I can’t get past DH wanting no more children

[Notquiteoneanddone]

NC and being a bit vague just as someone I know is on here and I’ve discussed this with her, hope that’s okay. Not really an AIBU but please help me give my head a wobble, I’m feeling very fragile about this.

I always wanted 4 DC and before DH and I got married we discussed this plus other fairly heavy subjects (such as finances, disciplining children, religion etc) as we wanted to be on the same page. I remember saying if 4 was too much then I’d be happy as long as we had 2.

I agreed to move away from family to a new city 3 hours away from my home town to move in with him - I was happy to do this and don’t feel any resentment about this but I think in my head I romanticised the far distant future in our own house in a lovely neighbourhood with a couple of kids. We now are between 25-30 years old (sorry bit vague) and have DD 15months who is the light of our lives. He is the absolute best dad ever, he loves her so much and is great with her. When she was about 5-6m old he sat me down and told me he didn’t think he wanted another one, I was floored, really shocked and he said he didn’t know he’d feel like this but now she was here that’s how he felt. He didn’t want to go through the newborn first few weeks in a sleep deprived fog again, he didn’t think he’d love another baby as much as her. Honestly no concrete reason just he didn’t want to. At that time I told him I needed a straight answer he can’t just say I don’t know and leave me hoping. we agreed we would discuss it again in a year when she was sleeping better and we could think about it more. We’ve sold some of her baby things (bedside crib, lots of clothes, bouncer etc) but I can’t bare to get rid of the pushchair when we no longer need it or the cot as that will make it so final. I’ve bought it up again tonight - he hates it when I bring up heavy topics in the evening but we were looking at tiny photos of DD as a newborn and I feel heartbroken I won’t get that again. We’ve had an argument and he’s basically put his foot down and said he’s made his decision.

I feel so cheated because if he had said to me straight up when we first met that he only wanted one I honestly don’t think I would have married him - we were both honest about what we wanted in the future. I wanted a big family, instead I live in that lovely house but away from family and with just the 3 of us. I love DH and DD of course but it’s lonely and I feel so sad for my sweet girl who is so sociable and friendly with other babies that she won’t have anyone around her. I understand lots of siblings don’t get on (DH doesn’t get on with his at all and I was close to mine growing up but have distanced) but we don’t have other family around either - no grandparents close (and both sets adore her) and no cousins (I’m one of 4 so she will soon have lots of them), our house is so quiet and I grew up with lots of family and lots of things happening. I can’t let go of the sadness that I’ll only have one DC, AIBU to feel this way? How do I stop it hurting?

What makes it harder for me is that I had struggles BFing in the early days so wished the time to pass faster to when she got a bit bigger and it hurt less. We also begun a house renovation when she was approx 1 month old (bad timings thanks to Covid!) and a lot of that time was spent feeling stressed. I didn’t get the chance to appreciate it whilst it was here. I also had a early MC at 6 weeks the year before we had her, i would have been due in September and now I keep thinking about it. I know some people have no DC who really want them and I fully understand that and hope I don’t come across as ungrateful because my DD is my world. I just wish I knew how not to feel so upset about it and how I can accept her being an only child. I know I can’t force him and I don’t want to anyway as he will never have that same bond with another child but will I always quietly resent him for this decision? Has anyone else been in a similar position and knows what I can do to accept this? It makes my heart hurt

Sorry this post is all over the place and sorry for the humongous essay I’m just a snivelling mess currently and need AIBU to put me straight.

I always wanted 2 kids until I had one. No amount of research, advice and anecdotal evidence prepared me for how fucking tired I am and how different life is now.

We also get minimal family support due to a number of factors so there's minimal respite unless you pay for it.

Throw in a house renovation and a pandemic... The guy is entitled to change his mind. At least he has been honest early doors.

I wanted 6 children begore I had them! In reality I have 2, but had you asked me when DC1 was 6 weeks or 15months the answer would have been no - too early. Pregnancy, birth and sleep deprivation was too raw still to contemplate another.

Have you had a recent conversation about this as he may have changed his mind?

Also, are you happy with where you live? 3hours from family and help? Is there possibility to move back, therefore allowing help from grandparents and being part of a bigger family./ future cousins. Your child was born during a pandemic where it's unlikely you have had family help. If you had no2 near to family it could be very different. It makes a huge difference having someone else to share the load.

Have you and DH had time together without your DD? Like someone babysitting so you get the evening out together? This is important and hard to do with a toddler! It's easy for it to be all encompassing as new parents.

I'd consider these thing's if you haven't already before thinking of ending the relationship.

I felt like this after my first DD even though my DH and I had always talked about 2. I didn’t put my foot down as such but I was reluctant. I especially felt I wouldn’t be able to love another child in the same way but as she got older I saw how she was with other children and felt she would like a sibling. When I got pregnant again I was happy but still had reservations all the way through. Now DS is here all that fear has gone. Your husband may change his mind, being a parent is overwhelming at times. Does he understand that this may be a dealbreaker for you?

I think, you need to tell him you can understand a change of heart. But also that the decision needs to be arrived at together afresh, like it was the first time because otherwise accepting it would likely fail if it just amounts to a door being shut in your face.
So not an argument, a planned discussion. Then all the factors need to be weighed up. Your ability to acquit the decision. Whether his feelings are based on anything solid or just possibly unfounded fears (I had a terrible relationship with my sibling so expected it to be awful, instead put a lot of energy into giving my kids the emotional tools they need to get along, and they are now best buddies much to my pleasure and against expectations). He also needs to realise that changing his mind has other implications, has he considered those.
OK, so his feelings changed, but that should be the start of the conversation not the end. If you can't both get to the same point where 1 child is the accepted plan it is going to really make things hard work. He needs to recognise that and keep the dialogue open.

@EasterIssland
If the OP is as unhappy as she sounds this will not be a happy home. So she will need support. H shoukd have thought about it before backtracking and making OP miserable. Many parents live in different places. Alternatively he will need to move. It's life. It happens. He made his bed why should OP suffer for it and be lonely.

@Alwayswantedasmegf
Making your wife miserable is worse than going through 2 tough years.
You have a point.

We’re talking about a human life, not a new car or expensive holiday.

@scarpa have you read my posts? Absolutely HE is allowed to change his mind so why are posters upset about ANY SUGGESTION of OP leaving? It's easy for you to say as your not coping with the disappointment.

Having one child is cheaper but it's not easier in many ways. I say that as one of 4 siblings myself and I now have have one DC. Believe me.

Also I agree with a lot pp have said, however I remember reading posts on here where women have been stringed a long for so long they were then stuck. So watch out for that one!

I didn’t feel ready to be pregnant again until DD1 was 3 years old.

Give him another year or two to change his mind.

When your DD is more independent then a second feels more manageable.

I think it's not just about not having another baby as such, it's not having the life you always dreamed of. I can relate to this as I always wanted four, and haven't had one yet. I'm not going to get to live that life that I wanted.

I wouldn't rush to leave him as you still have some time. Would he compromise and have one more - that way at least your daughter grows up with a sibling? Or if you said to him that's fine but I want one so I'm not going to take a contraceptive, it's up to you to prevent pregnancy if you don't want one?

I was in a similar situation and ended it because we just wanted two completely different lives. I wasn't happy with what he wanted, and he wasn't happy with what I wanted.

When DC1 was one and a half I ended it and now have two beautiful DC's.

I just wouldn't have been able to compromise on that...it wasn't an option. I think either find out who's more flexible, or end it and find your happiness.

@HermioneAndRoger

I know that the usual MN line on these situations is that there can be no compromise, but it sounds like OP has already done a lot of compromising in this relationship. Where are his compromises?

Resentfully bringing another child into the world is not a reasonable compromise for him to make. The consequences would potentially be massive for the entire family unit. Her compromises such as moving away cannot be compared.

*and initially he had always talked about wanting 3. But the reality for him was different.

Op can't just switch off her feelings. If she is going to reconcile herself to this she needs to be heard and to feel that he has fully taken that into account before he denied her and his daughter this extra family member. If he is only considering his own feelings here I struggle to see how op will be able to reconcile herself happily. That might not mean she leaves but it would take super human effort for it not to become a wedge between them. He needs to work with her on this.

[quote supermoonrising]@FlorenceWintle
I think refusing to go from one to two is far more unreasonable than from none to one or two to three. Because it’s about your child’s life experience and whether you wanted them to have siblings.

Respectfully, I think that’s total nonsense. There’s nothing “unreasonable” about an adult not wanting to have another child, doesn’t matter what number it is.[/quote]
You are right, of course. I guess what I mean is unreasonable in my eyes and therefore, crucially, a lot harder to swallow.

Or if you said to him that's fine but I want one so I'm not going to take a contraceptive, it's up to you to prevent pregnancy if you don't want one?

This would be a terrible idea.

@CasaBonita

He is perfectly entitled to change his mind. Plenty of people have a rose tinted, unrealistic view of what parenting will be like before they actually have children - hence lots of men declaring they 'want a whole football team' bollocks.

I understand you're disappointed but your child is still very young, 15 months is a tough age. He may well change his mind in a few years but I think you need to come to terms with the fact that he may not.

This.

@douliket

I would tell him straight that you are not accepting his decision. Why do people seem to think that the one who doesn't want more kids here to have final say. I would be telling him that you both had discussed this life changing option prior to marriage and he does not get to dictate your life or the life of your dd by depriving her of siblings. I would straight up be honest with him and say that you are definitely planning on having more more children with or without him so he either mans up and sticks with you or if he is still refusing then it's his loss. I would proceed with that and call his bluff,if he doesn't agree then he is a selfish test thinking of nothing but himself

But the OP is thinking of only herself? Why has she anymore right to 'dictate the life of the daughter'? She could be pushing her into a life of 50/50, and what then, what about the quiet house when the daughter is with the father? Why does everyone assume she should retain majority custody anyway? She would be the one who broke up the family for a possible fairy-tale, but yes lets make the man the bad guy ...

If you are unhappy in your marriage then of course you are entitled to leave. However leaving a happy marriage and breaking up
Your child’s family for the sole purpose of you having more children is incredibly selfish and could lead to your child resenting you in the future.

[quote Alwayswantedasmegf]@scarpa have you read my posts? Absolutely HE is allowed to change his mind so why are posters upset about ANY SUGGESTION of OP leaving? It's easy for you to say as your not coping with the disappointment.

Having one child is cheaper but it's not easier in many ways. I say that as one of 4 siblings myself and I now have have one DC. Believe me.[/quote]
OP is perfectly entitled to leave if that's what she wants, posters who think that's absurd are missing the point.

But suggesting him changing his mind is 'like changing it about a cup of tea' completely trivialises his agency and his right to decide.

Disappointment or not for OP, he is still allowed to make that decision as easily as he wishes, regardless of whether it's cheaper or easier or harder - your comment suggests that it was him making a flippant, easy decision that once again, like these threads always do, seem to position as absolutely required to do whatever their wives want when it comes to children.

@Morechocmorechoc
He isn't for you. Go back near your parents with your kid. Give yourself a chance to find someone who wants what you want.

So much for the importance of fathers.

I don’t suggest that he should, @GoodGrief100. We’ve only got OP’s side of the story but she makes it sound like in their relationship to date she is the one who has had to be flexible on the big, life-changing things. A man who has never had to compromise on anything bigger than the colour of the sofa in his relationship to date might not be used to the adult process of thinking through the consequences of his decrees.

@scarpa ahhh I didn't suggest it was easy for OPS dh.... however do I think it's easier yes of course. There is a difference because OP is affected with the long term after math.... UNLIKE ops DH.

I think you have bypassed this part and misunderstood what I am saying.

It's a really hard one and only you can decide if you feel you could try to get over this and concentrate on your family.

I would say that it definitely should be a joint decision and you wouldn't want to "convince" DH is anyway. If you had a second baby, you really wouldn't want him to resent you when you have the really tough moments. You need to be a team to survive them moment

You also don't want to resent him in the future for changing his mind and making this decision for the both of you. So you would have to accept his wishes for now and focus on your life and DD.

He may change his mind in the future when DD is older and more independent.

@TopCatsTopHat
into account before he denied her and his daughter this extra family member. If he is only considering his own feelings here I struggle to see how op will be able to reconcile herself happily. That might not mean she leaves but it would take super human effort for it not to become a wedge between them. He needs to work with her on this.

Deciding not to have another kid isn’t denying the kid another family member. You could equally say having another child is depriving* your existing child of your full love/attention/resources. Equally Ridiculous, right? Family size is decided by the adults. If both want a child, then they can try for that. If one doesn’t, then that is generally that.

I wouldn’t encourage a man to break up with his female partner with whom he has a child because she does not want another child. I wouldn’t encourage OP to do so either. “Entitled to” and “morally right/responsible to” are not always the same thing.