby and being a reception teacher of 8 years, (and having taught year two and year 6 for two and one years respectively) I have always noticed the difference between the younger and older children in my class.
My daughter sounds a little like yours - even though she was young, she was verbal early and is very academically bright, but I felt her social skills and confidence were not particularly good. I deferred my daughters school entry because of this and because I believe that formalised schooling starts too early in this country.
She started reception this year, and I am so glad that we made the decision we did. I see such a difference in her. She loves knowing she is one of the oldest and nurtures the younger ones, this gives her self confidence. Her teachers have commented that she is s joy to have in the classroom because she is ‘so ready for school’ and she recently won form prize for her enthusiasm and behaviour.

What I will say is that she attended full day nursery 2x a week from 7mo (my mum had her the other three days) and then, because of a cross country move, did a month at a random nursery whilst we were (mid pandemic homeless!!!) and then when we had moved, joined a school nursery 5x a week 9-3 until her September start. The moving around worried me so much, but in the end turned out to prove a blessing… she adapted so well (not at ALL what I was expecting given her prior experiences!) and this made me more chilled and confident that we were doing the right thing.

Maybe instead of a preschool you can do a regular playgroup? Or heard term activity club? See how she does with that and then liken it to school for her. We read lots of book slike ‘Lucy and Tom - start school’ and Janet and Allen Alberg’s ‘Starting school’ over and over again.
It helped that I was a teacher and I would come home and show her what I had son that day. It got her very excited!

Hope this helps you!

AllOfMyLove · 28/10/2021 22:20

Sorry about the typo’s Confused getting used to my new (smaller!) phone.
That’s my excuse, anyways… Halloween Grin

Kind2Bkind · 28/10/2021 22:26

I’ll be honest, I’ve not read all the other posts. I’ve read only a few. I am a teacher too and I firmly believe that the education sector is not one size fits all. Please keep your daughter off for as long as she needs. Home education is fine. People are going on saying that it’s not fair to keep her out of rhe socialising at school. Let’s face it, in our adult lives how many jobs require you to work in close proximity to 29 other unruly individuals?! As long as she can socialise in her dance class and other social situations that’s ok that matters.
If she’s not ready for mainstream education, delay it. Even consider a different route. Please don’t get swept up in what the masses do.
Love to you all.

nannykatherine · 28/10/2021 22:34

Have you thought about the social aspect of nursery ?
As a nursery teacher I’m sure you know the benefit of playing alongside and with other children ..
Even if it’s two sessions a week she needs to learn to detach from you and learn independence skills ready for school ..

Tillysfad · 28/10/2021 22:56

nannykath

She really doesn't.

Tillysfad · 28/10/2021 22:59

A lot of parents here seem oblivious to the poorer outcomes experienced by children who are very young in their year.

The statistics demonstrate that children don't speed up their development to convenience our academic year. Who knew.

notoldjustpastyoung · 28/10/2021 23:06

Not so long ago there was no such thing as pre-school. So enjoy her while you've got her.

Tailendofsummer · 28/10/2021 23:18

I'm in my 50s and we absolutely had preschool.

maofteens · 28/10/2021 23:19

My son is a late July baby. He was soooo ready for school though! He was a bundle of energy and Mr Social - still is at 18.

Several kids were August born and I saw no disadvantage to their social and academic achievement. Unless your child is particularly immature I'd send them to school.

Tillysfad · 28/10/2021 23:33

Several kids were August born and I saw no disadvantage to their social and academic achievement. Unless your child is particularly immature I'd send them to school.

Great peer reviewed research there.

Annabellerina · 28/10/2021 23:54

Many people don't realise (and why would you unless you've been through it) that the reason some of us choose not to send our child to full time nursery/pre-school/school was because it is absolute torture for the child. SOME KIDS HATE SCHOOL and if you have a child like that it starts at the beginning when you try to put them in nursery. It's not that they hate school because they haven't been enough and they're not used to it, they hate school because they hate school! A lot of school refusers also have undiagnosed additional needs. It really isn't as simple as, send them more often so they get used to it.
Follow your instinct OP!

readwhatiactuallysay · 29/10/2021 00:04

Defering is a perfectly valid option, providing the child is being socialised with peers, if you feel that's what best do it.

But so look into how their years work out and they wont reach a certain year group and need to move or something like that.

Icanflyhigh · 29/10/2021 00:05

Dd2 was born 31st Aug, and is doing just fine in school.. now year 8 secondary and never had an issue.

GrandmasCat · 29/10/2021 00:13

Friends groups. Difficult to break in when everybody knows each other and have their own friends, especially if the other kids have been together in pre school / nursery since they were tiny. DS moved schools in year 1, the clicque was so strong the only friends he made were other children who joined later than him, who as DS, were bullied by the other ones.

Dixiechickonhols · 29/10/2021 00:22

No I’m not knocking you on putting her in local school (presumably one reason to live there is she will grow up bilingual) but not speaking language is a massive consideration and I suspect your replies would be very different if that was in your first post. I do wonder if language issue was a big part of her not settling and making friends in preschool. Yes she’ll catch up eventually but I’d ask again specifically for replies from people with experience of dc starting school in a foreign language. My understanding is start them asap so they get full immersion experience and she’ll be fluent by time she starts school.

Tillysfad · 29/10/2021 00:23

No it is not difficult to break in socially at four. If there are difficulties there would have been anyway. Children's social fates are unfortunately not so easily molded. The popular one is intrinsically different and no amount of socialising (again not puppies) can change that. They tend to be whoever they are and that's ok.

Hydrate · 29/10/2021 00:35

I did.

Fleshmechanic · 29/10/2021 01:36

You're a nursery teacher but you're basically saying your job is completely defunct and useless? Like kids shouldn't go into your class at all and we should just stop nursery altogether and replace it with homeschooling and play dates? That'll save your boss a salary.

AnnieSnap · 29/10/2021 02:40

[quote Whatwillyakkabetoday]@Aroundtheworldin80moves Learning at home, lots of time outside and play dates once a week or fortnight (no playgroups where we are, but lots friends with kids)[/quote]
So long as she has lots of opportunities to socialise with her peers, she’ll be fine. The research shows that we rush our kids into classroom environment to no real benefit in the UK.

Kokeshi123 · 29/10/2021 06:03

Yes, this is a huge part of it, but what option do we have? We can’t afford the expensive, private, international schools where they teach in English. Also I’m not so sure about that as how would she ever integrate. From my experience, they learn the language really quickly and she will adapt, but I feel awful throwing her in at the deep end like that. She knows a few words of our now home country and we try to teach her when we can, but I’m mainly focusing on phonics etc in English and it can all be too much, don’t want to overload her.
It’s really made me seriously think about coming home to the U.K.

If she is going to go to the local schools, I really think you need to get her reasonably fluent in the language before she starts.

You're not in Japan, by any chance, are you? If so, PM me; I might be able to give you some more ideas.

rrhuth · 29/10/2021 06:23

@GrandmasCat

Friends groups. Difficult to break in when everybody knows each other and have their own friends, especially if the other kids have been together in pre school / nursery since they were tiny. DS moved schools in year 1, the clicque was so strong the only friends he made were other children who joined later than him, who as DS, were bullied by the other ones.
Sorry your ds had a hard time but friendship groups are not fixed by early childhood. My child started a new school in yr4 with no issues.

Bullying is, sadly, due to unpleasant people - your ds was unlucky to go to a school with a clique of bullies.

workwoes123 · 29/10/2021 06:36

@Whatwillyakkabetoday

It would be really helpful if you could say which country you are in.

We are in France. Preschool starts at 2/3, then real school starts the year they turn 6. dS1 is December born so he was 5 when he started proper school, and has been the youngest in his class throughout. We did have the option to keep him back a year at the start, but as I was pregnant with DS2 we decided to put him in preschool, mornings only.

In France pretty much every child starts preschool at 3 - it’s considered a fundamental part of learning how to learn and socialise in a school setting. Plus childcare enabling people to work of course. It’s entirely free from preschool up. Culturally, it’s totally the norm. Being a SAHM is not the norm here at all.

We are all English at home, so another reason for sending DS was to get his french up to speed. Starting preschool with no french was hard, really hard, but we had no choice but to jump in that particular deep end, and once the language clicked DS was fine. If you want to integrate, don’t put your child in an English-only school environment. How are your own local language skills? Are you comfortable living where you do and are you integrated? Are you planning to work or have more children?

aimsi · 29/10/2021 08:14

My LB started school at 5, he went to nursery 3 sessions per week, he wasn’t ready for school, emotionally that is. The extra time at home & in a nurturing environment was absolutely the right thing for us to do. It would have meant he’d potentially of been deferred a year, the school he’s in has reception & year 1 together & then year 1 & 2 together. He’s in the age appropriate year with his peers & thriving . You need to speak with your council & school as they maybe unwilling to defer the year group & dependant on your child that maybe absolutely fine or challenging. It’s quite a stressful process but if it’s what’s needed& they’re supportive it’s what’s best for your child

Beverley71 · 29/10/2021 08:20

I’m an August born and to all those saying don’t defer her she will be fine, she might not. I really struggled in primary school and it really affected me. Deferring until the term after your child turns 5 for summer born children (so starting in September) is hugely beneficial for a lot of summer born children. However, I do think she would benefit from going to pre school