To find DH’s view offensive?

[Peanutbutterkid08]

I was discussing with my teenage son about how misogyny was systemic in society and how white straight men have always held privilege. Ds doesn’t really agree with this, he thinks girls and women have an ‘easier time.’
I said just because NAMALT (🙄) doesn’t mean it’s enough for men to just sit back and say not my problem. In the same way I don’t believe it is enough to just not be racist - if you don’t speak up even if not racist yourself you are part of the problem.
DH said - in a sort of patronising and angry voice ‘didn’t realise you were such a feminist sweetheart.’
Then he went onto say to ds ‘they’ll miss us when we’re gone, we hold together society.’ DH is in a high level job and is actively encouraged to recruit women into senior positions which I know he doesn’t agree with. It’s because only 3% of the the senior positions in his company are held by women.
It was the way he said it. So scathing. Now he’s stormed off upstairs.

To be fair ds lives in a house where the man has never cooked a meal, changed a nappy or used the washing machine.

Why are you surprised? The man is clearly just preaching what he practises.

I feel sorry for your DS. His father's example has set him up for a world of trouble in his future relationships. I hope you're doing your best at home to encourage your DS to do his share of the chores so he doesn't go out into the world expecting .to be waited on hand and foot by some poor female. Sounds like you're swimming against the tide, though, if that's your DS's male role model.

Your husband's a twat.

Why have you stayed married to a man who clearly has such a low opinion of you and of women in general?

If be really gutted if this was my husband or son. Really gutted.....

To be fair ds lives in a house where the man has never cooked a meal, changed a nappy or used the washing machine.
Why? This isn't close to being acceptable.

Does your Ds go to a mixed school?

My teen Ds’ have been horrified by the sexual harassment that their girl friends experience. Double horrified by the spiking issue.

BUT say that boys they know who go to single sex schools are a lot less empathetic. And say shocking things about girls.

Does your DH worry about you if you go out at night? How would he react if you said you were off on a walk after dark past wooded / park area?

I hope your Ds is learning to cook etc.

WHY has he never changed a nappy?

Has he watched you juggle work and home responsibilities?

If women aren’t disadvantaged in any way why are 97% of senior positions in his company held by men?
Basically the same reason why 2/3 of teachers educating our kids are women. There are many more qualified applicants of that sex than the other sex.

If you want your son to grow up as a feminist I don't see why you're doing all the cooking and laundry. Stop doing it for the pair of them! They'll never change otherwise.
Male privilege, gender roles and the justifications for affirmative action in the workplace can be complicated issues, but not being a dogsbody for the men in your family isn't.

Very depressing but hardly surprising OP.

Like father, like son.

Your husband has been allowed to treat you like the house skivvy and you have accepted the role.

My husband is in a very senior role, has hung out washing today, cooked the dinner (which admittedly he doesn't do very often), but pulls his weight around the house.

This is very important as an example to both my sons and daughters.

I would absolutely identify as a feminist and always have.

Your husband sounds like an ugly twat.

Your H is BU.
And women are definitely the sex who hold society together.

@Cam77

If women aren’t disadvantaged in any way why are 97% of senior positions in his company held by men? Basically the same reason why 2/3 of teachers educating our kids are women. There are many more qualified applicants of that sex than the other sex.

Uh-huh, and can youm think WHY young women apply to uni to study teaching when their male counterparts apply to study maths, engineering etc? Go on, give your brain a little work out.

Sounds like you are the one who is sexist. Putting down all men (including son and husband) based on your experience of some men.

Praise a good man in front of your son instead so that he has good examples to look up to instead of being taught all men are basically born evil. Your husband is basically saying men are not appreciated enough.

My dh constantly confuses me on this issue

On one hand he says how men disgust him, it’s not safe for women in the streets etc etc

In the same breath he will then say but NAMALT and I’m just a man hater

I can kind of see their point. It doesn’t seem right to actively go out trying to recruit women for roles above men. It should be on qualifications and ability alone. I know this is probably being done because women have been discriminated against in the past, but it still feels wrong and a bit patronising.

My DH literally eyerolls whenever I say anything about feminism, fear, VAWG, Sarah Everard... But it's getting harder to accept his worldview as I get older - I'm in my late 40s and I'm starting to think that the vast majority of (especially middle aged) men spend their entire time trying to dampen down or mask their deep anger and deep misogyny. Luckily my teenage DS is rather more enlightened.

So...in a nutshell you are poisoning your DS's head whilst comfortably benefiting from your DH's position and 'white privilege'. Hypocrisy and CFery at it's finest

Uh-huh, and can youm think WHY young women apply to uni to study teaching when their male counterparts apply to study maths, engineering etc? Go on, give your brain a little work out

Perhaps it’s because the job interests them?

Uh-huh, and can youm think WHY young women apply to uni to study teaching when their male counterparts apply to study maths, engineering etc? Go on, give your brain a little work out.

When people start on the personal insults it's usually not a good sign in the context of a strong argument. But to answer your WHY question: for a whole host of reasons. And there are many more male teachers on modest salaries than there are male engineers on high salaries.

I have some sympathy for your DS; none for your H. Teen boys can really struggle, and can find it really hard to express what they're going through (I have 3). 2 suggestions:

1. Make an analogy with racism/white privilege. Male privilege works the same way. Caroline Criado Perez's book is good on this: carolinecriadoperez.com/book/invisible-women/ That one is for you, to give you some data to explain things clearly.
2. Robert Webb's book How not to be a boy: www.waterstones.com/book/how-not-to-be-a-boy/robert-webb/9781786890115 That one would be for you and your DS. Really accessibly written. Your H needs to join my ex in his little club for embittered men

@Movinghouseatlast

Christ. He's shown his true colours hasn't he?

A lot of powerful men hold this type of view because they are afraid of losing their power.

I suppose he is aware what would happen at work if he voiced that view? It makes me so angry how men pay lipservice to diversity and inclusion but don't believe in it at all.

He’s been showing them for years - with OP aiding and abetting him. I don’t know why misogynistic dinosaurs are allowed to get away with this nonsense.

@Peanutbutterkid08

To be fair ds lives in a house where the man has never cooked a meal, changed a nappy or used the washing machine.

Yeah I kind of think that is on you as well as DH. You’ve modelled a very regressive lifestyle (I guess it must have suited you to go along with it) and seem surprised by the consequences of your passivity. Feminism is deeds not words.

I'm with your husband and son and thats based on my direct experiences.

Now he’s stormed off upstairs

Maybe he'll escape through a window and never come back. I know I would

@Soubriquet

My dh constantly confuses me on this issue

On one hand he says how men disgust him, it’s not safe for women in the streets etc etc

In the same breath he will then say but NAMALT and I’m just a man hater

A lot do this. The idea is that you think that all the other men 'out there' are bad and dangerous. Except for him of course. He's a good one. So remember that and stay with him and appreciate him as the rare treasure he is.

Whilst I’m totally with you on everything else I’m afraid I’m still not a fan of positive discrimination….I think it’s a dangerous path to start treading and we should be aiming for a society where merit alone should suffice.

So you told your husband and son you have a low opinion of all men. So you are just as sexist as your husband and have told your son you have a low opinion of him. Bet he'll remember that for a long time.