Pretty privilege - do you have it?

[BlueSparklesss]

Certain studies show that being conventionally attractive is linked to more favourable outcomes from a jury, which made me a bit

But I suppose in another way, it's not really that surprising.

I definitely don't have pretty privilege myself (am a bog standard, perfectly normal looking woman - don't hate myself or anything) and don't really think about my looks often.

However, as a teenager I was mortified by how 'ugly' I was, and the world definitely felt more brutal because I was not attractive. It does make me sad that I was so brainwashed by patriarchal norms at such a young age, that it really affected self esteem. And that's with good female role models who always praised the things I was good at.

What are your thoughts? I think it would be interesting to hear if anyone has experienced both sides - of feeling 'pretty' and also feeling dismissed as 'not pretty' at a different time in their life?

Sometimes on MN you read about women who are traffic-stoppingly good looking, people falling over themselves to help etc etc. I find this fascinating! What must that be like?

Yes, if I'm honest, I still use my looks to get what I want. I don't do it consciously. I'm just aware that a friendly manner gets better results

Dh says I do. I generally am just quite a nice person and feel like people are nice in return. He thinks I’m just being naive, I just have quite a rosey view of the world.
I was pretty as a young woman. I’m not pretty now although I’m still a nice person and can charm people into doing things I want them to and people are nice back. I do do things for others too of course!!

Bizarrely I'm not attracted to very good looking men. I mean I can appreciate the beauty, I see it, but I find men with faces that have character more appealing.

I didn't think I was attractive when I was young, but now I'm in my 40s and don't have it any more, I realise I did. I never bought a drink in a club from when I was 17-21 when I met now DH. I just used to get bought them by men who fancied their chances. This was before the days where we worried about spiking drinks.

I could look around the clubs and decide which boy I wanted to kiss on the dance floor and nine times out of ten, I did.

Thing is, I thought this was so weird because at school I got no male attention whatsoever. I wonder if it was because I was so slim that I looked about ten in school uniform, but in nightclubs I had push up bras and lycra 😂

My DD is absolutely stunning and she definitely gets a LOT of attention. I'm not sure it's a good thing 🙁

I think I did, in a way. I was very striking when I was younger (tall, slim, blonde, big boobs), and could charm my way into things. However, I often didn't feel it was a benefit to me. Firstly I looked a lot older than my age and was fending off regular male attention from the age of 11. I had to develop some defense mechanisms that took me a long time to unlearn as I got older and got me a reputation as being quite cold. It often wasn't from very nice men and I also learned that if someone was nice to me it wasn't because they actually liked me, it was because they fancied me and when they found out it wasn't going to happen they would drop me like a stone. Made it quite hard to trust men. Also, usually the men I actually really liked were not interested in me, so I ended up with a lot of unsuitable people for a while until I met DH.

I have benefited from physical confidence, for sure and I still scrub up ok in my mid-40s (although I don't attract attention anymore) so I'm not complaining, but it isn't all roses.

Literally every post on this thread is about how we were all fabulous when we were younger and we have lost our looks in middle age. But isn't that what youth is? It is a very potent mix of hormones, a fresh attitude and a body that is at the prime of its mating prowess. These things combine to make us beautiful or attractive.

There was a saying when I grew up "Even a donkey is beautiful when it is a little colt"- it was more alliterative and slightly rude in my language but you get the gist What I am trying to say is we probably all had "pretty privilege" growing up when we were bursting with youth and a dewy complexion. Needn't even have been show stoppingly beautiful.

Not all of us recognised it, that's a different issue.

A truly handsome man who is say 60+ or an old beautiful woman are rarely spotted unicorns. And if they have a "pretty privilege" all power to them!

What I am trying to say is we probably all had "pretty privilege" growing up when we were bursting with youth and a dewy complexion. Needn't even have been show stoppingly beautiful.

I realise you qualified it with 'probably' but as is clear from some of the posts, we didn't all have it. Yes, we value youthful looks. However, I was mocked for being ugly up until my late teens. I was then viewed as hot. I don't think I was ever really seen as beautiful, but definitely as hot. What I realised from that is how we judge attraction is very shallow indeed.

Agree with you @BertramLacey- it is indeed all very shallow. And really sad to hear about your childhood experiences.

I have also never been called beautiful. People say I'm very stylish or very well put together. I'm happier about that because at least it shows I have agency. It is MY thoughts that have translated into this style. And not some random throw of the beauty genetic dice.

Literally every post on this thread is about how we were all fabulous when we were younger and we have lost our looks in middle age.

No, it isn't. You mustn't have read the full thread. Many of us have come on to say that we were never attractive even in our youth.

There are also posts from some people who say they are better looking now than in their youth.

DH tells me I’m pretty when I smile (I tend to look a bit miserable when I’m not). I do smile when I’m talking to people, and it does make a difference.

I think it is mistake in many women’s thinking that we be perceived as beautiful or attractive when we are… young and beautiful and attractive

At 50, I can actually say I get hit on most when I’m vulnerable. Not hot or pretty. But vulnerable. Latest example was being hit on by a random guy at my sports club when my mum had just died and I was feeling fragile … it made me realise I get chatted up by men when I feel a bit fragile, vulnerable or drunk….

These things I have learned with age…

Men fancy all ages. Sizes snd levels of beauty. What really cinches it is if a woman looks “weak” (fragile. vulnerable, drunk, lost etc.)

I think women are worried about the wrong thing

We all ARE attractive, but are we “available “, “easy to persuade”…

Sorry if that is a bit dark

I think it's nothing to do with dark or vulnerable as we get older but it all hangs on bloody money.

I am fairly average looking and my weight was always up and down.

The only times I got this kind of attention were

1. the summer I died my hair blond
2. the summer I lost a ton of weight

I always envied pretty people and thought I wanted the attention but actually when I got it I didn't know what to do with it.

I do think being kind of on the pleasant side of average looking and not overweight probably helps with generic social interactions (and job interviews) but I think it's nothing that wouldn't be outweighed by a lot of confidence or an approachable / interesting personality.

Most women here saying they are or were only average looking and associating beauty with being young - I think women usually think of themselves as less pretty than they are. OP, if you posted differently asking us about our pretty friends, you would hear a lot more about pretty women.

As an aside, ladies, 80% of your beauty comes from how confident you are. You can look beautiful at any age if you exude that confidence.

@donemeover Already posted but returning to this thread because of your comment.

Yes, I've heard this comment many a time. I am mixed ethnicity and have cousins that are black. When out, only the mixed ethnicity girls would get attention compared to my equally lovely black cousins. I never understood why until I was older really - colourism/racism.

I have had it many times said 'wow you're so pretty for a brown skinned girl/mixed girl' or 'wow your hair is lovely, I bet you're glad it's not any curlier!?' (3c)

Now I have a mixed ethnicity DD who is paler than me with 3a/3b hair, and I've had comments that wow she's beautiful and not too dark! And wow I bet you're so glad she didn't get full Afro hair. I call these comments out but they seem to sail right over peoples heads, as if they're incredulous that I wasn't thinking the same!

Same here! I am invisible now 🤣 you don’t realise you are treated differently till it stops do you? My daughter looks like a model and I see it happening to her, we go out for dinner and a table will be found while others have to wait in a queue, in a shop and she couldn’t find her bank card, I was literally standing next to her and trying to get my card out to pay and the person serving told her just to take them (was just some mints) forgot her travel pass, bus driver just allowed her on etc my niece is a couple of years older and pretty but more average pretty, and we’ve had discussions about how my daughter glides through life and my niece doesn’t, they can be together and my niece says she feels invisible too. It’s so weird watching it because at the time when it was happening to me I genuinely just thought the world was filled with nice people and on the odd occasion it goes against you (women are sometimes mean) you feel so unfairly treated! I’m glad I’m overweight and wild grey haired now :) I don’t miss it really, I feel I see people’s true colours now

I think you're right. I've never been stunning, but I have been very overweight and a bit overweight.

At very overweight no one would help with anything. In my job I rely on a lot of enablement from other people, I manage several different teams a week, I also get chosen to be part of people's teams.

It was very hard to do my job because no one would lend me a hand.

Now, 9 stone lighter, I'm still big but I look normal fat, people will make more time for me.
People are nicer, kinder. It's really strange to see the difference for someone who is visually more acceptable.

I just wonder what it would be like to be really stunning!

A lot of people saying when you're older, that's when you think your attractiveness fades (me included) I understand that, but I also agree that a lot does come down to confidence as well

I've seen stunning, beautiful older women. So I don't think it's a young thing. But being young, does carry most of the heavy load of "prettiness" without putting much effort in

I’ve always had a lot of swagger and one day got sick of being the ugly duckling. So I literally switched my beauty on when I was late teens and absolutely loved the attention. Everything’s easy and flying to you. You’re crossing a room and everyone’s watching and it’s like the path opens before you. I was well aware I had it and I have to be honest, I milked it for all its worth.

I’m not young anymore and have been focusing more on being a nice person and I dress down mostly (I think), the shit hot looks fade and I have no problem with that. I’m glad that randos in the street don’t hit on me anymore. I have a big smile and often get strangers comment and greet me in the streets in a friendly way (but then, I have a gorgeous dog now )

Pretty privilege is confidence.

And here’s the thing: every woman deserves to claim this worth. No matter age, body shape, skin tone, hair.

Honestly that is rubbish.

Yes I do. People like me very quickly and treat me well. I think I've been given opportunities I wouldn't have otherwise (jobs etc). Strangers help me a lot.

@MarleneDietrichsSmile

I think it is mistake in many women’s thinking that we be perceived as beautiful or attractive when we are… young and beautiful and attractive

At 50, I can actually say I get hit on most when I’m vulnerable. Not hot or pretty. But vulnerable. Latest example was being hit on by a random guy at my sports club when my mum had just died and I was feeling fragile … it made me realise I get chatted up by men when I feel a bit fragile, vulnerable or drunk….

These things I have learned with age…

Men fancy all ages. Sizes snd levels of beauty. What really cinches it is if a woman looks “weak” (fragile. vulnerable, drunk, lost etc.)

I think women are worried about the wrong thing

We all ARE attractive, but are we “available “, “easy to persuade”…

I concur. I'm only 34 now but was anorexic throughout much of my 20s and the lower my weight, the more wankers I attracted. They loved the vulnerable / crazy (I was wild then, I'm not saying that in an ableist way) / gobby / mistaking toxicity for passion / intensity = true love vibe knowing I actually was unwell. It was clear from my behaviour and my frame that was the case. A mixture of out and out arseholes and white Knight 'I'm a good guy!' types who all wouldn't have liked me after recovery despite proclaiming their love... saviour complex for some, control for others. That's definitely a thing.

I was chatted up all the time but by dickheads. The healthier I've been, the healthier the men I've attracted.

Now recovered, stable (thanks meds and therapy) and in a healthy, lovely, calm relationship.

I keep trying to comment on this thread again, but I catch sight of my own reflection in the phone screen,.and I fall into a lovesick trance.💔

I am slowly reading thru all this.

I dont know if I am pretty, as a child most adults thought I was a boy unfortunately not the local perv who grabbed at all the girls.

I think I was about 10 when I started growing boobs, then I got noticed as female and got attention I have always lived in jeans and tshirt, normally a leather jacket and hardly any make up, I have never been to a hairdresser.

but I think my 30FF boobs got attention, cars would slowdown and men would check me out, I have been sexually assaulted/pestered many times, I was home schooled, when I went to college I attracted pervs, I remember being in the bog once when 2 other classmates came in they talked about other people in class, one said about me, she's pretty with big boobs and big arse I hate her.

the second time I went to college a Muslim friend told me I should wear a hijab because then men wouldnt stare at me all the time in the street (i didn't even realise they did).

I cant say I have had any particular privilege, I have hardly ever been asked out except by random pervs in the street whom also offer me money for sex real gross men, apparently several men fancied me at work but didnt say anything, I was just told after by others when I was confused why they stopped talking to me when I got pregnant.

as for the father of my child whom is long gone, he was a extremely abusive and controlling arse who treated me like a trophy and everyone else around him was on the same wavelength, comments about him getting a good one there and punching above his weight etc, I am in my 40s now and that arse is still the only man thats ever properly asked me out on a date, he worked at a shop I frequented a lot.

I have not let myself go, in fact I am thinner then I was in my 20s and more athletic looking with abs etc, I have found I get gorked at even more now unashamedly because of my mask, its rather odd, I used to understand that stare like I've not noticed thing when I wore shades but not a mask you can see my eyes, I see you looking hello, very odd.

at 42 I still have no idea how people date or anything.