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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I right to feel left out- secret Santa related

181 replies

Brentmeister · 25/10/2021 22:59

Name changed for this as maybe outing.

I’ve been with my DP for nearly 4 years. Get on really well with each other’s family, see his siblings/partners/nephews regularly and get on well. Meet his sister for a coffee now and again and have baby sat for the kids a couple of times. We get on well and see eachother for a full day maybe once a month.

In my family we do secret Santa for the adults (budget £30-£40) and don’t buy kids as there’s too many, they have enough stuff and it’s just a waste. We’ve done it for a few years and it’s worked well. I’ve always asked him if he wants to be in it but he’s said no which is fine, it’s all women in our secret Santa and I get why he doesn’t want to be in it.

However him and his 3 siblings have always brought for each other + kids. As more kids have been born (5 nephews and I have one son, we have none together) it’s obviously gets dearer. Last week I saw one of his sister in laws (all his siblings are married except one who’s due to be married in january) and mentioned this is what we do in my family.

So fast forward to tonight. I’m browsing online and see a present perfect for one of his brothers. I show him and he agrees but then says ‘we are doing secret Santa this year’ I said oh right I wonder who’ll I get and he said oh I don’t think you’re in it. I said why wouldn’t I be and he said well no one mentioned your name.

I’ve had a hard week with some really bad family news so I’m not sure if this has tipped me over the edge because I’m emotional but it’s really upset me. It’s not about having a present, I’m an adult and can afford to buy what I want but I feel so left out. We are spending Xmas day with his family so they’d all be exchanging gifts and I’d have nothing. And I’m more hurt that DP didn’t just say ‘oh yeah what about Brent’.

As I said it’s not about actually having a gift it’s more the feeling of being totally left out and suddenly feeling like I’m not seen as part of the family. I’m really hurt 😢

Anyway AIBU?

OP posts:
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 26/10/2021 03:30

I think, if my sister in law mentioned that her family do a secret Santa which is just for her siblings and no one else gets gifts, I might take it as a subtle hint that she didn’t want to bother with presents any more.

TheFairyCaravan · 26/10/2021 03:33

YANBU I”d be going somewhere else on Christmas Day

Catflapkitkat · 26/10/2021 03:53

If you told the sister and she took the idea MAYBE they thought you were in your family's secret Santa and wouldn't want to be on another. But I agree with you - sitting there on the day without anything to open would be cringe.

Get your DP to add your name to the list pronto - it's still October plenty of wiggle room left in Santa's secret sack.

IMarchToADifferentDrummer · 26/10/2021 04:16

You don't sound, nor are you, pathetic at all. But your DP should have reminded his family that you'll be there, too, so should be included!
I don't understand, tho, why you have been left out if you & his family are such close friends. Has something happened to make them think you don't want to be involved anymore?
Give him a kick & tell him to get it sorted. Or maybe you could chat to whichever member of his family that you feel closest to, to ask if anything has changed?

Blinkingheckythump · 26/10/2021 04:27

Yanbu to be upset if you have been left out but I wonder if this is more a case of crossed wires/poor communication? Your dp said, your names not been mentioned right, not that you're not included? Perhaps your participation is assumed and that's why your name has not been mentioned? After all you mentioned to his sister that that's what your family do so she might have just assumed you'd be happy to be involved? Do you have a family group chat you can mention the SS on? Or message the sister and just ask how it's being arranged etc. It may shed light on if you're included

beautifulview · 26/10/2021 05:56

I would rethink your Christmas Day plans to be honest. It doesn’t sound as if they consider you a part of the family. There’s a lack of respect and consideration in all of this.

Sciurus83 · 26/10/2021 06:07

I don't think this is silly or daft at all, you don't need to minimise it your feelings are valid Flowers

Mikki77 · 26/10/2021 06:08

I would definitely feel left out.
All because he didn't want to do your families secret santa he's probably (wrongly) assumed that you wouldn't want to be a part of his. Tell he needs to sort this out and then ask him if he wants to take part in your families so again.

Geriatric1234 · 26/10/2021 06:16

I’d find that really upsetting. Why on Earth wouldn’t his family include you and WTAF is wrong with your partner not thinking to mention you when they didn’t??? He needs to resolve that or you need to make alternative plans for Xmas. No ducking way I’d sit there watching everyone open presents and get nothing. Fuuuuuuck that.

haveiahealthyheart · 26/10/2021 06:45

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

I think, if my sister in law mentioned that her family do a secret Santa which is just for her siblings and no one else gets gifts, I might take it as a subtle hint that she didn’t want to bother with presents any more.
This is a good point. Could she have interpreted it this way OP?
Original poster
Brentmeister · 26/10/2021 07:01

Thanks for the replies.

Yeah I have had a present off them since the first year we were together (this will be our 5th Christmas as a couple), always lovely presents. And they buy for DS as well. But this year they are just doing the secret Santa plus kids so DP will still be buying for all the kids.

I know it’s only silly secret Santa and honestly I’m not screaming the place down about it, I’m just hurt that I’ve been excluded. And I’m hurt that DP didn’t immediately think that I would want to be involved, I love giving presents and put so mulch thought into what I’m doing to get (which he knows). We didn’t speak at all last night after we argued about it. Well we didn’t argue but I made it clear I was upset then came to bed. Which is stupid there’s more important things happening in life but it’s really really annoyed me. I’ll speak to him again tonight, I don’t even want to do it now but I need him to know it’s hurtful

OP posts:
Wintermagic · 26/10/2021 07:02

So did he expect you to just sit there, on Christmas (that you can’t even spend with your son), and watch the others have fun? How cruel.

Wintermagic · 26/10/2021 07:05

And also hurtful that he doesn’t get why you are upset. After this many years, he really should know you better and know that of course you would want to join in.

Cadent · 26/10/2021 07:05

Yanbu, the fact that he would rather act all offended and go up to bed rather than consider that you will be left out at Christmas with his family is worrying.

Could you spend Christmas with your family instead?

Cadent · 26/10/2021 07:06

And I wouldn’t be giving him any more present ideas for his family in future. Let him sort it out.

Roselilly36 · 26/10/2021 07:08

I get how you feel, I would feel the same. Sorry you were upset.

Pandaly · 26/10/2021 07:10

Maybe it will be a joint gift for the two of you?

Or just don't go and find something else to do?

maternitycoat · 26/10/2021 07:11

Id be so happy to be left out of the in-laws secret santa.

Just be grateful!

Pandaly · 26/10/2021 07:12

Spend the money you would have spent on something nice for yourself

pelosi · 26/10/2021 07:22

@maternitycoat

Id be so happy to be left out of the in-laws secret santa.

Just be grateful!

Just be grateful to be the only one without a present?
Jumpingintochristmas · 26/10/2021 07:23

I would feel hurt by this. I would feel foolish say there on Christmas Day too. I’m really sorry you are having such a rough time snd hope your DP steps up.

sbhydrogen · 26/10/2021 07:25

Oh man, I'd be so upset. Your DP is a doughnut for not thinking about you. I also think it's pretty crap that because you're not married you're not automatically included in things like this. Especially so as you know and get on with his sister, and spend the day together about once a month. I'd get your DP to initialise another draw asap.

KTheGrey · 26/10/2021 07:26

My family does White Elephant (secret Santa with stealing). And we include everybody which has meant finding extra spare gifts in the kitchen sometimes, because the point is not so much what you get as that gifts are exchanged between everybody. It's rubbish to have nothing to open. I think your DP is bang out of order, and it is not too late for you to be written into the Secret Santa. Or book a nice week in Tenerife.

sbhydrogen · 26/10/2021 07:26

@maternitycoat

Id be so happy to be left out of the in-laws secret santa.

Just be grateful!

Grateful for what? A shit Christmas?

🙄🙄🙄

rjacksmiss · 26/10/2021 07:30

Ooh noo! That's rotten. I'd definitely be pissed off at my DP too. It was up to him to make sure you're included. That's like a double wammy of hurt!

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