Being gay and "Straight Passing"

Flapjak · 24/10/2021 16:22

So he would be fine if they assumed he was gay? How would he like to inform people he is gay or straight which really shouldnt matter anyway unless it is in respect of a potential sexual / romantic relationship.

OuchWhatWasThat · 24/10/2021 16:23

YANBU.

I’m asexual and don’t understand peoples obsession about relationship/sex.
Growing up it was always assumed that I was straight, asking about boyfriends, how I must have one etc.
Never had one.
After years and years of being single, they started to assume I’m a lesbian.

People are weird.
And they have incredible small and rigid worldviews.

Waahingwashingwashing · 24/10/2021 16:25

Why do people care?

PinkiOcelot · 24/10/2021 16:28

In this day and age (or any day and she really) does anyone actually care?

Cheesepuff1 · 24/10/2021 16:28

Well.. religion and people being stupid is the main answer to why.

There's millions and millions of none heterosexual people walking around "undetected" that's why many people think it's such a minority when realistically it's not very small at all.. most just aren't all stereotypically visible.

name532 · 24/10/2021 16:30

Whilst I think it's really important to not vocalise assumptions and think about how we speak to people we don't know eg "are you married" rather than "do you have a wife" but I do think it's quite natural to assume someone is heterosexual, statistically most people are, so depending on the context I wouldn't chastise people too much.

Original poster

doublecleansing · 24/10/2021 16:30

My friend doesn't want to be assumed gay but at the same time doesn't want to be assumed straight. When his nan passed away (this was before he had told people he was gay), his Uncle gave him his nan's engagement ring as a gift to give to his future wife when he gets married which according to my friend made him think people were assuming he is straight.

OP posts:

Flapjak · 24/10/2021 16:31

Ouch

Most people are gay/straght. You woulnt exist unless a male and female had sex, so yes fine you are asexual but thaf doesnt mean everyone else is narrowminded and rigid because they dont confirm to your world view iof what people are allowed to think

donquixotedelamancha · 24/10/2021 16:31

AIBU to think that it is pretty crap of society in assuming people's sexuality if they don't fit a stereotype.

YANBU. I find it quite odd that in the last century or so camp behaviour became so strongly associated with being gay in the west.

Still I don't really understand why anyone should assume he's gay? There is always going to be a certain assumption towards heterosexuality because it's much more common.

The default should really be assuming nothing unless told- so he'd have to tell people if he wanted them to know

TinaYouFatLard · 24/10/2021 16:32

“Society” will tend to presume a person is straight because of the majority of people are straight.

I’m not sure what your friend wants. This kind of attention seeking nonsense is what leads to all the “state your pronouns” bullshit.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 24/10/2021 16:32

I cant think of any occasion where I have met someone and wondered who they like to have sex with. Bizarre.

OuchWhatWasThat · 24/10/2021 16:33

@Flapjak

Ouch

Most people are gay/straght. You woulnt exist unless a male and female had sex, so yes fine you are asexual but thaf doesnt mean everyone else is narrowminded and rigid because they dont confirm to your world view iof what people are allowed to think

Give over!

Briony123 · 24/10/2021 16:35

"Society" assumes people are straight because most people are. Other people's sexual preference isn't at the forefront of most people's minds so we just expect the norm. My partner is deaf which nobody expects. He doesn't get offended that they assume he can hear like most other people.

donquixotedelamancha · 24/10/2021 16:35

You woulnt exist unless a male and female had sex, so yes fine you are asexual but thaf doesnt mean everyone else is narrowminded

More than that, not wanting a relationship is rarely a permanent state. Often what feels like intrusive nosiness is just people caring and being interested in your life.

isadoradancing123 · 24/10/2021 16:37

Well he is very lucky thats all he has to worry about

CremeEggThief · 24/10/2021 16:38

Surely it's just normal human behaviour to expect the 'norm', until one knows otherwise? I'm vegetarian for example, but I wouldn't expect most people to assume that. (If people didn't respect my vegetarianism after I made them aware, that is where the problem would start for me.) Similarly, anyone with a more unusual spelling of their name, e.g. Aimee would probably not expect most people to know that before they were told?

MatildaIThink · 24/10/2021 16:40

@doublecleansing

One of my friends is gay and in his 20s, I'm trying to word this in the right way because I don't want to offend anyone but my friend is someone who is what you could call "straight passing" in that people don't think he is gay unless he tells you he is. It annoys him that people assume he is straight and he has to come out to people. AIBU to think that it is pretty crap of society in assuming people's sexuality if they don't fit a stereotype. Why does society presume you are straight if you don't fit certain stereotypes of what society perceives what a gay man is normally?

One of my husband's friends is a man who is gay but would be classed as "straight passing". His friends view (and his friend's husband) is that they are both gay, which means they are men attracted to men, but that does not mean he has to stop being a normal man, become camp, dress differently, hate sport and love fashion etc. He is in no way attracted to camp or effeminate men.

Society presumes people are straight because around 93-94% of people are straight (the remainder being homosexual, bisexual or other). Of the 6-7% that are not straight many will identify themselves in a way which signals their sexuality, which further reduces the number of non-straight, straight looking/acting people.

OuchWhatWasThat · 24/10/2021 16:41

@donquixotedelamancha

You woulnt exist unless a male and female had sex, so yes fine you are asexual but thaf doesnt mean everyone else is narrowminded

More than that, not wanting a relationship is rarely a permanent state. Often what feels like intrusive nosiness is just people caring and being interested in your life.

The way people have gone about it really didn’t come off as caring about me at all…..

Kanaloa · 24/10/2021 16:42

So the whole issue is over the fact that before he told people he was gay (so realistically no way people could know) his uncle gave him a family heirloom?

Boulshired · 24/10/2021 16:44

I could imagine most of the time it would be small talk and I do worry that at some point the fear of causing offence will lead to lack of social contact and then loneliness. Not just because of this topic but all the subjects that can now be viewed offensive.

Cheesepuff1 · 24/10/2021 16:46

Society presumes people are straight because around 93-94% of people are straight (the remainder being homosexual, bisexual or other).

This is a relatively commonly held belief but as people become more accepting and open of their own sexuality, the numbers will change a lot, and presumably then the assumptions will begin to die out too.
It's nearer 20% of 18-24 Yr old who identify as non heterosexual now and increasing year on year.

donquixotedelamancha · 24/10/2021 16:49

The way people have gone about it really didn’t come off as caring about me at all…

If you'd met my mother you'd know I really get that, but usually it is because they care and it's just up to us to be clear in our boundaries.

donquixotedelamancha · 24/10/2021 16:53

It's nearer 20% of 18-24 Yr old who identify as non heterosexual now and increasing year on year.

I've never seen a study properly correcting for respondents that get those kind of numbers, do you have a link?

There are studies which say that but they tend to be self selecting or carried out in unis with big gay populations. All the properly set up studies I've seen (which ask about behaviour, not identity) tend to be close to the 5% mark.

girlmom21 · 24/10/2021 16:53

@doublecleansing

My friend doesn't want to be assumed gay but at the same time doesn't want to be assumed straight. When his nan passed away (this was before he had told people he was gay), his Uncle gave him his nan's engagement ring as a gift to give to his future wife when he gets married which according to my friend made him think people were assuming he is straight.

So does it actually happen often or was this ring left to him by an elderly relative who didn't know he was gay?

Our grandparents, great uncles and aunts etc are much more likely to assume we're straight than friends or new colleagues are.

Boulshired · 24/10/2021 16:57

I would also like the breakdown of the 20%, if my DDs peer group is anything to go by there are lots of girls identifying as sexualities whilst still dating only opposite sex.