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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it weird to keep her with me until 5?

391 replies

Whatwillyakkabetoday · 27/10/2021 09:17

Dd, is 3 and an August birthday. Is it unusual to keep her at home with me until she turns 5 and send her the September after she turns 5?
I’m a nursery teacher so do lots of activities at home etc.
She wouldn’t have any pre school etc until 5
Has anyone done this?

OP posts:
Tillysfad · 27/10/2021 19:22

Children who are inherently shy and introverted will be more impacted than children who are inherently sociable.

If this is being put forward as a suggestion that introverted children particularly need to go to nursery, it is absolute tosh and out of the dark ages psychologically.

OhRosalind · 27/10/2021 19:24

What do you think your DD struggled with - something specific to that setting or just being apart from you? I think I’d focus on trying to identify and deal with that and work out if any alternative settings would suit her better next year. They change so much in a year though.

We are also overseas with a youngest in the year group DS who has started preschool this year, aged almost 3. Unlike your DD he has been very shy post lockdowns and hasn’t found it easy settling in but has made a lot of progress already. I think in some ways he’s just a bit young and would have been better starting in a few months time but only September starts are possible here, like where you are. And as another pp mentioned, if preschool is the norm (here it’s not compulsory till 6 but almost all kids attend at least mornings from 3) all their peers are there so there are fewer opportunities for socialising outside preschool, so that affected our decision. We spend a lot of time in playgrounds and activities since they’ve opened again but it’s a completely different experience from a preschool or school environment.

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2021 19:26

@TatianaBis, I get what you’re saying but nature over nurture is always a difficult one. But as @Tillysfad Said, If that’s the case then it would mean this little girl needs to get into school, keeping her home would cause even more damage.

TatianaBis · 27/10/2021 19:26

@Tillysfad

Children who are inherently shy and introverted will be more impacted than children who are inherently sociable.

If this is being put forward as a suggestion that introverted children particularly need to go to nursery, it is absolute tosh and out of the dark ages psychologically.

No such suggestion was made.
Original poster
Whatwillyakkabetoday · 27/10/2021 19:29

@Melawati @OhRosalind It wasn’t play based enough, she was being told to sit down constantly and there was lots of shouting 😢it wasn’t what I envisaged at all and it’s hard not to feel bitter about it. We were both so excited and I honestly thought she’d be running in. She cried for me, which she’s never done before, she’s clingy to me now still, but it’s getting better. They just weren’t untiring enough and had no playtime outside etc until the afternoon and she was only in mornings. Definitely not what I had in mind and I made a mistake choosing the place.
We wouldn’t go back there, but I’m worried for future places now, when before I was v relaxed about it all.
I would so love to send her to one of the International schools here with pre school attached, I’m confident she’d love it, but we simply can’t stretch to private school fees sadly.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 27/10/2021 19:37

When my children started school this lovely mum who worked as a nursery nurse had told me she had done what you did - keep her son at home until he was 5. But unfortunately he was the kid running a muck in the playground - refusing to queue, excitedly causing merry mayhem, the teachers had to teach him all the basic things from scratch like hanging his bag up etc...and he was also the kid then that the other children did not want to be friends with because he was upsetting the other children because he was doing what he wanted when he wanted. And unfortunately he is still in high school a kid that other kids have not warmed to.
I sense you have anxiety? There is nothing wrong with holding him back a year academically if you and the school think this is best - but not socialising him will cause him issues in the long run.

OhRosalind · 27/10/2021 19:43

That sounds really disappointing and overly formal for the age group. Are there other (public?) settings around that you could visit/speak to for a better feel? Or ask locally/on Facebook for parent feedback?

fourandnomore · 27/10/2021 19:44

Is there a way you could take her to look around options with you if possible later in the year once you’ve built her confidence again? I found my daughter had completely different reactions to different preschools we visited, it was so surprising. She had always been with me and was happy and confident. Two of them she pottered in and went to play immediately, one she clung to my leg then made me hold her on my hip and wouldn’t get down. Another she was shy at first but warmed up and talked about it lots afterwards. I then talked to her about them all and she said which one she liked best. She was 3 at that point.

A friend of mine had a very similar experience to the one you’ve described with your daughter. She sent her to a different nursery the following year and she was a completely different child - 4 rather than 3, happy and loved it.

I would leave things as they are with you at home until the new year and maybe try to look at some options together at that point? My heart goes out to you, it’s horrible when experiences knock their confidence so much.

OhRosalind · 27/10/2021 19:47

I also think it’s important to keep expectations positive but realistic (for both of you), although this was obviously not the right place for her, lots of kids cry and don’t run in excitedly at first and those that do might have a wobble later on.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/10/2021 19:49

Maybe a halfway house? We didn’t feel our youngest was ready for full time, even as a February baby so just sent him for half days for the first term. At half term included lunch then full time in second term. Worked very well, school were happy and he made excellent progress.

Original poster
Whatwillyakkabetoday · 27/10/2021 19:54

*Nuturing enough

OP posts:
Melawati · 27/10/2021 19:55

Are other settings different? Where are the other three year olds going? In your position I’d do lots of research, lots of chatting to other parents about the details and visiting settings. Can you attend any events at the settings her friends go to? You may find a different setting makes all the difference. Also, having a good understanding of school life and routines will be like before starting may help her settle next time.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 27/10/2021 19:56

I'd keep her home, seems like you do a lot. We send kids off to school too early IMO!

Original poster
Whatwillyakkabetoday · 27/10/2021 19:58

@ittakes2 She has no problem with simple things like hanging her bag up, we do this at home with her bag, coat, shoes away etc. She’s really independent and actively enjoys doing those things

OP posts:
pantjog · 27/10/2021 20:01

My eldest DD was very happy at nursery school, mornings only, and miserable as sin at school. We pulled her out to homeschool her temporarily… and then kept going.

You know your child and if you think she’ll be better at home, go for it. There’s tons of research to suggest that children do better if they start later.

Original poster
Whatwillyakkabetoday · 27/10/2021 20:01

@fourandnomore This is my hope. To leave it for a bit now and then see about the pre school attached to the school a walk away for us. They only take them at 4, so hopefully we will get in there and hopefully she’ll like it.
At the moment she says she never wants to go to school, so we’re not mentioning it at all and I’ve just said when she’s bigger, she’ll go to a different school and emphasised how great school is and all the fun things you do etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwillyakkabetoday · 27/10/2021 20:03

@Melawati I have friends with their kids in different places, opinions are very divided about them all. The one place I’d so love her to go is where I taught for a short while, hence I know how lovely the staff are, the set up etc. But it’s Montessori and the most expensive one in the area, for good reason, but still.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwillyakkabetoday · 27/10/2021 20:06

@OhRosalind Yes, we were always very positive and I tried to stick with it the longest I could possible bear to, but she was very upset-wetting herself at night when previously hadn’t and mentioning it at random times and saying she didn’t want to go. I saw the change in her and couldn’t let her go through that.

OP posts:
DeepaBeesKit · 27/10/2021 20:07

What your daughter may find hard OP is the sudden shift to a low ratio of adults to children.

Children who go to preschool get used to being away from mum & dad in a gradual way with more adult time. My sons preschool had four or five kids per adult, for children over 3 it's a maximum of 8. By the time they join reception and the ratio drops to 30 kids with one teacher & one TA, they are more used to it.

Your child will go from always having you 1 on 1, to suddenly getting very little individual adult attention all day in a reception class. This may be a huge shock

Pencilandpaper · 27/10/2021 20:17

@ittakes2

When my children started school this lovely mum who worked as a nursery nurse had told me she had done what you did - keep her son at home until he was 5. But unfortunately he was the kid running a muck in the playground - refusing to queue, excitedly causing merry mayhem, the teachers had to teach him all the basic things from scratch like hanging his bag up etc...and he was also the kid then that the other children did not want to be friends with because he was upsetting the other children because he was doing what he wanted when he wanted. And unfortunately he is still in high school a kid that other kids have not warmed to. I sense you have anxiety? There is nothing wrong with holding him back a year academically if you and the school think this is best - but not socialising him will cause him issues in the long run.
Sorry but there is no way the child you talk of having issues in high school is because his mum didn’t start him at school until 5! I know so many children with social issues who have all started school when they were 4. The starting school age has nothing to do with it. Op, keep her home. Providing you have a safe and loving environment for her (which it sounds like you do), it will be the best thing you can do.
Goawaymorningsickeness · 27/10/2021 20:23

Why are you trying to hold her back. She should be exposed to other children more than once a week or fortnight. Do you not want her to be socially developed. You are being unreasonable and unfair on her.

cooker321monster · 27/10/2021 20:28

IF I lived in a community full of home schoolers I would home school. Unfortunately I do not so my kids are sat in a noisy class of 30 and it is Borrrrring (gets a little more stimulating in high school - but less PE).
So personally if it works for you - have as much time at home with your baby as possible x

Tillysfad · 27/10/2021 20:38

19:26Bluntness100

I made no such suggestion so please don't imply it. I'm afraid I think you're a really poor poster to advise on psychological well-being in children as you seem emotionally illiterate and singularly lacking in tact or empathy. It's frightening to think parents might take your advice.

OP, don't ask for the majority rule on what's weird in raising your child. They don't know your child. They will deliver a one size fits all dollop of advice that has more to do with convenient childcare but has been hastily recast to appear in the best interests of the child. There is no standard child. One setting cannot possibly be optimal for every single one of them.

Chipsahoy · 27/10/2021 21:00

They don’t start at just 4 in Scotland. Or America or many countries and the kids are fine. Why rush them?! My three year old won’t start until he’s 5. Due to covid he’s not in pre school and won’t be until things improve.

thebuswontfit · 27/10/2021 22:45

No. I tnink you meed to invest time over the next year in preparing her to start school next sept

You can start by sending her to pre school now

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