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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed DH is going on a stag weekend to Amsterdam?

926 replies

JinglyJangly · 10/12/2007 18:57

DH is going on a stag weekend after Christmas to Amsterdam and too be honest, I am not too happy about it. I have heard what really goes on and why men go there, i.e. sex shops, brothels, live sex shows etc.

The blokes he is going with are a bunch of knobs. I have heard the majority of them frequent these types of places (only from what DH has said).

DH went on a stag weekend to Edinburgh a few years back and the guy who's stag party it was, was well up for visiting a brothel and guess what? he is going on the stag weekend to Amsterdam .

AIBU to be annoyed about him going? I am feeling a bit down in the dumps today and keep thinking all sorts about what they will get up too.

Whatever happened to guys going for a few beers at the local? It seems the norm for stag weekends to be held abroad nowadays. WHY is that?

OP posts:
notjustmom · 10/12/2007 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moondog · 10/12/2007 19:00

If you don't trust him or feel he is going to do something you wouldn't like,then that is more worrying than the trip to Amsterdam.

Alternatively,arrange your own wild getaway and see how he likes that.

I agree though,all the hen and stag stuff is pathetic and puerile.

Original poster
JinglyJangly · 10/12/2007 19:00

notjustmom - How can I stop him though? He does exactly what he wants.

OP posts:
agalch · 10/12/2007 19:02

YANBU

My Dh wouldn't be allowed to go on a stag weekend period.

And certainly not to Amsterdam!!

No doubt the looneys who wouldn't mind their OH's going will be along toot sweet to tell us we ABU not to let our men go lol

amytheearwaxbanisher · 10/12/2007 19:02

i dont think where he is going or who with would make him cheat if he is willing to do it he could do it anywhere

Quadrophenia · 10/12/2007 19:04

I would have no problem if my dp went to Amsterdam as i trust him. Although i am aware what goes on there, i expect him to have fun but to know where to draw the line. I know plenty of decent males who have been and behaved themselves.

Quadrophenia · 10/12/2007 19:05

Agalch curious to know why your dp wouldn't be 'allowed' on a stag do.

Original poster
JinglyJangly · 10/12/2007 19:05

Hey agalch - You calling me a loony ?

OP posts:
Quadrophenia · 10/12/2007 19:05

sorry your dh!!

notjustmom · 10/12/2007 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madamez · 10/12/2007 19:06

WIth regard to sexual monogamy, your DH is either monogamously inclined, or he's not. ANd either way, going to Amsterdam will not make any difference to him (if he is not monogamous, he can have sex with other people in the UK just as easily). And I don't think it's up to you to let him go or not go, he is an adult not a possession and doesn't need permission from you to do anything.

notjustmom · 10/12/2007 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DingDongJeremyOnVile · 10/12/2007 19:09

You cant stop him if he wants to go. He is an adult and I dont think it is healthy for one partner to 'ban' the other from making their own choices.

If he is willing to cheat or visit a prostitute then he will do it wherever he is.

You really need to sort out the underlying issues and tbh if he's worth his salt he'll cancel going, not because the stag do is necessarily dodgy but because he needs to acknowledge that for whatever reason, he does not have your trust and you both need to put things right.

chenin · 10/12/2007 19:10

Why can't these DHs go and just have a laugh... just cos they go to Amsterdam does not mean they are gonna be unfaithful - as amytheearwaxbanisher says, if they are gonna be unfaithful, they don't have to go to Amsterdam to do so.
I wouldn't dream of stopping my DH going on a 'boys' holiday as he wouldnt dream of stopping my 'girlie getaways' (imperative for my sanity and nothing more than girlie gossping, eating and drinking...)

Original poster
JinglyJangly · 10/12/2007 19:10

I remember years ago when I went backpacking around Europe, Amsterdam was the ONE place that stood out as being really sleazy with all those desparate women in the windows trying to get you in, all those sleazy pimp type men trying to lure you in to watch the live shows and those creepy men trying to sell you drugs on the street. I HATED IT. So I do have my reasons for not wanting him to go.

OP posts:
DingDongJeremyOnVile · 10/12/2007 19:13

Amsterdam is a gorgeous, vibrant and really fascinating city.

You may only have seen the sleazy side of it (which is pretty much confined to one small area)

Yhe guys on the stag do may be planning on exploring more of the city than you did.

Original poster
JinglyJangly · 10/12/2007 19:15

I doubt very much the guys will be interested in sightseeing as such (I know these guys) - it will be the pubs and the red light district.

OP posts:
Haylstones · 10/12/2007 19:17

Dh was invited to a stag do in amsterdam and i wouldn't 'let' him go but only because it is on my due date. I trust him, he respects me and I see no reason why I should object to him going tbh. If he was going to mess around I think he'd do it regardless of where he was. He has been before on a hockey tour and I didn't even think about what he or the others might get up to. If this baby is early I may 'agree' to him going anyway but hopefully he won't want to. However, I am secure and confident in our relationship, we trust each other totally and I realise not everybody feels the same way

Haylstones · 10/12/2007 19:18

Sorry, just realised how smug that sounds- it wasn't meant to!

Original poster
JinglyJangly · 10/12/2007 19:20

I just worry that the peer pressure from the other guys may tempt him to visiting the brothels and I am pretty sure they will visit the live shows.

I am going to tell him how I feel about this in the morning.

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 10/12/2007 19:27

I've been to Amsterdam quite a few times, most recently a couple of months ago for a friend's stag weekend. The fact that it was a mixed girl/guy group must have put his fiancee's mind at ease. I disagree with your view of Amsterdam as a 'sleazy' place. The Red Light District is a bit funny, with the women in windows in their underwear, but any town's brothel area probably would be.

If I know anything about men, your Dh will do whatever everybody else does as a group, rather than break off and go pay a prostitute for himsel. In all likelihood, there will be a bit of drugs (cannabis, magic mushrooms, and similar 'natural' stuff are legal there) and watching some girls dance naked in a club while paying for the most expensive beer in Europe (I've been to one such club. It was funny for five mins, then boring). As a group, that is probably the most they can do, as they can't go into the real sex clubs where everybody has sex, which only admit couples (Never been, but I've been told).

So, what I am trying to say is, let your Dh go there and do this with a smile. As others said, he is an adult and you have to trust him (or he needs to think you do). Of course, let him know what you will do to him if he even contemplates of bringing an STD home, or if you ever (EVER!) hear he did anything undignified.

amytheearwaxbanisher · 10/12/2007 19:29

peer presure?he is a grown man if he is going to be tempted to go to brothels you have bigger problems than amsterdam

rookiemater · 10/12/2007 19:29

I think its nice when DH gets invited to weekends away, his friends don't live close and its good for him to catch up with them.

Having said that I know there is no way he would be unfaithful to me on a stag weekend. He texted me from the strip joint to tell me where he is and that he was going home. The fact that your DH told you they were thinking about visiting a brothel means he is trustworthy, believe me if he genuinely wanted to go there is no way he would have breathed a word to you about it.

I think laying down the law to a grown man is a dangerous road to go down, does it work for him if you are planning to do something he doesn't approve of ? However having a chat about your concerns is a good thing to do as long as you do it calmly.

rookiemater · 10/12/2007 19:30

Oh that came out a bit wrong. I meant to say the only time he was in a strip joint when he was on a stag weekend, not that he goes to them all the time.

peacelily · 10/12/2007 19:31

My dh goes on stag dos all over the place, I go away fairly regularly too, hen do's girlie weekends and stuff. It's not an issue, even though we've been known to fight like cat and dog about other stuff that kind of thing has never been an issue for us. We trust each other.

And I'm not a loony either!

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