I can’t get past DH wanting no more children

[Notquiteoneanddone]

NC and being a bit vague just as someone I know is on here and I’ve discussed this with her, hope that’s okay. Not really an AIBU but please help me give my head a wobble, I’m feeling very fragile about this.

I always wanted 4 DC and before DH and I got married we discussed this plus other fairly heavy subjects (such as finances, disciplining children, religion etc) as we wanted to be on the same page. I remember saying if 4 was too much then I’d be happy as long as we had 2.

I agreed to move away from family to a new city 3 hours away from my home town to move in with him - I was happy to do this and don’t feel any resentment about this but I think in my head I romanticised the far distant future in our own house in a lovely neighbourhood with a couple of kids. We now are between 25-30 years old (sorry bit vague) and have DD 15months who is the light of our lives. He is the absolute best dad ever, he loves her so much and is great with her. When she was about 5-6m old he sat me down and told me he didn’t think he wanted another one, I was floored, really shocked and he said he didn’t know he’d feel like this but now she was here that’s how he felt. He didn’t want to go through the newborn first few weeks in a sleep deprived fog again, he didn’t think he’d love another baby as much as her. Honestly no concrete reason just he didn’t want to. At that time I told him I needed a straight answer he can’t just say I don’t know and leave me hoping. we agreed we would discuss it again in a year when she was sleeping better and we could think about it more. We’ve sold some of her baby things (bedside crib, lots of clothes, bouncer etc) but I can’t bare to get rid of the pushchair when we no longer need it or the cot as that will make it so final. I’ve bought it up again tonight - he hates it when I bring up heavy topics in the evening but we were looking at tiny photos of DD as a newborn and I feel heartbroken I won’t get that again. We’ve had an argument and he’s basically put his foot down and said he’s made his decision.

I feel so cheated because if he had said to me straight up when we first met that he only wanted one I honestly don’t think I would have married him - we were both honest about what we wanted in the future. I wanted a big family, instead I live in that lovely house but away from family and with just the 3 of us. I love DH and DD of course but it’s lonely and I feel so sad for my sweet girl who is so sociable and friendly with other babies that she won’t have anyone around her. I understand lots of siblings don’t get on (DH doesn’t get on with his at all and I was close to mine growing up but have distanced) but we don’t have other family around either - no grandparents close (and both sets adore her) and no cousins (I’m one of 4 so she will soon have lots of them), our house is so quiet and I grew up with lots of family and lots of things happening. I can’t let go of the sadness that I’ll only have one DC, AIBU to feel this way? How do I stop it hurting?

What makes it harder for me is that I had struggles BFing in the early days so wished the time to pass faster to when she got a bit bigger and it hurt less. We also begun a house renovation when she was approx 1 month old (bad timings thanks to Covid!) and a lot of that time was spent feeling stressed. I didn’t get the chance to appreciate it whilst it was here. I also had a early MC at 6 weeks the year before we had her, i would have been due in September and now I keep thinking about it. I know some people have no DC who really want them and I fully understand that and hope I don’t come across as ungrateful because my DD is my world. I just wish I knew how not to feel so upset about it and how I can accept her being an only child. I know I can’t force him and I don’t want to anyway as he will never have that same bond with another child but will I always quietly resent him for this decision? Has anyone else been in a similar position and knows what I can do to accept this? It makes my heart hurt

Sorry this post is all over the place and sorry for the humongous essay I’m just a snivelling mess currently and need AIBU to put me straight.

If you did decide to split up I can’t see a problem with you moving back to your family for support and childcare.

Wow that sounds so tough, to go from ideas about having a family of 6 to just accepting the 3 of you.

An only child can have a wonderful life. It probably doesn't help much to say that when you so wanted a bigger family, but it is true. It truly doesn't have to be that she doesn't have companions just because she doesn't have siblings.

Having said that though I wonder if you have thought about speaking to a counsellor about this. I think it might be better for you to try and work some of these feelings through with an impartial person in real life, who can just listen to you. This is some complicated stuff and you won't find the answer on a forum.

I would issue my own ultimatum about couples counselling. This isn’t a situation where you can leave it undiscussed and a decent therapist will be able to unpick all the background factors and help you understand each other.

If, after that, you cannot accept it then you will be better able to decide what to do.

Difficult situation. The fact that he isn't offering a clear reason beyond he "just doesn't want one" would really frustrate me. Yes the newborn days are exhausting but they're over quickly and if he really found it that terrible surely he could consider some kind of short-term solution (buying in support or something) before just jumping to the decision that you shouldn't have any more children.

If you were struggling financially or for space I'd find it easier to understand but you're not.

As others have said if he is putting his foot down over this then I'd expect him to compromise on something else (proximity to your family etc).

I know that traditionally people always used to have a 2 year age gap but most have my friends have a bigger gap than that - 3.5 years is quite common. Many of those couples weren't sure they'd have a second when the eldest was 15 months. Don't want to give you false hope but plenty of people do change their minds on this once they're out of those very tough early years.

The most unhappy, heartbroken people I have ever known were people who thought they were entitled to one or additional children and somehow didn’t get them. It made them nasty. Eventually they both got what they had wanted.

I don’t mean to sound awful but none of us are ‘entitled’ to have a child. Surely the best approach is that ideally every child is wanted by both parents in whatever the situation is at that time. AND that both parents are open to the fact that that might not happen.

Situations change all the time. People change all the time. Having a child is one of the most life changing things you can do. No matter what anyone said before that, isn’t it right to make a decision on a second child in light of the actual existence of a third?

Yes two DCs would be lovely, for you. But if you could dial down your ‘entitlement’ and think of it as a fresh decision that you and your DH have to make together right now, you might give yourself some relief, and feel that whatever the decision is, it is a better/clearer one for you.

Agree with others though that he may change his mind in another year

*first, not third!

I've sort of been where you are. Pre-marriage very specifically discussed those topics and agreed on two kids. After the first, husband told me he didn't want to go through it again. I told him I wasn't done.

We worked through exactly why he didn't want anymore (delivery was bad, sleep deprivation, worry he wouldn't love it as much as he now loves our first etc.) And then worked on wether we could address those problems. Most we could. Some required fairly extreme solutions (husband slept in other room for first 5 months while I solely dealt with baby at night) but we got to a point where he was willing to have a second and he is a happy father of two now.

I'm not saying that it can all be worked out, but your husband deserves to know how much of a deal breaker this is for you and together and/or with counselling you should see if you can work through this, regardless of the outcome.

He needs to understand that the choice here isn't [everything as it was before all lovely with 1 child or have 2 children and get twice the work and hard sleep] it's really [one mightily distressed wife who may or may not be able to swallow his u-turn and an only child whose life without siblings may or may not be great for her but will certainly be a constant reminder to her disappointed mum that she had the option of a sibling' stolen' by her dad, and everytime something happens which shines a light on that lack of sibling it will rub on his wife and could eat away at their marriage'
I think he is being naiive if he thinks this is simple.
He needs to realise he is trying to send your lives off down a different trajectory to the one you planned together and that doesn't come free of its own consequences.

** if you're willing to breakup your family and take away your child's intact, happy home for something that may never happen for you, that's only for you, that's your choice.

Your husband did not lie to you. He hasn't deceived you, and he isn't "moving goalposts." He has just changed his mind, which we are all entitled to do.**

^Completely agree.

It's completely dishonest - he reckons you're now stuck, and he can move those goalposts to where he always wanted them to be.

It's only dishonest if he knew he only wanted one. Sounds like what's actually happened is that the reality is very different to what he imagined and he's changed his mind. Which is perfectly reasonable.

OP you need to decide whether having another child is worth breaking up your relationship. If it is, you need to tell him - not to push him in to having a child he doesn't want but so you can both move on and you can meet someone else and have more children. You cannot make someone have children they don't want and I'd be extremely wary about an "accidental" pregnancy - resentment and relationship breakdown usually result.

@AlohaMolly Have you spoken to your DH about it in those terms? You are still young - you have 8-10 years of fertility.

Honestly if you cry every day you can't live like that for the rest of your life. If you leave you may or may not have more children, but you won't be living with someone you resent for making you miserable.

@douliket

I would tell him straight that you are not accepting his decision. Why do people seem to think that the one who doesn't want more kids here to have final say. I would be telling him that you both had discussed this life changing option prior to marriage and he does not get to dictate your life or the life of your dd by depriving her of siblings. I would straight up be honest with him and say that you are definitely planning on having more more children with or without him so he either mans up and sticks with you or if he is still refusing then it's his loss. I would proceed with that and call his bluff,if he doesn't agree then he is a selfish test thinking of nothing but himself

If my partner did this I'd pack their bags for them. Having children is something both parents should want, not be dictated to because of something you said before you knew the realities.

@Notquiteoneanddone I’m sorry you’re going through something like this. I’ve had similar (although husband went from I want kids, to I don’t want kids as soon as we were married 🙄

For us the conversation went on for several years, it went from us looking at divorce to not having children back and forth for the longest time. Then for a year he told me he would have one. It took me that long to be comfortable with the decision as I knew deep down he didn’t want them. He is the best dad I could have hoped for and I promised I wouldn’t ask for another… roll on several years to my “cut off” point for a second. I was miserable but wouldn’t talk to him. He finally got it out of me and after a few deep talks we decided to try for number two. I’m beyond grateful to have my family (which should be complete soon) and I would actually love another 🤣🤣 He’s having a vasectomy after this which will finalise things for both of us and take another off the table

For me personally if we didn’t have the second I would have stayed but it would have been hard. You have to do what’s right for you though, if this is a hard line you need to tell him sooner rather than later.

Absolutely agree with @TopCatsTopHat - he is of course entitled to change his mind but he's changed the tenor and trajectory of the relationship too. Couples therapy might help actually

The trouble with this situation is that there is no compromise.
If he doesn’t change his mind you might live a resentful life, or you go off and have a baby somewhere else but then you’re moving into step parent and shared parenting territory.

I get that this is an incredibly tough situation for both of you, but I'm very surprised by the number of people saying that they'd leave to have more children with someone else. Personally, I wouldn't subject my child to the risks of a blended family for anything.

I understand what it's like to long for another child. We always wanted two but ended up with one due to secondary infertility. We have now come to terms with that, and actually, I wouldn't go back and change it now even if I could, but there was a time when my heart was breaking because of it.

If your urge to have a second child is so great that you feel you have no option but to break up your current family for it, then I wish you the very best and I hope it works out for you. Please don't do it just to give your child a sibling, though. She will be absolutely fine without one.

He didn’t want to go through the newborn first few weeks in a sleep deprived fog again, he didn’t think he’d love another baby as much as her

Sounds like pretty good reasons to me. Nobody should have a child they don't want to please someone else.

I'm a woman and i changed my mind about the number of children i wanted after the first. Dh got over it.

It's not fair on your child to break up her family for the idea of a second child. She will have to negotiate having two homes, stepparents and step/half siblings for the rest of her life - just because she's not enough for you. How do you fancy the idea of her dad having 50% contact?

@MiddleParking

I wouldn’t be doing any I-understand-your-perspective you’re-allowed-to-change-your-mind shit. I would absolutely feel that he had tricked me (even if he genuinely has ‘changed his mind’ - sorry, but I’d think ‘you can fucking well change it back then’. Marriage involves some decisions you don’t get to change your mind about.). I sincerely doubt he bore the main brunt of the newborn stage etc or that he would in future, that wouldn’t wash with me. And I wouldn’t be getting involved in any contraception provision or discussion - obviously unless I had my own personal reasons for taking it unrelated to our sex life. I might give him a time limit - say if he hadn’t changed his mind in a year, I’d be gone. It’s not just the actual issue of a second child, it’s the deceit, as I would see it.

Absolutely deranged answer????

CHANGING YOUR MIND WITH NEW INFORMATION IS NOT DECEIT IT IS A NORMAL AND SENSIBLE RESPONSE TO NEW DATA.

And forcing someone to have a child because you aren't apparently allowed to change your mind in marriage is abusive nonsense.

This is the second thread in as many days about this topic where some of the replies are absolutely disgusting.

How about a compromise? You agree to just one child but he agrees to move back to near your family. So you still get the big local family (grandparents and cousins) and he gets to only have one child.

Any chance that could work? At the moment it feels like you're the one doing all the sacrificing so this could balance things up a bit. I know it wasn't the long term plan, but it might make you happier in the long run?

so he either mans up and sticks with you or if he is still refusing then it's his loss

I'm glad my dh didn't tell me to woman up when i decided i didn't want any more children and he did. Id leave him if he said that to me.

I think there are two problems. It sounds like what you wanted out of life was a large, close family. Living in or near your hometown with several children and your extended family around. Even moving away was a big compromise for you.

Obviously any number of things can go wrong - infertility, miscarriage, disabilities that mean you have fewer so you can focus on a child's needs, divorce, etc.

So your dream of your first marriage creating that big family is over. And that is a huge blow. Heartbreaking.

I think, in your position, I would leave dh. Move home, work out a co-parenting plan, and pursue my dream in the place I had intended to live it.

If he was willing, I might try a few months of joint marriage counselling. But I would not wait long. He has been clear, and I would respect that he knows his own mind.

He's not necessarily done anything wrong by changing his mind. But he has broken with the foundation of your marriage, which was creating a big family.

I think secondary infertility is very different though - neither of you chose that it’s what life threw at you you can deal with it together. This is so relationship damaging because he’s choosing it.

He is worried that he will not love another child as much as this one. I would delve deeper into this part and find out if something somewhere has made him access this in this way. Did he have parents that favoured one child over another, or cousins that this happened to ?

@Alwayswantedasmegf

To go from the idea of having 4 kids to wanting to stop at 1 is really disappointing for OP.

Posters stating her DH is entitled to change his mind like its a cup of tea.

I mean your DH cannot have it ALL his own way. I would give it 6 months and wait for his answer to make sure he just wants one. BUT there's no way if your considering leaving that I would wait for him to "let you know" about the possibility of baby no2.... years down thenline and them him give you false hope. It's cruel.

But he is entitled to change his mind like it's a cup of tea? It doesn't negate how hard and devastating that may be for OP, but he is absolutely entitled to decide whether or not he wants more children, regardless of how lightly or otherwise he makes that decision. Nobody would say OP should be forced to have another child against her wishes because DH wanted her to, would they?

We change our opinions with new data all the time. DH changed his after actually experiencing parenting. OP now has new data about her husband's desire for children. She can change her own opinion about the marriage accordingly. It is (fundamentally, not emotionally) that simple.

These threads always wind me up something wicked, I'm so fascinated by the volume of posters who clearly view their husbands as sperm providers and not living people with their own wants and interests.