I can’t get past DH wanting no more children

[Notquiteoneanddone]

NC and being a bit vague just as someone I know is on here and I’ve discussed this with her, hope that’s okay. Not really an AIBU but please help me give my head a wobble, I’m feeling very fragile about this.

I always wanted 4 DC and before DH and I got married we discussed this plus other fairly heavy subjects (such as finances, disciplining children, religion etc) as we wanted to be on the same page. I remember saying if 4 was too much then I’d be happy as long as we had 2.

I agreed to move away from family to a new city 3 hours away from my home town to move in with him - I was happy to do this and don’t feel any resentment about this but I think in my head I romanticised the far distant future in our own house in a lovely neighbourhood with a couple of kids. We now are between 25-30 years old (sorry bit vague) and have DD 15months who is the light of our lives. He is the absolute best dad ever, he loves her so much and is great with her. When she was about 5-6m old he sat me down and told me he didn’t think he wanted another one, I was floored, really shocked and he said he didn’t know he’d feel like this but now she was here that’s how he felt. He didn’t want to go through the newborn first few weeks in a sleep deprived fog again, he didn’t think he’d love another baby as much as her. Honestly no concrete reason just he didn’t want to. At that time I told him I needed a straight answer he can’t just say I don’t know and leave me hoping. we agreed we would discuss it again in a year when she was sleeping better and we could think about it more. We’ve sold some of her baby things (bedside crib, lots of clothes, bouncer etc) but I can’t bare to get rid of the pushchair when we no longer need it or the cot as that will make it so final. I’ve bought it up again tonight - he hates it when I bring up heavy topics in the evening but we were looking at tiny photos of DD as a newborn and I feel heartbroken I won’t get that again. We’ve had an argument and he’s basically put his foot down and said he’s made his decision.

I feel so cheated because if he had said to me straight up when we first met that he only wanted one I honestly don’t think I would have married him - we were both honest about what we wanted in the future. I wanted a big family, instead I live in that lovely house but away from family and with just the 3 of us. I love DH and DD of course but it’s lonely and I feel so sad for my sweet girl who is so sociable and friendly with other babies that she won’t have anyone around her. I understand lots of siblings don’t get on (DH doesn’t get on with his at all and I was close to mine growing up but have distanced) but we don’t have other family around either - no grandparents close (and both sets adore her) and no cousins (I’m one of 4 so she will soon have lots of them), our house is so quiet and I grew up with lots of family and lots of things happening. I can’t let go of the sadness that I’ll only have one DC, AIBU to feel this way? How do I stop it hurting?

What makes it harder for me is that I had struggles BFing in the early days so wished the time to pass faster to when she got a bit bigger and it hurt less. We also begun a house renovation when she was approx 1 month old (bad timings thanks to Covid!) and a lot of that time was spent feeling stressed. I didn’t get the chance to appreciate it whilst it was here. I also had a early MC at 6 weeks the year before we had her, i would have been due in September and now I keep thinking about it. I know some people have no DC who really want them and I fully understand that and hope I don’t come across as ungrateful because my DD is my world. I just wish I knew how not to feel so upset about it and how I can accept her being an only child. I know I can’t force him and I don’t want to anyway as he will never have that same bond with another child but will I always quietly resent him for this decision? Has anyone else been in a similar position and knows what I can do to accept this? It makes my heart hurt

Sorry this post is all over the place and sorry for the humongous essay I’m just a snivelling mess currently and need AIBU to put me straight.

I don’t think I could get past it. We always talked about moving overseas and children, we were 20 when I said that both were a must do and not wanting them would be a dealbreaker. If he’d changed his mind after one dc and said that’s enough I personally couldn’t have stayed. If he’d changed his mind after 2 and said that’s enough then I think I would have stayed, much as they argue it’s a delight watching our 2 dc together and I could live with 2. Dc3 is on the way so all going well next year there will be 3 and that might be enough for us. Take your time, don’t apologise, you are still pretty young which is great.

I think it’s ok for it to be a dealbreaker. You need to have a serious and honest conversation and explain how you feel. If he feels so strongly to sticking to one child that he agrees to give up on the marriage, and on living with his child, that’s his decision.

One person doesn’t get to dictate how the other persons life will be. If you want another child, and he doesn’t, you will need to leave and find a new relationship where you both want the same thing.

Agree with PPs though - 15 months is an unappealing age to be thinking about another, for a lot of people

I think you would benefit from your own personal counselling before you make any major decisions. It may be painful, it may be relieving but at least you will have someone to listen whilst you process your next steps. Not least for your early mc.

I am sorry you are going through this

Really think you need to put your needs first now.

You deserve to be heard by someone who will actively listen to you before you put your cards on the table to dh.

We were similar. We talked about having 4 but after having our second DH said he had second thoughts and didn't want any more. We talked about it endlessly and he had 1001 good reasons for wanting to stop at 2 and I had no good reason for wanting more. All I could come up with was that was what I had expected and my body craved them.

In the end he had his way. Even though I'm reasonably sure he would have loved another child/children if we had had them I wasn't going to have a child that wasn't wanted by both parents. My mum had always been very clear that I was unwanted and I wasn't going to burden any child of mine with that. So he had a vasectomy.

All this was 25 years ago. We are still together but it destroyed our sex life. Whenever we had sex after he had the snip it would end with me in tears. The thought that there was no possible way this loving act could lead to a child broke me. As you can imagine, me silently sobbing during the deed was a passion killer and eventually our sex life died out completely.

I still love him and on the whole we have a very happy life together but I will always mourn the children I thought I'd have and the sex life we lost.

Be firm and tell him that this is a compromise too far! And that of course he would love another child just as much, because love stretches around all of your children! You have made compromises for him. The baby stage doesn't last long, and you are both young enough to be able to cope with it (I had my 3rd baby aged 40 and wouldn't change a thing!) If you wanted 4, from his point of view to compromise at 2, sounds entirely reasonable to me!!

I would tell him straight that you are not accepting his decision. Why do people seem to think that the one who doesn't want more kids here to have final say. I would be telling him that you both had discussed this life changing option prior to marriage and he does not get to dictate your life or the life of your dd by depriving her of siblings.
I would straight up be honest with him and say that you are definitely planning on having more more children with or without him so he either mans up and sticks with you or if he is still refusing then it's his loss.
I would proceed with that and call his bluff,if he doesn't agree then he is a selfish test thinking of nothing but himself

I don’t like the way he has just put his foot down, end of discussion. That’s not ok. What you want and how you feel is equally important.

You are both very young to be talking in certainties. I know a few people who had one child young and then couldn’t face the unforeseen implications of the reality of another one, financial, career, social but then had another after a gap (in one case of over a decade).

Most of my peers did not even start to think about children at all before they were thirty (though of course then the reality is even more of a shock to lifestyle).

Even at 35 after a baby that didn’t sleep I could not face the prospect of a sibling for four years. It has all worked out fine.

Relax, enjoy your child, live life and you have plenty of time for you to decide whether you both want another one, or indeed whether there is no future in your relationship.

There is no need to rush either decision.

I wouldn’t be happy, if he had said enough after two ok, but after one when 4 had been discussed.
Two isn’t any harder than one, you got all the kit you know what to do. If you have another in the next year or so they’ll be close with in age.
We always said 2, after the second I was very broody for a third. Dh would rather not but would if I wanted one. I’m on moving towards not a third, my second is 14 months and I love that age but I can see the next stage of life ahead maybe that’s what your dh sees. It is wonderful seeing my two play together. Stopping at one would be a dealbreaker for me.

I would add that in my peer group it was incredibly rare for anyone to have 2 under 2, regarded as unnecessarily hard. A gap of 3 to 4 years is much more usual, getting the first out of nappies and at nursery before the next comes along. And a 3 year old is an entirely different sort of ad for another one! Talking, past the tantrums, really becoming a little person…..

I totally support Douliket’s comment. I would not be able to accept this. I think your husband is being very cruel to both you and your daughter. Rightly or wrongly, I would never be able to forgive him and my resentment of him over time would erode our relationship. It would be the end for me I’m afraid. I feel very sorry for you OP being in this position but would urge you not to acquiesce on this one; you wil regret it.

OP, i don't know if it helps but I'm an only child and couldn't imagine my life being any diferent. A home full of people seems terribly sufocating to me and even though i am sociable i really like having tons of alone time and doing my own thing. Is it possible that you are clinging to a certain way of life you're used to think of as being The "good life" and maybe not being open to a diferent configuration? Is it possible you are concluding that your child will feel the same way you do about all those things?

I guess if I were to get preagnant of triplets and find myself with a full home with both sets of grandparents living near me and wanting to come see the children often I'd feel like this wasn't the life i pictured myself having. But... sometimes life turns out to be full of surprises and in certain situations we can either let go of what we have (so you could get a divorce, meet someone new and have more kids) or open ourselves to a whole new set of possibilities and try to embrace what we do have (so you could decide that even though you wanted something diferent a life with an only child might be lovely in ways you didn't imagine).

Your DP probably went along wirh your desire to have 4 kids (or at least 2) when he had no idea what having one kid felt like. He is clearly saying that he would find having more than one overwhelming. It sucks but he changed his mind and he is entitled to do this.

After DD1 DH husband said he didn’t want anymore. I told him I would leave if we didn’t have a second. I was late30s so the chances of having another one with someone else were slim, but I knew I’d resent him forever if I stayed. We had a second. I’d have loved a 3rd or 4th, but not enough to issue an ultimatum.

I wouldn’t be doing any I-understand-your-perspective you’re-allowed-to-change-your-mind shit. I would absolutely feel that he had tricked me (even if he genuinely has ‘changed his mind’ - sorry, but I’d think ‘you can fucking well change it back then’. Marriage involves some decisions you don’t get to change your mind about.). I sincerely doubt he bore the main brunt of the newborn stage etc or that he would in future, that wouldn’t wash with me. And I wouldn’t be getting involved in any contraception provision or discussion - obviously unless I had my own personal reasons for taking it unrelated to our sex life. I might give him a time limit - say if he hadn’t changed his mind in a year, I’d be gone. It’s not just the actual issue of a second child, it’s the deceit, as I would see it.

I don't usually agree with the whole "shall I leave my partner because he doesn't want more children" threads but I do actually really sympathise with you here OP. Probably because most of those other threads was about having a 3rd or 4th child. I would feel incredibly deceived that he's gone from agreeing to a "large" family to being one and done. And yes actually in this circumstance I'd clearly say to him that you feel shafted and you may never get over the resentment oh and "please explain how it is you found the newborn stage hard" since I highly doubt he found it harder than you?

(I do think however subconsciously think this is why I've always done 99.9% of newborn baby care and finances (Although I'm the main earner so can) so that DH is never able to pull that shit argument with me)

I'd say you'll give him a year but after that you'll be leaving if his position is unchanged.

I don't ordinarily condone a grass is greener mentality but I think if he can say he's definitely done and expect that to be that, you can say you're definitely not. Then it's just a matter of priorities.

Also, I'd be refusing to take any responsibility for the contraception at this point. If he's the one who wants no more, he should be the one to ensure it.

Is it more important for you to have two children or have the otherwise happy relationship you have- assuming it is otherwise happy? I don’t think you should make any immediate decisions, see how you feel in a year or so.

It might be helpful to have some individual and couples counseling, to work out whether or not this is a deal-breaker for you or if there is a way forward.

Your DH has the right to change his mind or to have doubts, but you have the right to not let someone else's choice dictate something about your life that you would find unbearable. The firmness with which he's saying "I've made my decision" is quite harsh and rejecting of your position - I think quite a few people would want to wait a bit longer than 15 months, but there is a difference between "can we discuss it in 6-12 months?" and "absolutely not".

@Shoxfordian

Is it more important for you to have two children or have the otherwise happy relationship you have- assuming it is otherwise happy? I don’t think you should make any immediate decisions, see how you feel in a year or so.

You could, of course, flip this- is it more important to her DH to have only one child or an otherwise happy relationship?

My parents did this- DM wanted lots, DH wanted one, they compromised with two. I'm very glad they did! I wouldn't want to be without my sibling for all the tea in China. My friends who are only children also say, even now as adults, that they wish they'd have had a sibling. I know it's not true for everyone, but I think I'd have had a sadder childhood as an only child. Having more than just me is the best thing my parents ever did for me.

To go from the idea of having 4 kids to wanting to stop at 1 is really disappointing for OP.

Posters stating her DH is entitled to change his mind like its a cup of tea.

I mean your DH cannot have it ALL his own way. I would give it 6 months and wait for his answer to make sure he just wants one. BUT there's no way if your considering leaving that I would wait for him to "let you know" about the possibility of baby no2.... years down thenline and them him give you false hope. It's cruel.

@MiddleParking

I wouldn’t be doing any I-understand-your-perspective you’re-allowed-to-change-your-mind shit. I would absolutely feel that he had tricked me (even if he genuinely has ‘changed his mind’ - sorry, but I’d think ‘you can fucking well change it back then’. Marriage involves some decisions you don’t get to change your mind about.). I sincerely doubt he bore the main brunt of the newborn stage etc or that he would in future, that wouldn’t wash with me. And I wouldn’t be getting involved in any contraception provision or discussion - obviously unless I had my own personal reasons for taking it unrelated to our sex life. I might give him a time limit - say if he hadn’t changed his mind in a year, I’d be gone. It’s not just the actual issue of a second child, it’s the deceit, as I would see it.

Love your post. You hit the nail on the head with the marriage line too.

@Skeumorph

Yep, I wouldn't be able to get through this one.

It's completely dishonest - he reckons you're now stuck, and he can move those goalposts to where he always wanted them to be.

I would tell him it's a dealbreaker - and mean it.

The stupid thing is, it's easier - much easier - with more than one. Once you're out of the baby stage they then have companions.

I think you would end up resenting him to the extent that it would corrode things, and you're really young - no, this won't work.

So if you'd decided after having one baby that you couldn't cope with having another, you'd expect your husband to divorce you? Wow

You are completely stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’m so sorry. I think at the very least you need to tell your husband you are thinking about leaving. To really underline the seriousness of the situation. If he doesn’t like to talk about difficult things, tough luck. He has to feel the consequences of his decision.

Those saying he’s deceived you are a little OTT. He’s just being honest?

I wanted three children, I had my first and decided I didn’t want any more. My husband was heart broken and wanted more.
We talked honestly and time passed and now we have two.
You need another brutally honest sit down with him and decide if it really is final, go from there.

I 100% agree that if your DH is the one who doesn't want any more, then he's the one who needs to sort out his contraception.

Also, I agree that the discussions you both had about the 'serious' topics is 100% relevent here ! He doesn't get to do a 180 and totally change his mind and expect you to go along with it ffs !

I'd never be able to align myself with never having another baby, and I would never be able to just 'go along with it' to keep him happy either.

I'd have to give him a shortish time to 'reflect' upon 'why' he's made this 'decision' and then have a very long talk with him about my decision i.e If he can't/won't change his mind about having another baby, then it would 100% be a deal breaker for me. I'd be telling him that I would never be able to 'reconcile' myself with never having another baby, so if he felt that he still only wanted 1, then it would be best if we got a divorce.

There's not much is certain in this world, but the regret you'd feel at never having another baby would be 'lifelong'. It would 'sour' your marriage for sure, in time. (And then, if he went on to have an 'affair', because your marriage had 'soured', how would you feel if he left you for AW and then had more kids with her ?)

I wish you the very best