I can’t get past DH wanting no more children

[Notquiteoneanddone]

NC and being a bit vague just as someone I know is on here and I’ve discussed this with her, hope that’s okay. Not really an AIBU but please help me give my head a wobble, I’m feeling very fragile about this.

I always wanted 4 DC and before DH and I got married we discussed this plus other fairly heavy subjects (such as finances, disciplining children, religion etc) as we wanted to be on the same page. I remember saying if 4 was too much then I’d be happy as long as we had 2.

I agreed to move away from family to a new city 3 hours away from my home town to move in with him - I was happy to do this and don’t feel any resentment about this but I think in my head I romanticised the far distant future in our own house in a lovely neighbourhood with a couple of kids. We now are between 25-30 years old (sorry bit vague) and have DD 15months who is the light of our lives. He is the absolute best dad ever, he loves her so much and is great with her. When she was about 5-6m old he sat me down and told me he didn’t think he wanted another one, I was floored, really shocked and he said he didn’t know he’d feel like this but now she was here that’s how he felt. He didn’t want to go through the newborn first few weeks in a sleep deprived fog again, he didn’t think he’d love another baby as much as her. Honestly no concrete reason just he didn’t want to. At that time I told him I needed a straight answer he can’t just say I don’t know and leave me hoping. we agreed we would discuss it again in a year when she was sleeping better and we could think about it more. We’ve sold some of her baby things (bedside crib, lots of clothes, bouncer etc) but I can’t bare to get rid of the pushchair when we no longer need it or the cot as that will make it so final. I’ve bought it up again tonight - he hates it when I bring up heavy topics in the evening but we were looking at tiny photos of DD as a newborn and I feel heartbroken I won’t get that again. We’ve had an argument and he’s basically put his foot down and said he’s made his decision.

I feel so cheated because if he had said to me straight up when we first met that he only wanted one I honestly don’t think I would have married him - we were both honest about what we wanted in the future. I wanted a big family, instead I live in that lovely house but away from family and with just the 3 of us. I love DH and DD of course but it’s lonely and I feel so sad for my sweet girl who is so sociable and friendly with other babies that she won’t have anyone around her. I understand lots of siblings don’t get on (DH doesn’t get on with his at all and I was close to mine growing up but have distanced) but we don’t have other family around either - no grandparents close (and both sets adore her) and no cousins (I’m one of 4 so she will soon have lots of them), our house is so quiet and I grew up with lots of family and lots of things happening. I can’t let go of the sadness that I’ll only have one DC, AIBU to feel this way? How do I stop it hurting?

What makes it harder for me is that I had struggles BFing in the early days so wished the time to pass faster to when she got a bit bigger and it hurt less. We also begun a house renovation when she was approx 1 month old (bad timings thanks to Covid!) and a lot of that time was spent feeling stressed. I didn’t get the chance to appreciate it whilst it was here. I also had a early MC at 6 weeks the year before we had her, i would have been due in September and now I keep thinking about it. I know some people have no DC who really want them and I fully understand that and hope I don’t come across as ungrateful because my DD is my world. I just wish I knew how not to feel so upset about it and how I can accept her being an only child. I know I can’t force him and I don’t want to anyway as he will never have that same bond with another child but will I always quietly resent him for this decision? Has anyone else been in a similar position and knows what I can do to accept this? It makes my heart hurt

Sorry this post is all over the place and sorry for the humongous essay I’m just a snivelling mess currently and need AIBU to put me straight.

@Puppermam

He didn’t want to go through the newborn first few weeks in a sleep deprived fog again, he didn’t think he’d love another baby as much as her

Sounds like pretty good reasons to me. Nobody should have a child they don't want to please someone else.

I'm a woman and i changed my mind about the number of children i wanted after the first. Dh got over it.

It's not fair on your child to break up her family for the idea of a second child. She will have to negotiate having two homes, stepparents and step/half siblings for the rest of her life - just because she's not enough for you. How do you fancy the idea of her dad having 50% contact?

Exactly. I couldn't ever imagine being willing to give up half of my time with my existing child simply in order to have a second one.

There’s nothing wrong with dh admitting he found the newborn stage hard, a lot of people do (me included).

However, it’s now another year down the line. Is it worth re-visiting the subject now your dc us older, and hopefully easier to cope with. Marybeth address what he didn’t like about the newborn stage, and plan measures to address this (if possible). The first baby can be a shock to the system for all.

I think we are going to have to get used to having fewer children anyway now for environmental reasons. But that aside simply changing his mind is allowed. Anyone should be allowed to do it. There are however costs of breaking up the family to maybe get another child which may not happen due to fertility issues or circumstance changes. Plus there are benefits to one child families and children are expensive and if you have a big reduction in earning power then having the safety net of smaller outgoings or not needing a massive house for 3+ children is a benefit.

I really feel for you, OP. I think it’s wise to give it a year and to find someone professional to talk to about this together.

I’d also make it very clear that he is now taking full responsibility for contraception, and that under no circumstances will you terminate an unplanned pregnancy if it happens.

This is an easy one for me. You massively compromised for him. He isn't for you. Go back near your parents with your kid. Give yourself a chance to find someone who wants what you want. Tell your dh this is a deal breaker for you, you have always been clear and given in enough for him. But you have to follow through. He may change his mind. He may not. I doubt you'll get past this so ni point staying. As pp said easier to leave when the kid is young.

I know someone who went through the same, she became so miserable and depressed he gave in. He is also now much happier as she is. Now the newborn phase is over! Making your wife miserable is worse than going through 2 tough years.

I would also want to know if he is willing to have a vasectomy, if he doesn't want any more children then it would be a sensible thing to do as you don't then have to worry about contraception.

Id be very interested what his answer would be?

@Standrewsschool

There’s nothing wrong with dh admitting he found the newborn stage hard, a lot of people do (me included).

However, it’s now another year down the line. Is it worth re-visiting the subject now your dc us older, and hopefully easier to cope with. Marybeth address what he didn’t like about the newborn stage, and plan measures to address this (if possible). The first baby can be a shock to the system for all.

The argument with foot-putting-down was last night.

I think refusing to go from one to two is far more unreasonable than from none to one or two to three. Because it’s about your child’s life experience and whether you wanted them to have siblings.

I had one based on the fact I wanted two overall because I didn’t want my child to be an only child. If there wasn’t going to be more than one, I wouldn’t have had any (no guarantees of course but you know what I mean). So I would be furious in your shoes.

My DH was the same after our first and it broke my heart and almost made me reconsider the marriage. We eventually got through it and after awhile, DH changed his mind and we now have a new baby, who he absolutely adores. He never did have a good reason for not wanting a second, I just think fatherhood shocked him, though he's always been a brilliant and hands on dad! He might change his mind when you're out of the baby stage a bit further

He isn't for you. Go back near your parents with your kid.

So, sod the existing child's right to have any sort of meaningful relationship with her father?

@CasaBonita
Plenty of people have a rose tinted, unrealistic view of what parenting will be like before they actually have children - hence lots of men declaring they 'want a whole football team' bollocks.

Perhaps occasionally in Hollywood romcoms. Never heard that in real life.

I've seen this happen to a number of women who are now raising only children when they definitely wanted 2+.
Some remain very bitter about it and ultimately can't get past it. It doesn't seem the passing years help especially when friends and family start having 2-3.

I really feel for you. Sadly, I think the one who doesn't want a child trumps. You have a couple of options, try and accept it, live in hope that as your tiny DD gets older he changes his mind or leave and hope to meet someone new and have more dcs.

To add, hes not the first parent who is so bowled over by how much they love their dc1 they genuinely can't imagine they will be able to love a dc2 or 3 anywhere as much, because its so much more intense love than they were expecting. However usually these people who are so full of love do find their emotions for later children are the same. The human capacity for love is vast.

There is no compromise. You already compromised from 4 to 2. I would be clear that if he had said before marriage it would be a maximum of 1 child, you wouldn't have married him. While those saying leave it another year are right, he might come round, if you are planning to leave him to have more dcs with someone else, how big a gap do you want? You need to decide if you will stay with one child with him and if the resentment will damage your relationship/mental health. Some counselling for you would be helpful.

I would also think carefully about wider choices you have made on the understanding of a larger family, would you live where you live if you didn't need to support his career so he could provide for a large family? Would you have made the career choices you have if you hadn't thought you'd be taking several mat leaves and possibly working less? If he has changed the family plans, you are completely entitled to question all other aspects and choices made that you did on the understanding you'd have more dcs.

This is a common theme... I've several friends who on wanting four having had two are saying no more to their husbands and one friend who wanted two saying no to two now and settled on one. I wanted two, DH would have had none but loved DD wanted two which sadly didn't happen. When you have a baby you realise it harder or less hard than you think. Sounds like your DH realises his limits. He Been honest. It's up to you if wanting two is a deal breaker to you. If you want two and DH doesn't and you don't love him or DD and DH as your little unit of three.

I'm not understanding why people are saying you should up and leave him because he's 'moved the goalposts' or offering him an ultimatum or you'll leave him. How manipulative. I sympathise with your husband - before my DD was born, I wanted 3 and when she came along I realised how hard being a parent is and I said I didn't want any more. He has effectively been naive but hasn't strung you along with the promises of more children. He was upfront and honest with you. How you decide to move on with your life is something noone here can tell you because its such a personal choice. If it were me, leaving the man you love and taking the father of your child away from her is a nuclear option and I couldn't understand why you would do that in this situation and so early on - it's like punishing your husband for having a change of heart and being honest. You need to give it some time and see how you feel and perhaps the solution for you will become clearer.

@Morechocmorechoc

This is an easy one for me. You massively compromised for him. He isn't for you. Go back near your parents with your kid. Give yourself a chance to find someone who wants what you want. Tell your dh this is a deal breaker for you, you have always been clear and given in enough for him. But you have to follow through. He may change his mind. He may not. I doubt you'll get past this so ni point staying. As pp said easier to leave when the kid is young.

I know someone who went through the same, she became so miserable and depressed he gave in. He is also now much happier as she is. Now the newborn phase is over! Making your wife miserable is worse than going through 2 tough years.

@Morechocmorechoc move away and take your child with you … what about the child - father relationship! The child is entitled to time with the father so how would moving away would work in a shared custody of 50/50?

@AlexaShutUp

I get that this is an incredibly tough situation for both of you, but I'm very surprised by the number of people saying that they'd leave to have more children with someone else. Personally, I wouldn't subject my child to the risks of a blended family for anything.

I understand what it's like to long for another child. We always wanted two but ended up with one due to secondary infertility. We have now come to terms with that, and actually, I wouldn't go back and change it now even if I could, but there was a time when my heart was breaking because of it.

If your urge to have a second child is so great that you feel you have no option but to break up your current family for it, then I wish you the very best and I hope it works out for you. Please don't do it just to give your child a sibling, though. She will be absolutely fine without one.

I agree with this

Your DH didn't deceive you. He felt differently after your child was born. And that's ok

No one should be forced to have a child. Imagine the uproar on here if a woman said her partner was pressuring her to have a child but she didn't want to

Bringing a person into the world is a huge decision, and it's not unusual for people to realise how huge a decision it is until the baby is born.

The first few months can obviously be very stressful, with more arguments than usual, a change of roles and tasks at home or seeing your partner in a new light. It is even conceivable that he's worried you aren't as good a couple as he thought, and that's why he doesn't want to bring another child into it.

You are relatively young, so you would not be risking too much to wait a while and see what happens before doing anything drastic. And it would be drastic if having moved from your dream of "family of 4+" to "family of 3" you then went on to "not a family", with mum and dad potentially living some way away from one another.

One little thing - he hates it when I bring up heavy topics in the evening - this is really not a good idea, and it will not further your cause if you keep it up.

This is a really sad thing to have happened to you.
However, separating will mean possibly not getting to spend 50 percent of the week with your current DD.
Is the desire for more children enough to override the sadness that will bring?

Making your wife miserable is worse than going through 2 tough years.

You have a point.

if you're willing to breakup your family and take away your child's intact, happy home for something that may never happen for you, that's only for you, that's your choice

Does OP sound happy to you? Or are you suggesting her happiness doesn’t count?
If sex were to stop and the man thought about leaving, would you say the same to him? Well the drive to have children is just as strong, maybe stronger, so why should OP ignore that? Her needs and desires matter too.

A side issue, I know, but never discuss difficult things in the evening. Get them in the open in the morning, when you both have more energy and the rest of the day to mull things over. Going to bed after a heavy conversation is good for no one.

I know that the usual MN line on these situations is that there can be no compromise, but it sounds like OP has already done a lot of compromising in this relationship. Where are his compromises?

@FlorenceWintle
I think refusing to go from one to two is far more unreasonable than from none to one or two to three. Because it’s about your child’s life experience and whether you wanted them to have siblings.

Respectfully, I think that’s total nonsense. There’s nothing “unreasonable” about an adult not wanting to have another child, doesn’t matter what number it is.