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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pretty privilege - do you have it?

427 replies

BlueSparklesss · 25/10/2021 19:36

Certain studies show that being conventionally attractive is linked to more favourable outcomes from a jury, which made me a bit

But I suppose in another way, it's not really that surprising.

I definitely don't have pretty privilege myself (am a bog standard, perfectly normal looking woman - don't hate myself or anything) and don't really think about my looks often.

However, as a teenager I was mortified by how 'ugly' I was, and the world definitely felt more brutal because I was not attractive. It does make me sad that I was so brainwashed by patriarchal norms at such a young age, that it really affected self esteem. And that's with good female role models who always praised the things I was good at.

What are your thoughts? I think it would be interesting to hear if anyone has experienced both sides - of feeling 'pretty' and also feeling dismissed as 'not pretty' at a different time in their life?

Sometimes on MN you read about women who are traffic-stoppingly good looking, people falling over themselves to help etc etc. I find this fascinating! What must that be like?

OP posts:

JellyTotCat · 26/10/2021 09:58

I was an unattractive kid/teenager in the 70s/80s and was treated quite harshly. Eg. By boys/cool kids in my class at primary saying I was ugly. My mum made horrible comments as she was pretty. I'd have horrible comments in the street. I had a period in my 20s of nice attention as I wore makeup and was slim/dressed in a way people liked. I'm invisible now as a middle aged woman which is fine by me having experience the opposite as a young person.

name532 · 26/10/2021 10:01

It may be an unpopular opinion I'm sure but there are definitely some circumstances where it's "female privilege", not just "pretty privilege".

Whilst I usually hate the "men too" rhetoric, I do believe pretty privilege can apply to men too. Granted not to the same extent as women are expected to look pleasing to a much larger extent, but I do think more attractive men will get away with more, an attractive rapist (like the American swimmer Brandon, also class related in that case) will be treated differently by the media to the likes of Harvey Weinstein (appreciate the cases are wildly different) that's all I can think of off the top of my head but recently read a novel by Lucy Dawson all about an attractive surgeon who got away with murder and people just trusted him more easily, I think it's a universal thing that attractiveness has an impact.

CounsellorTroi · 26/10/2021 10:06

I wasn’t unattractive but never pretty in an obvious way either, being short and brunette. My taller fairer friends got more attention.

Nowomenaroundeh · 26/10/2021 11:08

Pretty privilege is most definitely a thing. I've experienced both sides. I was on a good day a 'curvy sexy female with a lovely face' or bog standard fat chick depending on who you were talking to. I lost a ton of weight, grew my hair long and became a bog standard head turner.

I can attest the world is a different place when you're conventionally very good looking. You're ironically also interesting with a lovely character, an authority on most things, trustworthy, kind, funny... it's actually ridiculous.

I was gobsmacked at how the same people who had flat out ignored me a year previously were now hanging on my every fascinating word. I reminded myself over and over that I was still me, I hadn't changed, i was as rubbish or as fabulous as I ever was and not to let silly shallow people's preconceptions ever dictate my view of myself.

As it turned out this was an excellent discipline to drill into myself as through illness I found myself bald and obese a couple of years ago and I did my best to observe with humour how I suddenly became completely invisible in a world that had previously adored me. I'm slowly returning now to normality and already noticing the changing temperature in how I'm received.

Personally I think noticing how some people respond to your appearance is an excellent vetting process for who you should spend your time and energy on. If they only care about your looks, they are not worth it.

LittleGwyneth · 26/10/2021 11:14

Yes. I'm facially pretty which has made my life easier, as has having a smart accent. I'm a 14/16, and I think I get a much better time of being mid sized because I've got a nice face, hourglass figure, long hair etc.

Sillawithans · 26/10/2021 11:14

I'm very attractive and I don't mind saying it on here. I have had more opportunities because of my looks. I'm told I'm beautiful quite often. I don't think I'm beautiful as my idea of beautiful is not my face if that makes any sense.
I often catch women looking at me. I also have a nice speaking voice and accent and this has helped along the way too.

shakingmytambourineatyou · 26/10/2021 13:50

I do a lot of rail travel and have never not had doors opened for me, luggage put on racks and cases carried up stairs. Just thought men were friendly and helpful, chatty and interested. Until late 50's that is. Apparently now it's fine for me to lug two suitcases up the stairs on my own (at age when I would actually need the help). The only friendly chatty men mostly now are so old they would have a heart attack lifting up my luggage. who knew.

MaryLennoxsScowl · 26/10/2021 14:31

I’m interested in the range of comments from people on whether or not other women hate them. Thinking about the way I react to other women - if someone is beautiful I definitely like them/want to know them (shallow!), and the only women I can think of whom I’d be wary of (which could seem hostile though is really being unsure of myself) are those who are very done up in a conventionally feminine way - dyed blonde hair, tight clothes, heavy foundation/contouring (I like women with alternative makeup like goths), platform heels - or those who seem very posh in a stuck-up way. My hackles would rise at a tall, blonde, super-posh, loud (posh people are so loud) yah who tried to hug me when we hadn’t met before. It would definitely not be because I thought these people were the most attractive women I’d ever seen and I was jealous; it would be because I’m wary of women who court male attention and of the upper classes. I’m average to pretty and have no skin in this game.

TracyLords · 26/10/2021 17:26

I’m not pretty. As a teenager one of my friends was drop dead gorgeous, but she
Always seemed to attract comments from old creepy men.

SisterAgatha · 26/10/2021 18:11

I’m interested in the range of comments from people on whether or not other women hate them.

When I am slimmer, women are noticeably bitchy towards me. Esp if their husbands are there, and I have done absolutely nothing to warrant the comment. I remember often feeling confused.

When I am larger, I don’t notice anything at all like that. I feel invisible and it’s nice. Just taken as I am on my own personality and it’s merits.

Also when slimmer, certain friends become hostile, because I don’t fit they fat friend trope anymore and become competition. I presume, because they talk more to me about weight and what I’m wearing or where I shop. I’ve noticed my SIL in particular takes huge notice of my clothes now.

Snog · 26/10/2021 19:28

My SIL really is gorgeous. She lives a very charmed life. Just one example of about a million - she regularly turns up to check in for flights over the baggage limit with no money on her to pay for this. Guaranteed the bloke behind her in the queue will fall over himself to pay for it for her and be pleased as punch to have the privilege 😂

If she walks into a bar on her own the barman will buy her a drink. Celebrities fawn over her. SIL is also highly intelligent and good company. She is generally not particularly impressed by the men who are doing stuff for her unbidden for the privilege of making her life easier!

SIL wanders the earth with no fear of anything bad ever happening to her as whenever anything goes even slightly wrong for her there is always a queue of Blokes hoping to put it right for her.

BertramLacey · 26/10/2021 19:57

What are your thoughts? I think it would be interesting to hear if anyone has experienced both sides - of feeling 'pretty' and also feeling dismissed as 'not pretty' at a different time in their life?

I was told as a child that I was ugly. I was horribly bullied at school because of this. If boys were playing 'pull a pig', it was me they'd ask out. Something shifted in my late teens, although I couldn't say what. By the time I was at university I was definitely the hot one but I think my appearance was unusual enough that it didn't really give me pretty privilege. I wasn't conventionally attractive, even if men would ask me out whilst I was walking down the street.

It taught me that men are shallow. I didn't feel that I'd changed yet somehow I went from so horrifically ugly no-one would want to have a relationship with me, ever, to someone every man wanted to fuck. And a lot of women hated me on sight.

As I get older I find it intriguing. I can be invisible if I want to but every so often I'll attract that same kind of attention, until that point where they twig I may well be older than they first thought. And fortunately I found someone who, whilst he thinks I am attractive, doesn't judge me just for that.

There were times when I did stop traffic. In a way I think it's good that I got the other side of that because otherwise it would have gone to my head. However, I'd probably be more balanced and happier if I'd not been beaten up for being ugly, or been treated as if looking how I did was a massive achievement, when it wasn't.

WhiskyXray · 26/10/2021 20:44

Fairly sure if anyone on here were that gorgeous, they'd be off doing class As with Harry Styles or Idris Elba or whoever, and not posting unverifiable shite on Mumsnet.

RacketeerRalph · 26/10/2021 20:50

@WhiskyXray

Fairly sure if anyone on here were that gorgeous, they'd be off doing class As with Harry Styles or Idris Elba or whoever, and not posting unverifiable shite on Mumsnet.

You don't have to be gorgeous to have pretty privilege, just be more attractive than average.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/10/2021 20:50

@WhiskyXray

Fairly sure if anyone on here were that gorgeous, they'd be off doing class As with Harry Styles or Idris Elba or whoever, and not posting unverifiable shite on Mumsnet.

What an odd comment. Good looking women don't exist just to shag men...

I'm not even one of them so no skin in the game except a dislike of objectification of women!

WhiskyXray · 26/10/2021 20:53

Oh give over, it's a joke- but also pointing out that self-reported jaw-dropping beauty on MN will always be taken with a mountain of salt.

Boood · 26/10/2021 20:56

Used to, then I got old. Never really thought about it until I went to a work night out recently and suddenly realised that all the 20-something men I’d never met because they started during lockdown were completely ignoring me. Actually, not even ignoring me- they literally didn’t even register my existence 😂

LocoCoconanas · 26/10/2021 20:59

@WhiskyXray completely agree. Never heard of such a large concentration of beautiful women before. Self certified no less!

I’d love to see everyone’s pictures to confirm.

cooker321monster · 26/10/2021 21:02

I can't go anywhere without people pointing out what a beauty I am (I wish!!!

donemeover · 26/10/2021 21:08

I would say I have pretty privilege but also a very resting bitch face so people tend to look but never approach, especially since maturing I give off the 'don't dare speak to me' look.

Also get less attention as I get older, I don't think looks have faded just yet - I'm early thirties but my 'don't talk to me' vibe has become stronger.

Moonflower12 · 26/10/2021 22:15

My eldest DD has a 'something' about her. I once went to a Parents' Evening where every one of her teachers told me how beautiful she was.

I once watched her walk down the street towards me, in her early 20s and everyone turned to look at her.

TheCuntessOfMiddlesex · 26/10/2021 22:34

I used to turn heads

Now I turn stomachs

StaplesCorner · 26/10/2021 23:32

My DD18 has body dysmorphia (the most severe kind she is housebound). She often talks about how people (other than me) never told her she was special or pretty when she was younger, which is true, now she's mentioned it I realise that as we didn't have close family and friends she was often just observing other kids getting lots of attention and praise - often for their appearance. She was bullied in secondary school with other kids telling her she was fat and ugly. She doesn't call it "pretty privilege" but says that she feels worthless and wont get anywhere in life because of the way she looks whilst she sees more popular friends having a great time.

Now obviously she is very unwell, but as I say, I know there is some truth in this and I think this thread proves it - many people do get on because they are physically attractive. Some of those people think they are entitled to whatever they might get, as if they are somehow "better" (not everyone but quite a few I think). It helps doesn't it, to be considered "easy on the eye". I know some of this thread is very light hearted including my earlier comment but there is a darker side to it all, particularly as I often see the world through my DD's eyes, a person on the opposite side of the "privilege".

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 26/10/2021 23:48

I'm so sorry to hear about your DD. That must be hard.

It's interesting that she mentioned you didn't often tell her she was pretty, because a lot of the advice you hear these days is to avoid that subject with girls. We're supposed to tell them they are clever and brave and can run very fast. Telling them they are pretty is often looked down on, as if you're encouraging them to think that their appearance is the most important thing about them.

It's a fucking minefield and I'm amazed that anyone can get through it in one piece.

Snoopsnoggysnog · 26/10/2021 23:57

@Moonflower12

My eldest DD has a 'something' about her. I once went to a Parents' Evening where every one of her teachers told me how beautiful she was.

I once watched her walk down the street towards me, in her early 20s and everyone turned to look at her.

If that’s true, that’s really inappropriate from teachers

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