Is it possible to ever meet a guy that doesn't watch porn?

[Quirkyme]

Good afternoon,

I'm a happily single woman in my late twenties, open to a relationship whenever the time comes.
I'm not a porn watcher, and for reasons I'm sure many of us know, I find porn damaging and detrimental... and therefore would prefer to be with someone who doesn't watch porn.

Because a lot of, if not most, men watch porn, it's normalised as being something women, and society in general, should accept as normal because it's common, which I don't agree with.

My ex also had a porn addiction, and also couldn't perform during sex, which obviously did not provide a great environment or atmosphere for us when having sex. I also do feel that he was closeted due to certain things he said, and I do feel that he was watching a lot of cck heavy porn. He had sexual issues in general, and also had not cm since his first time having sex 10 years ago, which I attribute to him ferociously w*nking off and watching porn. He was not forthcoming about any of this either. He also wanted me to do things (obviously from what he watched in porn) that I communicated that I felt were degrading, and then he used to stop pleasuring me, or say that he would only do certain things - going down on me, if he could do the degrading thing which I had openly communicated that I'm not comfortable with. This is obviously not okay. He would also make comments about my vag (because it couldn't take a pounding for excessive amounts of time) and just about me in bed in general, when funnily enough he couldn't even have sex properly due to his own issues. So yeah.

I had my views about porn, before this relationship, but my experience with this guy has obviously not helped, and only strengthened my view of it, and I guess I am in some ways affected by this. This relationship ended about 8 months ago.
And now I just have concerns about men watching porn, the content of what their wanting, and all sorts of 'hidden' things they get off to in their bedrooms with no self-control, and I do not want that.

Of course, if I meet someone who watches porn, I cannot necessarily make them not watch it if they do, my ex before that also watched porn and whilst he did not have the same issues at all as my most recent ex, he had immature views about sex and also was selfish sexually.

Is it possible to meet a guy who does not watch porn, and has a healthy sexual appetite, and understands the negative and detrimental effects and damage that porn causes? Because it seems that women (who do not want to) have to just normalise this, and get on with this, and that's not something I want or agree with.

Thanks for reading.

It's a bit like the women insisting their DH would never cheat - until they find out they have. No different to insisting their DH doesn't watch porn.

I admire their ability to trust, I really do. But no one can ever know 100% I'm afraid

I disagree with that. I saw some twat male writer in the Guardian a few years back saying that no man ever knows 100% of the baby is his. And I thought, fuck you, you don't deserve a wife if you don't trust her. And I try to trust my husband to the same degree I want to be trusted.

There's being healthily sceptical and then there's poisoning your own life with suspicion.

I don’t know if my DH watches porn - I imagine he must do on occasion, or would have done in the past.
I watch it from time to time 🤷‍♀️

@GetFitOrDieTrying

It's a bit like the women insisting their DH would never cheat - until they find out they have. No different to insisting their DH doesn't watch porn.

I admire their ability to trust, I really do. But no one can ever know 100% I'm afraid

I think its often those who assert the strongest trust that actually have the least (not a barb directed at anyone on this discussion; purely relates to RL experience). I had a sad experience of it some years ago, during a works outing to the races. One of the team had been to Amsterdam earlier that year with his sports club, and had visited a prostitute. His wife was on the races outing with us, and later in the evening, during girl chat, she spoke at length about how she knew he'd never cheat on her. I thought she was maybe gauging our reaction; that said, she was adamant, so who knows. There was another occasion where several of us worked through the night to meet a deadline, I answered the office phone and it was her. I handed the call to him and I heard her giving him hell that he hadnt mentioned i'd be working too! I found it so insulting, given that I was very happily engaged to my now DH (and, frankly, I wouldnt have taken her man in a lucky bag!).

@WhiskyXray

I disagree with that. I saw some twat male writer in the Guardian a few years back saying that no man ever knows 100% of the baby is his. And I thought, fuck you, you don't deserve a wife if you don't trust her. And I try to trust my husband to the same degree I want to be trusted.

There's being healthily sceptical and then there's poisoning your own life with suspicion.

I don't think it's a case of been suspicious judging by this thread. It's the passion some posters are absolutely adamant that their partners do not watch porn.. so what if they do or don't

I don't see why either is becoming a competition!

A few months ago I read that Pornhub's own stats suggest that about 55% of all men watch porn, and about 75% of younger men (can't remember the exact stats). The stats were being used to justify how normal porn is. But I remember thinking that's a lot of people who still dont watch porn. However, its in the interests of those who do watch it to make everyone else (especially their own girlfriends) think its normal and unavoidable. So that women will put up with it without complaining.
If you're happy to date someone from the porn-watching half of the population then crack on. But many of us arent, so we'll take the non-porn-watching half

We really do need to sort it out whatever we all think of porn. It is destroying our youngsters. On radio 4 last week a researcher had spoken to teen boys individually about porn. These were 12 year olds upwards who watched it on their phones or their mates in the school playground or the park. One boy said that when he had sex with a girl he expected them to cry as all girls cry in porn. This was from the pain. Not enjoyment.

Are we all ok with that whilst we discuss whether our DH, nigels etc watch porn?

About half the world doesn't own a screen so let's count that 50 percent of men out. Are most men with screens watching it? I'd say the majority, they'd only have to watch it a few times and the algorithm for repeated behaviour would be in place. I'm not above it, we all have that wild side somewhere. I think if you were to find a man who wasn't watching it, you'd be looking for a man who was a very conscious consumer, able to resist all the marketing and ads we are bombarded with. Good luck. I think there will be some-one out there. But possibly not on an Internet dating site!

@GetFitOrDieTrying

It's a bit like the women insisting their DH would never cheat - until they find out they have. No different to insisting their DH doesn't watch porn.

I admire their ability to trust, I really do. But no one can ever know 100% I'm afraid

I mean, I do trust DH, in all things - otherwise I wouldn't be with him.

But when it comes to watching porn trust doesn't come into it - he literally doesn't have the opportunity

@Feelingoktoday

We really do need to sort it out whatever we all think of porn. It is destroying our youngsters. On radio 4 last week a researcher had spoken to teen boys individually about porn. These were 12 year olds upwards who watched it on their phones or their mates in the school playground or the park. One boy said that when he had sex with a girl he expected them to cry as all girls cry in porn. This was from the pain. Not enjoyment.

Are we all ok with that whilst we discuss whether our DH, nigels etc watch porn?

I am definitely not OK with that, nor with the idea of my daughter ever going to bed with a boy who expects/ wants her to cry from pain.

Nor would I want to be OK with a husband who got his rocks off watching women coerced into humiliating and painful sex acts.

I do trust my husband when he says he doesn't like it. If I thought he did, I couldn't like or respect him.

Some surveys have porn viewing at 75% of
Adult men so that leaves one in four that don’t. Just have to find one!

"I mean, I do trust DH, in all things - otherwise I wouldn't be with him.

But when it comes to watching porn trust doesn't come into it - he literally doesn't have the opportunity grin"

Not even when he's sat on toilet in the bathroom or during a lucnh break?
:D

I think its often those who assert the strongest trust that actually have the least (not a barb directed at anyone on this discussion; purely relates to RL experience).

I agree with this.

There was a thread on here a couple of months ago asking whether people were 100% sure their partner/husband would never cheat. There were about 17 pages of responses with over 90% saying that they 100% knew their OH would absolutely never cheat. They simply cannot all of have been right.

I had to take a step back from it in the end as the cognitive dissonance was quite disturbing.

But I do think there's a strong correlation between those people who shout from the rooftops that their partner would never cheat and never watch porn and people who actually deep down are quite insecure that their partner is saying one thing and doing another.

I think a lot of people confuse "trust" with "professing absolute certainty in someone else's private behaviour". It's simply not possible.

Trust means deciding that on the balance of the evidence presented to you you put sufficient faith in another person not to question them constantly. It doesn't mean you have a set of unassailable forensic evidence that would stand up in court. When it comes to affairs of the human heart or people's private sexuality, anyone asserting this level of certainty is a fool.

@Emma2021

"I mean, I do trust DH, in all things - otherwise I wouldn't be with him.

But when it comes to watching porn trust doesn't come into it - he literally doesn't have the opportunity grin"

Not even when he's sat on toilet in the bathroom or during a lucnh break?
:D

Nope. Because as I've said 3 or 4 times now, he doesn't have a phone, computer or any other internet access.

Ffs! Why does it have to be so polarised? I believe my DH when he says that he preferred doing to watching, and when we first got together I had no strong opinions either way so it's not that he was scared of my reaction. And he's enough of his own man not to need to lie to keep me happy. As we've got older we have both independently come to the conclusion that it can be degrading and exploitative (and the fact that sex education/ guidance teaching in secondary schools has to include a section on the difference s between porn sex and real sex is frankly depressing if we want our daughters and sons to be able to enjoy happy and fulfilling sex lives). That doesn't mean I think we're somehow morally superior to other people. But it does mean I object to being told that he must be lying to me/imust b e really naive etc etc.

@IdontPracticeSanteria

I think the women who insist their partners don't watch it do so mostly because they don't like it and don't approve of it so they have convinced themselves they don't as they wouldn't want to ever have to face up and actually leave their partner if they knew he did.

And no I don't have a partner myself and haven't in a long time. Happily single before anyone says I'm stuck with a porn addled bloke. I'm a staunch realist though.

Exactly.

It's because its a dealbreaker for them and has been presented as such to the DH/DP and the DH/DP appears to go along with this. The prospect of non-compliance is such a threat to the stability of the relationships that they have to drown everyone else out by shouting that it simply isn't possible.

It's a bit like sticking your fingers in your ears and shouting "La la la" at the top of your voice in order not to hear something unpalatable.

The thing is most women are not that cool with porn - there's nothing wrong with that. But most pragmatic women also accept that they cannot police and circumscribe the private behaviour of another person so they accept that they do what they can to make clear it isn't acceptable but don't die on that particular hill.

I think most men do watch it, sadly. However, MOST men can differentiate between porn and real life, and don't watch/wank so excessively that they can't perform in real life.

I don't know anyone who does (except my sisters ex but his preferences were particularly out there)

Honestly all my girl friends are very open about this stuff and bar the odd racy Netflix series or film, specifically watching porn isn't a thing! We're in our thirties.

My husband doesn't as far as i have know over past 20 years- he's 41.

@thepeopleversuswork you (and lots of others on this thread) seem to think that those of us who are sure our OHs don't watch porn are policing them/that we've presented it as a deal-breaker/that their 'compliance' with our 'rules' is faked. Why doesn't it occur to people that some men simply don't like porn? Also not keen on the idea that the women with OHs who don't consume porn are manipulative, needy and controlling.

Some men don't watch porn. Simple as.

Generally do the DH's who don't watch porn also not masturbate?

@Journeyofthedragons

Generally do the DH's who don't watch porn also not masturbate?

It's perfectly possible to masturbate without the use of porn, oddly enough.

It's because its a dealbreaker for them and has been presented as such to the DH/DP and the DH/DP appears to go along with this. The prospect of non-compliance is such a threat to the stability of the relationships that they have to drown everyone else out by shouting that it simply isn't possible.

It wasn’t a dealbreaker for me when I met my husband.
However it was for him.

He doesn’t believe people should be buying other peoples bodies for pleasure.
He’s also vegan and tries to buy fair trade as much as possible for the same reason.

I can’t bear this trope of men just pretending to go along with with what their wives want for an easy life. It’s patronising to both men and women.

It’s possible for men to come up with things on their own you know.

My husband is very annoying in lots of ways, he’s not perfect by a country mile.

But finding out he watches porn would be like finding out Corbyn secretly voted BNP in the last election. Not impossible but pretty bloody unlikely.

Yes, we all watch porn. Some of us just lie about it

[quote TheVampiresWife]@thepeopleversuswork you (and lots of others on this thread) seem to think that those of us who are sure our OHs don't watch porn are policing them/that we've presented it as a deal-breaker/that their 'compliance' with our 'rules' is faked. Why doesn't it occur to people that some men simply don't like porn? Also not keen on the idea that the women with OHs who don't consume porn are manipulative, needy and controlling.

Some men don't watch porn. Simple as.[/quote]
I'm sure some men don't watch porn. But if the statistics are to be believed a very large majority have. And the frequency and the vehemence with which women insist that their OH doesn't do it just doesn't tally up with the figures.

I think its worth qualifying what's meant by "watching porn". I'm perfectly prepared to believe that the women who insist their partners don't watch it are right in the sense that their blokes don't spend hours on pornhub. I would struggle with that and that would certainly be a dealbreaker if I was cohabiting with someone who expected me to tolerate that.

But I have more trouble believing that these blokes have literally never clicked on a sus link in a meme or watched a few seconds of something they found on the loo while away from their OH or just lingered a bit longer than they should have done on a dodgy late night C4 programme, or that they never looked at Hustler as a teenager.

I think fundamentally what I have a bigger problem with is just the "not my Nigel" tendency (see also the women whose husbands would never cheat): the insistence by someone women that they categorically can state this thing on behalf of their OH.

Yeah your Nigel may not watch porn. But I am at some level offended by your public insistence of this on his behalf. It seems a bit of an infringement to me.