To find DH’s view offensive?

[Peanutbutterkid08]

I was discussing with my teenage son about how misogyny was systemic in society and how white straight men have always held privilege. Ds doesn’t really agree with this, he thinks girls and women have an ‘easier time.’
I said just because NAMALT (🙄) doesn’t mean it’s enough for men to just sit back and say not my problem. In the same way I don’t believe it is enough to just not be racist - if you don’t speak up even if not racist yourself you are part of the problem.
DH said - in a sort of patronising and angry voice ‘didn’t realise you were such a feminist sweetheart.’
Then he went onto say to ds ‘they’ll miss us when we’re gone, we hold together society.’ DH is in a high level job and is actively encouraged to recruit women into senior positions which I know he doesn’t agree with. It’s because only 3% of the the senior positions in his company are held by women.
It was the way he said it. So scathing. Now he’s stormed off upstairs.

Side note - why do men think feminist is an insult. It’s like calling someone stunningly amazing and beautiful and expecting them to be insulted.

Probably the same reason white women/feminists think 'woke' is an insult and use it as one. It's like calling someone smart, aware of racial prejudice, speaking out against it and not remaining a doormat, and expecting them to be insulted.

My son is quite scathing about feminism - he doesn’t think women experience any disadvantage compared to men.

We discuss serious things in our house. I was talking to DH about the fear women might feel just walking alone and minding their own business.
This upsets my DH, he totally understands what is happening and wishes it wasn't the case.
Not all men are sexist/misogynistic.

@Costumeidea nope. I just still don't think that's really a view. She hardly got into a discussion with him.

Her reasoning for being offended isn't even related to that.

He’s very NAMALT.
DH then said Cressida Dick would have got the sack if she hadn’t been a woman. He said a man in her position would have been sacked over what happened with Sarah Everard. Again - not willing to discuss the action of men lower down the chain.

@Peanutbutterkid08

My son is quite scathing about feminism - he doesn’t think women experience any disadvantage compared to men.

If you want to educate him, give him some real life examples.

If women aren’t disadvantaged in any way why are 97% of senior positions in his company held by men?

For all of the people sarcastically saying it seems fun in OP’s house, do you never discuss serious topics with your family? I think it’s great that OP has these conversations with her son (particularly with a father like that)

I guess the key is, was it really a 'discussion' or a 'lecture'? How was the conversation framed, was it presented as raising awareness exercise and making the teenage son think about things from a different perspective or was he just hearing a not so subtle men are a bit shit message?

I gave these stats to ds and he said ‘it’s not our fault you don’t apply. It’s not our fault you swan off to have babies.’

To be fair ds lives in a house where the man has never cooked a meal, changed a nappy or used the washing machine.

@Carboncheque

If women aren’t disadvantaged in any way why are 97% of senior positions in his company held by men?

How does he explain this, @Peanutbutterkid08?

Ugh. That’s pretty crappy.
Talk to your son, keep encouraging him to think about society and the way it treats men and women differently. Talk about things he may never have considered because he just doesn’t have to think about them as a man.

Your husband, on the other hand, is old enough to fucking know better.

@Peanutbutterkid08 then you need to educate your son about that, I don't think "D"H is going to do it.

Ask your H does he really think women don't deserve equal rights? As that's what feminism is about really.

@Peanutbutterkid08 I suggest you stop doing all that for them then. Maybe an active lesson in how men in society buy their free time by the manual labour of the women in their lives.

I don’t know, it sounds to me like you were ranting at your son. The way to teach people is with positivity not putting them down

If you dislike men as a group then maybe they didn’t want to be lumped together

Maybe when your son said he thought women had it easier instead of shutting him down ask him why he feel this way?

I can’t stand people preaching to me about issues, they always end up talking at you & wanting to be right instead of having a 2 way conversation

Also the way you frame it that this is fact & how it is with men - maybe use more “I feel” or “I think” or “in my experience”

You come off in this post as being a bit arrogant to lump men together as a collective when you don’t like your husband doing that

Your son needs good strong positive female role models, not to be ranted at about the failings of males that came before him.

@Peanutbutterkid08

He said I don’t seem to have a very high opinion of men. Can’t really argue with that I suppose. I don’t. And as I’ve grown older my opinion lowers. Not on an individual basis but in terms of how they behave on a larger scale and even the ones that are ok don’t actively stand up with women and say this isn’t acceptable. He’s angry so he’s stormed off.

I agree.

In my late 30s, I've arrived at the conclusion that maybe no more than 20% of men are genuinely decent people. Just an estimate based on my experiences.

Men seem to believe most other men are decent but they are deluded about this.

I got harassed and stalked by someone, and when my male friends heard about it, they all gave me the same advice...if you just be nicer to him, it'll stop.

I'm a dance student. I've had 3 male teachers and all 3 have either touched me up in class or hit on me and they are all married.

My last sexual experience with a man, I was raped, but somehow I don't feel traumatised. At this point, I just feel resigned.

Most men have no idea about the shitty behaviour of the majority of men. So yes, your husband is being unreasonable.

@Peanutbutterkid08

To be fair ds lives in a house where the man has never cooked a meal, changed a nappy or used the washing machine.

Jesus Christ no wonder they both have sexist views then. Did you not, at any point, think that this might happen?

@Peanutbutterkid08

To be fair ds lives in a house where the man has never cooked a meal, changed a nappy or used the washing machine.

Well there's your problem.

What's NAMALT?

@Peanutbutterkid08

To be fair ds lives in a house where the man has never cooked a meal, changed a nappy or used the washing machine.

Stop doing everything. The teen is old enough to cook some meals and do his own washing. He sounds disrespectful.

@Squirrelblanket

What's NAMALT?

Not all men are like that.

Your son is being raised by a misogynist man, in a household where he sees his female parent doing all the shitwork.

He has time to change as he matures, but tbh he hasn't been given the best start in life to enable him to recognise that women are equal to men, has he?

That patronising put-down from your husband ("didn’t realise you were such a feminist sweetheart") would kill the relationship stone dead for me.

That patronising put-down from your husband ("didn’t realise you were such a feminist sweetheart") would kill the relationship stone dead for me.

Yeah, me too.

Christ. He's shown his true colours hasn't he?

A lot of powerful men hold this type of view because they are afraid of losing their power.

I suppose he is aware what would happen at work if he voiced that view? It makes me so angry how men pay lipservice to diversity and inclusion but don't believe in it at all.

Ime men who truly believe in male privilege AND genuinely want an end to it, are very rare indeed. They may be smart enough to say the right things to avoid arguments or appear nice guys, but most would raise their hackles at 'their' woman saying they were disadvantaged, as they'd see it as a personal slight. Your H said you don't seem to think much of men, he's a man, therefore you don't think much of him, and he's insulted.
From your DS perspective of a male who has not yet come into his full privilege (you, a woman have more power in his world than he does, and he probably sees girls treated more 'gently' without realising this is an issue in itself) it probably doesn't resonate just yet.
I'd say keep talking to your DS. Your H may be a lost cause but he may not be.