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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I right to feel left out- secret Santa related

181 replies

Brentmeister · 25/10/2021 22:59

Name changed for this as maybe outing.

I’ve been with my DP for nearly 4 years. Get on really well with each other’s family, see his siblings/partners/nephews regularly and get on well. Meet his sister for a coffee now and again and have baby sat for the kids a couple of times. We get on well and see eachother for a full day maybe once a month.

In my family we do secret Santa for the adults (budget £30-£40) and don’t buy kids as there’s too many, they have enough stuff and it’s just a waste. We’ve done it for a few years and it’s worked well. I’ve always asked him if he wants to be in it but he’s said no which is fine, it’s all women in our secret Santa and I get why he doesn’t want to be in it.

However him and his 3 siblings have always brought for each other + kids. As more kids have been born (5 nephews and I have one son, we have none together) it’s obviously gets dearer. Last week I saw one of his sister in laws (all his siblings are married except one who’s due to be married in january) and mentioned this is what we do in my family.

So fast forward to tonight. I’m browsing online and see a present perfect for one of his brothers. I show him and he agrees but then says ‘we are doing secret Santa this year’ I said oh right I wonder who’ll I get and he said oh I don’t think you’re in it. I said why wouldn’t I be and he said well no one mentioned your name.

I’ve had a hard week with some really bad family news so I’m not sure if this has tipped me over the edge because I’m emotional but it’s really upset me. It’s not about having a present, I’m an adult and can afford to buy what I want but I feel so left out. We are spending Xmas day with his family so they’d all be exchanging gifts and I’d have nothing. And I’m more hurt that DP didn’t just say ‘oh yeah what about Brent’.

As I said it’s not about actually having a gift it’s more the feeling of being totally left out and suddenly feeling like I’m not seen as part of the family. I’m really hurt 😢

Anyway AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Brentmeister · 26/10/2021 07:31

Yeah I think it’s because I haven’t got DS and will be spending it with his nephews which is fine, I love spending time with them but of course I’d much rather my DS be there too so then all of them (kids and adults) will be having presents and I’ll just be totally left out smiling and nodding. But again it’s just more the hurt of being excluded and DP not thinking of me. As I’ve said he’s not like that at all normally which is probably what’s surprised me the most. I won’t see him till after work now but I might message him later about it

OP posts:
ItsSnowJokes · 26/10/2021 07:38

I would stay at home Christmas day (but I'm a stubborn bugger) and buy in a load of amazing food, sit watching TV in my pjs all day whole buying what I want in the sales online.

Let him have all the rushing around and travelling and you just do you.

GroggyLegs · 26/10/2021 07:40

After 4 years of bed bug involved it does seem weird to suddenly be quite deliberately excluded - I'd definitely try & check if that's the case before getting really upset, your DP didn't sound sure?

If you're not included you've the splendid choice of turning up & feeling like shit as you're awkwardly excluded or not going and feeling awkwardly excluded at home - I'd ask your DP which did he think you'd prefer?

His behaviour would indicate to me that he feels bad (obviously, because it's horrible that he didn't think about you when the plans were being made) but has chosen to take it out in you for making him feel that way, rather than taking responsibility for acting like a thoughtless tit.

Hopefully if he's as nice as you say, hell reflect on this & put it right.

GroggyLegs · 26/10/2021 07:40

*bed bug?? Being

Windows01 · 26/10/2021 07:42

You are not being silly or pathetic at all. Even without the other stuff you've mentioned you have going on and not having DS at Christmas, I'd feel exactly the same as you and the way you articulate why you feel left out, makes perfect sense. You are caring and considerate to him and all his family and very much consider them part of your family, but by him not including you or the others not giving you the same consideration makes you question how they really view you and your place in the family. If you wasn't having Christmas with them or there when presents were being exchanged maybe it would be a little easier, but to expect you to sit there and receive nothing whilst they all coo and whoop over the other presents is mean and selfish. No doubt at that point they may come ti their senses and say oh Brent we should have included you. Or you should be part of this for next year. By then you already feel like a massive afterthought and it's too late.

Nip it in the bud now and make Mr Brent add you too the list and get included, you'll be over it by Christmas Day and it won't spoil or drag on.

Hope Me Brent has heard you and gets it resolved.

Ginger1982 · 26/10/2021 07:46

@WTF475878237NC

We only include wives and husbands in our SS too because some people really wouldn't know what to get the girlfriend of a relative they don't see that often. It's not personal or an insult.
The OP said they spend quite a lot of time together.
Brefugee · 26/10/2021 07:49

It must feel a bit like a slap in the face, OP.

So depending on how the conversation goes today, how about "well I'd feel like a lemon sitting there being the only one not included, so I'll go to my parents"

Would that work for you?

And in your shoes i would want to know why you weren't included and then re-evaluate my relationship with them based on that.

andyoldlabour · 26/10/2021 07:54

If my DW had been left out, then I would withdraw the family from the whole charade. That is bloody mean.

Practicebeingpatient · 26/10/2021 07:54

You have your answer. He has never been bothered about being included in your families SS so why would he think to include you in his?
It isn' t important to him to be included so he probably didn't think it would matter to you this way round. Clearly he was wrong but it's too late now, at least for this year. He will know better next year.

As your family have found out, presents are the least important part of Christmas. You can have a great time without a pile of gifts to open. In the general hustle and bustle I doubt anyone will even notice that you have been 'left out'. And if my experiences of Secret Santa are anything to go by, it will be one less thing to drop off at a charity shop in January.

Windows01 · 26/10/2021 07:58

Perhaps the conversation was so brief that there was no opportunity for you to be specifically mentioned by name. Surely they haven't pulled the names out already. So may have been a case of oh, we are going to do secret Santa this year, is that ok? Yes great.

No mention of you but also no specific mention that you had been excluded. I can't imagine they would have said is me you billy jo et etc ?

DrGoogleSaysSo · 26/10/2021 07:58

YANBU. You're spending Christmas with them and all the other partners are included. I can't understand why your dh would let you out.

ShirleyPhallus · 26/10/2021 07:59

Has he excluded you as you’re doing SS with your own family?

NewPapaGuinea · 26/10/2021 08:02

YANBU. As all the other partners are included this is pretty shitty behaviour.

As for: “he said well no one mentioned your name” that’s literally his responsibility here.

home2012 · 26/10/2021 08:03

Could it be a money issue, you buy for your family and he buys for his, maybe he thought if you where in the secret Santa then he would have to pay for two presents

Endofyearbuzz · 26/10/2021 08:04

It's not oversight. You said you never paid for presents for them. Of course they will not suddenly include you in present buying exercise then where you have to pay. They probably know.

ElftonWednesday · 26/10/2021 08:10

It's rubbish that you were not included if the other partners are. Are they really all going to sit there opening presents while you sit there twiddling your thumbs? I don't think they have thought it through. But then it is still October. Plenty of time to sort it out.

catwhispererpsps · 26/10/2021 08:17

Have you ever spent Christmas with your family where you DP has been left out? I know it's his choice not to be included but as he's not bothered he might automatically think you feel the same.
If it was me I would be arranging to spend Christmas with my own family and let them get on with it.
My DP's family haven't included me in anything over the last 11 year and I know how upsetting it can be.

Hathertonhariden · 26/10/2021 08:20

From what DP said you and SILs fiance were excluded for not being married. You can understand not including boy/girlfriends when they might not be around in a few month's time, but excluding established partners is not a good look.

Perhaps you and SILs fiance need to plan your own outsider's Xmas day and leave the "real" family to their own devices.

OneToThree · 26/10/2021 08:20

Who organised the draw. I’d just ring them. Say you’d like to be included please and could they do a redraw. Sort it yourself. That’s what I’d do but I do know that I’m very upfront about things and don’t let things fester.

Polmuggle · 26/10/2021 08:24

Hang on a sec, have I got this right?

Every year they get you a present.

But you never get them one? DP does and you suggest ideas, but he pays for it and it's from him?

In which case, surely that's the problem?

diddl · 26/10/2021 08:27

I did wonder if he didn't include you as he isn't included in your family SS (albeit by choice).

All he has to do is include you-or would that feel forced now iyswim?

NoSquirrels · 26/10/2021 08:27

Giving him the (massive) benefit of the doubt, perhaps he just thought that as he’s not included in your family’s secret santa, why would you be included in this one.

I actually bet you are included.

They haven’t drawn names yet, have they? And he said “I don’t think you’re included” i.e. he just wasn’t paying much attention! I bet his sisters will have put your name in the hat.

Pugmumm · 26/10/2021 08:29

Sympathise totally with you OP. I have been in this situation many times. DP just hid it from me to save my feelings with is actually worse.
To me, YANBI.

Pugmumm · 26/10/2021 08:29

*YANBU

LookItsMeAgain · 26/10/2021 08:33

I think it is very important that your DP sorts this out either later today or by tomorrow (so that the others don't go crazy and buy for people they may end up not having in the Secret Santa draw).
It's not because you would be seen as grabby (you wouldn't) but they clearly haven't thought about the gift giving and you'll be the only one out on Christmas Day which you're deciding to spend with them.

If your DP doesn't sort this out by tomorrow, you can tell him that you're no longer interested in spending Christmas Day with his family (as they don't see you as "family" for some reason) so you'll go elsewhere. See how that sits with him.

Alternatively, YOU contact whoever was organising the Secret Santa draw and say that you want to be included and why weren't you after all you're spending Christmas Day with them???