I can’t get past DH wanting no more children

[Notquiteoneanddone]

NC and being a bit vague just as someone I know is on here and I’ve discussed this with her, hope that’s okay. Not really an AIBU but please help me give my head a wobble, I’m feeling very fragile about this.

I always wanted 4 DC and before DH and I got married we discussed this plus other fairly heavy subjects (such as finances, disciplining children, religion etc) as we wanted to be on the same page. I remember saying if 4 was too much then I’d be happy as long as we had 2.

I agreed to move away from family to a new city 3 hours away from my home town to move in with him - I was happy to do this and don’t feel any resentment about this but I think in my head I romanticised the far distant future in our own house in a lovely neighbourhood with a couple of kids. We now are between 25-30 years old (sorry bit vague) and have DD 15months who is the light of our lives. He is the absolute best dad ever, he loves her so much and is great with her. When she was about 5-6m old he sat me down and told me he didn’t think he wanted another one, I was floored, really shocked and he said he didn’t know he’d feel like this but now she was here that’s how he felt. He didn’t want to go through the newborn first few weeks in a sleep deprived fog again, he didn’t think he’d love another baby as much as her. Honestly no concrete reason just he didn’t want to. At that time I told him I needed a straight answer he can’t just say I don’t know and leave me hoping. we agreed we would discuss it again in a year when she was sleeping better and we could think about it more. We’ve sold some of her baby things (bedside crib, lots of clothes, bouncer etc) but I can’t bare to get rid of the pushchair when we no longer need it or the cot as that will make it so final. I’ve bought it up again tonight - he hates it when I bring up heavy topics in the evening but we were looking at tiny photos of DD as a newborn and I feel heartbroken I won’t get that again. We’ve had an argument and he’s basically put his foot down and said he’s made his decision.

I feel so cheated because if he had said to me straight up when we first met that he only wanted one I honestly don’t think I would have married him - we were both honest about what we wanted in the future. I wanted a big family, instead I live in that lovely house but away from family and with just the 3 of us. I love DH and DD of course but it’s lonely and I feel so sad for my sweet girl who is so sociable and friendly with other babies that she won’t have anyone around her. I understand lots of siblings don’t get on (DH doesn’t get on with his at all and I was close to mine growing up but have distanced) but we don’t have other family around either - no grandparents close (and both sets adore her) and no cousins (I’m one of 4 so she will soon have lots of them), our house is so quiet and I grew up with lots of family and lots of things happening. I can’t let go of the sadness that I’ll only have one DC, AIBU to feel this way? How do I stop it hurting?

What makes it harder for me is that I had struggles BFing in the early days so wished the time to pass faster to when she got a bit bigger and it hurt less. We also begun a house renovation when she was approx 1 month old (bad timings thanks to Covid!) and a lot of that time was spent feeling stressed. I didn’t get the chance to appreciate it whilst it was here. I also had a early MC at 6 weeks the year before we had her, i would have been due in September and now I keep thinking about it. I know some people have no DC who really want them and I fully understand that and hope I don’t come across as ungrateful because my DD is my world. I just wish I knew how not to feel so upset about it and how I can accept her being an only child. I know I can’t force him and I don’t want to anyway as he will never have that same bond with another child but will I always quietly resent him for this decision? Has anyone else been in a similar position and knows what I can do to accept this? It makes my heart hurt

Sorry this post is all over the place and sorry for the humongous essay I’m just a snivelling mess currently and need AIBU to put me straight.

I haven't been in the same position as you so I can't completely relate. But I do know that if my husband had back tracked on having a second I would have flipped.

You have to decide whether or not this is a deal breaker. You are still young, can you live with only having one child? Will you be ok and not resentful towards your husband?

If you seriously can't see a life without more children and he does not want more, than divorce may be the only option.

Yep, I wouldn't be able to get through this one.

It's completely dishonest - he reckons you're now stuck, and he can move those goalposts to where he always wanted them to be.

I would tell him it's a dealbreaker - and mean it.

The stupid thing is, it's easier - much easier - with more than one. Once you're out of the baby stage they then have companions.

I think you would end up resenting him to the extent that it would corrode things, and you're really young - no, this won't work.

It would be a deal-breaker for me too. If you stay with him you definitely won't have more children. If you leave at your age you most probably will.

It's completely dishonest - he reckons you're now stuck, and he can move those goalposts to where he always wanted them to be.

This isn't necessarily true. DH wanted two before we had DD. I didn't want any. He was the baby-mad one. The reality was pretty much what I expected (except the all-encompassing love) and for him it was harder than he expected (because he wanted it so much). Once we had one, I wanted two from none and he wanted one.

People who adore the idea are sometimes the ones who baulk at the reality.

Having said that, you're young. You could leave and have more. You never get the siblings/house/family dream. But you can have step-siblings who may or may not get on. Or would be compromise since he doesn't want more children, and move closer to your family?

Ouch this is really hard.

If you really do only have one in your future, what about moving back nearer to your family? Make it clear to him that you are facing the end of your hopes for a bigger family and that is going to mean compromise from him too.

First of all, talking about having another baby when the first is only 15 months old is far too soon for many people. It's possible that your husband will feel very differently in a year's time.

Secondly, if you're willing to breakup your family and take away your child's intact, happy home for something that may never happen for you, that's only for you, that's your choice.

Your husband did not lie to you. He hasn't deceived you, and he isn't "moving goalposts." He has just changed his mind, which we are all entitled to do.

This is hard, really hard.

As someone said above,no one knows what it is going to be like when they have kids. It could have just as easily been you realising that you just couldn't go through it all again.

But has he actually sat down with you and listened to everything that you have to say? Do you think he seriously considered it? What are his specific worries and what do you think yoh could do to alleviate them?

If you have done all this and he still doesnt want another then I think that's different from him just saying he doesnt want one and thats that and he is not discussing it. One is a decision taking everything into account and one is him telling you how it's going to be without even taking your thoughts and feelings into account.

If it's still a hard no from him, I dont know what the answer is. It's not something that's easy to get over, it's not something you can easily compromise on, and if you have one child and that's the only issue, it's not that easy to walk away for a hypothetical sibling. Maybe counselling would help get your thoughts straight?

Truly. You have been absolutely up front. So has he. But he has changed his mind about something fundamentally important to you. This would have been the end for me. In your position I’d tell him you are leaving and mean it. You will have to share care of DD, but at least you will have the chance of the additional children you desire.

I don't know if he's deceived you.

When me and my husband discussed our future wishes etc we both agreed we wanted 5 children.

I had one, I was happy, so happy. He said he still wanted around 3-4.

Then number 2 came and passed away shortly after birth. Then I became even more set on just having 1, as I wasn't going to nearly die myself again. This all happened when dd was 14 months.
Dh decided no more children too risky.

Then my sweet baby was born this year with a coil attached to him! So I have a 3.5 and now a 5 month old.

I told dh no more. This is fine. He wants another one Atleast in few years but won't pressurise it's.

My point is. We change our minds and I don't think he's being evil.
If you changed your mind. But dh didn't. Would you force your body through pregnancy and raising a baby because you needed to honour your words pre child?

Maybe wait a little first.

He is perfectly entitled to change his mind. Plenty of people have a rose tinted, unrealistic view of what parenting will be like before they actually have children - hence lots of men declaring they 'want a whole football team' bollocks.

I understand you're disappointed but your child is still very young, 15 months is a tough age. He may well change his mind in a few years but I think you need to come to terms with the fact that he may not.

I don’t think your husband deceived you either - it’s much easier to agree to having multiple children without having experienced one! It sounds like it was harder than he expected and it’s reasonable for him not to want to go through it again. It’s reasonable for you to want a second too (although personally I think 4 is unreasonable for anyone).
I guess you have to weigh up how important a hypothetical second child is to you vs keeping your existing family together.
But as pp says, if your DD is only 15 months and you are still young yourself then you still have a while and your DH may change his mind once she is in school for example.

That sounds really hard. It's still early days and he may change his mind but if you want a bigger family you may need to leave him. Also, you may wish to be closer to home and that is valid too.

Thank you all for the comments, it’s nice to get a range of opinions. I know it’s hard to tell from a MN post but I 100% don’t feel he’s deceived me or done this purposefully, he doesn’t get on with his sibling at all and just has his DP as family as cousins are only a few and not very close anyway. So I feel this is something that has naturally helped him change his mind.

He is a brilliant DH and dad to DD, it’s just sad because I don’t know if I can get past this. I can’t see myself ever letting go of the want for another child especially as all my mum friends will soon be having their second

This is hard to read but I agree with this:

• @Aquamarine1029 Secondly, if you're willing to breakup your family and take away your child's intact, happy home for something that may never happen for you, that's only for you, that's your choice. *

But equally I think this is likely going to be the case which is sad:

• @Skeumorph I think you would end up resenting him to the extent that it would corrode things, and you're really young - no, this won't work.

Sigh.

Thank you for the responses though, I really appreciate being able to let it out. I haven’t talked about it at all except to one friend. Our DPs both mention it in passing occasionally like ‘oh make sure you keep the crib in the attic for the next one’ - I don’t say anything because I don’t want it to become A Thing

I really think you need to give him some space and time, op. Your baby is still so young. Your husband may very well feel quite differently in the not so distant future.

I told DH I wanted 3 kids. I was absolutely 100% sure about that, he was ok with the thought of 2.

I had DD. I have absolutely no desire to have another one. None. At all. Like a switch went off.

DH is entitled to change his mind and as someone has already said, 15 months is still really young, if you got pregnant now you'd have a newborn and a 2 year old! Bugger that.

And yes I think it has been harder than he expected but equally DD is “easier” than a lot of babies so I think (he hasn’t said but) he might be thinking he definitely won’t be able to hope with a harder experience

I was lucky and had a straightforward pregnancy and birth. No reflux or colic or TT. Just normal sleep deprivation and the usual stuff. So yes it could be a lot harder second time round and if I was to push it and this is the case, it would be my fault

I'd give it time. A year. See what he says then. As ur first gets a bit older it can feel like u have some breathing space to think of more kids. So see how you go. If he remains glued to this idea then ul hav to be honest that it's a deal breaker for u.

He is perfectly entitled to change his mind about the number of children he wants. Whatever he may have said before he became a parent, he didn’t at that stage understand the reality of what’s involved. Now he does, and he has decided one is enough for him, and that is completely reasonable.

You, however, are perfectly entitled to not change your mind and to still want more children. If he has made up his mind not to, then you have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you.

I could have written your post, OP, bar the specifics. My DS is 5 and I longed for him so much, 3 mcs before him. 28 when I had him.

I live 300 miles from my family, DP is an only with elderly parents so soon it will just be the three of us. I’ve wanted a big family forever, definitely more than one, since I was a child.

When DS turned three I outright said it was time to try. DP was a hard no. 2 years down the line and I still cry about it most days and my heart breaks for my DS and me. I’ve had therapy, I’ve tried hard to accept it and I can’t. Nothing makes it easier.

If I were you, I’d leave. Your DD is still young, as are you. It would destroy my DS if I left now and I wish I’d done it when he was young enough for it to be his normal.

I know that I will be unhappy forever now, whatever I do.

And just to add no your husband hasn't deceived you. Me and my husband wanted a huge family when we met after we had our first we realised our expectations must've been a little high.

After dd1 both dh and I thought maybe we’ll stick at 1 (previously saying 2 or 3) but once she was 2.5 there was a moment on a beach in Spain when all the families had siblings playing and dd just had us and I suddenly wanted number 2. I mentioned it lightly that evening and dh was thinking the same thing. We waited 3 months then started trying for number 2 so dd would be 3.5 once baby was born so one in a pushchair and one in nappies etc… great plan except I had twins! So now we have 3dc and I wouldn’t change it for the world but I can’t help thinking 2 dc must be so much easier (when one has a play date the house is a much calmer place - the rest of the time it’s like a permanent play date here!).

I think it’s unfair to expect people not to change their mind about something they’ve not experienced but 15 months in is tough so it may not be final. At 15 months we definitely were sticking with one dc but luckily we both felt the same. It may be final though so I’d want to keep communication open. If that’s shut down then I would have an issue.

The harsh fact is half of all marriages end in divorce.

How would you feel if that happened and you still only had one child?

Personally it would be a deal breaker for me if I truly wanted another child.

I feel sorry for you OP as it’s a really tough one but I don’t think it was done to dupe you as done pp are suggesting.

He probably finds being a father harder than what he ever imagined and so he’s been honest and told you now so I think that’s to be respected.

I don’t know what the answer is but i most wanted to say I don’t think you should leave him because he’s been ‘dishonest’.

Good luck x

If you were insisting on holding him to 4, I'd say YABU but it is not unreasonable to want a sibling for your first-born. Are you sure everything else is hunky dory apart from this one thing? How does he see life moving forward for the 3 of you?

I think he is reasonable to change his mind.

I think you are reasonable to leave him and find someone else to have number 2. Or leave him and use a donor to have number 2.