Pretty privilege - do you have it?

[BlueSparklesss]

Certain studies show that being conventionally attractive is linked to more favourable outcomes from a jury, which made me a bit

But I suppose in another way, it's not really that surprising.

I definitely don't have pretty privilege myself (am a bog standard, perfectly normal looking woman - don't hate myself or anything) and don't really think about my looks often.

However, as a teenager I was mortified by how 'ugly' I was, and the world definitely felt more brutal because I was not attractive. It does make me sad that I was so brainwashed by patriarchal norms at such a young age, that it really affected self esteem. And that's with good female role models who always praised the things I was good at.

What are your thoughts? I think it would be interesting to hear if anyone has experienced both sides - of feeling 'pretty' and also feeling dismissed as 'not pretty' at a different time in their life?

Sometimes on MN you read about women who are traffic-stoppingly good looking, people falling over themselves to help etc etc. I find this fascinating! What must that be like?

Hate to say it but yes it definitely is the case. I worked and earns a lot based purely on my looks and was let off multiple misdoings when younger such as speeding, not wearing seatbelt, having windows tinted and even not renewing my driving license (this was ages ago and generally forgot).

I would take that to mean your pictures were heavily filtered or looked 'shopped, like those on Insta.

They weren’t and didn’t look like they had been.

I always get told I look like 3 very good looking women famous women with ginger hair by randoms. I get chatted up when we are out, which DP thinks is hilarious, as I have the social skills of Borat/Larry David.

I do have a pretty face (but old and frowny) - when I do my make up/wear good clothes/dry my hair and someone puts a picture of me on FB people always comment on the way I look, and how I scrub up well and have a natural look, which means I look like a bag lady most of the time haha. I guess I do have that privilege because nobody has ever said anything negative about my looks (apart from me and DD who thinks my eyebrows are a travesty) so that in itself is a privilege isn't it?

@MarleneDietrichsSmile

I am not sure this loss of attention and attractiveness is true

Just wondering, but I find I just get chatted up by older men , right now at 50 I get chatted up by men in their sixties (not that I am looking for it) , but maybe it will stop soon when I am properly haggard

It doesn't stop. My Aunt is an ex model and although she is now in her 70s she's still very eye catching and beautiful. Since my Uncle passed away she's forever fending off other men's attentions - and some of the men are 20 years younger than her!

I had a boss once who had 'pretty privilege'. She was of average intelligence and reasonably competent, but no more so than some of her peers. But she was pretty and cute in an American cheerleader kind of way - all blonde hair and white teeth. It was an American company, and the big US bosses loved her. She got promoted with amazing regularity, and eventually got moved to HQ in the USA where I am sure she is living the American dream. I genuinely don't believe she would have achieved that without her looks.

I am below average in looks. I'm not overweight but my body and face are built in a slightly odd way. When I was younger, men would ignore me so completely that they would sometimes accidentally try to walk through me on their way to a more attractive woman. I did get married and I would say that my husband and I are reasonably happy at times; even so, at some point I realised that some of the problems my husband and I have are because he feels I should be grateful he deigns to be with me; he feels I didn't have other options so I should be grateful for whatever attention he chooses to give me. That was a surprise to me, but now that I understand the cause of the problems, it's actually much easier to deal with them.

I'm not sure I would want to be prettier now as my experiences with men have given me a rather low opinion of them? I just have less respect for men than I used to have. I think they don't really see women as people, and I think that's why they are so much nicer to attractive women: their nice behavior is motivated by ego and self-interest, not by any natural human kindness. Or maybe I just feel this way because of perimenopause. Hard to say.

Sorry to be cynical. I don't resent attractive women. If you have it, enjoy it without guilt!

I did get married and I would say that my husband and I are reasonably happy at times; even so, at some point I realised that some of the problems my husband and I have are because he feels I should be grateful he deigns to be with me; he feels I didn't have other options so I should be grateful for whatever attention he chooses to give me. That was a surprise to me, but now that I understand the cause of the problems, it's actually much easier to deal with them.
Same story here (only divorced now). It was quite a bitter pill to swallow.

I think I had 'hot/confident' privilege, for a while in my late teens/early 20s - I've got a decent-to-good face and great boobs, and I got a lot of attention from men and women. It was more in my attitude though, hence 'hot' rather than specifically 'pretty' - I came across as very confident, quite forward, and that self-confidence meant people kind of just went along with me whatever I suggested. My friend called it my mind control super power, because I could convince anyone of anything and people didn't tend to say no to me (and blagged us into some excellent upgrades on flights, hotels, gigs etc as a result of a big smile, some cleavage and confidence).

A nervous breakdown and a decade later, I've put a fair amount of weight on and don't have the same unshakeable self-confidence I once had - and the difference shows in how people treat me, although I suppose that's because how I behave is different.

My sister is stare-when-you-walk-past beautiful, she modelled for a while, and she really gets treated like some kind of immortal. She's had free MOTs because they just went "oh no, you're alright" when she tried to pay, a free holiday to New York because a rich businessman in a bar took a shine to her and lent her his apartment (he wasn't even going to be there, so not trying it on!), doors - literal and metaphorical - are opened wherever she goes.

It's actually quite fascinating to watch, and being around her on a trip somewhere is great .

Absolutely not, I am ugly as sin in my eyes. One of my friends thought is absolutely stunning, she often goes make up free, hair just brushed through after air drying and no styling and wears casual clothes and looks incredible. It's one of the least interesting things about her though, she is hilarious, clever, thoughtful, good fun and caring; but it's one of the things she's always judged on. Bullied through school, comments all the time about you wouldn't be where you are if you didn't look like that (she would, her job requires certain qualifications and others have similar experience wise to her), men either with her for her looks or put her on a pedestal.

She has had perks too, undeniably, but people are savage as well. Probably being stunning when dressed up but more casual normally would be ideal lol.

@aloris interesting take on the reasons behind any problems in your marriage.

Have you said that to him and how did he respond? Is he any more attractive than you are, or does he just being a man still feel he's doing you a favour even if you're evenly matched.

I know a couple and he is much more attractive than she is. I know her and she's thoughtful, introverted, lacking belief in herself. Ive always detected that she gives him that gratitude and that that is precisely what he wants.

@AdelindSchade

I've a friend who was, still is very pretty and I tend to think it has been more of a curse for her. She's had a lot of bother with men. It affects who she trusts and I think she is anxious at the same time about losing her looks. I think it's better to just be average!

This is my experience. As a young woman I was routinely followed, a stranger once thrust flowers into my hands"for your good looks", found men's numbers in my pockets after being on the tube. I didn't enjoy any of that. I felt harassed yet guilty for hurting them if I said no. I felt so much pressure.

I have been harassed by too many male colleagues/bosses to count.

I don't remember the attention being an issue with my girlfriends, I've always had good friends and most women I know have also endured unwanted attention.

It did bother my mother. She wasn't a very nice person and subjected me to endless criticism about my appearance - too fat, too thin etc and it really messed with my head.

It's only as I've aged that I can see how crap it was. My own daughter is beautiful, breathtakingly so, but she is much more confident than I ever was, has lovely friends and has never reported unwanted attention from men. I think attitudes are different now and young women have more self respect than when I was young.

I haven't been aware of bitchiness but a good friend of mine who is stunning was subject to bitchiness by school parents. I say parents as I overheard shit talk from men as well as women.

The most interesting part for me was a period of time soon after my daughter was born and I gained a lot of weight. I discovered that strangers were a lot nicer to me than when I was thin! I found shop assistants etc to be utterly lovely. whereas some people close to me were ashamed of my weight gain.

This is such an interesting thread. I suppose I had pretty privilege in my twenties & was given quite a few opportunities as a result. I literally stopped traffic in a European capital, when a guy stopped his sports car to speak to me. Unfortunately, I was deeply insecure, placed too much emphasis on perfection and was never able to take full advantage of those opportunities. Always thought I should rely on my brains rather than my looks, but was too daft to capitalise on using my looks to further my career. Never trusted people enough to let them see the real me. Ended up having a breakdown and settling for a life that I wasn’t happy with. I’m much more confident and happy now, although old and less ‘eyecatching!’ Beauty is definitely a double-edged sword.

@ColinTheKoala

Not RTFT but yes I am sure it is a thing. When I was at primary school the girls with blonde hair were the ones everyone wanted to be friends with and were the teachers' pets. Even if the were nasty bits of Queen Bee work.

I look back at photos of myself and think I was actually quite pretty. But I wasn't blonde. And I was never a skinny beautiful teen, I went from being a skinny child to having puppy fat very quickly.

Agree with this, as a black woman I get told I'm 'pretty for a black woman' have had that my whole life. It's a disgusting comment and if someone said that to me now as an older black woman I'd call it out (though I get less attention with age now )

But the point is, pretty for a black woman basically means but of course not as pretty as a white woman or of course, not as pretty as a blonde white woman.

So I guess my point is I've never really noticed the pretty privilege as being black (even though apparently pretty according to others) removes a lot of the privilege that would have come from being a white women especially with blonde hair blue eyes,

Interest to hear other black and mixed race women's pretty priviledge experiences.

I never felt being ‘pretty’ was a plus as far as I was concerned it just got me unwanted male attention and sexual advances from a really young age - 11/12 that continued well into my 30s. Even though I started dressing ‘boyishly’ from my mid teens ( still do)
I have to say that one of the blessings of turning older has been to be invisible to most men! As soon as I turned 40 the street harassment etc pretty much ended and it’s been absolutely bliss!

One plus I suppose is I look approachable, people talk to me all the time, respond when I ask for anything, need anything, kids have always said I have a ‘friendly’ face and respond positively to me ( I work in education)

No I would say I'm fairly average but growing up I had a friend who was very attractive and she really did go quite far on looks alone. She wasn't particularly friendly or kind towards people but was still always accepted and included socially. She could have her pick of boys but on the rare occasions someone didn't fancy her she was always incredulous.

@logsonlogsoff exactly, I don't see how being pretty helps at work. I think being average is best.

I had it when I was younger. Now I'm old I have passed into "attractive considering her age' and I do miss the positive benefits of being young and pretty. OTOH I don't miss being catcalled and pestered. Sometimes it's nice to be unnoticed.

I wasn't considered good looking until I reached about 19 and seemed to 'blossom' in people's eyes. I can't say I've ever noticed a single difference in treatment from women, but definitely men.

Men at work treat me better - more pally, more included, more respected.

Going the other way though, I got hassled and harassed by men everywhere I went including in several jobs. Pally turns into unwanted hugs and touching, excessive attention and sadly in two jobs, either stalking or assault.

I know sexual harassment isn't always about looks, but basing this on my experience and those I know personally, those who are more conventionally attractive do experience a lot more harassment and those who don't believe it exists or haven't experienced it tend to be less so (again, just my experience and I don't wish to dismiss anyone else's).

I think I posted up thread about not fully appreciating it when I had it. At 61 I think people probably say "she must have been pretty when she was young; she's not bad for 61".

I wish I'd flaunted it more and had more confidence 40 years ago. All that's left are my legs which still aren't bad if I may say. Whilst I wouldn't wear anything shorter than just on the knee, I enjoy them and the shoes that flatter them (not heels).

However we look I think it's best to make the best of yourself, providing you do it for you.

I used to have it. It made me a very shy child who couldn't cope with attention and still refuses to have any photos taken etc. I was constantly referred to as beautiful or stunning from being young and was definitely sexualised young. As a teenager the sexual harassment got worse and worse. I've never worn makeup or dressed too nicely because this would have exacerbated things.
My first job was given to me after the director came in and 'assessed' my appearance. I've been sexually harassed everywhere I worked, including colleagues masturbating when stood close to me. It just brings out the perverts by being attractive.

Pretty privilege definitely does open doors though. I was noticed by all despite trying to hide as much as possible. I was far more noticeable at work for example. People rush to your aid a lot more often if things go wrong. People rush to open doors and fawn over you. It's not just men though, I had a lot of comments from women especially female managers as if my level of attractiveness had anything to do with how I did my job.

However, I'm now late 30s with a child and quite overweight. My looks have faded and I've become truly invisible. I feel disgusted when I see myself in the mirror yet don't want to return to how I used to look. I work with younger male colleagues now and it's nice knowing that none of them are thinking disgusting thoughts about me and I don't have to avoid being alone with any of them.

I don't know what I'm hoping my daughter will encounter when she's older. A certain level of pretty will help her along, but I think I'd be gutted if she was stunning when she grows up. I certainly hope she handles it better than I did. I want her to be assertive and take no shit from men and challenge things more instead of standing there embarrassed until people leave her alone.

@NotSureYesorno

Plus 98% of women hate me

98% that's a high stat