Is it possible to ever meet a guy that doesn't watch porn?

[Quirkyme]

Good afternoon,

I'm a happily single woman in my late twenties, open to a relationship whenever the time comes.
I'm not a porn watcher, and for reasons I'm sure many of us know, I find porn damaging and detrimental... and therefore would prefer to be with someone who doesn't watch porn.

Because a lot of, if not most, men watch porn, it's normalised as being something women, and society in general, should accept as normal because it's common, which I don't agree with.

My ex also had a porn addiction, and also couldn't perform during sex, which obviously did not provide a great environment or atmosphere for us when having sex. I also do feel that he was closeted due to certain things he said, and I do feel that he was watching a lot of cck heavy porn. He had sexual issues in general, and also had not cm since his first time having sex 10 years ago, which I attribute to him ferociously w*nking off and watching porn. He was not forthcoming about any of this either. He also wanted me to do things (obviously from what he watched in porn) that I communicated that I felt were degrading, and then he used to stop pleasuring me, or say that he would only do certain things - going down on me, if he could do the degrading thing which I had openly communicated that I'm not comfortable with. This is obviously not okay. He would also make comments about my vag (because it couldn't take a pounding for excessive amounts of time) and just about me in bed in general, when funnily enough he couldn't even have sex properly due to his own issues. So yeah.

I had my views about porn, before this relationship, but my experience with this guy has obviously not helped, and only strengthened my view of it, and I guess I am in some ways affected by this. This relationship ended about 8 months ago.
And now I just have concerns about men watching porn, the content of what their wanting, and all sorts of 'hidden' things they get off to in their bedrooms with no self-control, and I do not want that.

Of course, if I meet someone who watches porn, I cannot necessarily make them not watch it if they do, my ex before that also watched porn and whilst he did not have the same issues at all as my most recent ex, he had immature views about sex and also was selfish sexually.

Is it possible to meet a guy who does not watch porn, and has a healthy sexual appetite, and understands the negative and detrimental effects and damage that porn causes? Because it seems that women (who do not want to) have to just normalise this, and get on with this, and that's not something I want or agree with.

Thanks for reading.

You can also have strong views against porn and be aware of how damaging it is and still on occasion be "seduced" into accessing it (followed by feelings of guilt or remorse). a bit like you can be a vegan but occasionally get a massive craving for bacon???
While I’m sure there are vegans who have moments of secret-shameful-meat-lust-induced-gluttony, my guess would be most just don’t eat dead animals and their wives can be fairly confident of that.

Porn is taboo in many circles and addictive. I wouldn't say the analogy to veganism is quite the same

Porn is taboo in many circles and addictive. I wouldn't say the analogy to veganism is quite the same

Of course it is. Not everyone is addicted to porn, and casual porn use is hardly taboo.
As shown on here it’s more taboo to say you don’t.

Also when my husband went vegan he it was incredibly taboo in his social circle. There was loads of peer pressure from his friends and family just to conform and not be awkward.

And another parallel is that pretty much everyone thought he’d gone vegan for me, there was lots of ‘Sprinkles isn’t around just have a sausage’. When in reality he is MUCH MUCH stricter than me, and if anything I went vegan for him.

It’s not as taboo now of course but that’s because people like dh paved the way and stuck to their guns. In fact many of his more vocal friends against veganism are now themselves vegan.
His best friend did some research into it so he could argue against DH and through the research persuaded himself to go vegan.

I reckon porn use is the same, everyone just goes along with it but there’s loads of men who aren’t comfortable with it but wouldn’t say.

I never said everybody, I was responding to the original post that you can never know for sure and this is why. I hope you are right I really do. I think porn has and is monumentally damaging to society.

@LastSummerHere "To know the man they love has freely and happily chosen to watch women be abused and dominated, possibly even raped, for their sick entertainment, is going to be painful."

This is a ghastly comment. Not a single person on this discussion had depictions of abuse or rape in mind whilst offering their opinion - i'm perplexed that someone could jump to such an extreme assumption! Depictions you describe are something a person would have to actively seek out; and it would be an incredibly disturbed mind to seek that type of material out.

To be honest @GaolBhoAlba I think you are incredibly naive if you think porn is made without exploiting young men and women. The information is out there. Watch a documentary or read how people end up in “the business” and what it’s actually like and then decide if you’re happy to be part of funding that.

@5zeds

To be honest *@GaolBhoAlba* I think you are incredibly naive if you think porn is made without exploiting young men and women. The information is out there. Watch a documentary or read how people end up in “the business” and what it’s actually like and then decide if you’re happy to be part of funding that.

I'm aware of the wider debate around pornography; its a debate that has raged since the sexual revolution, and will continue thus.

@GaolBhoAlba surely you understand that trafficking, and therefore rape, is a huge issue in the porn industry? If you're watching porn, there's a pretty high chance you're actually watching rape. Seeking it out doesn't come into it.

This isn't an issue for 'debate'. It happens, no debate required.

[quote DavidDevantsSpiritWife]@GaolBhoAlba surely you understand that trafficking, and therefore rape, is a huge issue in the porn industry? If you're watching porn, there's a pretty high chance you're actually watching rape. Seeking it out doesn't come into it.[/quote]
Human trafficking is a deplorable practice, and one which is rife in non sexual industries; the food on your plate and the clothes on your back are often resultant from human trafficking.

Its nonsense to suggest that there's a 'high' chance you are watching rape in countries where pornography is legal (such as the UK). People think they automatically win the moral debate in these discussions by mentioning trafficking, and using the practice as justification for sex work being eliminated completely - its a lazy, and insincere, argument.

its a lazy, and insincere, argument

Often used by someone who didn't approve of porn before conducting their "research".

@GaolBhoAlba

In my area in the last few months alone there have been three cases of trafficking where the women concerned were forced into sex work/pornography.Trafficking being rife in other industries does not make trafficking in the porn industry less of an issue. It's perfectly possible to endeavour to ensure the food you eat and the clothes you wear do not involve human (or animal, for that matter) suffering.

Why do you assume that those with such concerns are being insincere, or lazy?

Aside from the horrors of trafficking, there is also the stark fact that you have no way of knowing whether what you're watching is consensual, and that nobody has been coerced; that nobody is underage; that nobody vulnerable has been taken advantage of (for example, those with addiction issues).

There's so much grey area it's probably best left alone, to be honest.

People being aggressive and name calling towards others who don’t want to support women being trafficked and exploided.

Baffling.

Also shows how we are never going to get equality.

@WishingWell5

Porn is taboo in many circles and addictive. I wouldn't say the analogy to veganism is quite the same

How does that stop people watching it? That's part of the appeal of anything.

Also, the wilful ignorance on this thread is really something. Most people with an inkling of sexual desire will be curious of porn. It has everything.

That doesn't mean all men are obsessed or whatever. But may watch infrequently. Morality isn't always compelling enough for people to abstain. Even if they're dead against mainstream porn, they may well have a quick Google or Twitter search or whatever.

It's not an attack on your marriage. Maybe your partner doesn't or they do. You'll never know, no point getting worked up about it.

Leaving aside the ethical aspects, everyone is allowed boundaries and for some women porn is one of them. For those ladies who are 100% sure their partners aren’t interested- I would say lower expectations to 80%. I was 100% sure until following some suspect activity on our router I checked our router stats (doesn’t matter if they browse incognito) and found a feminist H who said he watched it very very occasionally when casually asked busy watching it when I went out for 20 mins virtually every day and multi times a day if I was away on business. He doesn’t know I know and he does know my viewpoint on it — all I can say is it has 100% made me more cynical of what someone says.

I know DH doesn't because on a few occasions we have browsed some together and it seemed to turn him off. He gets plenty of the real thing anyway.

Of course it’s not an attack on anyone’s marriage. The victims are the people performing for your entertainment. Why don’t we have “porn star” as a career option promoted in schools or universities? Why would most people be horrified if their mums/dads/grandparents/children wanted to or did do porn work for a living? Why are the people who did it so often victims of abuse and exploitation? It’s not ok. Some people know it’s not ok but do it anyway, some know and don’t, some just aren’t interested. The rest presumably think it’s fine and crack on. Obviously there are people in all groups pretending to be in other groups but I’m not sure insisting everyone is in your group is logical.

[quote GaolBhoAlba]**@LastSummerHere "To know the man they love has freely and happily chosen to watch women be abused and dominated, possibly even raped, for their sick entertainment, is going to be painful."

This is a ghastly comment. Not a single person on this discussion had depictions of abuse or rape in mind whilst offering their opinion - i'm perplexed that someone could jump to such an extreme assumption! Depictions you describe are something a person would have to actively seek out; and it would be an incredibly disturbed mind to seek that type of material out.[/quote]

Not ghastly at all. It is a FACT that women and girls have had to jump over hoops to try to get PornHub to remove videos where they were being abused. One victim had to pretend to be a lawyer to get them to listen. She was underage at the time too.

If you or your husband choose to watch victims of abuse (a significant number of women in porn have been child victims) then that's on you. Don't try to get me or others to change our language around the FACTS so you can sleep better at night.

@LastSummerHere not every person who films a porn video has been trafficked or was underage. I watch porn sometimes and follow some porn stars on social media who seem very proud of the work they do/have done.

Your entitled to your opinion and so am I. Your delivery is shocking tbh.

Not ghastly at all. It is a FACT that women and girls have had to jump over hoops to try to get PornHub to remove videos where they were being abused. One victim had to pretend to be a lawyer to get them to listen. She was underage at the time too.
If you or your husband choose to watch victims of abuse (a significant number of women in porn have been child victims) then that's on you. Don't try to get me or others to change our language around the FACTS so you can sleep better at night.

This!
Well said.

@LastSummerHere well said.

not every person who films a porn video has been trafficked or was underage

How do you know the ones you're watching weren't? Are you ok with the knowledge that they might have been?

[quote fedupofthesamest]@LastSummerHere not every person who films a porn video has been trafficked or was underage. I watch porn sometimes and follow some porn stars on social media who seem very proud of the work they do/have done.

Your entitled to your opinion and so am I. Your delivery is shocking tbh. [/quote]
I don't watch porn for the same reason I would never use a sex worker - those in the porn industry have shockingly high rates of PTSD, and up to 80% surveyed were abused as children. 89% say that they would exit the industry if they could.

As far as I am concerned it is modern day slavery for many, and you are literally enjoying their misfortune.

People who use sex workers are just as bad as those who profited from slaves back in the day.

Also bear in mind that no porn star is going to come right out and say, by the way, I am messed up by my childhood, and have a drug issue. Or I suffer from PTSD.

It's interesting that many porn stars only say that later. Jenna Jameson is one example.

That's not good for business is it.