Am I right to feel left out- secret Santa related

[Brentmeister]

Name changed for this as maybe outing.

I’ve been with my DP for nearly 4 years. Get on really well with each other’s family, see his siblings/partners/nephews regularly and get on well. Meet his sister for a coffee now and again and have baby sat for the kids a couple of times. We get on well and see eachother for a full day maybe once a month.

In my family we do secret Santa for the adults (budget £30-£40) and don’t buy kids as there’s too many, they have enough stuff and it’s just a waste. We’ve done it for a few years and it’s worked well. I’ve always asked him if he wants to be in it but he’s said no which is fine, it’s all women in our secret Santa and I get why he doesn’t want to be in it.

However him and his 3 siblings have always brought for each other + kids. As more kids have been born (5 nephews and I have one son, we have none together) it’s obviously gets dearer. Last week I saw one of his sister in laws (all his siblings are married except one who’s due to be married in january) and mentioned this is what we do in my family.

So fast forward to tonight. I’m browsing online and see a present perfect for one of his brothers. I show him and he agrees but then says ‘we are doing secret Santa this year’ I said oh right I wonder who’ll I get and he said oh I don’t think you’re in it. I said why wouldn’t I be and he said well no one mentioned your name.

I’ve had a hard week with some really bad family news so I’m not sure if this has tipped me over the edge because I’m emotional but it’s really upset me. It’s not about having a present, I’m an adult and can afford to buy what I want but I feel so left out. We are spending Xmas day with his family so they’d all be exchanging gifts and I’d have nothing. And I’m more hurt that DP didn’t just say ‘oh yeah what about Brent’.

As I said it’s not about actually having a gift it’s more the feeling of being totally left out and suddenly feeling like I’m not seen as part of the family. I’m really hurt 😢

Anyway AIBU?

[Franacropan1]

I wonder if they thought that your partners present would just be a joint present - but then surely all the other couples would be joint too.
Presumably he's been given someone's name - let him choose it, buy it, wrap it himself.
I know what you mean about the not married thing. I've been with my partner for 33 years and his mother still refers to me as her “ daughter in law even though she's not really”. When I was in her bubble and looking after her when she was shielding I'd look around and ask where all her real daughter in laws were then? 😀
Hope you still have a good Christmas, just let it wash over you if you can. They will realise their error on the day and probably be mortified.

[Mothership4two]

YANBU you are part of the family (married or not) and leaving someone out especially on Christmas day is naff and unkind. As someone said ask who you will be getting. If they repeat that you are not included, I would, ask why not and let them know you are upset about it. Or let DP know you are upset and ask him to sort it out (if you don't think he'd do it off his own back?).

I have a SIL who used to buy her siblings partners lesser presents than the siblings. It makes you feel a bit crap. As you say, it's not the present, it's the thoughtlessness and to be somehow thought of as lesser. Fortunately they now do secret Santa

[jwpetal]

You have repeatedly put yourself down for feeling this way. Your feelings are valid and you have a right to feel upset. It also changes the light on how he sees you in relation to family. This is worth a conversation about respect for you as his partner.

[KingaBee]

@Bb16103

Surely the only reason they’ve done this is because of the other fiancée not being included -what I mean is if they add you it’s an odd number & someone would have to buy 2 secret Santa’s?
They obviously think a lot of you if you spend a lot of time with them & have had thoughtful gifts from them in the past, but it’s still really quite mean though. & very thoughtless. I’d not stand for my SIL being left out, it’s really not nice.

That’s… that’s not how Secret Santa works… what makes you think you need an even number of people??

You can do a secret Santa with 3 people even

Sarah buys a present for Dave, Dave buys a present for Ben, Ben buy a present for Sarah (obviously with 3 people it won’t really be that secret but the system is the same).

[Fleshmechanic]

With that dialogue they would have to admit you'd been forgotten or lie and quickly include you. It definitely fucking sucks and is ridiculous but people can be super rude and inconsiderate for no reason.

[Fleshmechanic]

Message the member of his family you're closest to or whoever is organising it (there's always a top member of the family who organises everything) tomorrow and say like Hey DP mentioned there was a secret santa but I haven't heard about this! Who am I getting, because I'm gonna be Christmas shopping soon! And then go from there.

[pelosi]

@Suzanne999

Makes you wonder what goes on in men’s heads sometimes, doesn’t it?

I think you’ll have to tell him it’ll be very odd all the significant others being included and not you and you want to buy a gift for someone ( I think you have to state the whole thing so he’ll follow it)
I’m not saying your DP is stupid ( sorry if I come across a bit blunt)—- it’s just their emotional intelligence isn’t always fine tuned.

I think saying it’s a man thing normalises it.

There is no way my DH would stand for me being excluded like this. He would speak up and if that didn’t work, he would decline the invite.

[itsallgoingpearshaped]

I'd actually pull out of going and go to my own family's Christmas celebration ... and I'd make it clear to him why.

[Suzanne999]

Makes you wonder what goes on in men’s heads sometimes, doesn’t it?

I think you’ll have to tell him it’ll be very odd all the significant others being included and not you and you want to buy a gift for someone ( I think you have to state the whole thing so he’ll follow it)
I’m not saying your DP is stupid ( sorry if I come across a bit blunt)—- it’s just their emotional intelligence isn’t always fine tuned.

[Laurie000]

I’d buy them all a little present to open on Xmas day. Nothing expensive, but enough to shame them all for leaving you out of the secret Santa.

[Langpants]

OP, sorry to hear you're having a tough time with family news. It's sure to exacerbate the hurt you're feeling with the way your DP and his family are behaving. I really hope they realise what they've done and rectify it quick sharp.

I have a suggestion for Christmas Day. (I'm petty/passive aggressive and competitive 😂) I would spend double the budget (and maybe a bit more!) on a kick-ass present for myself and slip it under the tree from Secret Santa. Think something that they would all love to receive (you're good at that) and give it to yourself! They will wonder why you have a gift and if they ask, just say as they left you out this year, you thought you would treat yourself. Guaranteed they won't say anything and will be suitably ashamed of themselves for leaving you out of the festivities.

You're not being silly at all. They've been prats. x

[TwoLeftSocksWithHoles]

Buy yourself something very expensive, that you have always wanted, wrap it up and open on Christmas Day and say
"Oh that's fantastic! I've always wanted this. Thank you so much, whoever it was. That's made my Christmas"
No one is going to say "But I thought we had excluded you?"

[Bb16103]

Surely the only reason they’ve done this is because of the other fiancée not being included -what I mean is if they add you it’s an odd number & someone would have to buy 2 secret Santa’s?
They obviously think a lot of you if you spend a lot of time with them & have had thoughtful gifts from them in the past, but it’s still really quite mean though. & very thoughtless. I’d not stand for my SIL being left out, it’s really not nice.

[LittleDandelionClock]

@TheFairyCaravan

YANBU I”d be going somewhere else on Christmas Day

This. You need to tell your DP to sort this @Brentmeister If you are a really serious couple, then surely to God you should be able to talk to him about this. If you do talk to him and he says he can't/won't do anything about it, I would be staying home Christmas day. I can't fathom at ALL^ why he has left you out tbh.


As @GroggyLegssaid, it does seem odd to be excluded all of a sudden, after 4 years of being included. Could you talk to someone else in the family about it Brentmeister ?

And who the fuck is voting for YABU? Is it the same posters who are saying 'how childish to be getting upset about this?!' What a horrible thing to say; the OP is clearly very hurt and upset.

And as for the 'why are people talking about this stuff now, it's not even Halloween' brigade. Just bore off with your judgy smugness.

It's only 8 weeks FFS. Some people have jobs/careers, and families and friends, and some people work and do different shift patterns, and it can take quite a lot of effort to organise all the Christmas stuff.

There are a few stories on here (on this thread and on this website,) of people in long-term-relationships being excluded from things involving their partner's family. This is a sad, but predictable symptom of being a couple and not being married. Sadly, the family (on both sides) will often not think of someone's partner as 'family.'

I am also sorry to hear you have had bad news Brentmeister Hope it isn't too awful.

[fourandnomore]

We used to do this and it was all siblings and partners and our mum and dad and they’re not even together! I’d be really hurt too, marriage does not mean you’re more or less of a partner. I’m so sorry they’ve treated you like that. Sorry you’ve had bad news too, I hope your week gets happier.

[ittakes2]

I am very confused - they don't buy you a present now and you don't feel left out - but if they do secret santa and buy you a present you will feel left out?
We do this game where everyone brings one wrapped present each. The oldest chooses a present and unwraps it, the second eldest chooses a present and unwraps it - if they prefer the first present opened they can make that person swap. And so it goes down to the youngest which means if kids are involved and open an adult present, they can make an adult swap their present with them.

[LadyTiredWinterBottom2]

Your DP should have made sure you were included.

I think l would make alternative Christmas arrangements.

[Carriecakes80]

He's probably pissed because he perhaps now realises he IS in the wrong, and no-one likes to have faults pointed out, and this is a big ball drop here for him, especially if its not normal. If it was me, I would go and talk to him, I can't let the sun set on an argument, it has to be sorted there n then, but like the others have said, explain how hurt you'll be sat there on Christmas day with nothing while everyone is fawning over each others gifts. Hope you get it sorted. x

[Beautiful3]

They did leave you out. That's not nice. It's easily rectified by a text, your husband could send, to include Brent. Why isn't he doing that?!

[chesirecat99]

I can totally understand why you feel hurt but I can also see his point of view too.

He isn't included in your family Secret Santa, so it is fair and even not to include you and unfair to him if you are in both Secret Santas and he is only in one. It also makes it difficult if the only other unmarried partner in his family isn't included so this seems like a simple, fair and logical solution...

Presumably his family don't know that you invited him to join your Secret Santa, so they just see it as doing the same as your family.

[Fernticket]

OP. I would show your DP this thread. It will give him food for thought.
@Pigflewpast.
I couldn't agree more. Well said

[TonkinLenkicks]

So you’ll be going for Christmas and they all be exchanging gifts and you’ll be sat there like a lemon? I agree that it’s pretty shit. Surely if they’re doing secret Santa it should be for everyone who’s going to be there. I think it’s hurtful too.

[cherish123]

I am not sure why they don't do siblings only.

[cherish123]

Not sure why you would be included. The reason the siblings' other halves are is because they are married.

[Idreamofpizza]

If your DP is anything like my DH he will just have seen it in terms of how he feels about it. He's not bothered about being involved in your family's secret santa so he won't expect you to be bothered about being in his. Things like the fact he was offered the choice and who else is taking part won't have been thought through at all