Am I right to feel left out- secret Santa related

[Brentmeister]

Name changed for this as maybe outing.

I’ve been with my DP for nearly 4 years. Get on really well with each other’s family, see his siblings/partners/nephews regularly and get on well. Meet his sister for a coffee now and again and have baby sat for the kids a couple of times. We get on well and see eachother for a full day maybe once a month.

In my family we do secret Santa for the adults (budget £30-£40) and don’t buy kids as there’s too many, they have enough stuff and it’s just a waste. We’ve done it for a few years and it’s worked well. I’ve always asked him if he wants to be in it but he’s said no which is fine, it’s all women in our secret Santa and I get why he doesn’t want to be in it.

However him and his 3 siblings have always brought for each other + kids. As more kids have been born (5 nephews and I have one son, we have none together) it’s obviously gets dearer. Last week I saw one of his sister in laws (all his siblings are married except one who’s due to be married in january) and mentioned this is what we do in my family.

So fast forward to tonight. I’m browsing online and see a present perfect for one of his brothers. I show him and he agrees but then says ‘we are doing secret Santa this year’ I said oh right I wonder who’ll I get and he said oh I don’t think you’re in it. I said why wouldn’t I be and he said well no one mentioned your name.

I’ve had a hard week with some really bad family news so I’m not sure if this has tipped me over the edge because I’m emotional but it’s really upset me. It’s not about having a present, I’m an adult and can afford to buy what I want but I feel so left out. We are spending Xmas day with his family so they’d all be exchanging gifts and I’d have nothing. And I’m more hurt that DP didn’t just say ‘oh yeah what about Brent’.

As I said it’s not about actually having a gift it’s more the feeling of being totally left out and suddenly feeling like I’m not seen as part of the family. I’m really hurt 😢

Anyway AIBU?

[Brentmeister]

No I’m not bothered about being married, one day yes but I’m in no real rush.

@HaveringWavering yes

[PersonaNonGarter]

Is there a chance you are in denial about the marriage thing OP?

Cos this is about status in the family and your DH’s understanding of it and you aren’t Family-Family cos you aren’t married?

[Viviennemary]

I thought you said you didn't buy for his family because there were too many of them and he isn't included in your family's secret santa. But if there is more to it than this like you want to get married and he is stalling then thats something else. But I couldn't really get worked up about adults secret santas its a bit daft. IMHO.

[Brentmeister]

No I don’t think I’m bothered about not being married, I’ve been married before and have no burning desire to me married again but as all of his siblings are married/getting married I do wonder if that’s the reason I’m not included? I’ve literally never given it a seconds thought until today (my ‘status’ in the family’ as I’ve always had a lovely relationship with them all.

Hes always brought for his family and it’s Been a present from DP, me and my DS. My family don’t buy presents for eachother now apart from the adult secret Santa which he’s been asked if he wants to take part in and he’s said no.

[Brentmeister]

And I agree it is a bit daft and as I said before, it’s not actually about recieving/not receiving a gift it’s more the feeling of being left out for some reason

[cstaff]

You're right op. It is not about the money. It is just about someone in the family putting a bit of thought and effort into a present for you and definitely not excluding anyone, married or otherwise. Hopefully your dp realises that he has messed up and will try to rectify this.

If what you say is correct and that he is not normally like this he should some effort into putting things right.

[Honeyroar]

@HaveringWavering

Bloody hell it’s not even Halloween yet. Are people really organising this stuff already?

Yes I completely agree, however since they are arranging it and OP is expected to attend but not be a part of the present giving I can see why she’s upset. I’d not want to go either- especially with a partner who is not able to understand and is now sulking. Red flag, I’d say.

[whatsmyusername]

Would you both normally buy for his siblings' partners/Wives/husbands and they you?

If you & DP would normally buy for them and them for you then this is strange. If he normally buys for sibling and wives etc but they don't buy for you nothing has changed (although it probably should based on your relationship now).

It is a bit strange though but I would think there is nothing malicious they just haven't thought or DP just said you would be interested without thinking. Best to speak to him and tell him how you feel.

[whatsmyusername]

*DP just said you wouldn't be interested without thinking

[steff13]

I literally don’t know why I’m not included, he seems astounded that I was upset by it and said ‘well (sisters fiance) isn’t included’ and I said that’s because he’d rather cut of his eyelids then do anything like this which he knows is true.

That's why you think he wasn't included but maybe he was actually not included because they're not married. You're not married, so you weren't included. The people who are married were included.

[1forAll74]

It's a bit childish to get upset about such things as this.

[honeyrider]

I literally don’t know why I’m not included, he seems astounded that I was upset by it and said ‘well (sisters fiance) isn’t included’ and I said that’s because he’d rather cut of his eyelids then do anything like this which he knows is true.

The fact he's astounded that you're upset and as he hasn't immediately apologised for not speaking up to make sure you were included when it was being organised and by the looks of it he doesn't seem to have tried to get you included once you told him how upset you are over it is very telling.

In fact mentioning his sister's fiance not being included is just showing he doesn't have a problem with you sitting there on Christmas day watching the rest of them exchanging presents. I'd be letting him know his attitude over it is off and you'll go elsewhere for Christmas Day.

[Rogue1001]

You are categorically right to feel left out 💐

[DriftingBlue]

@HaveringWavering

Bloody hell it’s not even Halloween yet. Are people really organising this stuff already?

Many of us like to have our shopping done by the end of November. That is hard to do if plans aren’t made in October.




Op, I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to sit there while everyone else exchanged gifts. When he got his pairing, his first question should have been about your match and when there wasn’t one he should have insisted it be fixed.

[LaurenKelsey]

Do you think his family thought you were already participating in a Secret Santa exchange so they didn’t want to burden you with another? That’s one possibility. I can’t blame you for being upset.

[StoppinBy]

It's not childish at all to feel upset about this, adults are allowed to be hurt too.

I would also think that the man who has been left out has likely been left out for the same reason as you, not just because he wouldn't want to take part.

My DH wouldn't just stand by and not say anything if I was left out like this so I struggle to see how your husband could not even consider this to be a problem.

[User983590521]

Have they given you Xmas gifts in the past? If so, you should be included in the secret santa.
If not, it's not so surprising that you were left out.

[Derbee]

I think he reasonably assumed that because he’s not included in your family secret Santa, you’re not included in his family secret Santa. I don’t think you need to overreact, just tell him that you’d prefer to be included

[Iwonder08]

Gosh, you are overreacting. He will most certainly buy you a Xmas present so you will have something top open on Xmas day. You seem seriously over invested in the being a part of the family and trying too hard. It doesn't mean they don't like you, it is just a silly secret santa.

[FortunesFave]

Message his sister or whoever's organising it and ask! Just say "Can I be in please or I'm going to be Johnny no present on Christmas day!"

[FortunesFave]

@Iwonder08

Gosh, you are overreacting. He will most certainly buy you a Xmas present so you will have something top open on Xmas day. You seem seriously over invested in the being a part of the family and trying too hard. It doesn't mean they don't like you, it is just a silly secret santa.

Well if it's "Just a silly secret Santa" then why would it matter if OP joined in? It wouldn't!

[Werehamster]

They probably just assumed as you were in your family secret Santa, that you wouldn't want to be in two. I don't think it's a big deal, just ask if you can join in.

I'm sorry for your problems though. It sounds like you've had a hard time of things

[Mummyoflittledragon]

YANBU
I would ask your dp how he intends to resolve you not having a present to open on Christmas Day. After all he can always buy you another gift….

[WTF475878237NC]

We only include wives and husbands in our SS too because some people really wouldn't know what to get the girlfriend of a relative they don't see that often. It's not personal or an insult.

[WTF475878237NC]

And it would be up to the partner to ensure there was something to open!