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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Another football parent calling my son gay boy

480 replies

Porkpiesarespicy · 23/10/2021 15:27

So I guess my AIBU is, do I pull them up on it or just let it go. Week after week they call him gay boy. "Oh there's gay boy I didn't see him" , "well done gay boy good game". You get my gist. I think it's said in jest, but my god it makes my shit itch.
I couldn't give two hoots if he's gay or not as long as he's happy in himself.
Not sure that I would be over reacting to call them out on it next time?? Hence why not I'm here asking you lot...! If so I need help with come backs I'm not quick witted and tend to think oh I should have said after the event.
Also do I call them out or speak to the manager who is friendly with them? Don't want it to be awks but equally want them to know what they are doing is not acceptable (imo anyway)... thoughts please mumsnetters

OP posts:
Eggsdancing · 24/10/2021 09:33

He refused and was quite threatening to me. My son was in tears. Fortunately other parents stepped in to support me. My son's best friend aged 7 put his arms round him and said "Don't worry some people have no sense." The team manager had a word with the guy and told him to apologise. The guy did so

christ, i can't believe he got aggressive to you, what did he actually say and what did the other parents say? I just cringe for people like him.

Eggsdancing · 24/10/2021 09:35

but your DS may be the one ultimately who pays the price, not you. Given that you said your boy didn't care about the comments, i just hope you have talked all this through with him and he understands that whistle-blowers are very often victimised

and it's exactly this sort of advice/dogma that allows bullying to often remain unchallenged.

TirednWorried · 24/10/2021 09:42

@Eggsdancing

but your DS may be the one ultimately who pays the price, not you. Given that you said your boy didn't care about the comments, i just hope you have talked all this through with him and he understands that whistle-blowers are very often victimised

and it's exactly this sort of advice/dogma that allows bullying to often remain unchallenged.

Maybe, but the op has to decide whether her ds's ootball career there ad potentially her relationship with her DS, are worth sacrificing. I think it needs to be his informed choice
iklboo · 24/10/2021 09:47

So he should just suck it up - and other boys on the team who might be gay - just so their 'football career' (and I've not taken the thread to mean he's playing for a top flight junior club) isn't damaged? This is exactly why homophobia is fucking rife in football. Men are scared of speaking out so their career isn't damaged. It's a disgrace.

Dee473 · 24/10/2021 09:51

@Eggsdancing

He refused and was quite threatening to me. My son was in tears. Fortunately other parents stepped in to support me. My son's best friend aged 7 put his arms round him and said "Don't worry some people have no sense." The team manager had a word with the guy and told him to apologise. The guy did so

christ, i can't believe he got aggressive to you, what did he actually say and what did the other parents say? I just cringe for people like him.

He told me to f! off and that it was none of my business how I talk to my son. He stood up and towered over me. He was about 6ft and I'm 5ft 4in. It was scary but I stood my ground. My son though I was going to get hit. Other parents told him to calm down and called the manager over. My son's friend and his dad supported my son. His dad was a coach at the club and he made sure he coached the session my son joined to support him.
Dee473 · 24/10/2021 09:55

@TirednWorried

It's all very well taking the moral high and , but your DS may be the one ultimately who pays the price, not you. Given that you said your boy didn't care about the comments, i just hope you have talked all this through with him and he understands that whistle-blowers are very often victimised.
So its OK for children with gay parents or children who are questioning their own sexuality to be victimised? There are lots of football clubs for young people. If this one won't tackle homophobia ( and there is no evidence yet that they won't) then the OP could find a more welcoming and inclusive club for her child.
dannydyerismydad · 24/10/2021 09:58

The FA has a Respect code of conduct that all players, spectators, managers, officials and clubs sign up to. You absolutely have an obligation to nip this behaviour in the bud for your son and for other children attending this club. www.thefa.com/~/media/019A1BD1FDD040458A6F7A8E9C49D394.ashx

If the club isn't willing to deal with this, the local FA needs to investigate.

It is scary. You will worry about the repercussions for your child. But the longer this behaviour goes unchallenged the shitter it is for some members of the community no one stands up for.

HaveringWavering · 24/10/2021 09:59

Can you post a picture of the type of hairstyle your son has? (not of your son!). I can only picture a Kevin Keegan curly mullet!

HaveringWavering · 24/10/2021 10:00

@HaveringWavering

Can you post a picture of the type of hairstyle your son has? (not of your son!). I can only picture a Kevin Keegan curly mullet!
And good luck with sorting out the bike woman too of course.
HaveringWavering · 24/10/2021 10:00

Bike! Not bike…

HaveringWavering · 24/10/2021 10:00

Vile. Not bike.

iklboo · 24/10/2021 10:01

Can you post a picture of the type of hairstyle your son has? (not of your son!). I can only picture a Kevin Keegan curly mullet!

Why the fuck should she? So you can gauge whether it's 'gay' or not? Or justifies the comments?

jiggeryjaggerywoo · 24/10/2021 10:06

And this is one of the reasons I really dislike football, parents who seem to be stuck in the bloody 1970's with their "banter" and aggressive "coaching" from the sidelines.
Wrote those letters, OP, and write to the FA if you don't get an acceptable outcome. My DC's belong to a club that has zero tolerance for any of this shit. Parents (therefore their kids, which is awful) have been thrown out the club for shitty behaviour.
There's a WhatsApp group for one of my son's teams that is full of "banter" about teams people support. DH and I are well known for picking people up on casual homophobia on there. They think we're lefty twats, we think we are bloody normal human beings!

Eggsdancing · 24/10/2021 10:22

Maybe, but the op has to decide whether her ds's ootball career there ad potentially her relationship with her DS, are worth sacrificing. I think it needs to be his informed choice

ok, so would you say the same if it was a 15 yo girl in an acting/modelling school and a male adult there kept being inappropriate with the 'child'?

And no it is not his 'informed choice'-he is 15, a child, it is generally the role of the parents to step in with this kind of situation as kids don't have the maturity to do so. Kids will laugh along or remain passive as they neither have the confidence or life experience to be assertive.

TirednWorried · 24/10/2021 10:28

would you say the same if it was a 15 yo girl in an acting/modelling school and a male adult there kept being inappropriate with the 'child'?
Firstly, why can't the15 year old girl in yourexample be a footballer?
Secondly, i think it's a different scenario. The football mum is not making a play to sexually exploit the op's son and the op is there.

TirednWorried · 24/10/2021 10:34

It is not ok to make homophobic comments-of course it's not. The question is do YOU want ti throw your boy under the bus?
Its all very well to say report ti the FA blah blah, but when her DS is never selected for matches, i can guarantee they will not intervene. They will say it is the club coaches professional judgment.

jiggeryjaggerywoo · 24/10/2021 10:50

@TirednWorried

It is not ok to make homophobic comments-of course it's not. The question is do YOU want ti throw your boy under the bus? Its all very well to say report ti the FA blah blah, but when her DS is never selected for matches, i can guarantee they will not intervene. They will say it is the club coaches professional judgment.
And this why this shit is allowed to perpetuate Hmm Do right thing, OP.
WhereIsMumHiding3 · 24/10/2021 10:52
  1. No OP shouldn't post a picture of her DSs permed hairstyle - fgs that's entirely irrelevant and intrusive to ask!
  2. No OP shouldn't worry about her DS not being picked for future games as that would get coach in huge trouble and who would want to play for a team that homophobic abuse anyway?
WhereIsMumHiding3 · 24/10/2021 10:53

Missed a word ..'that condones '

ikeptgoing · 24/10/2021 10:55

OP what a brilliant response from your son. And from you, to report anyway. I’m surprised the coach and other parents haven’t 🤨

About 6 years ago, I had two phone calls on Saturday from school friend parents who’d been on sidelines at a home rugby match between schools my 13 year old DS was playing in. I wasn’t there (home with younger DCs) so it was second hand. A boy from visiting school team was shouting gay slurs at my DS on the pitch “ f-ing gay fag—t“ to try to put him off.

They said DS was brilliant & he passed the ball onwards and shouted back “Loud and proud mate! Who cares if I’m gay you kn-b!!” (He doesn’t happen to be gay, but what a super response!!)

Apparently match halted as boy carried on trying to abuse DS & was being shouted down by DS’s team mates & parents nearby for few minutes until Ref heard what was going on behind him - the boy was sent off pitch to sit in their school’s minibus.

I got a call from school guidance manager on Monday after, who said they’d had several reports of ‘a concerning incident’ so she was ringing ‘to offer school’s support’ and had talked to DS that day in case he needed it and DS had consented to her contacting me - she wanted to advise how seriously they took it.

DS was totally unfazed and didn’t see need to even tell me initially after he’d got home and hit the shower - he was far more full of how well they’d played and said the boy & his older brothers “have always been kn-bs” (knew each other from primary school) and that boy was p-ssed that DS’s team was winning.

Glad you are reporting it, regardless of whether it bothered your DS - homophobia shouldn't be tolerated, needs a clear message and reporting it is also about protecting other children who may be struggling with their sexuality, scared they might also get picked on or outed from the sidelines by an adult.

DFOD · 24/10/2021 10:56

@TirednWorried

It is not ok to make homophobic comments-of course it's not. The question is do YOU want ti throw your boy under the bus? Its all very well to say report ti the FA blah blah, but when her DS is never selected for matches, i can guarantee they will not intervene. They will say it is the club coaches professional judgment.
You can’t guarantee this at all. If it happens the OP and her DS can document the change in behaviour and report it.

I hope that the managers will be relieved that someone else has dealt with this character (even though they should have)

ikeptgoing · 24/10/2021 11:01

@TirednWorried

It is not ok to make homophobic comments-of course it's not. The question is do YOU want ti throw your boy under the bus? Its all very well to say report ti the FA blah blah, but when her DS is never selected for matches, i can guarantee they will not intervene. They will say it is the club coaches professional judgment.
Fgs how is throwing OPs DS under the bus? He was the victim of homophobic abuse. The coach would get into serious trouble for suddenly not picking DS. His history of playing & then failing to be picked would evidence that , as well as any potential repercussions that could occur to coach for not reporting homophobic abuse , coach will likely be on his best behaviour falling over himself to show how seriously he's taken it.
Eggsdancing · 24/10/2021 11:02

Firstly, why can't the15 year old girl in yourexample be a footballer

because the dogma you are condoning is the exact same Harvey Weinstein shit hat women had to face in modelling/acting classes. Basically put up with abuse or you don't get work.

Secondly, i think it's a different scenario. The football mum is not making a play to sexually exploit the op's son and the op is there

and no it is NOT in any way different, it is abuse by somebody in power over a vulnerable person ie. an adult abusing a child. The type of abuse is irrelevant, abuse is abuse.
My god, it is because of your attitude that Saville and Weinstein got away with it for so long. I really hope you don't have kids or have access to them.

Eggsdancing · 24/10/2021 11:03

because the dogma you are condoning is the exact same Harvey Weinstein shit hat women had to face in modeling/acting classes. Basically put up with abuse or you don't get work

and can I add many boys were targeted in this way too in the acting industry. Putting up with abuse or not getting work.

ikeptgoing · 24/10/2021 11:08

Hey, this thread isn't about sexual exploitation, Harvey Weinstein casting coach or women at all. Those are all important issues but irrelevant here.

It's about homophobic verbal abuse.

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