Am I right to feel left out- secret Santa related

[Brentmeister]

Name changed for this as maybe outing.

I’ve been with my DP for nearly 4 years. Get on really well with each other’s family, see his siblings/partners/nephews regularly and get on well. Meet his sister for a coffee now and again and have baby sat for the kids a couple of times. We get on well and see eachother for a full day maybe once a month.

In my family we do secret Santa for the adults (budget £30-£40) and don’t buy kids as there’s too many, they have enough stuff and it’s just a waste. We’ve done it for a few years and it’s worked well. I’ve always asked him if he wants to be in it but he’s said no which is fine, it’s all women in our secret Santa and I get why he doesn’t want to be in it.

However him and his 3 siblings have always brought for each other + kids. As more kids have been born (5 nephews and I have one son, we have none together) it’s obviously gets dearer. Last week I saw one of his sister in laws (all his siblings are married except one who’s due to be married in january) and mentioned this is what we do in my family.

So fast forward to tonight. I’m browsing online and see a present perfect for one of his brothers. I show him and he agrees but then says ‘we are doing secret Santa this year’ I said oh right I wonder who’ll I get and he said oh I don’t think you’re in it. I said why wouldn’t I be and he said well no one mentioned your name.

I’ve had a hard week with some really bad family news so I’m not sure if this has tipped me over the edge because I’m emotional but it’s really upset me. It’s not about having a present, I’m an adult and can afford to buy what I want but I feel so left out. We are spending Xmas day with his family so they’d all be exchanging gifts and I’d have nothing. And I’m more hurt that DP didn’t just say ‘oh yeah what about Brent’.

As I said it’s not about actually having a gift it’s more the feeling of being totally left out and suddenly feeling like I’m not seen as part of the family. I’m really hurt 😢

Anyway AIBU?

Does he usually sign presents from just him, or from Him+You?

He doesn’t want to be part of your family by being part of yours and doesn’t want you to be part of his family by being part of his.
I would let him know that you see Christmas Day as family time and as you no longer feel he wants you to be part of his family then you should go to yours.

How was the secret Santa planned? Were they all together? Over text?

I think as you have mentioned that this is all down to you not considered as family as you are not married or going to be married.

Worse of all that you are not considered as family even to your Dp.

Or that despite years of coming up with good suggestions as to what to buy every one your Dh thinks you would despise anything to do with SS or you aren’t actually invited to Christmas dinner as it is “family” by blood or marriage/soon to be marriage only.

I think you have 2 choices
Either I would not be embarrassing myself going to the Christmas dinner and have it with your family or on your own or you go to the Christmas dinner and draw attention to the fact you aren’t considered as family.

home2012 that's what jumped out at me. Op has said that her DP always buys the presents from her and him for his family. So l can see why he would consider them one entity when it comes to present buying so just presumed only needed be included as a couple/one person.
Otherwise as you say OP would have buy a separate present or DP buy one from him and one from her, if he usually buys them.
Also my guess is the SIL who OP gave the idea too will be the one that went back and suggested it so l imagine it would be her that didn't include OP either deliberately or just thought as OP did one with just her family that she should do one with just hers.
Also complicated by fact DP isn't included in OPs albeit by choice, this would further make the SIL think theirs should be same. Or could all be malicious and deliberate from SIL. Only OP knows if there's any underlying current of any kind there.

@Polmuggle

Hang on a sec, have I got this right?

Every year they get you a present.

But you never get them one? DP does and you suggest ideas, but he pays for it and it's from him?

In which case, surely that's the problem?

Is this it?

I'd be hurt too. For the sake of making Christmas better than you fear I'd ask to be added and move forwards. He won't make the mistake again. It was a dick move on his part for sure.

I wonder if he's told them not to include you as he's not included in your family's secret santa.

You aren’t overreacting at all. There is no way I would go anywhere near his family for Christmas or have any gift suggestions for him if he doesn’t take steps to fix this, I’d rather poke my eyes out with needles.

@Polmuggle

Hang on a sec, have I got this right?

Every year they get you a present.

But you never get them one? DP does and you suggest ideas, but he pays for it and it's from him?

In which case, surely that's the problem?

No, you haven't got it right.

a) they don't get her a present every year
b) Every year she chooses their persents and they are sent from her DP, OP and OP's son

She pays for the presents for her family, he pays for the presents for his family.

DH's family do a secret Santa (£5 present) where we all buy something worth £5 for every member of his family. We included DH's DSis' now wife when they got together and other DSis' boyfriend, who's no longer on the scene. They're a very close family and wouldn't dream of not including even a new partner.

Maybe he didn't want to include you in his family secret Santa because he chose not to be included in yours. Some people see presents as an obligation rather than a bit of fun so he might have assumed he was doing you a favour.

Jeez, it's still two months away. He just needs to tell them to include you. Or why not start a Christmas Planning whatsapp group with all the adults who will be together on the day and mention it in there?

It sounds like his is the sort of family where if you're not married or even engaged, you aren't going to be considered one of them in the same way as the other married siblings' DPs. Maybe think about whether you're really OK with that before you commit to buying a house together without a ring on your finger!

Id tell him that its really awkward now as youre supposed to go there for xmas but if youll be the only one empty handed its pretty mean and hardly makes you feel included

@HoardingSamphireSaurus

OP says:

Yeah I have had a present off them since the first year we were together (this will be our 5th Christmas as a couple), always lovely presents. And they buy for DS as well. But this year they are just doing the secret Santa plus kids so DP will still be buying for all the kids.

But you don’t usually buy them presents? Your partner puts your name on the present he buys and you don’t have joint finances. They buy for you and your son and you don’t give them anything usually. Before moving in together and joining finances I think it’s more usual to buy separate presents. As you only buy one present for your family I’d presume you’re not keen on buying presents but I agree it would be polite to ask anyone at the Christmas dinner whether they want to be involved

[quote lughnasadh]@HoardingSamphireSaurus

OP says:

Yeah I have had a present off them since the first year we were together (this will be our 5th Christmas as a couple), always lovely presents. And they buy for DS as well. But this year they are just doing the secret Santa plus kids so DP will still be buying for all the kids.[/quote]
Oooh! I have had a present off them since the first year we were together I read that quite differently the first time round. My apologies

In a later post OP explains that the presents her dp gives are form him, her and her DS. DP will be paying for them but they are from all of them, as a family unit.

But you don’t usually buy them presents? Your partner puts your name on the present he buys and you don’t have joint finances. They buy for you and your son and you don’t give them anything usually ... As you only buy one present for your family I’d presume you’re not keen on buying presents

Can you not see the contradiction there?

Her DP buys for his sibs, their partners and kids, presents are from him, OP and her DS.

His family buy for their sibs, kids, incl OP and her DS - who knows who pays, who cares?

In her family the rules of Christmas are different. Nobody in DPs family are affected by that!

Sadly I think your dp will dig his heels in here and keep you out of the ss. He won't be admitting your feelings are valid anytime soon.
He won't admit he has goofed up.

Absolutely not being unreasonable! I'd be really hurt too.
I hope your partner has just got it mixed up and you are actually included. If not, I'd be telling him he can shove his family Christmas up his arse!

I wouldn't go on Christmas Day and I would have nothing further to do with this. Your DP can source his own presents for his family; nothing to do with you and do not even suggest anything.

This is cruel. It is Christmas. I wouldn't let a stranger sit there and be the only one not to open anything let alone my partner! Could you go elsewhere this year? Maybe you have a girlfriend to spend the day with?

@Brentmeister I have no real advice, sorry but I just wanted to say pretty much the exact same thing happened to me a few years ago (not being included in my long term partner’s family secret Santa)

It’s been years since that happened and I’m still very sad about it. Sorry as I said no real advice here but I just wanted to say that your feelings are valid. I was made to feel at the time that I was imagining things (I was not…)

Best to have a chat with your DP. Just be honest about how you feel and ask honesty from him too. Hopefully he genuinely hasn’t thought about it and not purposely left you out x

As they would normally buy for you and they are still including all the other partners it does sound like a bit of a mistake. I doubt it would be deliberate as you say you would normally be included.

Careless of what people say it would be awkward on the day if they are not swapping presents in advance and doing it face to face. As no one knows who has who they wouldn't even realise their mistake until the time comes.

DP just needs to casually mention you haven't got someone to buy for so he thinks you've been missed out can they redraw. If everyone has brought their presents just make a joke and buy your own secret Santa and pop it in the pile.
Is it possible they would still buy for you and DS anyway and are expecting gifts in return?

If his family is as welcoming as you say, I’m wondering what would be their reaction if you are at theirs at Christmas and everyone bar you has a present.
Or when they ask you how secret Santa has gone and you say you weren’t included….

I’m surprised that the sibling thought ‘your name wasn’t mentioned’ was enough of an explanation to not include you and I’d wonder what y9r DP has actually said to them….

I think you're tight accepting presents from his family but not giving a penny towards theirs. Who would pay for your ss present ?

@ElevenSmiles

I think you're tight accepting presents from his family but not giving a penny towards theirs. Who would pay for your ss present ?

I was just wondering about this.

So Op & partner give gifts between them but are given individually?