Being gay and "Straight Passing"

[doublecleansing]

One of my friends is gay and in his 20s, I'm trying to word this in the right way because I don't want to offend anyone but my friend is someone who is what you could call "straight passing" in that people don't think he is gay unless he tells you he is. It annoys him that people assume he is straight and he has to come out to people. AIBU to think that it is pretty crap of society in assuming people's sexuality if they don't fit a stereotype. Why does society presume you are straight if you don't fit certain stereotypes of what society perceives what a gay man is normally?

Asking what outcome do you want from this thread?

Personally I don’t assume anyone is straight, gay or otherwise unless they make it clear what they are. I really thought we were past the days of assuming everyone is straight!

@lynxca16

Asking what outcome do you want from this thread?

A conversation, a discussion, other people's opinions?

I've never seen a study properly correcting for respondents that get those kind of numbers, do you have a link?

They probably polled Tumblr.

@PinkiOcelot

In this day and age (or any day and she really) does anyone actually care?

Given the number of gay bashing’s yes people really do care.

I try and avoid assuming.

I was mulling over 'camp' behaviour the other day- actually, wondering about lesbian representation.
Camp men seem to be considered 'diverse', whereas straight passing men and lesbians don't tick the box as visibly.

@Briony123

"Society" assumes people are straight because most people are. Other people's sexual preference isn't at the forefront of most people's minds so we just expect the norm. My partner is deaf which nobody expects. He doesn't get offended that they assume he can hear like most other people.

This. Rather like the majority of society presumes anyone, who is not in a wheelchair or using walking aids is able bodied. It’s convention and annoying, especially as a disabled people and deaf people are more vulnerable.

You’re thinking too much. I can imagine it’s annoying. But doesn’t put him at more physical risk when out and about on the street in everyday life.

@HoldingTheDoor

I've never seen a study properly correcting for respondents that get those kind of numbers, do you have a link?

They probably polled Tumblr.

The polling can often be problematic, one of the universities that we had post grads from doing research conducted a poll and did publish stats that more than half of respondents said that they were gay, lesbian, bisexual or trans and so the uni should change a bunch of policies. It later turned out that the poll was taken on the LGBT night in the student union...

when meeting new people (work/socially) don't most people opt for more open questions - do you have a partner rather than "do you have a boyfriend/wife?

(and are you married now applies to straight or gay)

and NOT that it's the first question to ask people, just one of the subjects that may come up.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/ncna1270003

I think it's nearer 50/50 in reality but I'm sure it will take a good few more years before that's acknowledged.

The polling can often be problematic, one of the universities that we had post grads from doing research conducted a poll and did publish stats that more than half of respondents said that they were gay, lesbian, bisexual or trans and so the uni should change a bunch of policies. It later turned out that the poll was taken on the LGBT night in the student union...

How on earth did they manage to graduate? Was a large bribe involved?

People assume straight because most people are.

"people are straight because around 93-94% of people are straight ".

Nope. I don't think it's that high. I think at least 10-12% (+ probably?) are gay or bi.

It would be certainly be interesting if 50% of the population were homosexual, and quite hard to explain on an evolutionary level. I suspect though that's absolute bullshit.

@doublecleansing

My friend doesn't want to be assumed gay but at the same time doesn't want to be assumed straight. When his nan passed away (this was before he had told people he was gay), his Uncle gave him his nan's engagement ring as a gift to give to his future wife when he gets married which according to my friend made him think people were assuming he is straight.

Actually, assuming you can ascertain someone’s sexuality by the way they behave is quite homophobic! Thinking about the people I know who are gay, there’s only 1 of them who is what one may refer to as ‘typically gay’. So in fact, in my personal experience someone who is gay behaves no different to someone who is straight. As the overwhelming majority of people are straight, assuming someone to be straight is the default. A bit like assuming someone who lives in France can speak French, or someone with red hair will burn in the sun.

@Leafygreen1

www.google.com/amp/s/www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/ncna1270003

I think it's nearer 50/50 in reality but I'm sure it will take a good few more years before that's acknowledged.

If it was nearer 50% then in all liklihood we would have died out as a species long before we built civilization and complex religions that could oppress gay people.

Strikes me as more naval gazing.

"FrankButchersDickieBow

I cant think of any occasion where I have met someone and wondered who they like to have sex with. Bizarre."

I agree with this, really couldn't care less who wants to sleep with who, unless that involves me.

A person's sexuality isn't the only thing about them, it would make them pretty one dimensional if it were. It is one part of the fabric of a person and in large has no bearing on me nor how I would treat them, regardless of how they expressed themselves.

Stereotyping does have a lot to answer for though.

I'm gay, and a great big flamer to boot.

I like to believe that you wouldn't mistake me for straight unless you didn't have a head.

And yet I have to come out fairly frequently because people still tend to assume that I'm straight.

I don't get offended if someone thinks I'm straight, but I will correct them. Because it's something fundamental about me that they've got wrong.

'Straight passing' is just how some people are. (Although you'll find some gay men who get a bit prickly about the phrase.)

Problems can arise when 'straight passing' is assumed to be somehow preferable, because it suggests that being camp is somehow inferior or less manly (whatever that even means), and that being straight is the ideal.

@Porcupineintherough I didn't say homosexual just not heterosexual. Bisexuality is most likely.

But even homosexual people could essentially "mate" once if needed and then choose to live the rest of their lives in same sex relationships

Who someone is having sex with does not normally come up when I'm meeting people 🙄

I also don't talk about it generally unless having a chat with mates about something on TV. Your friend would have to come out to me - not because I think he's straight, but because I would not have been thinking about his sexuality...
I use the word partner so as not to offend and make no assumptions - because other people's sex lives don't involve me and are not a usual topic for general chat! 🤣

@MatildaIThink

i never really get this argument..
being gay doesn't make you sterile. gay people have existed but been having children forever.. doesn't change who they would prefer to live their lives with and have recreational sex with.

@HoldingTheDoor

The polling can often be problematic, one of the universities that we had post grads from doing research conducted a poll and did publish stats that more than half of respondents said that they were gay, lesbian, bisexual or trans and so the uni should change a bunch of policies. It later turned out that the poll was taken on the LGBT night in the student union...

How on earth did they manage to graduate? Was a large bribe involved?

The researchers were fine, it was the people running the student union and it's related activities. The thing is most people involved in the student stuff, beyond the social/get drunk side are usually a little crazy at best. The politics ones are always totally nuts, even the LGBT ones are usually a bit crazy, all the normal guys and lesbians are off doing student things (studying, drinking and having fun), rather than standing outside in the rain shouting slogans about how the university is oppressing them because it freely let's them do what they want. Student politics is totally crazy, you get more sense out of toddlers who have just eaten an entire bag of haribo.

Why does anyone care what anyone else sexuality is? I don’t give a toss who anyone has sex with, providing everyone is consenting and no one is getting hurt, who gives a shit who anyone is sleeping with.

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/culturalidentity/sexuality/bulletins/sexualidentityuk/2019
Stats from the ONS - quote-
'Main points
The proportion of the UK population aged 16 years and over identifying as heterosexual or straight decreased from 94.6% in 2018 to 93.7% in 2019.
An estimated 2.7% of the UK population aged 16 years and over identified as lesbian, gay or bisexual (LGB) in 2019, an increase from 2.2% in 2018.
Between 2018 and 2019, the number of men identifying as LGB increased from 2.5% to 2.9% and women identifying as LGB increased from 2.0% to 2.5%.'

Must say that seems very low - maybe people lie on the forms but it still suggests the numbers compared to hetero population is small.

I get it but I think it’s a lot to do with the media and tv personalities where historically the gay representation was very camp and over the top showbizzy and our stereotype has come from that. Especially for the older generations who will not have been brought up around many ‘out’ gay people and all they see is from the telly.
I do think a lot has changed over the last few years and people’s assumptions about sexuality won’t be as narrow minded in the future.