Pretty privilege - do you have it?

[BlueSparklesss]

Certain studies show that being conventionally attractive is linked to more favourable outcomes from a jury, which made me a bit

But I suppose in another way, it's not really that surprising.

I definitely don't have pretty privilege myself (am a bog standard, perfectly normal looking woman - don't hate myself or anything) and don't really think about my looks often.

However, as a teenager I was mortified by how 'ugly' I was, and the world definitely felt more brutal because I was not attractive. It does make me sad that I was so brainwashed by patriarchal norms at such a young age, that it really affected self esteem. And that's with good female role models who always praised the things I was good at.

What are your thoughts? I think it would be interesting to hear if anyone has experienced both sides - of feeling 'pretty' and also feeling dismissed as 'not pretty' at a different time in their life?

Sometimes on MN you read about women who are traffic-stoppingly good looking, people falling over themselves to help etc etc. I find this fascinating! What must that be like?

@WhiskyXray

Fairly sure if anyone on here were that gorgeous, they'd be off doing class As with Harry Styles or Idris Elba or whoever, and not posting unverifiable shite on Mumsnet.

We’ll beauty is subjective but people’s (strangers) reactions are quite telling.

I don’t think anyone is saying the are out of this word breathtakingly beautiful, but they were at least above average/plain. Nothing wrong with that.

Most posters also acknowledge that once they hit 40 they weren’t viewed in quite the same way.

I don't. However, I am comforted by a study I once read which indicated that attractive people have a much harder time adjusting to aging than do the rest of us. I guess having that privilege ripped away from you would come as a painful shock, if you'd previously relied on it to smooth your path.

I'm not too fussed about the change in my appearance as I age.

It's interesting that she mentioned you didn't often tell her she was pretty, because a lot of the advice you hear these days is to avoid that subject with girls. We're supposed to tell them they are clever and brave and can run very fast. Telling them they are pretty is often looked down on, as if you're encouraging them to think that their appearance is the most important thing about them.

I find myself reassuring my stepdaughter that she is very pretty and will be very attractive when she grows up but that also, there is a lot more about her. We talk about how women are judged for their looks and about all the other amazing qualities she and her friends have that are often overlooked but shouldn't be. Like a lot of girls she is very down on herself so sometimes it's easier for her to see this is the case with her friends and gradually transfer that knowledge to herself.

@Saracen

I don't. However, I am comforted by a study I once read which indicated that attractive people have a much harder time adjusting to aging than do the rest of us. I guess having that privilege ripped away from you would come as a painful shock, if you'd previously relied on it to smooth your path.

I'm not too fussed about the change in my appearance as I age.

Yes. Just look at the way celebrities who have traded on their looks respond to ageing. All that surgery and effort to retain something that is going to go.

For me, I find ageing intriguing. It's the loss of attention that I wasn't really comfortable with and didn't value that much anyway, combined with a twinge that heck, maybe I do miss it.

@Moonflower12

My eldest DD has a 'something' about her. I once went to a Parents' Evening where every one of her teachers told me how beautiful she was.

I once watched her walk down the street towards me, in her early 20s and everyone turned to look at her.

The first paragraph of this is either bullshit, or you should have been reporting this school. I’m going with bullshit though, teachers don’t tell parents if they think a child is ‘beautiful’, maybe one might have said it inappropriately but I doubt all her teachers made such a comment. If so, I’d be really really concerned.

I’m average and fine with it. No interest in being prettier, too lazy to even do make up. Haven’t heard of anyone getting privileges before, but have a couple of very beautiful friends, might ask them about it.

I am not sure this loss of attention and attractiveness is true

Just wondering, but I find I just get chatted up by older men , right now at 50 I get chatted up by men in their sixties (not that I am looking for it) , but maybe it will stop soon when I am properly haggard

(For the record, I am ugly)

From my observations, there's an (asymmetrical) U shape to the pretty privilege, with women in say top ~1% and bottom ~30% getting a raw deal. The maximum is reached probably at "very very pretty but not front page material" stage.

One of my friends is an unbelievably beautiful woman, probably at 1 in 10000 level, and has been since teenage years. She's that one that people can't help staring at, blessed with goddess genes. And very smart and talented too. Women are really jealous of her - she's professionally accomplished, but had never got a job offer in her life from a female manager. And many men assume that she sails through life on her looks easily, so she gets a lot of hate from - how to put it without offence - men who are less successful than her.

I am in the bottom 10% probably, and also never had it, but for different reasons. Men usually just don't register me as a human being at all, it is sometimes even funny. Women are fine though.

I was an ugly child, i mean facially I wasn’t great but had awful hair and a skin condition. My parents never bought me clothes and I lived in badly fitting hand me downs. I was definitely treated unfavourably both at school and home by parents, extended family. Sometimes my scruffy appearance was the but of jokes. My sisters were older and had new things and less wild curly hair and were treated like princesses in comparison.
I’m not sure how it lasts when you’re an adult though- my sisters don’t have a good lifestyle and it shows on their face. I’m also into wellness and am a happy, confident person. I have great relationships now etc. Obviously I’m a lot more attractive than I was but I’m not what you’d consider pretty. I think it’s more to do with confidence in general.
Obviously being strikingly beautiful is different

Had it. Mostly an advantage with m and f. Never went for aa job I didnt get. People inclined to be friendly and helpful. Able to enter a room and cut through it - that felt great!
Except with some middle-aged management women who were only really friendly to carbon copies, think Judy Finnegan.
I only put this down to pretty because Im now middle aged myself and feeling the invisibility and the reversal of the above.

Agree with pp that it does mean your confidence comes from looks and when you lose them you have to rebuild based on other things.
I make sure to praise my dds personality and behaviour first and not emphasise appearance although I do make dressing up for something important fun.

I do find it a shame how some posters claim to have ‘lost their looks’ at the mere age of 30.
I’m a believer that you can look great and be pretty at any age.
I know they’ve likely had work done but look at people like J-Lo, 53 and I bet she constantly turns heads

Definitely a thing and weight is a huge factor too. I don't think I'm anything special - I have a long thin nose and thin lips but I also have big brown eyes and very long lashes. I'm a size 8 and 4'11 and I think people often see me as "cute" and want to do things for me. It can work the other way too though and sometimes people speak to me like shit because they assume I'm really young (I'm 30). A few years ago a manager that was largely responsible for making my temp contract permanent got drunk at the xmas party and told me he wants to shag me. I realised that it may not just have been my hard work that lead to me being kept on. Not really sure how I feel about that.

Yeah I notice this a lot with my prettier friends, if we're out and about.

I have one in particular who is very pretty and also has all the 'trappings' on top...long light blonde hair, very slim, good clothes etc. We go out for dinner together often and she'll chat to the waiters etc and it'll be like I'm not even there for them! Don't even glance at me once.

Must be lovely to be so pretty.

Not RTFT but yes I am sure it is a thing. When I was at primary school the girls with blonde hair were the ones everyone wanted to be friends with and were the teachers' pets. Even if the were nasty bits of Queen Bee work.

I look back at photos of myself and think I was actually quite pretty. But I wasn't blonde. And I was never a skinny beautiful teen, I went from being a skinny child to having puppy fat very quickly.

I had a horrendous view of myself as a teenager. Social media had a huge part to play in it. I spent years loathing the way I look and making an effort to not be noticed by people.
I’m quite plain looking when I don’t have my makeup on or my hair done. When I go to work (I work in a bar), I do make a point of making sure I look my best - full face of makeup, well-fitting jeans and a nice top, hair done. It became apparent that the way I look plays a huge part in how well I am tipped by male customers at a staff meeting on Monday Another member of staff, in her 50’s pointed out “Your tip jar is full to bursting on the nights the football team come in after training!” - and honestly it made me feel a bit cheap and dirty.
The extra money is great, but realising that I’m only getting it because these men like the way I look feels a bit yucky.

The concept of pretty private she is not one I’ve heard of and seems quite sleazy. I’m not pretty but I am cheery, chirpy, respectful of others, listen to their lives and concerns and it all pulls together into some sort of charisma which I use quite effectively to get people to do stuff for me that they wouldn’t usually. It’s the power of the smile. Is very much recommend this method.

Pretty privilege I meant to say!

Fairly sure if anyone on here were that gorgeous, they'd be off doing class As with Harry Styles or Idris Elba or whoever, and not posting unverifiable shite on Mumsnet.

I did once post a couple of pictures of myself on here under a different name.

I got accused of stealing pictures from Instagram.

I think pretty privilege is real but people who have it don’t necessarily know. I’ve met a couple of utterly beautiful women over the years who were genuinely insecure about their looks, but they definitely had attention / “gains” even if they didn’t know why or notice that it was abnormal but they also suffered horrible negative attention which made them miserable and didn’t help their insecurity.

Nope, never had it. I always was and always will be nondescript.

I have scary privilege.

Never been harassed, heckled or bullied. Usually listened to and rarely ignored (except on Mumsnet ). The only annoyance is that people are always asking me what's wrong and why am I angry. Seriously, nothing wrong other than the RBF that I was born with.

20 years ago I worked waiting tables.

Pretty waitresses got better tips. If the pretty ones flirted with the man paying the bill, then their tips were even better.

As we used to say, the bigger the tits the bigger the tips. Some would even undo top buttons and lean strategically over the man paying the bill. Didn't always work, but often it did.

I knew I had pretty privilege I was paid for being attractive as worked as a model when young. I was also training to be a nurse but earning really good money when I did modelling. A weeks trainee nursing wages for about two hours modelling.

The harassment is crap though and the last time I was cat called in the street I was about 50. I was sort of complaining about how I looked old and crabbit these days, it was more about the aches and pains and DS said Mum compared to women your age your still a supermodel.

My Mother and one of my sisters were also paid to model. My Mother was a really great beauty, quite breathtaking. She played on those looks all her life. It gave her a confidence. Men were like moths to the flame and people always want to be friends with us. I am happily married coming up to 25 years. But my Mother and sister sadly were not and really loved the attention so had many affairs and sabotaged many a relationship. Sis ended up the Mistress of an incredibly wealthy man who was flying her round the world while on his business trips. We had a massive row about it and we haven’t spoken since. I just felt so sorry for his wife. He was hiding money from his wife as well. I knew what my sister was but her insistence he was nice and a good person, that’s what caused our argument. I think I called him a monumental shit.

The one thing DH did wrong in our marriage was about 20 years ago. He let slip he viewed me as a trophy wife. I refused to attend some dinners with him for a while. He was genuinely remorseful and I made him suffer for that comment for some time.

*I did once post a couple of pictures of myself on here under a different name.

I got accused of stealing pictures from Instagram.*

I would take that to mean your pictures were heavily filtered or looked 'shopped, like those on Insta.

I have always been overweight and never 'pretty', but I was very attractive to men from certain countries at one point as I discovered when living abroad. I could not walk down a street without getting stopped multiple times by men, catcalled, men walking alongside me trying to talk to me, trying to give me things, ask me out...I would not say it was pretty privilege as I didn't enjoy any benefits from being viewed as attractive or desirable at all (it was really harassment although the men were always very polite, just relentless) but it was certainly an experience I don't get living back in the UK!