Pretty privilege - do you have it?

[BlueSparklesss]

Certain studies show that being conventionally attractive is linked to more favourable outcomes from a jury, which made me a bit

But I suppose in another way, it's not really that surprising.

I definitely don't have pretty privilege myself (am a bog standard, perfectly normal looking woman - don't hate myself or anything) and don't really think about my looks often.

However, as a teenager I was mortified by how 'ugly' I was, and the world definitely felt more brutal because I was not attractive. It does make me sad that I was so brainwashed by patriarchal norms at such a young age, that it really affected self esteem. And that's with good female role models who always praised the things I was good at.

What are your thoughts? I think it would be interesting to hear if anyone has experienced both sides - of feeling 'pretty' and also feeling dismissed as 'not pretty' at a different time in their life?

Sometimes on MN you read about women who are traffic-stoppingly good looking, people falling over themselves to help etc etc. I find this fascinating! What must that be like?

I used to, not so much now. Overweight, older, having kids etc. And I would agree, it was more hassle than it was worth. I'm quite shy and hate strangers talking to me in general, which thankfully doesn't happen as often these days

Been asked if they could buy my coffee when I was in the queue, free drinks on nights out, getting a lot of free stuff from my local shop. People just being generally more friendlier I suppose, but it also came with a massive downside and harassment

I would attract a lot of vein, arsey type men. Only after one thing. One even said they wouldn't date anyone lower than a 9 Going to a friend's house when I was at uni and a car full of blokes stopped their car, asking my name, where I was going and if I wanted to join them. Er..no thanks

Another time I was at the bus stop, and a man walked up to me, said he'd seen me in his car passing by and that I was very attractive and if I fancied a lift. Erm..no thank you

I much prefer being under the cloak of invisibility

Yes I have experienced both sides. From thin and pretty to obsese and ugly, and everything in between. I did not enjoy having "pretty privilege" and found it embarrassing I also did not like having men who were formally good friends suddenly taking a sexual interest in me.
Now being old I have "gray hair" priviledge which I enjoy much more. People are polite, young men carry my suitcases up stairs and give me their seat on trains.

I have a friend who has this, and it's weird because she's not stunning. Definitely good looking and petite but not enough to make sense of how people react to her. Men without exception fall over themselves for her, women want to befriend her. I think it's confidence and the way she smiles at people. I think it has helped her in small ways, like getting jobs and making friends.

I was say it's a thing.

Me and my siblings were very good-looking children. People would stop us in the street regularly to say how beautiful we all were. (Mixed raced children always get an odd level of attention that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable)

I'm 34 now and people still comment on my looks or tell me I have beautiful eyes.

I hated it as a teen and found it embarrassing (still do) but interestingly I've wasn't confident in how I looked at all.

My DC are also good-looking and get lots of attention. DS in particular seems to be a magnetic to people and has been given free things in shops before etc. They are also well known and recognised at school.

I’m absolutely not a true beauty, but I’m pretty in a blonde, nice figure, girl-next-door way. I make an effort with clothes and grooming.

It does make a difference to how you’re treated, in my experience. Good and bad.

It’s been good in that if I am attracted to a man, he is usually attracted to me - I haven’t ever really wanted somebody who won’t give me a second look. Men stop their cars for me more often, talk to me in a nicer/flirty way, and generally are more inclined to ‘do’ things for me, for example in a hospitality setting.

When it comes to women, I don’t think it’s the case that they don’t stop their cars for me because they’re jealous or mean - I think they just have less incentive to do so if they don’t find me attractive (which most won’t for obvious reasons). It hasn’t stopped me making friends, however a small number of women (very much a minority) seem to treat me with distrust and borderline suspicion. I am a confident person and try not to come across like I ‘love myself’, but nor do I want to play myself down for others. A few friends have made the odd comment to me about how I don’t understand what it’s like to feel unattractive over the years, which is horrible as they’re all genuinely lovely looking ladies, a real mix. Not all men go for the blonde look but most women seem to be convinced they do. One friend was going to dye her beautiful glossy dark brown hair blonde! I had to strongly advise her not to.

However I’m probably not the brightest if I’m honest, and am one of the few in my friendship group to come from a working class background, so there’s my insecurity.

I was a cute, striking, blonde, small little kid and apparently people would cross the street to come and see me. But this was in a non blonde country.

As I got older I was pretty but I was very shy and having a nasty DM meant I had low self esteem.

As an adult I think I had pretty privilege but the assumption was that I was not clever. I also had lots of harassment. I'm still attractive now as I've aged relatively well but I get alot less male harrassment thank god.

The only person I have ever met in real life, was a new colleague. He was 6'3, blonde hair, blue eyed, dimple in one cheek, toned body, well groomed. Model beautiful, but just a normal guy.

Every single head would turn when he walked in a room/ past etc. People would actually linger around (his office area), so that they could speak to him.

I can't imagine any doors ever being closed for him.

I am beginning to think it may be a "thin" thing.

I can tell you it isn't. In my adult life my weight has yo-yoed several times between size 8 and size 18 - it makes sod all difference to my unattractive face.

HRTFT as don’t have time so apologies if this has been said. It’s an awful point / thing to say, but it’s always really upset me when young girls are murdered/die and people talk about how pretty they were. And show pictures of them a bit dolled up. It’s hard to explain but it comes across as if it’s more tragic because they were “so pretty”.

@Stuckhere2021

HRTFT as don’t have time so apologies if this has been said. It’s an awful point / thing to say, but it’s always really upset me when young girls are murdered/die and people talk about how pretty they were. And show pictures of them a bit dolled up. It’s hard to explain but it comes across as if it’s more tragic because they were “so pretty”.

I agree. I heard a lady who works in police conduct talking on Woman’s Hour about Sarah Everard. She said it was horrific that a ‘beautiful young woman’ was killed in the way she was. Of course Sarah was young and beautiful, but what if she hadn’t been? It wouldn’t have been any less tragic and shocking.

I think every stage in my life i have been called ugly. I have absolutely no self esteem, no confidence and dont even bother with myself to make my appearance nice. The twice i did do something with my appearance, first someone commented why i didnt look like that all the time and the second was walking down the city centre minding my own business when some man grabbed my hand and said i looked good.
I find im damned if i do and damned if i don't.. I just want to blend in with noone commenting on how i look.
And i like being me, there is zero anyone id like to impress to dress up for, the way i see it is people who call me ugly ect have a choice they also have a choice not to f look.

It's not thin. I was thin and just got abuse for it.

*I am beginning to think it may be a "thin" thing.

I can tell you it isn't. In my adult life my weight has yo-yoed several times between size 8 and size 18 - it makes sod all difference to my unattractive face.*

For me it has been a thin thing. When I am bigger people seem almost angry that I am wasting myself, and how dare a pretty girl not make the most of herself. It’s like an indignant kind of anger towards me. I’d have men chat me up, then when turned down “you’re a fat bitch anyway”. And even when people are trying to be nice it would be “you have such a pretty face” like it’s a consolation prize.

An attractive fat girl makes people upset, for some reason.

@SisterAgatha

*I am beginning to think it may be a "thin" thing.

I can tell you it isn't. In my adult life my weight has yo-yoed several times between size 8 and size 18 - it makes sod all difference to my unattractive face.*

For me it has been a thin thing. When I am bigger people seem almost angry that I am wasting myself, and how dare a pretty girl not make the most of herself. It’s like an indignant kind of anger towards me. I’d have men chat me up, then when turned down “you’re a fat bitch anyway”. And even when people are trying to be nice it would be “you have such a pretty face” like it’s a consolation prize.

An attractive fat girl makes people upset, for some reason.

And I guess that's the difference - you are, or have been, overweight and attractive. There definitely is such a thing as 'thin privilege' and it's linked to 'pretty privilege' to the extent that sometimes, a woman being overweight can invalidate the 'pretty privilege' she'd otherwise have enjoyed.

However, if you are facially ugly, it really doesn't make a difference if you lose weight. If anything, my unattractive facial features are more obvious when they are not cushioned by hamster cheeks and a double chin.

This is an interesting thread, i would never say this in real life
as I don't even know how to articulate this properly
I'm very overweight, but facially quite pretty im told so often.
its,very wierd its as if I'm hyper visible, visible to people who are prejudiced against fat people and people who are finding me pretty its like im fielding both sets of people all the time, im not sure that's any kind of privilege though it could be.
my prettiest friends definitely have easier lives.

My sister had this, I was the ugly sibling. I remember begging her to buy ice cream for me at the ice cream van when I was about 10 as I knew she would get more ice cream than if I bought it.

I was plain as a kid then bloomed to be a very, very pretty young adult. Definitely benefitted from privilege as a result. I’m early forties now and still feel the effects of it, sometimes. I don’t give a crap these days though — much more self-assured and trust that it’s who I am inside that counts.

I found it to be the opposite actually. Girls too jealous to truly be my friend. Could never make any guy friends. Intellect always underestimated. It's not all beneficial.

@donemeover

Im mixed race but I’ve never had that said to me “ pretty for black / mixed race “
I’ve never had a problem dating men or getting attention and even when I’ve been out with my husband in a club or bar I will get young blokes trying to chat me up which I find funny as I’m probably old enough to be there mum.

My hair is probably the most striking thing about me I would say at least several times a week i get complete strangers saying it’s lovely or they love my hair 😂
Then it’s my eyes as they are green 😂
As a teenager I was so different from my friends it was weird
But as an adult I realise that strangeness really works for me as a person

Came over here after reading through the 'opposite' thread.

I'm just going to be honest and not filter because why the hell not.

I think I've had both extremes? As a child I was ugly and there's no denying it. I also had a beautiful sibling so I really felt it. I was bullied a lot and there are a few things I can remember involving adults that scarred me (one was a PE Student Teacher).

Then high-school happened like a shrek movie, went away for the summer, came back, and suddenly I was sexy?!

In all seriousness I look a lot like Eva Green except I'm 5ft with massive knockers so far less 'willowy' and probably more attractive in a sexy-slash-striking way than a conventionally pretty way. But I absolutely know that it benefits me in all sorts of ways.

The biggest one has to be confidence I think? You have other people 'bolstering' it all the time, wether it's your child coming home saying all the boys in the class fancy you, or the daily obvious looks from men driving, or the way you unintentionally make colleagues behave (either constant flirty banter or awkward shyness). Even in an office building of 1000, people notice you and seem to know your name, and (particularly in my early twenties) people would fall over themselves to take you under their wing.

I enjoyed it and I still do, I won't lie. I'm fully aware that now I'm in my 30s it's probably not going to last, but I'm funny, and I'm not losing my confidence, and I'm a people person, and I had my children a looooong time ago so it's not like I NEED my looks to hook a desirable mate, and I was blessed with not giving two fucks about food so there's that. I've been ugly and I wouldn't be too fussed if I had to go back (and I think I will... the chiseled witchy look rarely ages that well).

It's a definite privilege. Rejection from men is minimal, so it can be good for confidence. I also find it helps in work settings. I'd say I'm conventionally pretty,
and petite. When you have a meeting with men (and women too tbh) you can see they are often pleased to be meeting with someone easy on the eye. I think it is more of an ego struggle as you age though because I've become more aware of the privilege fading.

I was a very plain kid. My dsis was considered pretty but I genuinely couldn't see it (I love my dsis!)

So it meant I developed strategies, learnt how to just crack on, and always expected to have to take the hard road.

But in my early 20s my looks changed and I went from very plain to attractive without me really noticing, so I still kept slogging away, never expecting any favours like I saw my dsis get.

I think there was definitely some privilege given to me, but I already had my work ethic, and fuck-you attitude that meant I didn't rely on this privilege.

I can see now in my mid 40s that I'm back to being plain, but I'm ok with that.

‘Pretty’ privilege and ‘beautiful’ privilege are different, though.
I have a friend I used to go out drinking and clubbing with in our teens and twenties. We had our pick of men every single time like we had a magic formula. Not just lecherous rotters! Really nice boys every time and we had some great experiences on holiday in particular. We used to talk about it and analyse it - in the end we decided it was because we were both pretty but approachable. Neither of us was really gorgeous or beautiful. We were both girl next door types.
Sorry to say that in our middle age she is now a perfectly groomed and gorgeously young looking child-free woman while I am a worn out and invisible mum. But I had my day

Yes. I am attractive and always have been even now that I am what might be termed as sub prime. 😀
Despite being bright, sporty, well educated, I have unashamedly used my looks to get things I want. And for the most part it has worked.

I've not read this entire thread, but posted on a similar one before. I never realised I had this, I just thought this was how it was for everyone. I've always found it easy to attract men,but with that come the men that I don't want. The ones that follow me and know where I live, the neighbourhood ones that I know are just being a bit creepy, I can tell the difference between polite friendly and leering hoping for more. I'm always on the alert though, always aware that some men think I want them just because I'm being friendly. I also get hate from some women who think I've somehow made it happen.
I'm in my 50s now, and it isn't stopping. In fact so many seem angry with me for what I look like, and I've had it said to my face how I'm practically menopausal and shouldn't be attracting men.
I've mostly given up trying to have friends, my autistic sons keep me very busy anyway, but I do get quite lonely. The thing I've found lately that saves me a bit, is taking part in what might be considered activities that older people like, such as genteel walking groups, crafting meet ups, that kind of thing. No one cares what I look like there.
I'm not sure that I liked getting perks and things when I took advantage of them, I'm not even sure I knowingly took advantage - it was just life to me. I do remember, that embarrassingly, I never thanked anyone for things they did for me. I guess that was due to the privilege.