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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another football parent calling my son gay boy

480 replies

Porkpiesarespicy · 23/10/2021 15:27

So I guess my AIBU is, do I pull them up on it or just let it go. Week after week they call him gay boy. "Oh there's gay boy I didn't see him" , "well done gay boy good game". You get my gist. I think it's said in jest, but my god it makes my shit itch.
I couldn't give two hoots if he's gay or not as long as he's happy in himself.
Not sure that I would be over reacting to call them out on it next time?? Hence why not I'm here asking you lot...! If so I need help with come backs I'm not quick witted and tend to think oh I should have said after the event.
Also do I call them out or speak to the manager who is friendly with them? Don't want it to be awks but equally want them to know what they are doing is not acceptable (imo anyway)... thoughts please mumsnetters

OP posts:
shouldistop · 23/10/2021 17:03

Tell her she's showing her age with her insults right out of the 80s.

DFOD · 23/10/2021 17:03

You have taken the right approach.

A knee jerk reaction could well have escalated to in a public slanging match with her type and as PP has indicated its then just a parental spat.

There is a welfare officer and an official process for a reason - so that it is dealt with safely and effectively.

Put it in writing and insist on an update / commitment of the clubs next steps.

Is it likely that the coach/manager have heard this and ignored it?

Original poster
Porkpiesarespicy · 23/10/2021 17:04

@Nc123

Definitely call her on it publicly. Playing stupid is a good tactic.

“What did you call him there?”
“I don’t understand, why are you calling him gay boy?”
“I don’t get it. What’s his hair got to do with it?”

Make her stand there and try and explain her stupid remarks, feeling more and more stupid as she does so.

Rude cow. NO WAY would I be standing there and letting her call my son names. Statistically someone in the team or spectators will be gay and listening to that homophobic nonsense. And if the coach is tolerating it then I wouldn’t want my kid in that team.

It's not a good situation. She stands with the managers wife and family whilst saying all this. I know I don't seem like a good parent I'm not having stopped this before now but I will get it stopped
OP posts:
humblesims · 23/10/2021 17:05

Ask her is it gay people she has a problem with or is it your son she has a problem with or is it both, because unless she wants to have this club reported to the FA then you suggest she stops this bullshit and apologises to him
This with bells on, and in public. It's gonna be scary (I would be scared anyway) but Big Girl Pants on and front her out. No one is going to stand up for her - her comments are homophobic and not funny. Seriously, good luck.

lynxca16 · 23/10/2021 17:06

Totally unacceptable behaviour on every level - contact the manager and calmly (this is the important bit) state what has happened at son's football matches since you have attended and give dates.

This call alone will hopefully put an end to her bullying.

Personally I would attend the next couple of matches without confronting her BUT would if possible discreetly or maybe not so discreetly record her remarks. Bullies do not like any evidence of their behaviour as when confronted they rely on the usual adamant denial tactic.

SunshineCake1 · 23/10/2021 17:07

I'm can't ant believe you don't know what you should do

Rainbowsew · 23/10/2021 17:07

Its disgraceful, homophobic behaviour regardless of whether he is gay or not. I'm surpised something hadn't been said before now!

Original poster
Porkpiesarespicy · 23/10/2021 17:07

@humblesims

Ask her is it gay people she has a problem with or is it your son she has a problem with or is it both, because unless she wants to have this club reported to the FA then you suggest she stops this bullshit and apologises to him This with bells on, and in public. It's gonna be scary (I would be scared anyway) but Big Girl Pants on and front her out. No one is going to stand up for her - her comments are homophobic and not funny. Seriously, good luck.
Thank you, it's daunting when you are a quite person and don't know these people, but I do get it I am in the wrong for letting it go it's just how you broach it isn't it. Anyway brave pills and big girl pants on next day delivery from Amazon..
OP posts:
BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 23/10/2021 17:08

You need assertiveness training so you can learn how to defend your own children. You are leaving them out there for the wolves. It is heartbreaking. Your son might need therapy too so he won't suffer long-term emotional damage from having parents who don't have his back.

EvilPea · 23/10/2021 17:09

What a fucking cunt.
And I absolutely mean that

You say she’s well liked. I bet she’s not.
You’ve had good advice here. Good luck

shouldistop · 23/10/2021 17:09

This reply has been deleted

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MintyGreenDream · 23/10/2021 17:09

@Technosaurus that and/or a punch in the face

DFOD · 23/10/2021 17:10

It's not a good situation. She stands with the managers wife and family whilst saying all this. I know I don't seem like a good parent I'm not having stopped this before now but I will get it stopped

You need to put this is your letter. They are witnesses, enablers and bystanders - the manager is not doing his job - he has a duty of care towards your DS and a responsibility to uphold the values of the club.

He is just as bad.

Original poster
Porkpiesarespicy · 23/10/2021 17:11

@SunshineCake1

I'm can't ant believe you don't know what you should do
It's not I don't know what I should do, I didn't want to come across as this raging loony mother who is rarely there calling out a bigot. It's clearly an issue but I didn't want to make it more of an issue as it turns out she has been doing this for a while and worse but NO ONE not one other parent has said hang on that's out of order. When I'm not there every week I don't see what goes on.
OP posts:
VividImaginationAgain · 23/10/2021 17:11

I’m 57 and I still think about derogatory comments made to me by a couple of other adults whilst I was still at primary school. I “laughed it off” or pretended it didn’t bother me and perhaps your son is really not bothered by it but you never know if at a low point in his life he might revisit it. Words can hurt.

I would go with the letter suggested to the welfare officer then it won’t come back on you.

postmistressofdibly · 23/10/2021 17:11

@MoiraNotRuby

My reaction would be "gay is not an insult, don't use it as one"
This
KittenKong · 23/10/2021 17:12

Borrow a phrase from this Glaswegian (it helps of you have the accent...

‘Hi - you! What’s your fucking problem, ya homophobic [insert insult of choice]’.

Justilou1 · 23/10/2021 17:12

It’s not just wrong, it’s illegal. I believe it’s classified as a hate crime. You can take it up with the coach, or you can call the police. Your choice.

Original poster
Porkpiesarespicy · 23/10/2021 17:13

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

You need assertiveness training so you can learn how to defend your own children. You are leaving them out there for the wolves. It is heartbreaking. Your son might need therapy too so he won't suffer long-term emotional damage from having parents who don't have his back.
This is laughable I do have his back, and actually I don't go all the time - however I've just spoken to another mum about her and said oh yeah she's like it every week some of what she says is vile. But no one has pulled her up in it I've been I think 3 weeks in a row now and clearly I need to drop kick her next week as soon as she steps out the car
OP posts:
Original poster
Porkpiesarespicy · 23/10/2021 17:13

@EvilPea

What a fucking cunt. And I absolutely mean that

You say she’s well liked. I bet she’s not.
You’ve had good advice here. Good luck

Thank you x
OP posts:
Eggsdancing · 23/10/2021 17:14

*Don’t wait for a next time.

Don’t deal with her directly - she will punish you and your son somehow. Don’t do it in public because she is a bully and will demolish you.

Use the official channels - that is why the Welfare Officer is there - that’s their job to do it efficiently, effectively without risking recriminations.

Do it in writing.

Ask that you and your son are not identified as the complainant.

Even if your DS doesn’t want the “hassle” of you complaining - do it because it’s the right thing to do. The other kids will also be distressed by her repeater behaviour as will the other adult bystanders who are also silenced by this bully*

this. Agreed do not confront and put in a complaint. It would be dealth with.

Original poster
Porkpiesarespicy · 23/10/2021 17:14

[quote shouldistop]@BringOnTheOtherWorlders oh fuck up. What an unnecessarily nasty post.

[/quote]
Thank you! I don't think he quite needs therapy but I won't let it continue

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 23/10/2021 17:15

I know I don't seem like a good parent I'm not having stopped this before now but I will get it stopped
You're a good parent, it isn't confronting Queen bee, you should not be in this position.
The coach and her friends should be ashamed of themselves saying nothing to her.
If I heard anyone speaking like that I'd be horrified.
They all sound like horrible bully's.

EmeraldShamrock · 23/10/2021 17:15

it isn't easy

DFOD · 23/10/2021 17:15

It's not I don't know what I should do, I didn't want to come across as this raging loony mother who is rarely there calling out a bigot. It's clearly an issue but I didn't want to make it more of an issue as it turns out she has been doing this for a while and worse but NO ONE not one other parent has said hang on that's out of order. When I'm not there every week I don't see what goes on.

You don’t have to get into conflict with this threatening bully - you know she has form from school 20 years ago, you know she intimidates the other parents. No need for YOU to get into conflict.

Use the official process.

And call out the manager in that email.

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