Is it possible to ever meet a guy that doesn't watch porn?

[Quirkyme]

Good afternoon,

I'm a happily single woman in my late twenties, open to a relationship whenever the time comes.
I'm not a porn watcher, and for reasons I'm sure many of us know, I find porn damaging and detrimental... and therefore would prefer to be with someone who doesn't watch porn.

Because a lot of, if not most, men watch porn, it's normalised as being something women, and society in general, should accept as normal because it's common, which I don't agree with.

My ex also had a porn addiction, and also couldn't perform during sex, which obviously did not provide a great environment or atmosphere for us when having sex. I also do feel that he was closeted due to certain things he said, and I do feel that he was watching a lot of cck heavy porn. He had sexual issues in general, and also had not cm since his first time having sex 10 years ago, which I attribute to him ferociously w*nking off and watching porn. He was not forthcoming about any of this either. He also wanted me to do things (obviously from what he watched in porn) that I communicated that I felt were degrading, and then he used to stop pleasuring me, or say that he would only do certain things - going down on me, if he could do the degrading thing which I had openly communicated that I'm not comfortable with. This is obviously not okay. He would also make comments about my vag (because it couldn't take a pounding for excessive amounts of time) and just about me in bed in general, when funnily enough he couldn't even have sex properly due to his own issues. So yeah.

I had my views about porn, before this relationship, but my experience with this guy has obviously not helped, and only strengthened my view of it, and I guess I am in some ways affected by this. This relationship ended about 8 months ago.
And now I just have concerns about men watching porn, the content of what their wanting, and all sorts of 'hidden' things they get off to in their bedrooms with no self-control, and I do not want that.

Of course, if I meet someone who watches porn, I cannot necessarily make them not watch it if they do, my ex before that also watched porn and whilst he did not have the same issues at all as my most recent ex, he had immature views about sex and also was selfish sexually.

Is it possible to meet a guy who does not watch porn, and has a healthy sexual appetite, and understands the negative and detrimental effects and damage that porn causes? Because it seems that women (who do not want to) have to just normalise this, and get on with this, and that's not something I want or agree with.

Thanks for reading.

My OH watching 'harmless porn' turned into cam girls and the prostitutes. I think you'd be hard pushed to find anyone that doesn't watch it. It wouldn't stop me from dating but I'd certainly think meh ffs

Most blokes I know really aren’t all that bothered about porn. Sure they’ll have a cursory glance for a minute or so if something lands in a wattsapp group or whatever, but most find it a bit dim and boring.

The notion of wanking to porn which seems to have so much currency on MN is generally considered sad in the extreme, and to be the preserve of early teens who have yet to become acquainted with any real women.

Yet another point on which MN is incredibly wrong.

thevampireswife

Dh is unable to access porn on a laptop or phone as they are work ones

I know hes watched porn in the distant past, he may well watch porn in the future, but he doesnt watch it now

And actually isn’t there about 30 million men in the uk….even at 95% watching currently, thats still thousands of men not watching it

I haven’t watched porn since i was about 16 and found my dads stuff

@BertramLacey

And the frequency and the vehemence with which women insist that their OH doesn't do it just doesn't tally up with the figures.

You've got a very skewed sample here though. The OP was specifically asking if she could find a man who doesn't watch porn so the likelihood is that those who think/ know/ whatever that their OH doesn't watch it would be drawn here to say 'sure, you can find them'. If they're then repeatedly told that they are deluded and their husbands are liars, chances are they will reply rather than just walk off or say 'oh sure, stranger on the internet, why you do know my husband better than I do. In fact, you know of all human nature, particularly men and I am indeed a deluded fool. Forsooth I shall realise that my dearly beloved frequently yanks one off to Debbie Big Tits. Who am I to know better than you, oh wise one'.

It does amaze me that strangers in the internet think they know my husband better than I do. And how much they seem to WANT our husbands to be watching that crap.

Oh yes I forgot to to say…

Very good post BertramLacey

@thepeopleversuswork

I think its often those who assert the strongest trust that actually have the least (not a barb directed at anyone on this discussion; purely relates to RL experience).

I agree with this.

There was a thread on here a couple of months ago asking whether people were 100% sure their partner/husband would never cheat. There were about 17 pages of responses with over 90% saying that they 100% knew their OH would absolutely never cheat. They simply cannot all of have been right.

I had to take a step back from it in the end as the cognitive dissonance was quite disturbing.

But I do think there's a strong correlation between those people who shout from the rooftops that their partner would never cheat and never watch porn and people who actually deep down are quite insecure that their partner is saying one thing and doing another.

I think a lot of people confuse "trust" with "professing absolute certainty in someone else's private behaviour". It's simply not possible.

Trust means deciding that on the balance of the evidence presented to you you put sufficient faith in another person not to question them constantly. It doesn't mean you have a set of unassailable forensic evidence that would stand up in court. When it comes to affairs of the human heart or people's private sexuality, anyone asserting this level of certainty is a fool.

Absolutely, and very well put! The replies since solidify your point (I thought people were just missing it in their clamour to defend; but it appears to actually be beyond comprehension).

I think most men do unfortunately. DH I don't think does nowadays but he has in the past. Would he watch it again if single? Probably. Some are willing to give it up once in a relationship though

My DH really doesn’t. You stick to your guns OP and don’t believe that all men do.

I’d be utterly amazed if dh had a porn habit. It would be as weird as him secretly being a devout Christian or a Tory. I guess it’s possible but when he’d find the time and why he would hide it I can’t imagine.

MY HUSBAND DOES NOT WATCH PORN. I think he would if I asked him to because I wanted to watch it with him but I know he doesn't. He knows I do sometimes but he has no interest. We've been together twenty five years and very open and honest and best friends so if he secretly is then I'll be blown away.

Weird thread.

@Tailendofsummer

I can't imagine a free, grown man choosing imagination or reading books when such gratifying media is out there. You can't imagine a man with a social conscience?

And yet we live in a nation of how many millions meat eaters? Social conscience doesn't mean shit to a lot of people. How many people buy from PLT and primark? Or from fast food chains that treat workers terribly? Or nestle?

So yes, I don't believe most men feel strongly enough to abstain when they really fancy watching it. They think it's just one watch, what harm will it do- then go about Their day.

But sure, misunderstand my point of you like. Of course some men genuinely aren't interested. Morality isn't the reason 90% of the time, though.

I am 99% sure mine doesn't. The 1% is because you never know. I occasionally have. But our sex drives are different and he is not at all sex driven albeit enjoys sex. So I think it depends on the person.

@Nandakanda

Most blokes I know really aren’t all that bothered about porn. Sure they’ll have a cursory glance for a minute or so if something lands in a wattsapp group or whatever, but most find it a bit dim and boring.

The notion of wanking to porn which seems to have so much currency on MN is generally considered sad in the extreme, and to be the preserve of early teens who have yet to become acquainted with any real women.

Yet another point on which MN is incredibly wrong.

From wikipedia

"Straight men report less sexual desire, both for their partner and in general, directly after consuming pornography.[52] Men also typically utilize pornography for masturbation and solo-sexual activities, rather than partnered or joint purposes."

It's referenced to research too.

Just to comment further, what you say doesn't reflect the truth, only what men say to each other, and in my experience actual porn preferences are rarely ever discussed: it's taboo.

Male sexual dysfunction, eg libido loss, erectile dysfunction is a much more public issue now than it ever used to be. That may be because men are more open about it but porn use clearly plays a role.

I very much doubt that porn use ("consume" is a misnomer, nothing is used up) includes involuntarily seeing something sent to your phone.

It strikes me though that some men's porn use won't go any further than the odd glance at a pair of naked boobs on Google and spending hours watching some frightful rough stuff on Pornhub. Both are viewing porn but there is a huge difference between the two.

Most blokes I know really aren’t all that bothered about porn. Sure they’ll have a cursory glance for a minute or so if something lands in a wattsapp group or whatever, but most find it a bit dim and boring.

@Nandakanda

As if the men in your life are going to tell you that they love porn, watch it every day and have a secret fetish for men who look like Piers Morgan.

I can imagine that convo with a colleague, the postman or Uncle Steve.

Or Piers for that matter.

@sweetieqie I feel you are making your own point. There will be many, many people who don't go to Primark or any of your other examples. It won't be anywhere close to a majority, obviously! There are also many men who do not eat meat (I live with one) and many men who do not use pornography (I live with one). Strangely I will be told I am likely to be wrong about the last of those, while no one really suspects that he is off eating bacon sarnies when my back is turned. Both are choices he has freely made.

There’s this myth that if you’re not into porn you’re somehow a prude but it’s just not true

I agree with this. I enjoy sex a lot but have little interest in porn in the traditional sense. It's so unsexy & generally I find the actors unattractive. I'd rather watch my partner or myself!

[quote Tailendofsummer]@sweetieqie I feel you are making your own point. There will be many, many people who don't go to Primark or any of your other examples. It won't be anywhere close to a majority, obviously! There are also many men who do not eat meat (I live with one) and many men who do not use pornography (I live with one). Strangely I will be told I am likely to be wrong about the last of those, while no one really suspects that he is off eating bacon sarnies when my back is turned. Both are choices he has freely made.[/quote]

I think a lot of women don't want to believe men watching pornography is their choice and prefer to believe it is a drive that is innate in men and that they all do it. To know the man they love has freely and happily chosen to watch women be abused and dominated, possibly even raped, for their sick entertainment, is going to be painful. And they can try to convince us that our husbands are lying to us all they want if it makes them feel better about their own partners...it is pretty obvious that's what is going on here.

My Fiance doesn't watch it. He's either at work or with me, also due to the nature of his job he would not be able to watch it at work. I asked him about it and he said it really doesn't interest him. He watched it a bit when young but its boring. The real thing is much better in his eyes.

[quote Lockheart]@Elleextra "defective"? They're human beings, not factory seconds. For all that you're going on about men not respecting women and treating them like objects...[/quote]
This for sure. “Defective”, what an unpleasant word to use.

@fantasmasgoria1

My Fiance doesn't watch it. He's either at work or with me, also due to the nature of his job he would not be able to watch it at work. I asked him about it and he said it really doesn't interest him. He watched it a bit when young but its boring. The real thing is much better in his eyes.

I know this is a derail, but surely you're not together 100% of your non working time?

You can also have strong views against porn and be aware of how damaging it is and still on occasion be "seduced" into accessing it (followed by feelings of guilt or remorse). A man might emphatically be against porn (or a woman) but on occasion watch it. It takes a huge amount of work for people to get out of the habit especially because it has been not only normalised but glorified by society. This will never be honestly spoken about by these people because they will hate themselves for it. That's the truth. You can and will never know, for absolute certainty.