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Original poster

Is it possible to ever meet a guy that doesn't watch porn?

375 replies

Quirkyme · 25/10/2021 14:21

Good afternoon,

I'm a happily single woman in my late twenties, open to a relationship whenever the time comes.
I'm not a porn watcher, and for reasons I'm sure many of us know, I find porn damaging and detrimental... and therefore would prefer to be with someone who doesn't watch porn.

Because a lot of, if not most, men watch porn, it's normalised as being something women, and society in general, should accept as normal because it's common, which I don't agree with.

My ex also had a porn addiction, and also couldn't perform during sex, which obviously did not provide a great environment or atmosphere for us when having sex. I also do feel that he was closeted due to certain things he said, and I do feel that he was watching a lot of cck heavy porn. He had sexual issues in general, and also had not cm since his first time having sex 10 years ago, which I attribute to him ferociously w*nking off and watching porn. He was not forthcoming about any of this either. He also wanted me to do things (obviously from what he watched in porn) that I communicated that I felt were degrading, and then he used to stop pleasuring me, or say that he would only do certain things - going down on me, if he could do the degrading thing which I had openly communicated that I'm not comfortable with. This is obviously not okay. He would also make comments about my vag (because it couldn't take a pounding for excessive amounts of time) and just about me in bed in general, when funnily enough he couldn't even have sex properly due to his own issues. So yeah.

I had my views about porn, before this relationship, but my experience with this guy has obviously not helped, and only strengthened my view of it, and I guess I am in some ways affected by this. This relationship ended about 8 months ago.
And now I just have concerns about men watching porn, the content of what their wanting, and all sorts of 'hidden' things they get off to in their bedrooms with no self-control, and I do not want that.

Of course, if I meet someone who watches porn, I cannot necessarily make them not watch it if they do, my ex before that also watched porn and whilst he did not have the same issues at all as my most recent ex, he had immature views about sex and also was selfish sexually.

Is it possible to meet a guy who does not watch porn, and has a healthy sexual appetite, and understands the negative and detrimental effects and damage that porn causes? Because it seems that women (who do not want to) have to just normalise this, and get on with this, and that's not something I want or agree with.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
insideoutsider · 25/10/2021 15:43

To those claiming they've searched their OH's phone / computers/ tablets, you do know there is an incognito / private mode where nothing is recorded? Of course you will not find anything. Also, are you with your OH's 24/7, staring at them use the phone / toilet / sleep / work?
Keep daydreaming.

MilduraS · 25/10/2021 15:43

I watch it occasionally, as does my husband. I think there are some men who genuinely don't watch it but they are few and far between. The problem is, it's so easy to hide so what's to stop a man hiding it when he realises how against it you are? Personally I prefer knowing my husband does watch porn once a week rather than him hiding it. If it reached a stage where he was addicted and regularly watching or it affected our sex life we'd be better able to communicate about it.

OuchWhatWasThat · 25/10/2021 15:45

Why do women who think they’re husbands don’t watch porn have ‘won’ in some way?

Because they have.

LettertoHermoine · 25/10/2021 15:46

@Dillydollydingdong

Mine doesn't, but you can't have him. He's mine.
This is hilarious.
ComtesseDeSpair · 25/10/2021 15:47

If it’s a dealbreaker for you then you need to be upfront about it on first dates / your online dating profile, just the same as you would if it was imperative your future partner was vegetarian or believed in God or didn’t drink alcohol. There will be men out there who don’t watch porn, though obviously it will make your dating pool much shallower.

I know DP watches porn occasionally and I know what he does watch is pretty tame amateur stuff. We have an at least once a day great sex life. If we didn’t, or his consumption of porn was more niche, I might feel differently.

Journeyofthedragons · 25/10/2021 15:49

The problem is, it's so easy to hide so what's to stop a man hiding it when he realises how against it you are?

Which also no doubt adds to the excitement.

MoonbeamSprinkles · 25/10/2021 15:50

I would be very very surprised to find that my husband watches porn.

He’s vocally against the industry and has been before I met him.

He sees it as an extension of his veganism that his pleasure shouldn’t come before someone else’s safety or dignity.

And in the same way I’d be really shocked if I found him munching bacon sarnies when he thought no one was looking, I’d be shocked if I found out he watched porn.

In fact I’d probably leave him.
Not for the porn watching but because he wasn’t the person he claimed to be.

I on the other hand am a terrible terrible vegan who has been known to finish off the kids cheese pizza from time to time.

He knows this about me though Grin

I think it’s really sad so many people have such a low opinion of men that they think they can’t have their own boundaries and if they say they do they must be lying. It says a lot about how we as a society view male sexuality.

Watchingyou2sleezes · 25/10/2021 15:50

I probably wouldn't trust one that didn't

ComtesseDeSpair · 25/10/2021 15:55

The problem is, it's so easy to hide so what's to stop a man hiding it when he realises how against it you are?

I suppose it’s like any aspect of a relationship involves trust. It’s pretty easy to cheat without being caught, and most people have to simply trust their partner isn’t cheating. I have a vegan friend who would never have a relationship with anyone who consumed animal products; but ultimately, all she can do is trust that her girlfriend doesn’t buy a BLT sandwich from the work canteen for lunch every day or secretly scoff a McDonald’s when she’s on her own.

Anycolourwilldo · 25/10/2021 15:57

I'm so sorry you had such a crap time with your ex. He sounds awful.

I think most men do watch porn. (I realise not all...but I think very nearly all, even those who don't tell their partners about it). But that doesn't mean they will behave like a complete d*ck like your ex. Not everyone who watches porn has a porn addition or wants to recreate what they've seen.

Anycolourwilldo · 25/10/2021 15:58

@Journeyofthedragons

Handy pie chart
This is so accurate!
RacketeerRalph · 25/10/2021 16:03

@OuchWhatWasThat

Why do women who think they’re husbands don’t watch porn have ‘won’ in some way?

Because they have.

Doesn't guarantee they aren't twats in other ways. My friends ex preferred degrading his own girlfriends to watching others do it for money.
MilduraS · 25/10/2021 16:04

It's not so much having a low opinion of men as just not having the same experiences as other people. My friendship groups are fairly open about these things. I haven't met a man who says porn is a turn off for them and they don't watch it. Then again, I only know one woman who said she didn't enjoy it. Less about the ethics and more about the preference for imagination on her part.

loveyours · 25/10/2021 16:09

@Gohaveanap

The lack of critical thinking and the low opinion of men as a class on here is quite disturbing. I find it fascinating that people can’t get their head around the idea that some men do not have any interest in porn. Pick another subject and try the same line. Sounds insane, doesn’t it? I feel bad for women who think that men are unable to use their brains and make a moral stance against something. Why on Earth would you want to be with immoral liars who see you as little other than meat?

Anyway, OP, yes they exist. It’s the same as with anything else — you need to have open conversations and judge them based on the bigger pattern of their behaviour and attitude to determine if they are truthful. Trust is important in a relationship. Will some men lie about it? Yes. People lie about all sorts of things. This isn’t porn-specific. There are some decent, honest men out there who don’t watch porn and don’t lie about usage. But I do feel that they are in the minority.

Now I’m older, I would not date any porn user. And to be honest, it’s usually pretty easy to tell. Just start a conversation about sex generally - what they like, what they don’t like. Don’t mention porn to start. Most of their tastes are (ironically) pretty much the same and straight from porn. Their inability to be creative, unselfish, and emotionally available is generally pretty striking. As is their general attitude towards women.

Good luck.

It's not about having "low opinions" because don't everyone finds porn morally reprehensible. In my age group is the norm and I never even thought twice til I joined Mumsnet.

Also, I do doubt that there are so many men (and women) who watch porn. Most people like sex, it's natural to want to watch things that arouse us and make us feel good

LastSummerHere · 25/10/2021 16:09

My DH has never watched it. Has no interest and sees men who do as selfish, weird arseholes who get off on the abuse of women.

It always bemuses me how desperate people are though to make out that all men do it and women are clueless. Do they really think they know our husbands better than we do? Why do they act so pissed off if our husbands don't find exploitation and filmed rape entertaining?? They should be pleased. I know I am.

DyingForACuppa · 25/10/2021 16:14

I do think it's interesting that it's so culturally expected of men, that the first assumption is that any man that says he doesn't is that he's lying/hiding it and 'how would you know', etc.

I mean, the majority of men like watching football, but if you met a man who said he didn't you wouldn't just assume he actually was watching it secretly using incognito browsers, would you?

I think men with a functional moral compass who don't watch porn do exist. If I were dating, however, I wouldn't let a man know my views on porn until I'd heard his.

Couldn't be in a relationship with someone who was too stupid/immoral to realise porn is harmful to women.

nevernomore · 25/10/2021 16:15

I dated a 50 year old guy who didn't. Said he did in his 30s for a bit as everyone did, but didn't really enjoy it so stopped. He did read erotica though. He was the best lover I ever had by a clear mile. Really giving, really got off on my pleasure, really tactile and sensual.

Unfortunately he turned out to be a lying, cheating bastard. Such a shame.

MrsKDB · 25/10/2021 16:16

@LastSummerHere

My DH has never watched it. Has no interest and sees men who do as selfish, weird arseholes who get off on the abuse of women.

It always bemuses me how desperate people are though to make out that all men do it and women are clueless. Do they really think they know our husbands better than we do? Why do they act so pissed off if our husbands don't find exploitation and filmed rape entertaining?? They should be pleased. I know I am.

Absolutely this. They do exist OP and they are really good guys (and brilliant fathers).
PamsSpam · 25/10/2021 16:17

@OuchWhatWasThat

Why do women who think they’re husbands don’t watch porn have ‘won’ in some way?

Because they have.

Won…what exactly? What a weird sentiment.
Namenic · 25/10/2021 16:17

If the question is whether there are men who have never watched porn at any point - I’d probably say the number is v small.

If the question is whether there are men that do not currently watch porn. I think there are some that don’t. Again, probably quite a small number, but they exist. I do think some religious people watch porn, even if morally opposed, but sometimes it is a least worst case issue - in that they would be trying to not have sex before marriage (sometimes it isn’t and they are just hypocritical). Personally porn is a dealbreaker for me.

OuchWhatWasThat · 25/10/2021 16:19

RacketeerRalph

OuchWhatWasThat
Why do women who think they’re husbands don’t watch porn have ‘won’ in some way?

Because they have.
Doesn't guarantee they aren't twats in other ways. My friends ex preferred degrading his own girlfriends to watching others do it for money.

Okey, all men are shit.
I don’t care.

Staffy1 · 25/10/2021 16:21

I’m pretty certain mine doesn’t. He doesn’t have much spare time and what he does is spent playing one of his collection of guitars.

PamsSpam · 25/10/2021 16:23

@OuchWhatWasThat

RacketeerRalph

OuchWhatWasThat
Why do women who think they’re husbands don’t watch porn have ‘won’ in some way?

Because they have.
Doesn't guarantee they aren't twats in other ways. My friends ex preferred degrading his own girlfriends to watching others do it for money.

Okey, all men are shit.
I don’t care.

It’s not an either or? It isn’t ‘my husband is the best’ or ‘all men are shit’. Strange sentiment.
IfNot · 25/10/2021 16:24

I know quite a few middle age men who don’t watch it anymore. One of them told me it just did nothing for him anymore as it was getting more like violence than sex. Not all men are dying to see choking and spit roasting. Dp used to a bit, maybe still does, but I’ve snooped and it was pretty tame and mostly just women, no men. Anything violent and I’d be off.

Rainbowheart1 · 25/10/2021 16:27

Mine doesn’t watch porn. And I’m not just saying I don’t think he doesn’t, I know he doesn’t.
I watch porn.
Having a guy that doesn’t normally, is mostly because they just don’t have much interest in sex altogether, which also means a huge lack of intimacy.

Be careful what you wish for.