Another football parent calling my son gay boy

[Porkpiesarespicy]

So I guess my AIBU is, do I pull them up on it or just let it go. Week after week they call him gay boy. "Oh there's gay boy I didn't see him" , "well done gay boy good game". You get my gist. I think it's said in jest, but my god it makes my shit itch.
I couldn't give two hoots if he's gay or not as long as he's happy in himself.
Not sure that I would be over reacting to call them out on it next time?? Hence why not I'm here asking you lot...! If so I need help with come backs I'm not quick witted and tend to think oh I should have said after the event.
Also do I call them out or speak to the manager who is friendly with them? Don't want it to be awks but equally want them to know what they are doing is not acceptable (imo anyway)... thoughts please mumsnetters

It's against the fa code and bullying, speak to the coach and if they don't take immediate action contact the fa, they will take it seriously

Sounds very bullying to me. This term does not fall into the realms of respect the FA try to instil into everyone involved in football at grass roots level. If you can't bring yourself to confront this parent please speak to the manager & ref. If they do nothing then take it to the club committee if there is one or the lague committee. This parent might think its harmless banter but it's not & he can be removed from the sidelines if he continues. Maybe your son is better than his son at football & he's jealous? Whatever his reason for saying it don't let him speak to your son like this.
If it was an adult man who happens to be gay do you think he would dare say it or get away with it if he did?

This is appalling behaviour! Our local School had a firm stance against this sort of thing 10 years ago! .Defo call out on it. Speak to the Coach ,I would be surprised if this sort of thing isnt frowned on deeply ! Sadly Bullies never change do they ,just get older!

What a vile woman, email the welfare officer and bypass the coach.

@ humblesims.spot on.I hope,OP gets the confidence to confront those homophobes and starts standing up for her son.OP what is your son's reaction to this dreadful bullying?

Ds1 and ds2 used to play football with kids from some of the most deprived areas in the UK and I can tell you that had any of the parents or coaches heard a parent say this to a player, they would have been severely told off and probably asked to leave the club.

I'm absolutely astounded that this shit is not only still going on but done openly in front of management!

Well done OP for deciding to stand up to this utter shit.

Though to be honest I hope this OP is made up because I'd like to think this shit ended about a decade ago.

Hi Op, I know exactly the sort of people you're dealing with and it's truly vile. I would have a read of this www.amateur-fa.com/about/rules-and-regulations/safeguarding-and-welfare/local-initiatives - as you can see, what this parent is saying/doing definitely falls under safeguarding and should be reported in writing. I recently trained as a coach in another sport and it's absolutely, definitely not something the club should let slide. And to be honest if they're slack on safeguarding they need reporting higher up the regional system.

So in your position I'd email the club to request the safeguarding lead's contact details (and at this point say no more than that: the safeguarding lead has a responsibility to deal with it properly) and if they can't give you that, get straight on to the contact details in that link I've posted here. Wishing you luck, it sounds like the whole lot of them need a kick up the arse.

I would be tempted to call out:
"Ignore boring old fat arse, son."

But i get that you don't want to stir up more trouble...

Sorry I didn't realise the parent was a mother! 15 years ago when I was a football mother/club sec & treasurer it was mainly dads taking their children to football. I had to put up with a lot of good humoured "banter" but I can give it back, & I assumed it was a dad, oops

Sorry Op - this sounds awful for your boy. The phrase she uses is a bit dated as well - I don't hear that sour anymore so maybe coming from her own school days. I was going to say there are safeguarding polices in place for all these clubs now and I'm not sure why other parents haven't picked up on it. Maybe they have discussed her general behaviour amongst themselves. I would Look at the policy and refer to it in your email as It is unacceptable. Please request an acknowledgement and response as well. By the way can I ask what your son is like - does he use similar (if not exact same) language and do the other boys as well? If so it might be the banter they have all grown to accept especially if his dad has not raised it.

@Happieronmyown

Sounds very bullying to me. This term does not fall into the realms of respect the FA try to instil into everyone involved in football at grass roots level. If you can't bring yourself to confront this parent please speak to the manager & ref. If they do nothing then take it to the club committee if there is one or the lague committee. This parent might think its harmless banter but it's not & he can be removed from the sidelines if he continues. Maybe your son is better than his son at football & he's jealous? Whatever his reason for saying it don't let him speak to your son like this. If it was an adult man who happens to be gay do you think he would dare say it or get away with it if he did?

She was spoken too by the ref today for an outburst she had last week and told I will send you away from the pitch - her response was I would like to see you try, I'll throw you in the river... she has no... I don't know what the word is I'm looking for... but anyway I've had done really good advice and it's good to read other opinions on how to move forward and to get this behaviour stopped

@Andwander

@ humblesims.spot on.I hope,OP gets the confidence to confront those homophobes and starts standing up for her son.OP what is your son's reaction to this dreadful bullying?

He said he doesn't take any notice he said she's an idiot with a loud mouth I'm not gay and I couldn't give a shit if she thinks I am or not. exactly what he said about 5 minutes ago I asked him how he would feel if I made a complaint

@randomthings

I'm absolutely astounded that this shit is not only still going on but done openly in front of management!

Well done OP for deciding to stand up to this utter shit.

Though to be honest I hope this OP is made up because I'd like to think this shit ended about a decade ago.

I wish I was making it up I've just heard that when the team had a mixed race player she was derogatory towards him too. So she has form

I would absolutely challenge this. Unfortunately you do get these types of ignorant people, particularly with football, the type that start a brawl on the pitch and think it's fine to insult other people's kids for whatever reason. Having had four kids who have all played football for many years I can honestly say that football is the worst for it.

@Neighneigh

Hi Op, I know exactly the sort of people you're dealing with and it's truly vile. I would have a read of this www.amateur-fa.com/about/rules-and-regulations/safeguarding-and-welfare/local-initiatives - as you can see, what this parent is saying/doing definitely falls under safeguarding and should be reported in writing. I recently trained as a coach in another sport and it's absolutely, definitely not something the club should let slide. And to be honest if they're slack on safeguarding they need reporting higher up the regional system.

So in your position I'd email the club to request the safeguarding lead's contact details (and at this point say no more than that: the safeguarding lead has a responsibility to deal with it properly) and if they can't give you that, get straight on to the contact details in that link I've posted here. Wishing you luck, it sounds like the whole lot of them need a kick up the arse.

Superb thank you I will have a read of that

I feel sad you don't know that this is really one of those times you should be making a big noise about something.

"Everyone thinks she's great'! I would be amazed if this is true. At best I would think everyone thinks she's a homophobic bullying dinosaur who needs putting back in her box but they'd rather not be the one to do it!

If your son is anything like mine he really would not be upset or damaged about something like this, he would see her for the small minded bigot that she is. In fact I think he would probably be more mortified at me stepping up to ‘defend’ him when he is perfectly capable of standing up for himself. BUT I would still have to say something as this woman shouldn’t be voicing her obvious prejudices in public. Does she think she’s insulting him? Belittling him? Does she think gay people are a source of humour? This sort of silly name calling should not be happening in this day and age.

Totally unacceptable. You must say something...

My husband is a kid’s football coach and he’s furious that someone is saying stuff like that. You need to speak to the coach. If it’s a decent club they will not tolerate it.

@Porkpiesarespicy

Everyone thinks she's great is why I've not said anything she socialises with the manager and I don't want my sons place put in jeopardy because I've said something if I can't be seen to take a joke. Some of you are making out like I'm not sticking up for him. I have his back but I wasn't sure if I was being over sensitive because 1 it's aimed at my son 2 she was a complete and utter bully at school and 3 I rarely go soo thought I could be making more of the issue than it is. I will 100% call her out on it next week if I don't see her at training and ask to speak with her privately.

Honestly it’s not a joke and you’re not overreacting. I’m sure if your Son said it to a teammate or a player on another team it wouldn’t be treat as a joke. I’m really surprised no one has called her on it so far.

If you don’t feel comfortable raising it with the coach (I hate football cliques)then raise it with the Welfare Officer.

I've just heard that when the team had a mixed race player she was derogatory towards him too.

What a disgusting individual, she needs banned. Giving kids racist and homophobic abuse? Totally unacceptable. Report.

And if the club is slack on dealing with that shite, they might well be slack on coaches who shouldn't be coaching, other aspects of the boys' safety so it totally needs reporting.

Next time he says it, just loudly yell back “oh hello, highly offensive homophobic arsehole”.

She sounds like a horrendous woman. I'd definitely flag it quietly with the coach. such awful behaviour does not reflect well on the club.