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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t get past DH wanting no more children

278 replies

Notquiteoneanddone · 24/10/2021 23:24

NC and being a bit vague just as someone I know is on here and I’ve discussed this with her, hope that’s okay. Not really an AIBU but please help me give my head a wobble, I’m feeling very fragile about this.

I always wanted 4 DC and before DH and I got married we discussed this plus other fairly heavy subjects (such as finances, disciplining children, religion etc) as we wanted to be on the same page. I remember saying if 4 was too much then I’d be happy as long as we had 2.

I agreed to move away from family to a new city 3 hours away from my home town to move in with him - I was happy to do this and don’t feel any resentment about this but I think in my head I romanticised the far distant future in our own house in a lovely neighbourhood with a couple of kids. We now are between 25-30 years old (sorry bit vague) and have DD 15months who is the light of our lives. He is the absolute best dad ever, he loves her so much and is great with her. When she was about 5-6m old he sat me down and told me he didn’t think he wanted another one, I was floored, really shocked and he said he didn’t know he’d feel like this but now she was here that’s how he felt. He didn’t want to go through the newborn first few weeks in a sleep deprived fog again, he didn’t think he’d love another baby as much as her. Honestly no concrete reason just he didn’t want to. At that time I told him I needed a straight answer he can’t just say I don’t know and leave me hoping. we agreed we would discuss it again in a year when she was sleeping better and we could think about it more. We’ve sold some of her baby things (bedside crib, lots of clothes, bouncer etc) but I can’t bare to get rid of the pushchair when we no longer need it or the cot as that will make it so final. I’ve bought it up again tonight - he hates it when I bring up heavy topics in the evening but we were looking at tiny photos of DD as a newborn and I feel heartbroken I won’t get that again. We’ve had an argument and he’s basically put his foot down and said he’s made his decision.

I feel so cheated because if he had said to me straight up when we first met that he only wanted one I honestly don’t think I would have married him - we were both honest about what we wanted in the future. I wanted a big family, instead I live in that lovely house but away from family and with just the 3 of us. I love DH and DD of course but it’s lonely and I feel so sad for my sweet girl who is so sociable and friendly with other babies that she won’t have anyone around her. I understand lots of siblings don’t get on (DH doesn’t get on with his at all and I was close to mine growing up but have distanced) but we don’t have other family around either - no grandparents close (and both sets adore her) and no cousins (I’m one of 4 so she will soon have lots of them), our house is so quiet and I grew up with lots of family and lots of things happening. I can’t let go of the sadness that I’ll only have one DC, AIBU to feel this way? How do I stop it hurting?

What makes it harder for me is that I had struggles BFing in the early days so wished the time to pass faster to when she got a bit bigger and it hurt less. We also begun a house renovation when she was approx 1 month old (bad timings thanks to Covid!) and a lot of that time was spent feeling stressed. I didn’t get the chance to appreciate it whilst it was here. I also had a early MC at 6 weeks the year before we had her, i would have been due in September and now I keep thinking about it. I know some people have no DC who really want them and I fully understand that and hope I don’t come across as ungrateful because my DD is my world. I just wish I knew how not to feel so upset about it and how I can accept her being an only child. I know I can’t force him and I don’t want to anyway as he will never have that same bond with another child but will I always quietly resent him for this decision? Has anyone else been in a similar position and knows what I can do to accept this? It makes my heart hurt Sad

Sorry this post is all over the place and sorry for the humongous essay Blush I’m just a snivelling mess currently and need AIBU to put me straight.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 25/10/2021 20:16

Has he said he's going to get a vasectomy?

Sadly this isn't a position you can compromise on, nobody should deliberately have a child they don't want.

I just always think this is difficult, because for women we have a time frame to work with and a limit for how long it's possible to have children. A man can say he doesn't want another child for the next 20 years and then change his mind.

If you decide to stay with him he needs to take care of contraception, as that would be a dealbreaker for me.

AlexaShutUp · 25/10/2021 20:19

I agree that there doesn't have to be a logical reason for wanting another child. But equally, there doesn't have to be a reason for not wanting one.

A few people have asked why his desire not to have another child should trump her desire to have one, but surely is isn't just about what the parents want - it would be unfair to the child itself to be brought into the world with one parent not even wanting it from the start?

MissChanandlerBong81 · 25/10/2021 20:27

Such a difficult situation and I really feel for you. Because there just isn’t any compromise is there? It’s totally binary - there’s no halfway house between having a baby and not having a baby. I remember when I wanted a second child that it really was an all-consuming desire, it was what I wanted more than anything else. Thankfully my DH felt the same way but I really don’t know how I’d have come to terms with it if he hadn’t.

jamandmarmalade · 25/10/2021 20:51

@Notquiteoneanddone

p.s Also, no two pregnancies are the same. You may have a child when DD has just started school and so enough of a gap for DD to have her time enjoying school and fewer demands than say a 3yr old. He may change his mind. You may have a second baby who sleeps through the night?

You don't have to have sex with DH if you don't want to. You have your choices too when it comes to putting foot down.

LJAKS · 25/10/2021 20:58

I lived this. Always wanted two, discussed before marriage etc. Full agreement. Then after DD born he didn't want another. It corroded the relationship. He would use it as a carrot to get me to do what he wanted. "If I paid off my debt we could have another" so I'd pay it. "If we had one last big holiday we could have another" so I paid for that too. "If I had free time and a season ticket for the football I'd consider it" and like a fool... anyway we never did have another. I left the marriage when DD was 4. I hated him by the end. I was happy with never having another child but couldn't look at him in the same light and the marriage never recovered. I now have a new partner who I've been with for over a year and I'm 13 weeks. Unplanned but we're happy about it 🤪

jamandmarmalade · 25/10/2021 21:01

@LJAKS

congratulations Flowers so sorry your first husband manipulated you like that. Be happy.

billy1966 · 26/10/2021 00:02

@LJAKS congratulations.

OP, I think asking him to take 100% responsibility for all contraception is reasonable, as is asking when he is getting a vasectomy.

30mph · 26/10/2021 15:18

I agree about suggesting he gets a vasectomy. It will be interesting to see his reaction and might even make him think more deeply about what he is asking you to commit to. As it is, his future options remain open, don't they? Whereas, yours are time-limited.

30mph · 26/10/2021 15:22

Our DPs both mention it in passing occasionally like ‘oh make sure you keep the crib in the attic for the next one’ - I don’t say anything because I don’t want it to become A Thing

Please don't do this. It is really unfair on yourself. Every time it is hinted at you are going to be sad and in pain. Be honest, and simply say that DH doesn't want any more children and you'd rather they left the topic alone.

billy1966 · 26/10/2021 15:50

@30mph

Completely agree with both the above posts.

Put both parents firmly in the picture.
Why wouldn't you?

His answer to a vasectomy will be very telling.

If he says No to it, you have your answer.

He will be limiting your options whilst his remain open.

I have come across a few unfortunate women who remained childless and unmarried, as their partners weren't keen on any children/marriage🙄.... for the relationship to go tits up in their 40's and their Ex's to have met, married and had children within 2 years with women a decade younger.

Heartbreaking, as these were bright women whose older sisters (my friends) had warned them that they were being very foolish, but they couldn't be told and had to learn the hard way.

Very sad as they are nice women, if a bit naive.

"When a man wants you, you know, when he doesn't, you are confused."

JudgementalCactus · 26/10/2021 16:03

@Iwonder08

If you want to leave then leave. But please don't try to bring 'my sweet little girl needs a sibling' into the argument. Own it, it is your wellbeing, not hers you are prioritising. In 100% of cases any sweet little girl will prefer to be with her loving dad (as you described him) every day to having a half sibling.
This x100!
EasterIssland · 26/10/2021 22:59

So.. where does the “my body my decision” end when the body belongs to a man? Shouldn’t be their decision to decide whether to have a vasectomy rather than the woman asking them to do it? Seems like if they refuse to it’s because they’re playing with op according to some of you … I’d really not have any surgery because someone else asks me to

MiddleParking · 27/10/2021 03:38

@EasterIssland

So.. where does the “my body my decision” end when the body belongs to a man? Shouldn’t be their decision to decide whether to have a vasectomy rather than the woman asking them to do it? Seems like if they refuse to it’s because they’re playing with op according to some of you … I’d really not have any surgery because someone else asks me to
No one has ever said bodily autonomy means that women can’t ask their husband to get a vasectomy Confused that’s like saying that no man should ever tell his wife or girlfriend that he would like a child.
EveningSlush · 27/10/2021 04:15

Sorry if this has already been said, but you've said how much of an amazing dad he is so does that mean that if you split, you'll be happy with 50/50 custody of your DD?

Is having another child really worth breaking your happy family and likely reducing the time you have with DD?

Personally, I think that's incredibly selfish.

Wallywobbles · 27/10/2021 04:45

Does you DH réalise you are thinking that this might be the end for your couple. Because you should definitely tell him. I had 2 only 14 months apart. Neither were quite planned timing wise. But I couldn't have waited years either for him to change his mind. That's not having 2 together. That's 2 singles.

EasterIssland · 27/10/2021 07:16

@MiddleParking im talking About those comments saying ask your husband to have it and if he rejects then he’s being selfish and doesn’t respect you

callmeadoctor · 27/10/2021 09:53

If he doesnt want kids then he should look after contraception, so the snip (very safe) or condoms for him!!

Emilyontmoor · 27/10/2021 10:19

That's not having 2 together. That's 2 singles. what? The majority of families I know have a 3/4 year gap between their children. It is really not unusual to not want to deal with two children under two for obvious reasons, which may be at the nub of OPs actual issue, we won’t know because they have not been back Hmm

So my DB and I and my two (now twenty something) children somehow have less of a sibling relationship because if it? Complete rubbish.

Obviously you have found yourself dealing with two under two, that’s fine but don’t kid yourself it is somehow of benefit to your children and a bigger gap would be any sort of problem. It really isn’t. I know siblings who are ten or more years apart and still have that bond.

Eralos · 27/10/2021 10:32

It would be a dealbreaker for me

RealBecca · 27/10/2021 10:35

You need to talk to a consellor about this as its a big deal.

Does your daughter want a stepdad and sibling more than your family unit? Do you want that? Why do you think siblings are important? Most only children love it so dont assume she is missing out because thats your view of the world, it might not be hers.

Theres a lot to think about.

BrilloPaddy · 27/10/2021 10:39

I think you need to be really honest and say this could be a deal breaker for you, so he needs to be 100% sure that his mind can't or won't change.

I have got 3 children - they are my absolute world, and watching them as siblings as they've grown has given me untold joy. One would never have been enough for me.

It's OK for you to have needs too.

MissChanandlerBong81 · 27/10/2021 11:30

I lived this. Always wanted two, discussed before marriage etc. Full agreement. Then after DD born he didn't want another. It corroded the relationship. He would use it as a carrot to get me to do what he wanted. "If I paid off my debt we could have another" so I'd pay it. "If we had one last big holiday we could have another" so I paid for that too. "If I had free time and a season ticket for the football I'd consider it" and like a fool... anyway we never did have another. I left the marriage when DD was 4. I hated him by the end.

I’m really sorry your ex manipulated you like that. You aren’t the first person I’ve heard of this happening to. The man - aware he holds all the cards from a time and fertility point of view - uses his partner’s deep desire for another child to hurt, manipulate and/or control her to his advantage.

Obviously we have no idea whether that’s the case here but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was, particularly in light of the reasons he’s given - seems like he could be trying to get OP to say ‘I’ll do all the night wakes, you’ll never have to get up!’

Obviously a person can not want to have a child for any reason they want but I think it’s worth being aware that there can be more than meets the eye to this kind of situation - it isn’t necessarily as simple as ‘you’re a selfish arse if you break up your family over this’. If someone’s partner is using their needs to hurt or manipulate them then the relationship is (and should be) doomed.

MissChanandlerBong81 · 27/10/2021 11:34

So.. where does the “my body my decision” end when the body belongs to a man? Shouldn’t be their decision to decide whether to have a vasectomy rather than the woman asking them to do it? Seems like if they refuse to it’s because they’re playing with op according to some of you … I’d really not have any surgery because someone else asks me to

OP can ask and he can make his own decision in response to the question - no one’s proposing she forcibly castrates him. And OP can then make her own decisions based on his decisions.

Sillawithans · 27/10/2021 11:43

I've got 4 children op, 2 boys, 2 girls. They are 13, 14, 15 and 16.
I can see the benefits of having just 1 and giving them everything.
When mine were small life was easier, now 4 kids are going in different directions, different interests. Life is expensive, keeping them clothed, fed and in their clubs is another mortgage and keeping on top of school is a full time job.

EasterIssland · 27/10/2021 16:13

@MissChanandlerBong81

So.. where does the “my body my decision” end when the body belongs to a man? Shouldn’t be their decision to decide whether to have a vasectomy rather than the woman asking them to do it? Seems like if they refuse to it’s because they’re playing with op according to some of you … I’d really not have any surgery because someone else asks me to

OP can ask and he can make his own decision in response to the question - no one’s proposing she forcibly castrates him. And OP can then make her own decisions based on his decisions.

many people in here are saying if he refuses to have a vasectomy is because they want to have the chance of having a kid in the future (with someone else maybe?) whilst it might be just that they dont want to have a surgery and It should be respected rather than acusan them of something else.