I can’t get past DH wanting no more children

[Notquiteoneanddone]

NC and being a bit vague just as someone I know is on here and I’ve discussed this with her, hope that’s okay. Not really an AIBU but please help me give my head a wobble, I’m feeling very fragile about this.

I always wanted 4 DC and before DH and I got married we discussed this plus other fairly heavy subjects (such as finances, disciplining children, religion etc) as we wanted to be on the same page. I remember saying if 4 was too much then I’d be happy as long as we had 2.

I agreed to move away from family to a new city 3 hours away from my home town to move in with him - I was happy to do this and don’t feel any resentment about this but I think in my head I romanticised the far distant future in our own house in a lovely neighbourhood with a couple of kids. We now are between 25-30 years old (sorry bit vague) and have DD 15months who is the light of our lives. He is the absolute best dad ever, he loves her so much and is great with her. When she was about 5-6m old he sat me down and told me he didn’t think he wanted another one, I was floored, really shocked and he said he didn’t know he’d feel like this but now she was here that’s how he felt. He didn’t want to go through the newborn first few weeks in a sleep deprived fog again, he didn’t think he’d love another baby as much as her. Honestly no concrete reason just he didn’t want to. At that time I told him I needed a straight answer he can’t just say I don’t know and leave me hoping. we agreed we would discuss it again in a year when she was sleeping better and we could think about it more. We’ve sold some of her baby things (bedside crib, lots of clothes, bouncer etc) but I can’t bare to get rid of the pushchair when we no longer need it or the cot as that will make it so final. I’ve bought it up again tonight - he hates it when I bring up heavy topics in the evening but we were looking at tiny photos of DD as a newborn and I feel heartbroken I won’t get that again. We’ve had an argument and he’s basically put his foot down and said he’s made his decision.

I feel so cheated because if he had said to me straight up when we first met that he only wanted one I honestly don’t think I would have married him - we were both honest about what we wanted in the future. I wanted a big family, instead I live in that lovely house but away from family and with just the 3 of us. I love DH and DD of course but it’s lonely and I feel so sad for my sweet girl who is so sociable and friendly with other babies that she won’t have anyone around her. I understand lots of siblings don’t get on (DH doesn’t get on with his at all and I was close to mine growing up but have distanced) but we don’t have other family around either - no grandparents close (and both sets adore her) and no cousins (I’m one of 4 so she will soon have lots of them), our house is so quiet and I grew up with lots of family and lots of things happening. I can’t let go of the sadness that I’ll only have one DC, AIBU to feel this way? How do I stop it hurting?

What makes it harder for me is that I had struggles BFing in the early days so wished the time to pass faster to when she got a bit bigger and it hurt less. We also begun a house renovation when she was approx 1 month old (bad timings thanks to Covid!) and a lot of that time was spent feeling stressed. I didn’t get the chance to appreciate it whilst it was here. I also had a early MC at 6 weeks the year before we had her, i would have been due in September and now I keep thinking about it. I know some people have no DC who really want them and I fully understand that and hope I don’t come across as ungrateful because my DD is my world. I just wish I knew how not to feel so upset about it and how I can accept her being an only child. I know I can’t force him and I don’t want to anyway as he will never have that same bond with another child but will I always quietly resent him for this decision? Has anyone else been in a similar position and knows what I can do to accept this? It makes my heart hurt

Sorry this post is all over the place and sorry for the humongous essay I’m just a snivelling mess currently and need AIBU to put me straight.

He's entitled to change his mind. No one really knows what being a parent is going to be like until it happens.

I’m afraid it would be a deal breaker for me, not to have a second.
If he doesn’t want any more kids he should get a vasectomy, if he won’t then he’s keeping his options open. Either with you or someone else.
My DH refused a third and I have to say it’s a part of the reason I feel such resentment against him, and why our relationship is in the edge. I can honestly say I’ve never forgiven him.

And he's now 100% in charge of contraception, yes?

It’s a tough situation OP. I think a lot of people change their minds about how many children to have once they see what it’s like. I would ask your DH would he be willing to revisit the topic when DD is 3 or so. You’ll be well past the baby stage and he might look forward to another then.

Personally I wouldn’t end the marriage over this and there’s a lot of benefits to having only 1. I’ve had 2 under 2 and it’s much harder than going places with just one child, it’s more expensive, your time is split between them etc.

People change their minds, often about children as it's nothing like you expect. Some people thrive on it, others hate it, and everything in between. There's no right or wrong.

You could leave him and have dc alone, or you could meet someone and have a whole tribe of them, or you could leave and only have the one. The difference about you leaving is that you control it (as much as you can), if you stay you'll have to come to terms with your dh and the resentment that will likely happen and that itself might end the marriage.

To differ so strongly on something like children is often a deal breaker

I think wanting more children is a nice thing to want but not a given, not a deal breaker. Having one child isn't a given. So you have a lovely life with your daughter and husband and I think you'd be crazy to rock that boat. All children grow up and become independent adults, all mother's, all parents have to move on from raising babies to do other things with themselves, their time and energy.

@WaltzingBetty If a husband or a wife felt that they were no longer compatible for any reason, they have the freedom to leave, and to end their marriage. It’s not prison.

Ideally, Notquiteoneanddone and her husband can reach a compromise. This takes open communication. Not, this is what I have decided for us and I won’t discuss it further.

I really feel for you OP. You are upset and the future that your DH is suggesting isn’t what you imagined. It sounds like you have a lot going on, with the house renovations do you think this could be why DH doesn’t want another child. Have you any friends in RL that can help to support you? I have two children that are adults now, we agreed two from the start and had them very close our two are brothers and best friends. Of course you DH is entitled to change his mind, but will cause an impact on your marriage. Resentment is likely to build. Only you can decide whether this is acceptable to you. Good luck

I’m on the other side OP. We both THOUGHT we wanted two before we got married even, but the reality of the newborn and baby stage nearly killed me. I really didn’t enjoy my maternity leave and ended up with postnatal depression, for which I’m still receiving treatment now my son is over 2.

My husband would have liked another I think, but it took ages to conceive this one and we are stopping at one. If he said he was leaving me over it (which he isn’t - he has been very understanding) I would think that was pretty unreasonable, particularly as some of the way he behaved in the early days definitely contributed to the PND. Lockdown didn’t help either, obviously.

It is a really tough situation, I am right in the middle of it too. We always wanted two, now have a 2 year old and my husband is 80% one and done. I think parenting is very different, and a lot tougher, than expected. We have just booked in for some couple's counselling to work through the issue and come to a resolution we can both accept. We both recognise that either option will leave one person disappointed. We don't want that, but it is unavoidable. We just need to mitigate the damage either way.

Some points I am considering at the moment:

• You can't force someone to have another child. Both people need to be all in, or it is not a good situation to add another child.
• It is not just a choice between having two kids, or resenting my husband forever. My attitude and mindset will really determine this. I need to recognise that it might be a choice between my happy marriage and happy/mentally well husband or a possible second child.
• I would never leave for the possibility of a second with someone else. I would be breaking up my daughter's stable home for a big maybe that may or may not happen, with shared custody of my current child and only one child half of the time anyway.
• I am trying really hard to understand my husband's point of view, rather than just running with my perspective. He has struggled with post-natal depression, stress, anger and general unhappiness since having a baby. I can't just minimise that - of course he is reluctant to go through it all again.

Good luck with whatever you decide - I hope you can both work through this and find a solution.

Awwww OP this is so hard. He may change his mind but I agree with you that he has moved the goalposts and it's not fair on you. I would wait a year and then see where you are....he clearly isn't moving on this at the moment. This is a very un certain time with covid and costs of living etc.. is he stressed? (I would gently suggest though that number 2 (or more) in my experience doesn't really give you the opportunity to allow you the time to enjoy newborns more...its so hectic with 2 and the landscape has changed. With no family support there is little time for recapturing the magical times of your first newborn yhat you now have the confidence and skills to do. Its a rush ..keeping everyone happy and a big adjustment ) Hopefully he will change his mind x

I wanted 4 before I had any, and after my first quickly changed that family image. We do now have 2 but I don’t think it was dishonestly I think it was being naive to what having a baby is like

I don’t think PPs are fair to characterise him as dishonest.

Before I had my baby I would have sworn blind that I would have at least two, probably three. That was 100% my vision for my family, and it’s what my husband and I discussed. But now that I’ve had my baby, I’m pretty confident I am done with one. My family feels complete, and I have no desires to go through the newborn stage again.

You don’t actually know how you are going to feel until you’ve had a baby. It’s completely possible to change your mind from a position you were very committed to once you know what it’s like. It’s not dishonest; it’s a natural consequence of experience for many people.

Which doesn’t make it easier for you of course, OP. I’m lucky that my husband is very accepting of my decision. He would like more, but he is more than happy to stop where we are for my sake. My life would be harder and sadder if he didn’t feel that way.

I really feel for you because there’s no easy resolution. It’s understandable that this feels like a sort of bereavement to you, a loss of the family you thought you would have. Counselling may help, and hopefully with time passing the pain will lessen anyway.

People are always quick to throw out divorce as a suggestion in these circumstances. I don’t think it’s a good solution. If the rest of your relationship is good and happy, divorce is drastic. It deprives your daughter of the stability and love of a home shared with both parents. It inflicts a blended family on her, and while blended families can be wonderful, they can also be very difficult. It deprives her of full time contact with both parents, and could leave her feeling like she wasn’t enough.

I also think it’s a disingenuous suggestion, because I think many posters believe that threatening divorce will force a reluctant partner to agree to another baby. And you have very rightly said you don’t want to force his hand.

Whatever happens, I hope you’re able to make peace with it and move forward. It’s a horrible situation and I do really feel for you

My husband said this after our first was born
I nearly died when I was pregnant

I am now pregnant with our third (second unplanned) baby

Do you use contraception

My husband said if it happened it happened

But I grieved for years because we always said we would have three kids

It felt like a huge let down but I loved him so much I couldn't leave

The baby is young to be making such permanent decisions can you talk again

What about giving him an ultimatum?

Awful, he can't fuck with your life in this massive way because sleep disturbance is hard!!
I also couldn't imagine living another as much as my first, but guess what, along comes second and the live is just as huge!
He needs to buckle in for the ride because if he thinks a year or so of being on the team while you get through some sleep disturbance is hard how does he think 20+years of a resentful and bitter wife is going to be!!??
This is not small fry and he doesn't just get to make a promise then massively reverse on it with impunity.
A marriage has to last if he wants to give his daughter a stable family upbringing and he's just massively blown a hole in the side of it by pulling the rug from under you emotionally and expecting you to just stand back up and carry on.
He's deluded if he thinks he's picking the easier option by doing this.
I'm furious for you.
If you hadn't discussed it that would be one thing, but you did and he needs to stand by his honour and not fuck about with big things that seriously matter and still expect his life (and his daughters) to remain all just so.

Hi OP, so I have been in your position. Like you we'd had very open discussions from day one over how many children we wanted and had both always said two. I had a difficult pregnancy, traumatic birth and then feeding issues. DS was also a poor sleeper. So when he was about 15 months I started the conversation about when we were going to start ttc again as we'd always said we'd ideally like a 2 year gap between the children and DH floored me by saying he'd decided he didn't want another child at all. Gave me a load of reasons, some understandable, some less so, but all devastating. What followed was 1.5 years of me being miserable and resentful towards DH. I very much considered leaving as it really did feel like a deal breaker for me.

I feel "lucky" in that DH eventually agreed to reconsider and I recently gave birth to our second child. I really hope for your sake that, your DH reconsiders, it's so hard when it's a decision that you have to both agree on and unlike many decisions in life there really is no compromise or meeting in the middle. I'd say don't throw anything away, give it more time but communicate clearly to DH if you're not sure that your marriage can survive his reversal of decision.

Blimey! No one else think that he wants another and originally has planned to have more but the reality of having kids is v different to the fantasy of it

I usually err on respect the choice of the one that doesn’t want more and you have to do that but I think this is very tough. You discussed a large family and both agreed to that. It was a condition of you marrying. Two would be a fair compromise.

if you're willing to breakup your family and take away your child's intact, happy home for something that may never happen for you, that's only for you, that's your choice.

Trouble is, it may not be a happy home if the situation breeds resentment and I wouldn't blame the OP if it did. He's not at fault for changing his mind, she's not at fault for wanting more children, but it does mean they may no longer be compatible.

I would pick another time to talk to him OP. And make it clear that you do need to talk, because otherwise this may be the end of your marriage. Having a child during Covid won't have been a remotely normal experience, so point that out. I don't mean that you hold the end of the marriage as a threat over him, but he does need to realise that he has to at least talk to you about this.

Leaving and seeing if you could have more children will be a gamble, yes. But it may be that that gamble is better than staying and trying to accept the status quo.

Also two is actually easier than one my two played together from when the youngest was 3 or so. Parents with one had to make way more effort with entertaining them.

I wanted 3 children, DH wanted 2 so we sort of agreed on 2. After a difficult pregnancy and birth, stay in NICU and a tough first year… We’re both done. I love DS so so much but have absolutely no desire for any more- as someone said above, it’s like a switch has gone off. I’m lucky that DH feels the same! I think it probably would’ve ended our relationship if we didn’t agree on this.

This would probably be a ‘deal breaker’ for me, given your age, especially if you’re late 20s.

An issue if you break up will be that moving back to your preferred location could be legally barred and/or bad for your DC (their time and relationship with their father).

I made more concessions (note - not compromises) early on in my relationship than I was really OK with at the time, or later. Especially living in DH’s preferred location. Concessions that he wouldn’t have been willing to make for me. That has had some negative ramifications.

I’ve made the best of the location, eg there are more jobs where we live than where I would have chosen, new friends.

I'm going against the grain. It's one thing saying Yesi want 2,3 or 4 kids etc, and meaning that at the time. However, when a child comes along the reality hits of how hard being a parent is, this making your original views change.
I don't think he deliberately lied to you, his views have just changed.

Obviously not helped with having a new born and renovating at the same time. Both are stressful in their own right, so double stressful doing both at the same time, especially if one parent is still working full time. That can play a huge toll on your mental health.

You write your post as having only 1 child is 'terrible', why? Having one child is less financially draining, you will be able to do more with one child 'money wise' than you could if you have 4 children or even 2 children'

If you love your partner and your family unit (with this being the only issue in the relationship) then I wouldnt be splitting up or divorcing. There's no guarantee you will meet someone else that wants to both taken your child you have as well as creating another child.

I would sit your partner down, find out all the reasons why he thinks one is enough (such as the lack of sleep you mentioned), this can be just too much for some. But equally, he might change his mind in a year or two (when he's less tired, when child is bit older) and have resetted his body and mind to feel ready to have another, equally he may not.

One child in a loving family unit is better than children in broken relationships splitting their time with both parents.

You need to weigh up whether splitting up (and possible 50/50 custody) is better than staying together with just one child

Before we had DC I decided that if we had DC and he was a good father I would stay where we live in the event of divorce, since IMO this would be best for the DC.

You are very young. You have lots of time. I couldn't get past it either. You have already agreed to compromise on your initial wishes.

I think you probably need to go to therapy and be absolutely clear about your own desires and then say it's a deal breaker for you and be prepared to leave