Am I right to feel left out- secret Santa related

[Brentmeister]

Name changed for this as maybe outing.

I’ve been with my DP for nearly 4 years. Get on really well with each other’s family, see his siblings/partners/nephews regularly and get on well. Meet his sister for a coffee now and again and have baby sat for the kids a couple of times. We get on well and see eachother for a full day maybe once a month.

In my family we do secret Santa for the adults (budget £30-£40) and don’t buy kids as there’s too many, they have enough stuff and it’s just a waste. We’ve done it for a few years and it’s worked well. I’ve always asked him if he wants to be in it but he’s said no which is fine, it’s all women in our secret Santa and I get why he doesn’t want to be in it.

However him and his 3 siblings have always brought for each other + kids. As more kids have been born (5 nephews and I have one son, we have none together) it’s obviously gets dearer. Last week I saw one of his sister in laws (all his siblings are married except one who’s due to be married in january) and mentioned this is what we do in my family.

So fast forward to tonight. I’m browsing online and see a present perfect for one of his brothers. I show him and he agrees but then says ‘we are doing secret Santa this year’ I said oh right I wonder who’ll I get and he said oh I don’t think you’re in it. I said why wouldn’t I be and he said well no one mentioned your name.

I’ve had a hard week with some really bad family news so I’m not sure if this has tipped me over the edge because I’m emotional but it’s really upset me. It’s not about having a present, I’m an adult and can afford to buy what I want but I feel so left out. We are spending Xmas day with his family so they’d all be exchanging gifts and I’d have nothing. And I’m more hurt that DP didn’t just say ‘oh yeah what about Brent’.

As I said it’s not about actually having a gift it’s more the feeling of being totally left out and suddenly feeling like I’m not seen as part of the family. I’m really hurt 😢

Anyway AIBU?

Message the member of his family you're closest to or whoever is organising it (there's always a top member of the family who organises everything) tomorrow and say like Hey DP mentioned there was a secret santa but I haven't heard about this! Who am I getting, because I'm gonna be Christmas shopping soon! And then go from there.

With that dialogue they would have to admit you'd been forgotten or lie and quickly include you. It definitely fucking sucks and is ridiculous but people can be super rude and inconsiderate for no reason.

@Bb16103

Surely the only reason they’ve done this is because of the other fiancée not being included -what I mean is if they add you it’s an odd number & someone would have to buy 2 secret Santa’s? They obviously think a lot of you if you spend a lot of time with them & have had thoughtful gifts from them in the past, but it’s still really quite mean though. & very thoughtless. I’d not stand for my SIL being left out, it’s really not nice.

That’s… that’s not how Secret Santa works… what makes you think you need an even number of people??

You can do a secret Santa with 3 people even

Sarah buys a present for Dave, Dave buys a present for Ben, Ben buy a present for Sarah (obviously with 3 people it won’t really be that secret but the system is the same).

You have repeatedly put yourself down for feeling this way. Your feelings are valid and you have a right to feel upset. It also changes the light on how he sees you in relation to family. This is worth a conversation about respect for you as his partner.

YANBU you are part of the family (married or not) and leaving someone out especially on Christmas day is naff and unkind. As someone said ask who you will be getting. If they repeat that you are not included, I would, ask why not and let them know you are upset about it. Or let DP know you are upset and ask him to sort it out (if you don't think he'd do it off his own back?).

I have a SIL who used to buy her siblings partners lesser presents than the siblings. It makes you feel a bit crap. As you say, it's not the present, it's the thoughtlessness and to be somehow thought of as lesser. Fortunately they now do secret Santa

I wonder if they thought that your partners present would just be a joint present - but then surely all the other couples would be joint too.
Presumably he's been given someone's name - let him choose it, buy it, wrap it himself.
I know what you mean about the not married thing. I've been with my partner for 33 years and his mother still refers to me as her “ daughter in law even though she's not really”. When I was in her bubble and looking after her when she was shielding I'd look around and ask where all her real daughter in laws were then? 😀
Hope you still have a good Christmas, just let it wash over you if you can. They will realise their error on the day and probably be mortified.