To find DH’s view offensive?

[Peanutbutterkid08]

I was discussing with my teenage son about how misogyny was systemic in society and how white straight men have always held privilege. Ds doesn’t really agree with this, he thinks girls and women have an ‘easier time.’
I said just because NAMALT (🙄) doesn’t mean it’s enough for men to just sit back and say not my problem. In the same way I don’t believe it is enough to just not be racist - if you don’t speak up even if not racist yourself you are part of the problem.
DH said - in a sort of patronising and angry voice ‘didn’t realise you were such a feminist sweetheart.’
Then he went onto say to ds ‘they’ll miss us when we’re gone, we hold together society.’ DH is in a high level job and is actively encouraged to recruit women into senior positions which I know he doesn’t agree with. It’s because only 3% of the the senior positions in his company are held by women.
It was the way he said it. So scathing. Now he’s stormed off upstairs.

He said I don’t seem to have a very high opinion of men.
Can’t really argue with that I suppose. I don’t. And as I’ve grown older my opinion lowers. Not on an individual basis but in terms of how they behave on a larger scale and even the ones that are ok don’t actively stand up with women and say this isn’t acceptable

and maybe that's what irks him, you aren't coming across as great here either.

It’s not our fault you swan off to have babies.

Thats a bit Red Pill, I'd be trying to find out what he's watching online, its easy for boys that age to get sucked into that kind of thing.

@Mummyford you're utter garbage and discriminatory if you judge people without looking at their motivations. It's only by understanding people's motivations that you understand their viewpoint and it might not be your viewpoint but that probably means your life experiences and influences have been different. The bottom line is be kind isn't it? And try to understand when someone isn't able to be so and work on that. You don't get to be judge and jury until you've heard all arguments. I personally think (on the basis of not knowing you at all) that you're a complete idiot. Is that ok for me to say? Obviously it isn't. Be better.

Why on earth are you with this sad excuse for a man? You know he hates women? This includes you.

Do you work OP?

As my 14 year old would say, “mmm, smells of misogyny in here!”

DH is in a high level job and is actively encouraged to recruit women into senior positions which I know he doesn’t agree with. It’s because only 3% of the the senior positions in his company are held by women.

One's sex (or race, or sexuality) is not a quality to determine who deserves to be in a senior position. Diversity box ticking does more harm than good.

@XelaM

The only fair system is meritocracy. Women should not be recruited just because they are women! It's insulting

It's a good job that's not happening then isn't it?? In fact, women are less likely to hold senior positions even in sectors where women are over represented so you've no need to worry 🙄

One's sex (or race, or sexuality) is not a quality to determine who deserves to be in a senior position. Diversity box ticking does more harm than good.

Do you actually think that's what's happening??

Do you actually think that's what's happening??

I think the OP's husband knows better what is happening at his workplace.

As many PPs have said this is NOT positive discrimination. That is illegal.

It is the attempt to dismantle decades of patriarchy and white privilege to enable a meritocracy.

It’s trying to remove barriers (e.g. in language used in the job description), unconscious bias (including recruiting in your own likeness) and creating a culture where woman actually want to work and can thrive (flexible working, inclusive language).

All so that candidates come forward, the process is free of bias and you can find the truly best candidate. Some of which will be female!

I think the OP's husband knows better what is happening at his workplace.

I study and research women's career development and participation in the labour market for a living. I'd wager I know more than the Ops husband on the disadvantages and barriers women face in the work place.....

@XelaM

I'm a woman and have been a partner at two different City law firms. Honestly, I have never felt nor have I ever witnessed women being disadvantaged in my industry at all. If anything, it has always been a bonus to be a woman. I have seen many women (including myself) being offered partnership after they return from maternity leave.

I think you're a bit over-dramatic with your views. Sorry

Just coz you havent witnessed it doesn't mean it hasn't happened. I have a friend who's just made partner after mat leave, but a certain male senior had to be talked round and some of her ideas weren't taken seriously...also she has massive help with childcare so doesn't face as many of the issues other mothers do.

Work can be a very male-shaped hole in to which women have to fit. Sure, that's changing, great.

Don't necessarily think just because you haven't noticed something it hasn't happened.

Look at some stats in your profession.

Your son is a teenager. Is this the first time that this topic has come up for discussion in your house? I really have a hard time finding any sympathy for you, OP. You chose to have a child (or children) with this man and have been with him for many years. You have accepted that he is a sexist pig who thinks doing any kids of housework or childcare is beneath him, yet you're surprised that your son holds the same views?
I have daughters, not sons, but I think it's important to raise both boys and girls with the expectation that girls can be scientists or engineers and boys can be caregivers, and that their gender is irrelevant when it comes to those choices. This should be an ongoing discussion throughout their childhoods, and it also should be modeled by the parents. (That doesn't mean that the mother necessarily has to work outside of the home. Just that both parents work hard and are respected for their contributions.)
I'm a feminist, and I wouldn't have married someone who wasn't a feminist. My children have been raised to be feminists. I simply can't imagine that not being the case.

He finds your very low opinion of men offensive and you find his offensive but hey you are allowed to hold different views. He puts you down , have you ever done that to him ?

@Peanutbutterkid08

To be fair ds lives in a house where the man has never cooked a meal, changed a nappy or used the washing machine.

Why didn't you tackle this years ago??

IMHO i never discuss feminism with men. It's just pointless. Even the most agreeable, the most reasonable men are just shit scared of the F-word. And self-proclaimed male feminists are even worse.

Jesus Christ no wonder they both have sexist views then. Did you not, at any point, think that this might happen?”

Yeah of course you came to the conclusion that the woman is to be blamed for all of this, what a load of shite

She's 50% responsible for the upbringing of her son. He's 14 years old and has never seen his father prepare a meal or use a washing machine. We've established his dads a pig and isn't going to teach him any better. That doesn't absolve her of all responsibility.

Okay now read what you wrote again- “they both have sexist views then”

You were blaming her for both their sexist views.

He sounds like he’s taking it all a bit personally. Does he have a tendency to make everything about him?!

Well yes, he's a man.

Why do women like you get so wound up about stuff. Truly strong women don’t give a stuff about what think

*what men think

@Speckledhem

Why do women like you get so wound up about stuff. Truly strong women don’t give a stuff about what think

Truly strong women don’t blame other women for getting distressed about sexist remarks (from a partner)

@Speckledhem

Why do women like you get so wound up about stuff. Truly strong women don’t give a stuff about what think

If you aren't angry then you aren't paying attention.

Doing nothing means a nothing happens.

Your husband's tone sounds like he was angered by your low opinion of men rather than being anti-women in general. Without knowing him more I can't tell.
Girls outperform boys at school, outnumber them at university, and at lower levels earn equal salaries. Casual dating is easier for women than it is for men, and many still expect him to impress her. The majority of suicides and homicides are men.

Can you not see why an immature teenage boy who's never had to lift a finger thinks this way? Bonus points if you were a SAHM/part-time who arranged family life around your DH's 'big job'.

And as a woman in a male-dominated field the drive to recruit senior woman is bollocks. All they do is find the women lucky enough to have risen to that level in the first place, and who fit the 'male' patterns of working. Without changing the company culture that leads to women leaving in the first place.

Where I currently work there are many senior women of different backgrounds. The common denominator is that they all have managers who are supportive and skilled in managing teams working flexibly. People scheduling meetings around the school run , WFH pre-pandemic etc are all very common. Including my own boss who is not a feminist or any sort of 'ally' in the participation of diversity programs but who put me on track for promotion and is also going to promote another woman who just - !gasp! came back from mat leave!

Change the company/management culture - talented women will stay. Recruiting from outside while ignoring internal talent is like patching a leaky ship with tape. Yes you may get a few but you lose a lot, so it's not the most efficient.

P.s the majority of HUMANS are lazy, don't consider it their job to 'stand up'. Humans are social creatures heavily influenced by group tendencies. It's not a man, it's a human thing. That's why the tone at the top - and of the dominant group need to change. Not recruit more senior women. But male execs openly endorsing flexibility, and more importantly ALL the managers lower down the chain doing it.

Also to add I'm not condoning your DH or your son's attitude.
But we are influenced by what we see. If your son doesn't realise it the way to enlighten him is to understand (as pp have said) why he feels the way he does. Not make blanket statements like 'white male privilege'.
As he is your son and not some hardened old misogynist you're trying to educate (i.e. your DH maybe) you must take a didactic approach.