Is it possible to ever meet a guy that doesn't watch porn?

[Quirkyme]

Good afternoon,

I'm a happily single woman in my late twenties, open to a relationship whenever the time comes.
I'm not a porn watcher, and for reasons I'm sure many of us know, I find porn damaging and detrimental... and therefore would prefer to be with someone who doesn't watch porn.

Because a lot of, if not most, men watch porn, it's normalised as being something women, and society in general, should accept as normal because it's common, which I don't agree with.

My ex also had a porn addiction, and also couldn't perform during sex, which obviously did not provide a great environment or atmosphere for us when having sex. I also do feel that he was closeted due to certain things he said, and I do feel that he was watching a lot of cck heavy porn. He had sexual issues in general, and also had not cm since his first time having sex 10 years ago, which I attribute to him ferociously w*nking off and watching porn. He was not forthcoming about any of this either. He also wanted me to do things (obviously from what he watched in porn) that I communicated that I felt were degrading, and then he used to stop pleasuring me, or say that he would only do certain things - going down on me, if he could do the degrading thing which I had openly communicated that I'm not comfortable with. This is obviously not okay. He would also make comments about my vag (because it couldn't take a pounding for excessive amounts of time) and just about me in bed in general, when funnily enough he couldn't even have sex properly due to his own issues. So yeah.

I had my views about porn, before this relationship, but my experience with this guy has obviously not helped, and only strengthened my view of it, and I guess I am in some ways affected by this. This relationship ended about 8 months ago.
And now I just have concerns about men watching porn, the content of what their wanting, and all sorts of 'hidden' things they get off to in their bedrooms with no self-control, and I do not want that.

Of course, if I meet someone who watches porn, I cannot necessarily make them not watch it if they do, my ex before that also watched porn and whilst he did not have the same issues at all as my most recent ex, he had immature views about sex and also was selfish sexually.

Is it possible to meet a guy who does not watch porn, and has a healthy sexual appetite, and understands the negative and detrimental effects and damage that porn causes? Because it seems that women (who do not want to) have to just normalise this, and get on with this, and that's not something I want or agree with.

Thanks for reading.

I hate to break this to people but it’s perfectly possible to disapprove of the porn industry from an ethical perspective and feel slightly disgusted but do it stealthily anyway.

Most men who date women who are vaguely intelligent and self respecting also know it’s a red line.

I have to say I am in the camp who believes the vast vast majority of men do watch at least a bit of porn. I’m sure there are some who don’t. And not all of the ones who do are porn guzzling monsters with warped sex drives.

My current bf knows I disapprove, says he also disapproves and has never raised it with me and I have not once seen any evidence of his porn consumption. But I am. Or naive enough to think that means he never does it.

I think there’s quite a lot of the “Not My Nigel” syndrome at work here. I think a lot of women are in denial about this.

Porn as an industry is foul. But not every porn consumer is automatically a monster.

@Elleextra calling him ‘ones of the good ones’ along with the rest of the superior tone of your post was designed to infer that other ‘husbands’ are inferior to your husband and make you feel smug. But your husband could have all sorts of qualities that are unattractive to other women, such is the beauty of life. It wasn’t about him being right for you, it was, in your eyes, an opportunity to ‘brag’.

Porn as an industry is foul. But not every porn consumer is automatically a monster.

It's also worth remembering that porn is not just rectricted to video media. I would bet a lot of women on here have consumed porn by reading works like 50 Shades or reading fanfic online, for example.

Women are more likely to read than watch I think, but that does not mean they're not consuming porn. It's still porn!

@thepeopleversuswork

I hate to break this to people but it’s perfectly possible to disapprove of the porn industry from an ethical perspective and feel slightly disgusted but do it stealthily anyway.

Most men who date women who are vaguely intelligent and self respecting also know it’s a red line.

I have to say I am in the camp who believes the vast vast majority of men do watch at least a bit of porn. I’m sure there are some who don’t. And not all of the ones who do are porn guzzling monsters with warped sex drives.

My current bf knows I disapprove, says he also disapproves and has never raised it with me and I have not once seen any evidence of his porn consumption. But I am. Or naive enough to think that means he never does it.

I think there’s quite a lot of the “Not My Nigel” syndrome at work here. I think a lot of women are in denial about this.

Porn as an industry is foul. But not every porn consumer is automatically a monster.

For the last fucking time

MY OH DOES NOT WATCH PORN

I am not blind or stupid or deluding myself

I simply chose a partner that suits me. I've had partners in the past who have watched porn, we even rented a video together.
Watching a hairless himbo and bimbo rutting did nothing for me. And my feelings on the industry have evolved since then anyway.

I don't care what other people do, I don't have to live with them

@Elleextra

It does nothing for me either and like you I would actively avoid a man who openly watched porn. I find it a massive turn off.

But I would never presume 100% oversight of my partner’s private fantasies. That way madness lies.

People are complicated and they often do contrary things.

[quote PamsSpam]@Elleextra calling him ‘ones of the good ones’ along with the rest of the superior tone of your post was designed to infer that other ‘husbands’ are inferior to your husband and make you feel smug. But your husband could have all sorts of qualities that are unattractive to other women, such is the beauty of life. It wasn’t about him being right for you, it was, in your eyes, an opportunity to ‘brag’.[/quote]
Yes, I do think men who watch porn (after they have knowledge of the industry and have given it some thought) are defective and I wouldn't want to be intimate with one of them.

No my OH isn't perfect but at least he respects women as human beings and not sex toys.

If you're happy with a man who likes porn, good for you. I'm not.

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@Elleextra

It does nothing for me either and like you I would actively avoid a man who openly watched porn. I find it a massive turn off.

But I would never presume 100% oversight of my partner’s private fantasies. That way madness lies.

People are complicated and they often do contrary things.[/quote]
I've no idea what goes on in his head

But I do know

HE DOES NOT WATCH PORN

It's pointless to keep repeating myself so I'll just leave it there.

@Elleextra "defective"? They're human beings, not factory seconds. For all that you're going on about men not respecting women and treating them like objects...

[quote Lockheart]@Elleextra "defective"? They're human beings, not factory seconds. For all that you're going on about men not respecting women and treating them like objects...[/quote]
I don't respect men who watch porn, no

I wouldn't necessarily call a man who watches porn 'defective' but I would certainly say that his values and mine would be totally at odds, and I'd think less of him as a person.

A man who gets off on watching females who may be underage/trafficked/being raped, or supports an industry in which these things happen, is not the sort of man I want to be in a relationship with.

MY OH DOES NOT WATCH PORN

Every time you assert this someone will come along and say you're wrong. You cannot know. Same way we can't know our significant others haven't cheated but we trust they haven't.

It literally takes two seconds to watch a video or look at a Google image of a woman with her tits out. He may well love having sex with you- but you're not always there or in the mood- then what? The temptation is right there, it's so accessible at any point. Maybe that's just an uncomfortable reality.

Maybe your right, that he doesn't ever and good for you. But god, nobody is superior for not watching and by asserting with such vim, it comes across that way.

Also, re ethics- my OH rationally knows the porn industry is exploitative and even thinks the same of platforms like OF. Doesn't stop him watching it when the urge comes.

The only difference with my partner, is he can admit to that to me. I do think other men say the same, and still watch. Only difference is they'd never admit to their wife, so she takes his word for it.

(Once again, I know not everyone is interested I porn. But usually it's just because they think porn is too fake, if anything)

I don't think my husband does but it wouldn't actually bother me if he did I don't think? Never really considered it as a problem

@loveyours

MY OH DOES NOT WATCH PORN

Every time you assert this someone will come along and say you're wrong. You cannot know. Same way we can't know our significant others haven't cheated but we trust they haven't.

It literally takes two seconds to watch a video or look at a Google image of a woman with her tits out. He may well love having sex with you- but you're not always there or in the mood- then what? The temptation is right there, it's so accessible at any point. Maybe that's just an uncomfortable reality.

Maybe your right, that he doesn't ever and good for you. But god, nobody is superior for not watching and by asserting with such vim, it comes across that way.

As I've said several times on this thread, DH has no way of accessing porn. So even if it takes half a second to look at a Google image, he's not doing it.

I'm really not sure why some people just can't accept that not everyone watches porn. It's bizarre.

I am sure there are a lot of people who do not like porn. There is quite a lot of couple/women friendly porn which we like as a couple to watch together. Surely this is a personal matter between couples? If you rule a man out because he uses porn then your pool of men will be somewhat smaller.

I don’t think everyone watches porn but I do think the vast majority of men do like I said I’ve never met one that doesn’t, just seems funny that on MN everyone’s DH doesn’t 😏

@TurnUpTurnip

I don’t think everyone watches porn but I do think the vast majority of men do like I said I’ve never met one that doesn’t, just seems funny that on MN everyone’s DH doesn’t 😏

Judging by this thread the opposite seems true!

I find it horrifying that anyone would be so opposed to porn and the exploitation of women and then call a woman a "hairless bimbo". I'm even more appalled that none of the anti-porn people here find that offensive. Is this an objection to the industry or insecurity that is driving this conversation?
For those whose husbands " don't view women as sex objects." Do you object to your husband masturbating? He presumably fantasizes about other women, which means porn aside he still uses women in his imagination as a sex object to fulfi his sexual urge. Does him being attracted to other women and fantasizing about them rank in the same category?

My husband also doesn't lie to me and doesn't watch porn. Which is another reason I hate this discussion, it inevitably ends up with you looking like you think your DH is perfect for meeting the bear minimum standard of an adult relationship.

What I find odd is the level of defensiveness. So let's say the majority of men watch porn. Why the inability on the part of some posters to accept that some men don't watch porn? They'd probably accept most other sexual preferences. If someone said they didn't like particular positions, or they weren't into BDSM, they'd be unlikely to be accused of lying. But apparently if your husband/ male partner tells you he doesn't watch porn, he's a liar and you're a dupe.

Why? I mean presumably if someone is secure in the belief that porn is okay and fine, they're able to see it as just another preference. If they can't see it as just another preference but need to think that every man uses it, then why? Why the desperation to think everyone does it? The only reason I can think of is that many men have convinced people that everyone uses porn in order to normalise something that at root, many people are uneasy with.

@BertramLacey

It's a fair question: I think the answer is that its a combination of the very defensive and slightly sanctimonious responses by people who are absolutely 100% certain their OH never watches porn and the fact that statistically a very very large number of men do watch porn. In my head that doesn't quite compute and it seems likely that there's some cognitive dissonance at play among at least some of these women.

I also have asked a very very large number of men over the years about this and every single man jack of them has said they have watched porn at various points of their lives. Most of them say they don't watch very much, many of them say they dislike and almost all of them said they felt ashamed it but occasionally can't help themselves. Most of these men are highly educated and very "progressive" men who self-identify as feminists, married to or dating women who don't agree with porn and who often have daughters. So they totally get why porn isn't OK but still can't stop themselves indulging occasionally in a knowing and self-aware way.

I think you're also right that those women who have accepted that their partners watch porn are probably at some level trying to bring other women down. So I can see why its depressing to have women insisting to other women that their husbands must be lying to them. And I would probably also feel pissed off if my husband were avowedly anti porn to be being told by strangers on the internet that he must be a wrong-un.

But I'm afraid my instincts tell me that at least some of these men are lying. And that the best thing we can do is just decouple ourselves from it, be open to our menfolk about the fact that we don't like it and - as long as they are not doing it blatantly and excessively -- leave them to draw their own conclusions and make their own decisions. As opposed to trying to police what they do.

@BertramLacey

My husband also doesn't lie to me and doesn't watch porn. Which is another reason I hate this discussion, it inevitably ends up with you looking like you think your DH is perfect for meeting the bear minimum standard of an adult relationship.

What I find odd is the level of defensiveness. So let's say the majority of men watch porn. Why the inability on the part of some posters to accept that some men don't watch porn? They'd probably accept most other sexual preferences. If someone said they didn't like particular positions, or they weren't into BDSM, they'd be unlikely to be accused of lying. But apparently if your husband/ male partner tells you he doesn't watch porn, he's a liar and you're a dupe.

Why? I mean presumably if someone is secure in the belief that porn is okay and fine, they're able to see it as just another preference. If they can't see it as just another preference but need to think that every man uses it, then why? Why the desperation to think everyone does it? The only reason I can think of is that many men have convinced people that everyone uses porn in order to normalise something that at root, many people are uneasy with.

I referenced a survey earlier whereupon 94% of (male) respondents said they'd viewed pornography in the past 6 months. 94% was in the ballpark of what i'd've expected, not because 'many men' have convinced me thus (judging by this discussion, men are WAY more likely to convince their partners of the opposite; that they DONT view pornography!) but because I grew up in Western society. If you've set your stall out with your partner that you abhor pornography, he's not likely to admit he views porn! I've always expressed indifference to porn/lack of judgement with partners, because I'd prefer them to feel comfortable being honest; repressed sexuality isnt healthy in a relationship. I'm also confident that the overwhelming majority of men will be viewing standard material, ie that which matches their own image of sexuality.

I think there’s a HUGE difference between reading about something and watching it.

@GaolBhoAlba

This is another really important point. It's also about accepting that you simply can't control the actions, let alone the thoughts or desires, of another person outside of yourself, even one you know intimately.

You can be clear that you have certain red lines in a relationship which you will not cross. I would certainly not tolerate porn being watched with me or being on the receiving end of pornographic memes etc. And I would be very clear that I did not approve of it.

But when you get into the territory of speaking publicy on behalf of your significant other about their most intimate desires, you're on very shaky ground. You simply cannot ever know for sure what turns another person on. You can talk, be open, hope for honesty and encourage it. But you can't legislate for it. There are always grey areas, compromises and yes secrets in relationships.

I have never had any evidence whatsoever that my partner has consumed porn. I have made clear that I don't like it, won't partake with him and don't want to be around people who like it. And he is very accepting of that. But I would never presume to assert on his behalf that he has never watched porn. That's just about acknowledging that you and your partner are not the same person.

If you've set your stall out with your partner that you abhor pornography, he's not likely to admit he views porn!

It's probably not a hill they're willing to die on, the majority consume it quickly then get on with their day and forget about it.

@WorraLiberty

The thing is, if a man is told by his wife that watching porn is a deal breaker, he's never going to admit it even if he does watch it, is he?

It's so so simple to watch on your phone and delete history - childishly simple in fact.

This. After reading some of the responses on here I don't blame anyone.