Pretty privilege - do you have it?

[BlueSparklesss]

Certain studies show that being conventionally attractive is linked to more favourable outcomes from a jury, which made me a bit

But I suppose in another way, it's not really that surprising.

I definitely don't have pretty privilege myself (am a bog standard, perfectly normal looking woman - don't hate myself or anything) and don't really think about my looks often.

However, as a teenager I was mortified by how 'ugly' I was, and the world definitely felt more brutal because I was not attractive. It does make me sad that I was so brainwashed by patriarchal norms at such a young age, that it really affected self esteem. And that's with good female role models who always praised the things I was good at.

What are your thoughts? I think it would be interesting to hear if anyone has experienced both sides - of feeling 'pretty' and also feeling dismissed as 'not pretty' at a different time in their life?

Sometimes on MN you read about women who are traffic-stoppingly good looking, people falling over themselves to help etc etc. I find this fascinating! What must that be like?

[Amazingblossoms]

I was surprised at the attention I got from men after dyeing my hair blonde (to cover the grey)

They would be much more attentive and almost fawning.

I was so uncomfortable I went back to brunette.

[Wide]

As a teenager I was so insecure, spotty, self concious and actually hated how I looked, I wanted the biys to like me and they didn't. I then started to make the best of myself when I moved schools and started getting attention, I have always been petite and I do my hair and makeup and I don't feel soo bad about myself, I do have alot of faults like stretchmarks etc I have always had quite glam jobs too like cabin crew and hosting roles. Unfortunately I feel any confidence I habe is defined by how I look and I would love to be confident even without wearing makeup but I feel I would be judged and looked at for looking rough but I think my own judgement on mysekf is how I think people will perceive me. I also goodle the other day how I feel insecure if there are other good looking girls it's like I want to be the best looking and I can't see there can be more than 1 good looking girl. I know that sounds awfully shallow and zi recognise that's a problem.

Also I tend to have to play on being really down to earth and will put myself down infront of certain women who I know probably don't like me becayse they pribably think I am stuck up when really I don't think people who are good looking feel so sure of themselves else why would celebrities who are beautiful still get work done to their face. Sorry if there are typos my phone is broken

[Lollyneenah]

Definitely in my early twenties yes. Just sailed through life getting whatever job I wanted, flat I wanted, friends I wanted.
I was quite an awkward looking teenager so I was very aware of the shift once it was suddenly decided that I was 'hot'.
I did make a lot of effort to exercise, do my hair and make up every day, wear flashy clothes, heels daily.

Anyway, 10 years on I do get treated favourably but in a more subtle way and only if I've put the effort in. Most days now I'm invisible to humanity when I'm in no make up, dry shampoo hair in a bun and trainers.

[WhatDidISayAlan]

Not here. I’ve always been very plain, and I don’t have a clue about make up or fashion - I don’t have a good eye for style. It had a pretty bad effect on my self esteem until I was late-30s, and I only had two boyfriends.

Then I hit perimenopause, stopped giving a fuck, and just concentrated on me. Then I met a guy who I started seeing. He said that I wasn’t “beautiful” or “pretty” but what he liked was that I was outdoorsy, independent, and happy, and made him laugh, and that made me beautiful. He’s been around ever since.

[TheGoogleMum]

I've never been pretty enough for pretty privilege but I do think it's a thing. I've seen other people favoured for it. Of course me being somewhat socially awkward won't have helped me either! DD gets quite a few comments from strangers about her looks but is only 3. I wonder if she will have this (or start looking more like me instead!)

[Mischance]

I can remember when my DDs were in primary school there was a teacher who put a little girl at the back of the choir for a concert because she was "not pretty enough" - my DDs were incensed as she was a good friend of theirs. Just unspeakable.

I was a good-looking young woman - everyone told me so and likened me to Ali McGraw (that dates me!). I was not aware of it securing me any favourable treatment - but there were lots of boys hanging around!

[Hunderland]

One of my very pretty friends got caught speeding and the police were very sympathetic and let her off!

[StupidPhones]

No.
But I do think there are perks to being average (or a blend of traits with nothing predominating( in many areas including looks.

[FlorrieLindley]

I can say this now that I am an old crone, but in my late teens, 20s, and 30s I was considered "very beautiful", to the extent that people would gawp at me. I hated it, as I was very self-conscious and shy. I never used it to my advantage, but I know that I was treated differently from the rest of my friends who used to laugh and joke about it. Now however, I am fat and wrinkled and nobody gives me a second glance. So I guess I got what I wanted in the end - anonymity.

[LaPufalina]

Very outing if my family are on here, but my sister once mused that I went from a 2/3 out of 10 to an 8/9 so I evidently scrub up well and can experience both sides of this on the same day. I used to do corporate hospitality work where all my colleagues were models and air hostesses (my career is very geeky!) and it felt very different to my day job.

[Capferret]

My aunt told my 8 year old sister how pretty she was. She then told ten year old me. ‘You’re not pretty but your attractive and it will last you longer.’
I was upset at the time.
50 years later my pretty sister has definitely lost some of her looks, she never needed to make an effort so never bothered and it shows.
I spent my life making the best of my looks, that also shows.
My aunt was right and I have aged much better than dsis.

[Notnastypasty]

It’s definitely a thing - was constantly told I was pretty and had a lot of attention when I was younger but I was very shy too. Instead of people recognising that, I was labelled as ‘loving myself’ or being up my own arse! But I did also get a lot of attention and probably had unfair advantages.

As an overweight forty something now, you definitely become invisible to a lot of men. I still often get told I’m attractive which is nice but I’m not really bothered. I’m the most confident I’ve ever been despite needing to lose a few stone!

[ScaryHairyMcClary]

Imo there are huge downsides to being an attractive woman. As a very average woman I am fairly invisible to men but my attractive friends get a lot of hassle. They also get people pursuing them just for their looks.

[Livpool]

@Holly60

As someone who used to be a ‘pretty girl’ when I was younger, it definitely exists. You don’t realise when it’s happening though, you just think everyone is really nice and kind. It’s hard when it starts to go. I’m not an unattractive older women, but I think you have to be young to properly benefit from it.

Agree with this.

I am 41 now and overweight but people were always so nice to me.

[Lilolily]

Yeah when I was young I was treated very differently to the way I am now.

[Iceniii]

I wonder about height privilege too. At under 5 foot, (and I've never seen anyone else give my height on here as their height), I think it defiantly held me back. It was always up for discussion in my teens, 20s and early 30s. Not so much in my 40s. But I hate it worse now than ever because rather than small and attractive, I'm now small and aging.

[Rainallnight]

My DD is only five and very pretty. People remark on it (including people who should know better like her teacher ) and I think it does make people positively disposed towards her. It might not last of course but if it does, I have to think about how to help her navigate it. This thread is really interesting.

[ViceLikeBlip]

I definitely don't have pretty privilege. But against a backdrop of being white, middle class, mid thirties, and thin, I definitely do think I have "pretty enough" privilege.

[Rainallnight]

I think it can work for men too. I once managed an very good looking young man who was fairly shite at his job. I used to be gobsmacked at how fantastic people thought he was. I’m fairly sure it was because of his looks.

[ArblemarchTFruitbat]

I had the opposite = ugly disadvantage.

At least now I am nearly 50 I am not in mourning for my lost looks and I am used to getting by without the privilege of good looks. Also don't worry about my husband swapping me for someone younger because he didn't choose me for my looks.

[DramaAlpaca]

My friend talks about this, how she used to be so pretty and get so much attention, and now she's middle aged she feels invisible.

I just have to smile and nod because never having been conventionallly pretty I can't identify with this at all. I guess it makes getting older easier, it genuinely hasn't bothered me.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I think I do.

But I suspect its as much to do with confidence as it is about looks. I am conventionally attractive but finally at 48 I feel confident enough to make the most of how I look. I spent many years in an abusive relationship that stomped on my self esteem on the back of (what I now see was) an emotionally abusive childhood. I look back on photos of myself when I felt so ugly and stupid and can see that I wasnt. But now I am happy to wear clothes that flatter me, wear nice make up and do my hair in a more appealing (to me) way. It makes me feel so much better in myself that I now have the confidence to do that. Plus it pisses my ex RIGHT off :o So win win!

I have found that in recent years since we split I do get more positive attitudes than I used to but how much of that is down to the fact that I am happier, smile more and have better self esteem is ....as I said, the question.

[Takemetothe90s]

@Isabellabasil

I would never say this in real life as it is obviously very vain. But as a youngster I was very pretty indeed and yes, it made a difference- people (men and women) were on the whole really nice to me, I had doors opened for me, I got favourable treatment but I didn't realise. People would turn their heads in the street occasionally and I always had lots of male attention.

Now I've had 3 kids and am fat and in my very late 30s and I've realised what it's like on the other side and how privileged/ well-treated I was.

Ha! I could’ve wrote this!

[RicherThanYow]

Hunderland
“One of my very pretty friends got caught speeding and the police were very sympathetic and let her off!“

This really irks me for some reason - probably because I’d never in a million years get away with it! I’m a large person, not fat but too tall. Plus always been somewhat odd-looking. Never in my life have I been treated favourably because of my looks, and in a way I’m glad. I worry less about ageing (you can’t mourn the loss of looks you never had) and I don’t really care about what others think. There is such massive pressure to be conventionally attractive but it doesn’t make you a better person.

[YesitsBess]

I was never described as 'pretty', always 'striking' (think Mortica Addams with a well-upholstered rack) and I'm now nothing like that really. But the confidence I gained from essentially being treated differently (I was and am aware of it) has never left me. I don't think my experiences now differ much from when I was younger, bolder and not quite so hefty, because I carry the confidence with me.

The copper bottomed sense of self importance - and I mean that, I have always viewed myself as important, but never at the cost of others- has and is serving me well. I will be honest and say it never really occurred to me when younger that others didn't share my "luck".

I would very much like to see every child grow up with a happy sense of their own importance.