Am I right to feel left out- secret Santa related

[Brentmeister]

Name changed for this as maybe outing.

I’ve been with my DP for nearly 4 years. Get on really well with each other’s family, see his siblings/partners/nephews regularly and get on well. Meet his sister for a coffee now and again and have baby sat for the kids a couple of times. We get on well and see eachother for a full day maybe once a month.

In my family we do secret Santa for the adults (budget £30-£40) and don’t buy kids as there’s too many, they have enough stuff and it’s just a waste. We’ve done it for a few years and it’s worked well. I’ve always asked him if he wants to be in it but he’s said no which is fine, it’s all women in our secret Santa and I get why he doesn’t want to be in it.

However him and his 3 siblings have always brought for each other + kids. As more kids have been born (5 nephews and I have one son, we have none together) it’s obviously gets dearer. Last week I saw one of his sister in laws (all his siblings are married except one who’s due to be married in january) and mentioned this is what we do in my family.

So fast forward to tonight. I’m browsing online and see a present perfect for one of his brothers. I show him and he agrees but then says ‘we are doing secret Santa this year’ I said oh right I wonder who’ll I get and he said oh I don’t think you’re in it. I said why wouldn’t I be and he said well no one mentioned your name.

I’ve had a hard week with some really bad family news so I’m not sure if this has tipped me over the edge because I’m emotional but it’s really upset me. It’s not about having a present, I’m an adult and can afford to buy what I want but I feel so left out. We are spending Xmas day with his family so they’d all be exchanging gifts and I’d have nothing. And I’m more hurt that DP didn’t just say ‘oh yeah what about Brent’.

As I said it’s not about actually having a gift it’s more the feeling of being totally left out and suddenly feeling like I’m not seen as part of the family. I’m really hurt 😢

Anyway AIBU?

[MrsCardone]

Who is organising it? I bet it’s his DSis as it usually is in these situations. Call them and ask them who your Secret Santa person is.

[BungleandGeorge]

@HoardingSamphireSaurus

But you don’t usually buy them presents? Your partner puts your name on the present he buys and you don’t have joint finances. They buy for you and your son and you don’t give them anything usually ... As you only buy one present for your family I’d presume you’re not keen on buying presents

Can you not see the contradiction there?

Her DP buys for his sibs, their partners and kids, presents are from him, OP and her DS.

His family buy for their sibs, kids, incl OP and her DS - who knows who pays, who cares?

In her family the rules of Christmas are different. Nobody in DPs family are affected by that!

No can’t see any contradiction at all. Her partner tacks her name onto the present he gives (would be embarrassing if he didn’t). I’d honestly expect to give them a gift if they were buying for me and my child , or contribute to their joint gift at the least. It’s not really a joint gift otherwise? I don’t think joint gifts are usual until you have joint finances, I’d feel embarrassed not getting them anything in return. Especially as it seems the partners family are also hosting (and not for the first time?)

[Katela18]

Hi OP,

You are right to be hurt by this.

I have 3 brothers and we do secret santa. I am married, as it one of my brothers, one is engaged and one has a girlfiend he has been with a year. All 8 people are involved in secret santa, I wouldn't dream of leaving anyone out since they will all know that's what we are doing.

This is a massive oversight by your DP and he needs to rectify it. Don't be a martyr by saying 'i don't even want to be involved anymore'. He needs to correct this and also make a point to his family that you are as much part of the family as any of the married spouses.

[thisplaceisweird]

Bought = past tense of buy

Brought = past tense of bring

[ancientgran]

I wouldn't go Christmas Day. Tell him now that plans have changed. I'd rather be at home with beans on toast than spend the day with them.

[Hathertonhariden]

You do need to resolve this OP. If they decide they want to continue this in future years I'm assuming fiance will get included whether he likes it or not when he's married (given his dislike it will probably be left to SIL to organise on his behalf). So if the same no ring, no gift applies you will be even more isolated.

As they have always received gifts signed from the 3 of you and sent you presents in the same way, wouldn't it make more financial sense to say that the SS is a gift for each family group rather than individuals? We've done that before so rather than say have £50 per individual you agree £75 per household. This is particularly fair for the single person who previously shelled out for numerous gifts and only got one in return. Plus you put suggested gifts in an envelope with your name so that the person buying gets something they know the recipient will appreciate.

[Pigflewpast]

@thisplaceisweird

Bought = past tense of buy

Brought = past tense of bring

Pulling people up = not clever
Thinking it’s clever = wrong

[catwhispererpsps]

@Brentmeister

All except one who’s just not really into this thing at all but all the others are married

So the 2 unmarried ones aren't included.

[ancientgran]

OP if you decide to go buy yourself something fabulous, wrap it and smuggle it in to the pile. Deny all knowledge of it, who decided to buy you such a fabulous present ?

[darklady64]

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

I think, if my sister in law mentioned that her family do a secret Santa which is just for her siblings and no one else gets gifts, I might take it as a subtle hint that she didn’t want to bother with presents any more.

I think AllTheUsernames might be onto something here.

[starrynight87]

Your partner should have mentioned you. I would feel hurt too.

[ancientgran]

@Werehamster

They probably just assumed as you were in your family secret Santa, that you wouldn't want to be in two. I don't think it's a big deal, just ask if you can join in.

I'm sorry for your problems though. It sounds like you've had a hard time of things

I would assume they are capable of communicating so why not just ask if she wants to be included?

[HedgehogintheFog]

Are you SURE you are not included. Obviously, you know the full situation, but from what you have written, I wouldn't be surprised if SIL thinks you are included (as it was your idea) and your DP has just made a bizarre assumption you are not.

[TheNoodlesIncident]

I don't think you should feel snubbed by your DP's family, as they've always included you in the past, including the first Christmas when they knew you and your DS the least. This will be down to your DP, who has probably assumed that you don't want to do a second Secret Santa and said so to his family. He has made a mistake in that respect, so a chat about it and his then asking for you to be included seems the sensible approach. It's hardly too late, there's still time.

But I really think the important thing here is that you have not been deliberately excluded, it's not because you're not married, it's most likely just a balls-up on your DP's part. You get on well with his family and see them relatively often, so it's hardly likely that they don't like you or don't rate you because of your marital status.

(My one SS experience was not nice; the person who drew my name made a fuss and asked, loudly and clearly, to change with someone else, so they weren't buying for me. Obviously when I got my present from the new donor I knew (and had suspected) I had been the one they couldn't possibly buy for. I find it amazing that that person was so staggeringly rude to do that so openly instead of swopping discreetly later so I wouldn't know. I might not be Mrs Popular but at least I'm not so disgustingly rude and boorish to do such a thing with no respect for anyone's feelings!)

[DILevil]

Hav been on the receiving end of this, it is truly horrible to see one family member excluded and others give everyone else presents. I organised a secret Santa to stop the exclusion one year as it really really hurt the one year and still echoes.

[diddl]

Won't you be included with your OH if you usually buy together?

[FatBettyintheCoop]

You said he’s not included in your family’s Secret Santa so presumably he applied the same logic?

Instead of being a ridiculous drama Lama, why not speak to the SIL who you originally mentioned the secret Santa idea to? If you also told her your DP wasn’t included in your family’s gift giving, then she may also have made an assumption based on what YOU TOLD HER.

You’ve said his family have always bought you gifts in the past so to make bizarre negative assumptions before checking your facts, seems rather silly.

Just speak to someone and get it sorted.

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

I think, if my sister in law mentioned that her family do a secret Santa which is just for her siblings and no one else gets gifts, I might take it as a subtle hint that she didn’t want to bother with presents any more.

Just as a follow up to this, there are currently loads of threads on here where people are asking how to politely suggest their families scale back the gift giving.
Many people are worried about finances this year and secret Santa, in the way your family do it, would really alleviate the financial pressure.
I genuinely think they’ve assumed this is why you suggested it in the first place and don’t want to pry or put you in an awkward position to point blank ask you if you don’t want to do presents this year.
I’d definitely just say “oh, DP has just told me you’re doing secret Santa this year. Can I join in? It sounds really fun” All enthusiastically and forget about this little miscommunication.

[mamas12]

That’s bad from your dp
He needs to put this right and not in the way of ‘of Brent is upset she’s not included’ way
Oh no he needs to own up and say I presume Brent is included of course type of way

[Cherrysoup]

Does he not realise you’ll be the only one not getting a present at the relative’s house? He needs to be reminded or you’ll be sat there with nothing on the day.

[NigelSlatersXmasTaters]

I can't believe none of them have thought to include you.

I'd have to turn up and wait for them to realise. Wouldn't be saying "oh it's ok, don't worry" etc to them either. I'd be telling them that yes it hurt and yes it was a revelation. Then I'd stop with the favours and leave literally everything to do with them all to DH

[saraclara]

Please don't message him about this (as you say you intend to).

Getting messages at work about personal disagreements is ALWAYS counterproductive. He'll be even more pissed off. Add to that, that text alone without facial expression, tone of voice and body language, is incredibly open to misinterpretation, and you'll just add fuel to the fire.

If you want him to understand your point of view, you need him to be relaxed, not distracted by work and other people's demands, and to be able to see your face and hear your tone of voice.

[CallmeHendricks]

We set up our family Secret Santa last week before the organiser realised that DD's boyfriend would also be with us. No brainer - the draw was immediately re-allocated.

The conversation between the OP and her partner should have gone along the lines of:
OP: So, how come I'm not in the family Secret Santa?
Him: Dunno. No one mentioned your name?
OP: "No one?" Not even YOU?
Him: Erm.... but you don't like present-giving.
OP: What about my past performance over the years in devising and sourcing thoughtful gifts for others made you think that?
Him: erm.....
OP: So, you'll be fixing this then, will you? Assuming you want me to attend?

[BoredZelda]

If this is the only thing g they have ever done that makes you feel outside of the family, it probably isn’t worth getting upset about as it won’t be intentional. Why not just ask them if you can be included in it?

[Hankunamatata]

Yoir over thinking this. Just text organiser and say you would like to be included